1. Mascots. This is always the most obvious alternative to, y'know, actually following sports stuff. The somehow affiliated with Arizona State Athletics website House of Sparky put together a mascot bracket and commentary of their own and, while I question their final result, I agree with certain fundamentals. They are absolutely right that "human mascots just don't move the needle." Human mascots are weird. A guy with a weird human head dancing around is just... Well, a guy with a weird human head dancing around. But make that guy a lion or tiger or bear... Oh my! You've got yourself a mascot. (As long as we're disqualifying non-animals, fruits need not apply either. Suck it, 'cuse.) That said, there's no way Boomer's blue eyes should bring him past Georgetown's REAL LIFE Jack the Bulldog(s), let alone on to the finals.
2. Alumni. The Internet has found at least two ways do go on this one. First, you can go for the most embarrassing alum and rank based on that. Here you've got mostly reviled athletes toward the bottom (less embarrassing), along with weird YouTube celebrity and Tom from MySpace. But as you start to climb toward the Top Ten, things get dark real fast... Like murderer dark. Though Guy Fieri rightfully finds his place up there, along with Bruce Vilanch. Oh, and of course Syracuse continues to produce such utter crap as Marmaduke. Another (better) way to go about this is to rank in terms of coolest alum, like Sports Illustrated did. Tricky part here is that coolness tends to correlate with dropping out of college, so a lot of these so called "coolest alums" aren't really full alums, including Brad Pitt who puts Missouri at #1 on this list in spite of leaving two weeks before completing his degree. (Seriously, your film career couldn't wait fourteen days, Brad? Had to rush off to play "Guy at Beach with Drink" in the absolutely terrible sounding Hunk?) Great to see coolness spread across all fields, too, with actors, artists, athletes, and authors all finding a place in the Top Ten. Also great for my morale: Seeing the achievement of another Georgetown English major properly recognized.
3. Religious Devotion. Too late now, but the next time that the time for picking a new Pope falls in March, be ready for some Sweet Sistine March Madness brackets. Tricky thing about this bracket? The winner doesn't even appear! Talk about a Jesuit dark horse! And while we're on the subject...
4. Blind Devotion. Georgetown's winning it all this year, right? (Okay, but actually, I do have them in my Final Four.)
5. Blind Ignorance. All this pretending like you know stuff about sports at work is stressful! Just ignore it all together and participate in this infinitely cuter Animal March Madness bracket that buzzfeed is doing. The first round is done, and while I really don't see any way for otters to lose (I'm predicting an otter-quokkas final), I'll be following every round of this tournament. And don't worry, I'll keep you all posted.
Finally, we'll wrap things up today with a long overdue reader submitted story of coincidence. A brief one to start the ball rolling:
David and I both had the same desktop background when we met.
Removed from any context, not particularly thrilling... Until you learn that the David in question is now that reader's husband! Certainly the most romantic coincidence we received!
Remember to say completely moronic observational things when watching the Madness tonight, in honor of yet another sports atrocity from Syracuse University, Orange dropout Bob Costas, who turns 61 today.
