Cats Versus Dogs: The Epic Conclusion

Yesterday, a great subject of newsroom speculation came to an end.  (Or two opposite ends? Of the many possibilities.)  The speculation over, the debate rages on... And in spite of promises to keep the Report apolitical, I think all our readership is intelligent enough to find the argument that moving to Canada to get away from this crazy socialized medicine completely hilarious.  But it seems that even those debating healthcare know of the debate that has been raging here at the Report, as the Affordable Care Cat was upheld, as well.

Well, rest at ease, dear readers, I've spent the day doing my research to come to the bottom of the great Cats Versus Dogs debate, and the conclusion may surprise you.  A refresher, if necessary:  I am of the opinion that dogs are loyal to the end while cats lure us in withcuteness only to lash out.  Admittedly, this ignores some instances of pretty malicious dog behavior.  (Mailman biting, smelling bad when wet, and that thing where they rub their butt on the carpet leap to mind.)  Further research has led me to find that the two engage in apparently equal destruction of human property. The evidence presented here suggests that both creatures are forces to be reckoned with...

And yet we blind ourselves to the Feline Menace and the Attack of the Canines.  They infiltrate our homes, our hearts, even our Hollywood!  As yesterday's Report on tearjerker dog stories indicated, this cultural invasion may be part of an attempt to manipulate us emotionally, to win us over.  And win us over they have.  Don't believe me?  Listen to Jimmy Stewart read the poem at the end and tell me you don't get emotional.  (If you tell me this, I won't believe you.  Within view of a framed photo of the Dais of my life, I was crying.)

But what does this all mean?  Infiltration through our cultural mediums, ultimately leading to destruction of the home?  And not just by cats.  And not just by dogs.  But by an apparently united front of cats AND dogs?  What are we to make of this?

Perhaps, dear readers, you have seen this conclusion coming.  Perhaps you read ahead a little (by accident).  Or saw the links on the sidebar and realized my chain of thought.  Or picked up on a thread of sci-fi language running through the conclusion to this three day Report Event.  Or perhaps you have known all along.  (Search your feelings. You know it to be true.)  Internet exploring has revealed... We may not know the creatures we know and love as well as we once thought, because... They are ALIENS.  Yes, the evidence is here, photo documentation of cats and dogs (and a few other so-called "animals") returning to their own planets.  That's right, the battle of Cats VS Dogs is actually not unlike the battle of Alien VS Predator.  Whoever wins... We lose.

There it is, dear readers, the shocking conclusion to the Cats Versus Dogs Morning Report Trilogy.  (Don't worry, I won't ruin it all with a prequel trilogy...)  So... What are we to do with these aliens among us, now that we, brave group of 50 readers (!!!) know the truth?  We must not let them know.  Already, Google's computer may have led them to think we know too much, and with our numbers so few and our front not yet united, we would be ruined if they attempt to conquer us now.  No, dear readers, we proceed as normal.  I will continue the Report, and it will continue to include links to cute animals.  But know now that these doses of cuteness to appease our alien overlords (because, be honest with yourself, in your relationship with your pet, which of you is the owner?) also serve as reminders of the threats that walk around us on four legs.

Pet them, hug them, take them for walks, watch them on YouTube, but know that one fine day with a woof and a purr... they will rise up.  And it is up to us, not as cat people or dog people, but simply as people, to be ready when that day comes.

Two legs good.  Four legs (super adorable and fuzzy, but also potentially) bad.

Spoiler Alert: The Dog Dies

Perhaps more contentious than any political report has ever been, the Cats Vs Dogs debate rages on among the readership.  Eric informed me that the dogs are on the defensive, in an effort known as Dog Fort.  Armed with overwhelming cuteness, they defend against the feline uprising.  Johan, meanwhile, suggests that resistance against the feline menace is futile.  They will, no doubt, disarm us with acuddle-puddle of kitten-cuteness and then attack.  

We'll continue with a dog story today, as Andrew Sullivan guided me to an essay examining the human emotional reaction to that moment in nearly every movie that features a dog when (Spoiler Alert) the dog dies.  Wilson offers an excellent look at why Where the Red Fern Grows is impossible to read aloud because the words get blocked by sobs, why we panic when Shadow is stuck in the train tracks during his Incredible Journey, and why we don't even want to talk about Marley and Me, please, no, stop, I can't even think about it even though I knew it would happen.  I think the analysis here is spot on with regards to the guilt angle, but I think he gets the empathy part of his analysis wrong.  I don't know that we empathize with the dead/dying dog, as Wilson suggests, but with those in the work who have a relationship with the dog.  It is Billy we empathize with when Old Dan and Annie die, and our heart breaks with Peter's when Shadow isn't there with Chance and Sassy.  Similarly it is Travis, not Yeller, whose shoes we put ourselves in.  Yes, we are there with Yeller in the end, but through the eyes of Travis; we don't take the bullet, we pull the trigger, but only because we have to. "He's my dog, I'll do it," Travis says, but we are there with him, just as we have been the whole time, to say, "He's our dog, we'll do it."

This complex combination of guilt and empathy makes "The Dog Dies" one of the most effective clichés in the movie world.  Of course, other clichés aren't nearly as emotionally effective.  Some of them, as this article points out, are just plain silly.  Rimstidt's observations are wonderfully entertaining, from calculating the infrequent correctness of the stopped clock to another thing (if not another thing, then one thing).  He's also got me wondering, what if in my attempt to eat my cake, too, I drop it in the driven snow?  Does the five second rule still apply?  Or is that a stupid question?...

Wax on, wax off, don't sweep the leg, but do feel guilty that you can't think of any role he played other than Mr. Miyagi; the late Pat Morita would have turned 80 today.

Cats Versus Dogs

Goodness me, a few days without reporting and the ever-changing world of the Internet has undergone massive change.  Apparently someone at Nabisco was tipped off about a previous report, because the traditionally black and white Oreo came out and got colorful.  As one Facebook friend of mine noted "Even homophobes would get down with gay rights if it meant septuple Oreos."  (The Internet being what it is, it proved him wrong, but still...)  Meanwhile, in far darker news (at least from my canine-centric position), Google has developed a computer neural network that provides evidence of machine learning.  No, I'm not being paranoid about Skynet and having to go with Arnold Schwarzenegger if I want to live, I'm traumatized by the fact that this apparently learning computer used its learning to... find cats on the Internet.

I will not stand idly by and let cats continue their domination of the Internet, dear readers.  Because if Skynet turns out to be the computing equivalent of a cat lady, keyboard cat will play us off... the planet.  So today I'm joining fellow Georgetown-alum Nick Kroll in combating cat power with a dog-dominated report.  It's a move that I'm sure my favorite dog with apparently oposable thumbs would approve.  Via text message, of course.  Unless he's too busy terrorizing his owner, the postman, or humanity in general... In the most hilarious ways.  He, too, is resilient in the face of cat bullying, as a pesky neighborhood cat makes a mess of his garden.

While dogs are (hu)man's best friend, even when causing chaos, that doesn't mean we should try to make them look more human-like, though.  I've always been staunchly opposed to dogs wearing clothes.  (Look at him! He thinks he's people!)  And my coworkers know that I'm deathly afraid of dogs with people hands.  (Though cats with hands are substantially more terrifying.)  Well, add to that list of do-nots,dogs with eyebrows.  It's quite simply disarming and alarming.  It seems only the constantly adorable corgi can maintain its cute and avoid being creepy when browed.

As cats continue to battle dogs in their quest for world domination, we cannot stand idly by, though I worry there is little we can do to sway the tide of this lifelong battle one way or the other.  All we can do is watch them on youtube and scroll through cute pictures.  And, occasionally, provide voices for them in movies, like Tobey Maguire did in 2001's "Cats And Dogs."  (Self-aware Segue!)  The eternally youthful Mr. Maguire celebrates his 35th birthday today.  Put on your dancing shoes (or Spidey-suit) and celebrate.