Cats Versus Dogs: The Epic Conclusion

Yesterday, a great subject of newsroom speculation came to an end.  (Or two opposite ends? Of the many possibilities.)  The speculation over, the debate rages on... And in spite of promises to keep the Report apolitical, I think all our readership is intelligent enough to find the argument that moving to Canada to get away from this crazy socialized medicine completely hilarious.  But it seems that even those debating healthcare know of the debate that has been raging here at the Report, as the Affordable Care Cat was upheld, as well.

Well, rest at ease, dear readers, I've spent the day doing my research to come to the bottom of the great Cats Versus Dogs debate, and the conclusion may surprise you.  A refresher, if necessary:  I am of the opinion that dogs are loyal to the end while cats lure us in withcuteness only to lash out.  Admittedly, this ignores some instances of pretty malicious dog behavior.  (Mailman biting, smelling bad when wet, and that thing where they rub their butt on the carpet leap to mind.)  Further research has led me to find that the two engage in apparently equal destruction of human property. The evidence presented here suggests that both creatures are forces to be reckoned with...

And yet we blind ourselves to the Feline Menace and the Attack of the Canines.  They infiltrate our homes, our hearts, even our Hollywood!  As yesterday's Report on tearjerker dog stories indicated, this cultural invasion may be part of an attempt to manipulate us emotionally, to win us over.  And win us over they have.  Don't believe me?  Listen to Jimmy Stewart read the poem at the end and tell me you don't get emotional.  (If you tell me this, I won't believe you.  Within view of a framed photo of the Dais of my life, I was crying.)

But what does this all mean?  Infiltration through our cultural mediums, ultimately leading to destruction of the home?  And not just by cats.  And not just by dogs.  But by an apparently united front of cats AND dogs?  What are we to make of this?

Perhaps, dear readers, you have seen this conclusion coming.  Perhaps you read ahead a little (by accident).  Or saw the links on the sidebar and realized my chain of thought.  Or picked up on a thread of sci-fi language running through the conclusion to this three day Report Event.  Or perhaps you have known all along.  (Search your feelings. You know it to be true.)  Internet exploring has revealed... We may not know the creatures we know and love as well as we once thought, because... They are ALIENS.  Yes, the evidence is here, photo documentation of cats and dogs (and a few other so-called "animals") returning to their own planets.  That's right, the battle of Cats VS Dogs is actually not unlike the battle of Alien VS Predator.  Whoever wins... We lose.

There it is, dear readers, the shocking conclusion to the Cats Versus Dogs Morning Report Trilogy.  (Don't worry, I won't ruin it all with a prequel trilogy...)  So... What are we to do with these aliens among us, now that we, brave group of 50 readers (!!!) know the truth?  We must not let them know.  Already, Google's computer may have led them to think we know too much, and with our numbers so few and our front not yet united, we would be ruined if they attempt to conquer us now.  No, dear readers, we proceed as normal.  I will continue the Report, and it will continue to include links to cute animals.  But know now that these doses of cuteness to appease our alien overlords (because, be honest with yourself, in your relationship with your pet, which of you is the owner?) also serve as reminders of the threats that walk around us on four legs.

Pet them, hug them, take them for walks, watch them on YouTube, but know that one fine day with a woof and a purr... they will rise up.  And it is up to us, not as cat people or dog people, but simply as people, to be ready when that day comes.

Two legs good.  Four legs (super adorable and fuzzy, but also potentially) bad.

Spoiler Alert: The Dog Dies

Perhaps more contentious than any political report has ever been, the Cats Vs Dogs debate rages on among the readership.  Eric informed me that the dogs are on the defensive, in an effort known as Dog Fort.  Armed with overwhelming cuteness, they defend against the feline uprising.  Johan, meanwhile, suggests that resistance against the feline menace is futile.  They will, no doubt, disarm us with acuddle-puddle of kitten-cuteness and then attack.  

We'll continue with a dog story today, as Andrew Sullivan guided me to an essay examining the human emotional reaction to that moment in nearly every movie that features a dog when (Spoiler Alert) the dog dies.  Wilson offers an excellent look at why Where the Red Fern Grows is impossible to read aloud because the words get blocked by sobs, why we panic when Shadow is stuck in the train tracks during his Incredible Journey, and why we don't even want to talk about Marley and Me, please, no, stop, I can't even think about it even though I knew it would happen.  I think the analysis here is spot on with regards to the guilt angle, but I think he gets the empathy part of his analysis wrong.  I don't know that we empathize with the dead/dying dog, as Wilson suggests, but with those in the work who have a relationship with the dog.  It is Billy we empathize with when Old Dan and Annie die, and our heart breaks with Peter's when Shadow isn't there with Chance and Sassy.  Similarly it is Travis, not Yeller, whose shoes we put ourselves in.  Yes, we are there with Yeller in the end, but through the eyes of Travis; we don't take the bullet, we pull the trigger, but only because we have to. "He's my dog, I'll do it," Travis says, but we are there with him, just as we have been the whole time, to say, "He's our dog, we'll do it."

This complex combination of guilt and empathy makes "The Dog Dies" one of the most effective clichés in the movie world.  Of course, other clichés aren't nearly as emotionally effective.  Some of them, as this article points out, are just plain silly.  Rimstidt's observations are wonderfully entertaining, from calculating the infrequent correctness of the stopped clock to another thing (if not another thing, then one thing).  He's also got me wondering, what if in my attempt to eat my cake, too, I drop it in the driven snow?  Does the five second rule still apply?  Or is that a stupid question?...

Wax on, wax off, don't sweep the leg, but do feel guilty that you can't think of any role he played other than Mr. Miyagi; the late Pat Morita would have turned 80 today.

Cats Versus Dogs

Goodness me, a few days without reporting and the ever-changing world of the Internet has undergone massive change.  Apparently someone at Nabisco was tipped off about a previous report, because the traditionally black and white Oreo came out and got colorful.  As one Facebook friend of mine noted "Even homophobes would get down with gay rights if it meant septuple Oreos."  (The Internet being what it is, it proved him wrong, but still...)  Meanwhile, in far darker news (at least from my canine-centric position), Google has developed a computer neural network that provides evidence of machine learning.  No, I'm not being paranoid about Skynet and having to go with Arnold Schwarzenegger if I want to live, I'm traumatized by the fact that this apparently learning computer used its learning to... find cats on the Internet.

I will not stand idly by and let cats continue their domination of the Internet, dear readers.  Because if Skynet turns out to be the computing equivalent of a cat lady, keyboard cat will play us off... the planet.  So today I'm joining fellow Georgetown-alum Nick Kroll in combating cat power with a dog-dominated report.  It's a move that I'm sure my favorite dog with apparently oposable thumbs would approve.  Via text message, of course.  Unless he's too busy terrorizing his owner, the postman, or humanity in general... In the most hilarious ways.  He, too, is resilient in the face of cat bullying, as a pesky neighborhood cat makes a mess of his garden.

While dogs are (hu)man's best friend, even when causing chaos, that doesn't mean we should try to make them look more human-like, though.  I've always been staunchly opposed to dogs wearing clothes.  (Look at him! He thinks he's people!)  And my coworkers know that I'm deathly afraid of dogs with people hands.  (Though cats with hands are substantially more terrifying.)  Well, add to that list of do-nots,dogs with eyebrows.  It's quite simply disarming and alarming.  It seems only the constantly adorable corgi can maintain its cute and avoid being creepy when browed.

As cats continue to battle dogs in their quest for world domination, we cannot stand idly by, though I worry there is little we can do to sway the tide of this lifelong battle one way or the other.  All we can do is watch them on youtube and scroll through cute pictures.  And, occasionally, provide voices for them in movies, like Tobey Maguire did in 2001's "Cats And Dogs."  (Self-aware Segue!)  The eternally youthful Mr. Maguire celebrates his 35th birthday today.  Put on your dancing shoes (or Spidey-suit) and celebrate.

More Sights and Sounds of Summer

Holy Heatwave, Batman!  DC seems incredibly aware that yesterday was the Summer Solstice.  The door has closed on springtime and, unlike the revolving door transition between winter and spring, where we got tiny, alternating tastes of each season, we have been thrust into the full heat of summer the day it starts.  Just as the heat continues, so the Report continues with summer stories.  (Though the sun has now descended to its usual banner location.  But that doesn't mean it's going down, as some readers have suggested.  Though... Yes, it is too late in the day for it to be rising now...)

First up, for those of you who aren't keen on surf rock as the sound of your summer, NPR has an alternative.  They have analyzed the Billboard charts from June to August for every year since 1962, picking out the top Songs of the Summer for fifty years... Don't let the fact that the list is at the bottom of the article confuse you, though.  The link to hear the tunes is at the top of the page between the headline and the Mini Surfer.  The random order of the mix makes for some interesting results... When I was checking this out yesterday, Bill Withers' fade out encouragement to "Lean On Me" gave way to "Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt..."  Oh, Baby Got Back. Classic.  And I admit, there have been times where I was wishing for a skip track offering, only to find that the only way I could avoid listening to the Macarena was to hit mute for a while.  Of course, once you've heard the Macarena, it's in your head for the rest of the day.  Sorry if the same applies for reading the word...  Biggest surprise find of the playlist:  Icona Pop's "I Love It," which is not, it turns out, some song I'd never heard of from the 80s, much as it sounds like that...

And, at risk of repeating the structure of yesterday's report almost exactly, here are some dogs who found ways other than surfing to beat the heat.  Of course, they'll all still smell like wet dog.  Except the smarties at the water fountains or the ones who got frozen treats.  Relaxed as 17 looks, I think 6 has the best strategy... Though 8 probably has the most fun and 11 has the cute toys.  Funny how different dogs react to water.  1 is in pure doggy bliss, while 7 is so clearly terrified.

Finally, if lying in a pile of ice cubes isn't your idea of cooling off, maybe hanging out in the air conditioning with a good book would suit you better.  If you're not sure what to read, and aren't taken by my less than subtle Chabon plug, maybe this flowchart will help.  With 101 to choose from, there's bound to be something good there that you've yet to read.  That said, the list is made by teach.com, meaning that there are a whole bunch of young adult aimed books on there.  Don't worry, no judgment for picking one of those... Just... Get it on Kindle so no one can tell what you're reading!

Well, ~150 songs, 20 dogs, and 101 books seems like a good place to leave things for the day.  After all, it's Go Skateboarding Day, apparently, so I should be out there on the board Ollying and Pop-Shoving-It and... Oh, who are we kidding, I'm totally just going to do this.

Dog (Surf) Days of Summer Solstice

Could it be that the sun is sitting a little higher in the banner's sky today?  No, we're not continuing our celebration of Paul Dano and Little Miss Sunshine.  (Believe me, dear reader, I would love to... But that would be observed with a yellow bus zooming past in the report background and a .gif of me dancing to Superfreak.)  No, we're observing the Summer Solstice!  Yes, today's the day, that long and lazy day where the sun reaches its highest position in the sky and in the report banner.

And what better way to celebrate the beginning of those dog days of summer with a surfing centered report!  That's right, shoobies, the Report is hitting the beach!  But first, we'll need some tunes to crank out over the peaceful sounds of those waves lapping at the shore.  (Seriously, leave that on in the background while your boombox and/or other Internet tabs play some music.)  I could just recommend listening to this on repeat all day, but there are too many surf rock tunes to do that.  And thankfully one reader recently turned me on to a band that has put together some amazing mixes at Reverberation Radio.  I recommend Reverberation #14.  And the music of the band itself, cleverly named the Allah-Lahs, also comes with that great classic surf feel.

Of course, I get it, those twangy reverberations and good vibrations aren't for everyone.  (Though if you don't like "Good Vibrations," you'll have to do some work to prove to me that you have a soul.)  For those of you who don't like surf rock, I offer... Surf bark.  Yes, for some reason this happened.  And not just once, but six times before this, as well.  That's seven years of slobbery surf and wet dog wipeouts.  But what a fun world record to set... Bummer to be one of the dogs that jumped off, though... No place in the record for bailing out, they went home tail between their legs.  Anyway... Totally teaching Archer to surf next time I'm in NH.  Too bad he'll be afraid of the surfboard.  And the waves.  And the sand.

That's all for today.  Enjoy the long sunshine and the incredibly appropriate fact that it's Brian Wilson's birthday!  Make his day and send him a letter telling him the name of your favorite vegetable (I know that you'll feel better.)  Or just hit the beach, boys and girls!  Wouldn't that be nice!

As the sun rises high and things heat up, remember to keep cool cool.

Movie Re-Views

Yesterday I drew attention to Mufasa as a great father in the animal kingdom.  Shortly thereafter, I learned of a McSweeney's piece that throws that viewpoint into question.  Here, an antelope wonders why he was invited to the celebration of Simba's birth.  And you know, he's totally right.  Mufasa, the life lessons and self-sacrifice for your son (if that is a spoiler for any reader, shame on you and go watch this movie right now), all that's great, but your leadership skills could use some work.  I get it, he's the prince, these are your subjects, I suppose many royal families through history have had similar ceremonies celebrating the arrival in the world of a new future leader.  But you know what, most of those royal families weren't bringing together a bunch of subjects that ate each other!  This peaceful gathering of animals is not at all standard behavior in the Circle of Life, and that, Mufasa, moves us all.  Your big party here that brings together all the creatures under the sun (rolling high, through the sapphire sky) is screwing with the path unwinding, and it's not cool.  The antelope is right to be anxious, and I'm surprised he can be so eloquent about it, given that there's far too much to take in here.

As long as we're re-evaluating how we view certain classic films, check out this series of behind-the-scenes photos that argues it will do just that.  Hitchcock, too, seems content to upset the natural order of the wild kingdom by giving direction to his own Mufasa in the final photo, which is well worth scrolling past that bug-eyed Harrison Ford, who appears in 25% of the films presented in the list.  Actually, Ford is in my favorite photo from the series, the low-budget Ark of the Covenant.  No wonder it was Lost... It's flat!

And finally, to challenge your view on the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman, here are some smooth stylings by Morgan Freeman.  Out of sight, indeed.  "When I itches, I scratches, when I'm bored, I read matches."  I would love to see a mash-up where Easy Reader stops by Andy's library in Shawshank... But really, it's no surprise that someone with such an affinity for reading should become a world-class narrator.

Feel free to do nothing all day without feeling bad; you'd just be observing the 1978 debut of Garfield, the widely syndicated comic about a lazy cat, and the only comic I know that's infinitely funnier without its title character.  Or, if you just feel like not speaking all day, that's fine, too.  Do it because Paul Dano did it because of Friedrich Nietzsche... Far out.  (And because Paul turns 28 today... Someone get that man a milkshake! Though he might prefer something "a la modie.")

That one's on the house.

Father's Day (Observed)

Thanks for all of positive feedback thus far on the new report features and the blog.  I've made a few updates to the blog and put up a few more old Reports.  In spite of requests/suggestions, these updates do not include an animated .gif logo to clarify that the sun is, indeed, rising.  Nor do they include a banner variant where the O in Report is also a sun.  (Though if we ever have a report about Star Wars/Tatooine, rest assured a double-sun header will be used.)

The internet this weekend was abuzz with Father's Day fun, including a very cute Google doodle.  However, as has always been the case, there is no Report on the weekend, so we're compiling a few of the more Report-worthy Father's Day links today.  So, Fathers of the Report, rejoice, you get a second father's day!  (To my knowledge there are only three fathers among our readership at this time... If there are more that I don't know of, Congratulations!)

Let's start off with music.  The Art of Manliness has compiled a list of their Best Songs About Dads.  Some tear-jerkers in there, including Eric Clapton's "My Father's Eyes," which is particularly poignant when the song's full background is explained, as it is in this list.  (Clapton, of course, holds this Reporter's record for Saddest Song Ever with "Tears In Heaven.")  "Daughter" is a fun number, "Cat's In the Cradle" was a car radio staple in my memory, and "Just the Two of Us" now stands out in my mind as a song that they mercifully chose not to use in the soundtrack for The Pursuit of Happyness.  What do you think, did their list miss any big ones?  Feel free to take a browse around the Art of Manliness site, too.  Lot's of entertaining and interesting stuff there, including a very Teddy Roosevelt heavy list of 100 Must-Read books.  Also featured there is a link over to another excellent (future) Dad's Day piece, Rules for My Unborn Son.  This highly addicting tumblr is full of quips and wisdom, and was one of the first sites I knew of that made the blog-to-book transition.

And, of course, it wouldn't be a holiday at the Report if we didn't draw attention to some animal stories, too.  Fathers of the animal kingdom have always sort of been ignored in collections of cute animal photography, it seems to me.  Certainly there are a lot of deadbeat animal dads that abandon their family... And some dead dads, as well.  But Animal Planet has compiled a nice list of the Top Ten Animal Dads.  The seahorse, famous for its pregnant pa, is an obvious choice for number one.  And I'm sure Morgan Freeman approves of the high ranking placement of the Emperor Penguin.  I wonder if my desire for some rearrangement of this list isn't influenced by Disney, as I really want to bump the lion up a few spots, given Mufasa's self-sacrifice and starry advising.  I'm also sad to see that the clownfish didn't make the list, as I know the extremes a father clownfish would go through to find his son Harpo... Bingo?...  Fabio?...  Chico?

That's all for today.  Hope your Monday deserves two thumbs up... It's Roger Ebert's birthday!