Bowling for Super

Following yesterday's 30 Rock series finale (which heavily featured The Rural Juror among other fan favorite jokes, leaving me extremely pleased), TV viewers across the country are now preparing for another finale: The Super Bowl.  And what a finale it will be!  West Coast vs East Coast!  Red vs Purple!  Prospector vs Poe-bird! 

Okay, yeah, I admit I don't really know much about the teams going into the battle.  Or even their respective cities.  I know that San Francisco's Humphry Slocombe has some of the best ice cream flavors I've ever had.  And the beer at the Brewer's Art in Baltimore is phenomenal.  But beyond that, my knowledge and allegiances to either team are virtually nil. 

For me, it's like watching a late episode of a CSI-type drama I've never seen before.  Having seen many episodes of CSI-type dramas before, I know how things work and can follow along.  I know the rules of game, the terms, how things are going to play out.  I can figure out who plays what role after a few minutes of watching.  But you know that part of a crime procedural series that ties things together across episodes?  A few minutes scattered throughout each episode showing how these two don't get along, these two have sexual tension, this one is battling alcoholism, this one is a bit of a loose cannon, and it turns out the killer was put up to it by a villain whose been manipulating things behind the scenes all season?  Yeah, I don't get any of that.  So all the sideline stories, the stats and odds, the player names and backgrounds?  I'm at a loss there.  That's the episode to episode glue that holds things together, and while there's sure to be a lot of it, I'm hoping I can get a "Previously, on Football" recap before hand to give me a sense of it all.  But even still, I'll be able to follow the game.

But at least I'll be on the same page as everyone else prior to the Super Bowl, when I tune in to see all the new faces of the Puppy Bowl!  And what incredibly adorable new faces they are.  Now, I'm not entirely sure how winners are selected, or if winners are selected, or if it's more of a suburban rec-soccer league "Everyone's a winner" attitude, but looking through this roster of puppies, I've picked a few favorites.  This crop of contestants seems pretty heavy in the "A" names, and right off the bat there are some absolutely adorable pups -- Althea and Aurora, specifically.  Blitz looks a bit spastic, Fitz looks terrified, and Masquerade is rocking the John Cusack heterochromiathing.  Shadow and Tuck are holding their own toward the end of the alphabet... But after reviewing all of them, my money is on Eli, the German shepherd / pit bull mix to take it all.  That's assuming he gets support from the hedgehog cheerleaders, and a good amount of rest during the kitten halftime show.

Enjoy the Bowls this weekend.  For those with a vested interest in the game, may the odds be ever in your favor.  For those who are just there for the snacks... May the wings be ever in your flavor.

Rural Jurors, Mystic Pizzas, and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

By all accounts, today's Report should start in October 11, 2006, when Tina Fey's Liz Lemon bought hot dogs for everyone in New York in the 30 Rock premiere.  But it doesn't.  Because, like so many college kids, I was late to the party.

Instead, it starts four years and eleven months ago, in the end of February 2008, in the office of my Intro to Film professor, asking for some guidance on my paper on Hitchcock's Notorious, but also for advice on a birthday gift for my roommate Andrew (among our subscribers!).  I explained to her that we had just watched and loved Arrested Development, so a season of a similar show would be good.  (Netflix streaming hadn't really taken off yet...)  She recommended 30 Rock, if he hadn't already seen it.  I told her I hadn't seen it, and I was told to leave her office and not come back until I had watched the first several episodes.  A few hours later, I was wrapping a gift purchased at a now extinct mall, and a few days later I began my weird relationship with Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy, Kenneth Parcell, and all the rest of the 30 Rock gang.

It hasn't been a steady relationship... After the rapid binge consumption of the first season, Andrew and I worked our way toward catching up on the second.  Eventually, we were watching in real time, or at the very least day-after-Hulu-time.  And for a year or so, that's how it was with me and 30 Rock.  But eventually I lost track of the gang at TGS, and stopped watching for a few months, only to binge on Hulu or Netflix, consuming four, five, six episodes at a time.  Still, I watched and loved every episode of the quirky comedy, some more than others, so I find myself watching the final episode a bit mournfully, but glad that it won't be driven into the ground like some NBC shows wrapping up this year.

With its references, quirks, absurd antics, and hilarious celebrity cameos, the show is much loved by the Internet community, and lots of sites are compiling lists and reflections on its seven seasons.  A.V. Club suggests ten episodes that best demonstrate how 30 Rock changed the sitcom landscape, while Buzzfeed does its thing with lists of the 30 best jokes and the 50 most important lessons of the show (though they somehow forget Jenna's classic "We're all models west of the Allegheny).  Vulture gets creative by putting together nine classic jokes as infographics, then goes on to nail it with its top ten episodes, identifying "Tracy Does Conan" as the best episode.

For those who don't remember what happens from episode title to episode title, let me list some highlights that prove that this first season episode is the best of the series:  A flashback in which Tracy attacks Conan as a "stabbing robot;" Rachel Dratch's cameo (one of many) when Tracy hallucinates alittle blue dude; Jack coining the term "mind-grapes," which Tracy then casually uses; Dr. Leo 'Medicine's Not A Science' Spaceman's his first appearance; an allusion to Liz's past relationship with Conan O'Brien; Kenneth's battle with four Rite-Drugs at the same intersection; Jenna promo-ing her completely unpronounceable film "The Rural Juror;" an appearance by Aubrey Plaza; and Jack delivering his best line of the series.

And speaking of "The Rural Juror," references to fictional films, television shows, and songs are what I'll always most fondly remember about the show.  They're collected here, but I've listed my top ten below:

10. Los Amantes Clandestinos -- The Puerto Rican soap opera featuring a villain that bears an uncanny resemblance to Jack

9. Homonym -- The gameshow where it's always the other one.

8. Martin Luther King Day -- The star-filled hit from the maker of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve earns bonus points for featuring clips from Love, Actually, too.

7. Bitch Hunter -- Will Ferrell's wildly offensive show is exactly what it sounds like, and is the reason Liz got to produce The Girlie Show

6. MILF Island -- The Survivor parody featured the tagline: "25 Superhot Moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."

5. Gold Case -- Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.  But gold's real heavy...

4. Mystic Pizza, the Musical -- "When life keeps handing you anchovies, just cover them up with some extra cheese and make a pizza, life is a pizza..."

3. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah -- "Spooky, scary, boys becoming men, men becoming wolves..."

2. The Rural Juror -- The true story of Rory Journer, whose pure furor endures a terrible murder

1. The Girlie Show with Tracy Jordan -- The show that brought the 30 Rock cast together for seven seasons of quality comedy, coming back for one final episode in the series finale.

And now I'm working on my night cheese halfway through the finale of one of my favorite real TV shows, saying goodbye to Jack, Liz, Tracy, Jenna, Kenneth, Pete, and the gang.  But only after having earlier revisited that first behind the scenes look at The Girlie Show.

It wasn't HBO.  It was TV.  And I loved every episode.

Art on Ice

As northeast heats up (a high of 70 in DC is hardly Januweather), the Report is cooling down with a few ice related pieces.

First up: ice cream, specifically ice cream trucks.  Photographer Luke Stephenson captured photos of these old ice cream trucks before they get scrapped for no longer meeting EU regulations.  Classic and a little bit creepy, these trucks embody a few fundamental elements of the ice cream truck.  First, the knock-off handpainted copyright infringing presentations of cartoon characters.  I spy Tom, Jerry, Goofy, Pluto, two Donalds, three Poohs, a Pinocchio, and a faded Snow White.  Then there's the ice cream cone strapped to the front, the flavors featured on the side of the truck, and at least one odd instance of the claim that these pre-wrapped popsicles and ice cream bars with bubblegum eyes are "Freshly Made For You."  Sorry, "Ice Man," I highly doubt you made that Two-Ball Screwball yourself.  (Also, that is the name of a treat we sell to children, and no one in marketing was like "Hold up, guys...")

Next up, I know some of our readers are excited at the return of hockey season.  Grantland has compiled a look at the most customized piece of hockey equipment: the goalie mask.  I pick Richard Bachman's Stephen King referencing Shining mask as my favorite, especially as it is cleverly named KSAM REDRUM.  Pekka Rinne's voodoo mask is pretty frightening, too.  And for its sheer simplicity of design, I second the writer's statement: "I just really likeBen Scrivens's Toronto Maple Leafs mask. That is all."

And as long as we're talking hockey, let me take another hack at your productivity today, and remind you that two weeks ago, Google put out this gem of an interactive Doodle, allowing readers to fulfill the universal dream of anyone who has ever attended a hockey game: to be the Zamboni driver.

The only thing we have to report is the Report itself.  And that it is the 131st anniversary of the birth of FDR.

We're Back!

After a two month hiatus (and you thought The Daily Show writers took long breaks...) we're returning today with an aptly named report, obviously referencing the greatest celebrity-voiced animated dinosaur film of all time.  Things went offline for a while starting in December, when I was hit with some all-day, all-week panels, working weekends, and non-stop extended workdays that had me too pooped to 'port.  Then I went on a Christmas vacation, came back, and frankly was just lazy for a while.  At least about Reporting.  Outside of the reporting world I've been busy learning GRE words ("covey - a group of partridges," I'll definitely need to know that to go back to school) and making my way through Infinite Jest (Otter 21, you won't be disappointed for long).

Still, in that time, we missed some genuinely excellent reporting opportunities.  I intend to make-up for a few right here, right now.

Christmas
Just think of all the custom banners we could have had, for starters!  Snowflakes, a rising Ornament "O," a snowman head "O," letters made of presents... So many possibilities!  We could have thrown rocks together at the Old Granville House, sung a carol every day of December, talked up Rankin Bass, hated Uncle Jamie, and torn apart Christmas Shoes.  And of course I would have been sure to tell you what Christmas is all about.

Fiscal Cliff
Remember that? I wouldn't have tried to explain it or link to any relevant article that did... But I would talk about Fiscal Clifford the Big Red Dog.  And offered excerpts of the classic "Fiscal Cliff" episode of The Cosby Show.  You know the one -- To get the kids to clean-up around the Huxtable home, Cliff starts paying them allowance to take care of the messes that pop up, but the kids expose a flaw in his system and start an elaborate system of making messes for others to clean and pooling the cash rewards.  Obviously Cliff catches on, and everyone learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and honesty.

New Year's Eve
I missed out on a great chance to work through a list of my favorite things about 2012.  I could have counted down to my favorite movie (Argo), my favorite book (The Fault In Our Stars), my favorite cute animals... So many possibilities.  Instead I'll take the opportunity to retrospectively and self-servingly pick my Top 5 Morning Reports of 2012:

5.  Game On! -- The Report that started it all obviously merits a mention...  And it helps that it includes a Gingrich-biting penguin.
4.  Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report -- A beautiful reader-submission reflecting on family, tradition, and memory.
3.  Vote Your Heart Out -- A double custom banner, plus links to videos from some of my favorite TV shows.
2.  100 Years of Oreo  -- Long-form humor on one topic, which is unusual for the Report.  Plus, I foretold Oreo's coming out for gay rights!
1.  Mourning Report: King of All the Wild Things -- A reflection on Maurice Sendak that features an interview that inspires me every time I hear it.

I hope those selections represent some of your favorites, too.  And I hope 2013 brings many more reports to choose from.

Til tomorrow, eat in the Cherry Orchard with your Three Sisters and your Uncle Vanya -- It's Anton Chekhov's birthday!