Issue 30!

NOTE: While a later review of Report records would reveal this to be the 29th Report, I will not attempt to re-write history here.  Future counts of Report entries will provide an accurate count.

Welcome to the special 30th issue of the Report!

Before we kick off the exciting new celebrations, a pair of neat President/Flag related links provided by one reader.  First, and sent before she even knew I was writing about flags and presidents that day, a link to a piece that has somehow not been mega-hyped on all sorts of news pages.  Released just last week, on June 5, the papers of Dr. Charles A. Leale, the first physician to reach Abraham Lincoln on the night of his assassination at Ford's Theater.  The papers, more easily read in this exact transcript, provide an account of the night in incredible (at times graphic) detail.  What most surprised me, though, was the fact that Lincoln did not die until 7:22 the following morning; I had always imagined him pronounced dead at the scene.  Also, the detail of Booth's leg catching in the American flag seems appropriate given yesterday's holiday and the symbolism that might make you roll your eyes if it happened in a novel.  And, speaking of flags, she also informed me that the American flags flown over the U.S. Capitol are actually available for purchase.  While it's too late to give them as Flag Day gifts, remember, the 4th of July is coming up!

But now, to business.  As you can see, we've made a few changes here at The Morning Report.  First, you may have noticed that these are coming from a different e-mail address!  Reports will now be sent from the very official morning.reporter.dc@gmail.com.

  (morning.reporter was already taken, so I got geographically specific.)  Next, I've used my (limited) Adobe skills to craft an official Report banner.  Note, though, that just as the title "The Morning Report" has not always proven accurate, nor does the rising sun in the banner guarantee AM distribution.

Finally, and perhaps most exciting of all, following the advice and requests of more than a few of you, the Report is becoming a blog!  From now on, when you click on the banner at the top of these e-mails, you'll be transported to the new blog, "From the Desk of the Morning Reporter."  Not only will I update it each night with the distribution from that day, but I'm also beginning to upload the archived issues.  For most readers, these issues are completely uncharted territory, and well-worth checking out.  An interesting point to note, though: These issues will be uploaded and dated as though they had been posted on the day they were originally distributed.  We're using the Internet as a sort of time machine here in order to keep the narrative arc from Mementoing.  Past and present flashes are too confusing.  I will, however, be taking the opportunity to provide some commentary on past posts.  Starting with the first one.

We'll be uploading more from the archives as the days go on.  But for now, dear readers, thank you for your continued support of the Report.  I am thrilled by the way this has grown and hope that you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them.  Please, do keep the responses coming.  One of the best things about this is that it converts the clicking-around exploring of the Internet, which so often becomes a solitary wandering, into a shared exploration.  Much like what I imagine a wilderness safari is like based on my trips to Disney World, these journeys into the wilds of the web are that much greater when someone else is there to go "Oh, hey, did you see that?!"

Finally, remember to Pay It Forward today for Helen Hunt's birthday!  "Twister?  I hardly know her!"

Til Monday, e-mail me definitely, corgi maybe?

Grand Old Flag Day

Did you feel different when you woke up this morning?  More patriotic?  Subconsciously drawn to the stripes in your wardrobe?  Waving to people as you walked past?  That's because today is a special day... No, not Pizza Day.  It's Flag Day!  So today we have a special patriotic edition of the Morning Report.

Before we begin, a note.  I have already been in communication with some readers today who disapprove of this celebratory acknowledgement of the adoption of our flag (by the Second Continental Congress back in 1777).  Some voices of dissent worry about this mindless, overdone nationalism.  These voices, no doubt, are the same Yankee Doodle Dandies who sing choruses of "I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, But I also retain my cultural heritage from my parents’ nation of choice," rather than "God bless America. We basically just kick ass" when attending a Reworked Patriotic Songs Sing-Along.  Well, whether you're bedazzled with flag pins, dressed slate grey in opposition to potentially xenophobic side-effects, or just saw the calendar in your office today and said "Oh, it's Flag Day," (Guilty) the Report is observing.

And we begin our observation with some important rules about Old Glory that you probably didn't know.  Certainly you knew that flag burning was a big faux-pas in the fitfty nifty, save for those boy scouts engaging in proper disposal following a flag that has accidentally been unceremoniously sullied by the ground.  But were you aware of the rules surrounding one-night stands with the stars and stripes?  Though really, who does this apply to?  At 235, if the flag is sleeping with any of our readers, well... I guess OLD Glory is something of a cougar.

But, as we all (should) know, the waving flag that we know today was not always the fifty-starred fixture found on our current poles.  The original Flag Resolution of 1777 states that "the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes, alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new Constellation."  It's funny to imagine that teenage flag, and all its variants as it grew up.  But, I suppose it's sort of funny to imagine all political things in their youth.  Oh, little Mitt, how adorable you were when you were a child, displaying some semblance of human emotion.  Though as #22 indicates, even as children the Romneys had trouble with appropriate human behavior... "Look's like somebody brought a gun to a... Oh, it's not a knife fight?  It's a baby?  My bad."

But here I go getting political in the Report.  Apologies, dear readers... Before you know it, I'll be making comments about how appropriate the head in the sand photo of #9 is.  And speaking of heads of state... Oh, Game of Thrones producers... Even Petyr Baelish would have told you that was a bad idea. (Perhaps with a wave of his Littlefinger. Boom.)

Dear me, patriotism turned to political jest.  Please, readers, accept these patriotic puppies as an apology.

Get FIRED up for the rest of your day... It's the Donald's birthday!

Oh, and tomorrow will bring big news for the 30th Report!

Noises Off

Before we start today's reporting, many thanks for the positive feedback on Monday's Oreo piece.  I feel encouraged to try more long form reflection on important issues in future reports, just as one reader felt compelled to bake some DIY Oreos.  My mother, meanwhile, brought to my attention another piece of timely Oreo news: The man who invented the modern Oreo filling that we know and love, Sam J. Porcello, died at the end of last month.  (No, he wasn't over 100.  The frosting gluing the cookies together got a new recipe during Porcello's 34 years at Nabisco.)

Today, though, we transition from food to sounds.  (A transition that would deeply upset my uncle, who I suspect is mildly misophonic.)  First, toss on some headphones and head over to the Museum of Endangered Sounds.  Brendan Chilcutt has constructed a living record of dying noises, from that iconic Nokia ringtone to the beeps of a hungry Tamagotchi.  Some, I think, are more endangered than others.  Pacman and Tetris, for example, have a great deal more longevity than ye olde printer and floppy disk.  (Added bonus: Fans of Gerbils can go exploring on the Museum's page to find some contemporary cuteness to jumpstart their day.)

While these sounds may spark nostalgia for some of our older readers and "What the hell noise is that?" from some of our younger readers, NPR reports on the science behind another type of sound: the scary noise.  The increasingly frantic cellos of Jaws; the slashing strings of Psycho; the low music that you wish that stupid bimbo could hear, because then she'd know not to open that door, not that she should need the music cue, what's she doing wandering around alone, anyway, everyone knows Ghostface is on the loose... All of these scores that scare are similar to... the sound of shrieking baby marmots?  Really?  An interesting observation, though, as the article notes, the use of nonlinear noises is something composers seem to have picked up on their own, without animal study.  Sorry to anyone hoping for video footage of John Williams wandering around the wilderness snatching up marmots.

And, finally, one more noise for the day, this one less dated or frightening.  Here are 32 Pictures That Will Make You Say 'Awwwww.'  And some inevitable commentary... Are pitbull puppy purses something sold in stores, or was that custom made?  That baby bear tree is amazing, but how did a dozen (by my count) baby bears get up there together?  Maybe the pandas of 17 helped them.  Can't decide if the otter kiss is cuter than the owl one.  And is the giraffe's long neck forcing perspective, or does that baby have a huge head?  And is that bear cub punching his teddy bear friend in the head?  Cutest of the bunch, though? My vote is for the puppy who is ready for his walk.  Though the fox pair is a close second.  Aww, indeed, bonus, possibly stoned puppy, aww indeed.

If you find yourself up on the rooftop doing some home improvement, try not to fall, even if you do so with style.  (That's right, it's Tim Allen's birthday!)

To Infinity, and Beyond!

100 Years of Oreo

Nabisco is celebrating 100 years of the Oreo.  100 years of what has, since its 1912 production in a New York City factory, climbed the cookie ladder to become the best selling cookie of the 20^th century, a title it is likely to hold for the 21st, as well.  Certainly the cookie’s monster sales make this a centennial of snacking worth celebrating, but I want to ask some questions about the invitation before I R.S.V.P. to the birthday party of the sweetest sandwich around.

First, the banner invitation on these new packages invites me to “Celebrate the Kid Inside.”  Nabisco, a word of advice: If your product has something inside it, you need to consider your prepositions a bit more carefully.  I suppose this is intended to evoke childish nostalgia for those of us in (or on the edge of) adulthood who find ourselves filling our cookie jars with the same treats we so inconspicuously snuck from the jars our parents filled.  (“Who me? Couldn’t be!” we said, smiling through teeth flecked with the tell-all black crumbs.)  Just as our parents knew then, so Nabisco knows now, the careful twisting that opens this cookie opens a sense of childish wonder beyond simple sugar rush.

Yet still, I find myself looking at this blue, waving ribbon, draped over an open cookie, frosting face-up, and wonder if the banner’s bold-faced declaration of “Kid Inside” betrays a long-guarded Nabisco secret.  Is Nabisco the testing grounds for Kraft’s secret subsidiary, Soylent Green?  Have they found a way to distill the sugar, set aside the spice, and mix in just a touch of everything nice?  Is this what Oreos are made of?  Or does the banner allude, not to part of what’s processed, but part of the process?  When my tiny elementary school hands clumsily broke the cookie in a mismanaged twisting, was I unwittingly undoing the work of a similarly tiny pair of hands?  As the Keebler elves were hard at work in the hollow tree, were Nabisco’s own little laborers slaving away to keep Nabisco competitive?

Surely, this must be an inadvertent piece of marketing mismanagement, not a subtle spilling of company secrets.  No, if Oreo is to remain America’s favorite cookie, we must assume that the cookie-loving “Kid Inside” of us is allowed to enjoy these treats without there being ethically compromising kids inside the frosting or the factory.

But it is not just America that has decided to endorse Oreo as its favorite cookie.  Milk, too, has thrown its cap into the ring, and the recognizable blue packaging declares proudly that these chocolate sandwiches are “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.”  A bold claim, and one that’s got me wondering: How exactly did Nabisco reach this conclusion?  Was there a survey?  A census?  When ascertaining the preferences of milk, who does one ask?  The dairy farmer?  The cow?  The beverage itself?

Let’s assume Nabisco went straight to the product.  (Not straight to the source; that puts us back in the cow-farmer dilemma.)  If we make this assumption, we only open up more questions.  Was all milk surveyed?  And I don’t just mean all flavors, from chocolate to strawberry, and everything in between.  A spectrum of plain, unflavored milk must be considered, from skim to whole.  Given that they share a favorite cookie, perhaps milk operated like America, allowing the 1% to dictate the interests of all milk-kind.  Perhaps soy would have preferred the organic and vegan Newman O’s, while almond would seek nut solidarity and cast its vote for Nutter Butter.

Or another possibility:  When boasting the claim, “Milk’s Favorite Cookie,” Nabisco refers not to the bone-fortifying beverage, but to the Penn-portrayed politician Harvey Milk.  Could it be that this prominent boast is, in fact, a deliberately manipulated celebrity endorsement? Has Nabisco intentionally misrepresented Milk’s attempt to establish the cookie as the official snack of the gay rights movement? Though Rainbow Chips Ahoy were, it would seem, the obvious choice, consider the perfect union of two identical cookies, a marriage that America had already endorsed.  Like my other favorite “Black on the outside, white on the inside” piece of Americana, Barack Obama, it is time for Oreo to embrace Milk’s endorsement and come out openly in support of gay marriage.  Surely the happy marriage allowed these cookies should be allowed to all Americans.  (Since I originally wrote this, THEY DID!)

Or yet another possibility: I have gone too far in politicizing this delicious snack.  In exploring the surface of the packaging, I have touched on cannibalism, labor policy, the occupy movement, and gay marriage, but have failed to unsheathe the plastic sleeve and enjoy the goodness it contains.  The fact of the matter is, regardless of who favors it or how it’s made, this is a good cookie.  A great cookie, whether you choose to eat it as is, open it up, or dunk it in the drink.  A cookie that has been with me through thick (double-stuffed?) and thin (reduced fat?).  A binge-worthy comfort food, an excellent ice cream ingredient, a fixture at elementary school birthday parties, the pinnacle of the bartering-based cafeteria economy.

So, as Nabisco invites me to “Celebrate the Kid Inside,” I choose also to celebrate the cookie inside that distinctive blue package.  Oreo, I raise my glass of 1% and offer a toast to you in your centennial: Here’s to another century of America’s favorite cookie, to a new era of twisting and dunking, and to crumb-flecked smiles for generations to come.