Whole Milk Married

For the past two days, much of the American political world's attention was on the U.S. Supreme Court as it heard two high profile cases on the subject of gay marriage.  On Tuesday, the Court heard arguments on California's Proposition 8, while yesterday they heard arguments on the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act.  But the action was not just in the Court.  Outside the Court, crowds gathered to make their opinions heard, many bearing clever and classic signs in support of gay marriage.  And those who lacked either the geographic proximity or the time to travel down to the Court made their opinions heard online, most notably by turning Facebook into a wall of red equals signs, or variants thereof.
 
Many words have been exchanged on the subject, in the Court, online, in newspapers, and on television, but the most memorable line of the two days came from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, when she said that defending DOMA was essentially saying that there are "two kinds of marriage, there's full marriage and then there's sort of skim milk marriage."  These words will no doubt be among the most memorable of these historic proceedings, and long-time readers know I'm not one to let talk of food and politics pass by without a more thorough analysis.
 
First, there's Justice Ginsburg's choice of marriage-related beverage.  Why milk?  Champagne is probably the beverage most traditionally associated with marriage, but there's no champagne-lite sort of equivalent.  But what about beer?  Traditional marriage could be the Miller High Life marriage, while in comes the nasty-ass Miller Lite marriage offered to same-sex married couples.  Though maybe Justice Ginsburg was avoiding alcoholic beverages to keep things family friendly.  After all, this is marriage we're talking about, and the support of the stable family was a frequent topic of conversation over the two days.  So why not a soda parallel?  "Marriage" and "Diet Marriage" seems a lot easier to say off the cuff.  And let's be honest, much more of the American public would understand a soda reference than a milk one.  Or is talking about soda a political taboo right now after Bloomberg's failed soda ban.

No, Justice Ginsburg went with milk.  Traditional marriage defenders and fans of Freud rejoice, she picked milk!  Milk, of course!  Milk, as in breast milk, as in mother's milk, as in a mother and a father.  Gotcha, Ginsburg!  You've been tangled up in your own words, because the only milk that matters in marriage is the mother's milk, further support for the argument that children need a mother and a father.  Boom.  Seems you've been breasted, Justice.  But wait!  Could there be an argument for milk that would support gay marriage?  Milk that the gay crowd could get behind, huh?  Oh!  How about Harvey Milk, gay rights activist and the first openly gay man elected to public office in America?  (Also notorious Oreo fan.)  So the word choice doesn't mean subconscious support for one side or another after all.

If you think about it quickly, though, what Justice Ginsburg is proposing doesn't sound that bad.  For straight married couples, Whole Milk Marriage.  Gay couples, you get Skim Milk Marriage.  Sure, it's not as rich and creamy as Whole Milk Marriage, but it's a marriage alternative that won't raise your cholesterol and make you fat.  Sounds good to me!  All the health-conscious homosexuals should be lapping this up, right?  But think on it a little longer.  Cooking up a pop-over?  Hope you've got Whole Milk.  A nice rich cream sauce?  Skim's not gonna cut it.  And in the recipe book I've got for my ice cream maker, guess how many recipes call for skim milk.  Zero.  That's right, a Skim Milk Marriage is a marriage without ice cream, and a marriage without ice cream... Well, that's hardly a marriage at all.  At least, it's certainly not the kind of marriage I want.

And maybe Justice Ginsburg picked her milk metaphor knowing just how well it could be carried across to other types of milk and marriages.  It is a fact universally acknowledged that a tall, cold glass of chocolate milk is delicious.  And if we expand Justice Ginsburg's metaphor, Chocolate Milk Marriages have been a legal right since 1967's Loving v. Virginia.  And civil unions?  Justice Ginsburg would simply point to products like Lactaid and Silk.  Sure, they'll tell you a Milk Substitute Civil Union tastes just like the real deal... But everyone knows that's total bullshit.  There's something about that Whole Milk Marriage, and substitutes just don't cut it.

And speaking of Lactaid, there comes the final parallel of Milk and Marriage.  Plenty of people cut milk and dairy out of their diet entirely, or they seek out Lactaid-like alternatives, because they are lactose intolerant.  They can't drink milk.  Their stomachs turn, they get bloated and upset if they consume even the slightest quantity of milk, skim or whole.  And, let's face it, there are people out there who have the same reaction to gay marriage.  Except, here's where the parallel falls apart.  Because people who are lactose intolerant just cut milk from their own diets.  They don't try to go around stopping everyone else from drinking milk.

Not being able to digest milk, so you stop drinking it yourself?  That's lactose intolerant.  Not being able to digest the idea of gay marriage, so you work to stop gay people from getting married?  That's just intolerant.

So, while I raised my glass of crumb-filled 1% for Oreo's birthday, now I raise my glass of hope-filled whole milk that when the time comes I will be able to get Whole Milked Married.

Cats Versus Dogs

Goodness me, a few days without reporting and the ever-changing world of the Internet has undergone massive change.  Apparently someone at Nabisco was tipped off about a previous report, because the traditionally black and white Oreo came out and got colorful.  As one Facebook friend of mine noted "Even homophobes would get down with gay rights if it meant septuple Oreos."  (The Internet being what it is, it proved him wrong, but still...)  Meanwhile, in far darker news (at least from my canine-centric position), Google has developed a computer neural network that provides evidence of machine learning.  No, I'm not being paranoid about Skynet and having to go with Arnold Schwarzenegger if I want to live, I'm traumatized by the fact that this apparently learning computer used its learning to... find cats on the Internet.

I will not stand idly by and let cats continue their domination of the Internet, dear readers.  Because if Skynet turns out to be the computing equivalent of a cat lady, keyboard cat will play us off... the planet.  So today I'm joining fellow Georgetown-alum Nick Kroll in combating cat power with a dog-dominated report.  It's a move that I'm sure my favorite dog with apparently oposable thumbs would approve.  Via text message, of course.  Unless he's too busy terrorizing his owner, the postman, or humanity in general... In the most hilarious ways.  He, too, is resilient in the face of cat bullying, as a pesky neighborhood cat makes a mess of his garden.

While dogs are (hu)man's best friend, even when causing chaos, that doesn't mean we should try to make them look more human-like, though.  I've always been staunchly opposed to dogs wearing clothes.  (Look at him! He thinks he's people!)  And my coworkers know that I'm deathly afraid of dogs with people hands.  (Though cats with hands are substantially more terrifying.)  Well, add to that list of do-nots,dogs with eyebrows.  It's quite simply disarming and alarming.  It seems only the constantly adorable corgi can maintain its cute and avoid being creepy when browed.

As cats continue to battle dogs in their quest for world domination, we cannot stand idly by, though I worry there is little we can do to sway the tide of this lifelong battle one way or the other.  All we can do is watch them on youtube and scroll through cute pictures.  And, occasionally, provide voices for them in movies, like Tobey Maguire did in 2001's "Cats And Dogs."  (Self-aware Segue!)  The eternally youthful Mr. Maguire celebrates his 35th birthday today.  Put on your dancing shoes (or Spidey-suit) and celebrate.

Noises Off

Before we start today's reporting, many thanks for the positive feedback on Monday's Oreo piece.  I feel encouraged to try more long form reflection on important issues in future reports, just as one reader felt compelled to bake some DIY Oreos.  My mother, meanwhile, brought to my attention another piece of timely Oreo news: The man who invented the modern Oreo filling that we know and love, Sam J. Porcello, died at the end of last month.  (No, he wasn't over 100.  The frosting gluing the cookies together got a new recipe during Porcello's 34 years at Nabisco.)

Today, though, we transition from food to sounds.  (A transition that would deeply upset my uncle, who I suspect is mildly misophonic.)  First, toss on some headphones and head over to the Museum of Endangered Sounds.  Brendan Chilcutt has constructed a living record of dying noises, from that iconic Nokia ringtone to the beeps of a hungry Tamagotchi.  Some, I think, are more endangered than others.  Pacman and Tetris, for example, have a great deal more longevity than ye olde printer and floppy disk.  (Added bonus: Fans of Gerbils can go exploring on the Museum's page to find some contemporary cuteness to jumpstart their day.)

While these sounds may spark nostalgia for some of our older readers and "What the hell noise is that?" from some of our younger readers, NPR reports on the science behind another type of sound: the scary noise.  The increasingly frantic cellos of Jaws; the slashing strings of Psycho; the low music that you wish that stupid bimbo could hear, because then she'd know not to open that door, not that she should need the music cue, what's she doing wandering around alone, anyway, everyone knows Ghostface is on the loose... All of these scores that scare are similar to... the sound of shrieking baby marmots?  Really?  An interesting observation, though, as the article notes, the use of nonlinear noises is something composers seem to have picked up on their own, without animal study.  Sorry to anyone hoping for video footage of John Williams wandering around the wilderness snatching up marmots.

And, finally, one more noise for the day, this one less dated or frightening.  Here are 32 Pictures That Will Make You Say 'Awwwww.'  And some inevitable commentary... Are pitbull puppy purses something sold in stores, or was that custom made?  That baby bear tree is amazing, but how did a dozen (by my count) baby bears get up there together?  Maybe the pandas of 17 helped them.  Can't decide if the otter kiss is cuter than the owl one.  And is the giraffe's long neck forcing perspective, or does that baby have a huge head?  And is that bear cub punching his teddy bear friend in the head?  Cutest of the bunch, though? My vote is for the puppy who is ready for his walk.  Though the fox pair is a close second.  Aww, indeed, bonus, possibly stoned puppy, aww indeed.

If you find yourself up on the rooftop doing some home improvement, try not to fall, even if you do so with style.  (That's right, it's Tim Allen's birthday!)

To Infinity, and Beyond!

100 Years of Oreo

Nabisco is celebrating 100 years of the Oreo.  100 years of what has, since its 1912 production in a New York City factory, climbed the cookie ladder to become the best selling cookie of the 20^th century, a title it is likely to hold for the 21st, as well.  Certainly the cookie’s monster sales make this a centennial of snacking worth celebrating, but I want to ask some questions about the invitation before I R.S.V.P. to the birthday party of the sweetest sandwich around.

First, the banner invitation on these new packages invites me to “Celebrate the Kid Inside.”  Nabisco, a word of advice: If your product has something inside it, you need to consider your prepositions a bit more carefully.  I suppose this is intended to evoke childish nostalgia for those of us in (or on the edge of) adulthood who find ourselves filling our cookie jars with the same treats we so inconspicuously snuck from the jars our parents filled.  (“Who me? Couldn’t be!” we said, smiling through teeth flecked with the tell-all black crumbs.)  Just as our parents knew then, so Nabisco knows now, the careful twisting that opens this cookie opens a sense of childish wonder beyond simple sugar rush.

Yet still, I find myself looking at this blue, waving ribbon, draped over an open cookie, frosting face-up, and wonder if the banner’s bold-faced declaration of “Kid Inside” betrays a long-guarded Nabisco secret.  Is Nabisco the testing grounds for Kraft’s secret subsidiary, Soylent Green?  Have they found a way to distill the sugar, set aside the spice, and mix in just a touch of everything nice?  Is this what Oreos are made of?  Or does the banner allude, not to part of what’s processed, but part of the process?  When my tiny elementary school hands clumsily broke the cookie in a mismanaged twisting, was I unwittingly undoing the work of a similarly tiny pair of hands?  As the Keebler elves were hard at work in the hollow tree, were Nabisco’s own little laborers slaving away to keep Nabisco competitive?

Surely, this must be an inadvertent piece of marketing mismanagement, not a subtle spilling of company secrets.  No, if Oreo is to remain America’s favorite cookie, we must assume that the cookie-loving “Kid Inside” of us is allowed to enjoy these treats without there being ethically compromising kids inside the frosting or the factory.

But it is not just America that has decided to endorse Oreo as its favorite cookie.  Milk, too, has thrown its cap into the ring, and the recognizable blue packaging declares proudly that these chocolate sandwiches are “Milk’s Favorite Cookie.”  A bold claim, and one that’s got me wondering: How exactly did Nabisco reach this conclusion?  Was there a survey?  A census?  When ascertaining the preferences of milk, who does one ask?  The dairy farmer?  The cow?  The beverage itself?

Let’s assume Nabisco went straight to the product.  (Not straight to the source; that puts us back in the cow-farmer dilemma.)  If we make this assumption, we only open up more questions.  Was all milk surveyed?  And I don’t just mean all flavors, from chocolate to strawberry, and everything in between.  A spectrum of plain, unflavored milk must be considered, from skim to whole.  Given that they share a favorite cookie, perhaps milk operated like America, allowing the 1% to dictate the interests of all milk-kind.  Perhaps soy would have preferred the organic and vegan Newman O’s, while almond would seek nut solidarity and cast its vote for Nutter Butter.

Or another possibility:  When boasting the claim, “Milk’s Favorite Cookie,” Nabisco refers not to the bone-fortifying beverage, but to the Penn-portrayed politician Harvey Milk.  Could it be that this prominent boast is, in fact, a deliberately manipulated celebrity endorsement? Has Nabisco intentionally misrepresented Milk’s attempt to establish the cookie as the official snack of the gay rights movement? Though Rainbow Chips Ahoy were, it would seem, the obvious choice, consider the perfect union of two identical cookies, a marriage that America had already endorsed.  Like my other favorite “Black on the outside, white on the inside” piece of Americana, Barack Obama, it is time for Oreo to embrace Milk’s endorsement and come out openly in support of gay marriage.  Surely the happy marriage allowed these cookies should be allowed to all Americans.  (Since I originally wrote this, THEY DID!)

Or yet another possibility: I have gone too far in politicizing this delicious snack.  In exploring the surface of the packaging, I have touched on cannibalism, labor policy, the occupy movement, and gay marriage, but have failed to unsheathe the plastic sleeve and enjoy the goodness it contains.  The fact of the matter is, regardless of who favors it or how it’s made, this is a good cookie.  A great cookie, whether you choose to eat it as is, open it up, or dunk it in the drink.  A cookie that has been with me through thick (double-stuffed?) and thin (reduced fat?).  A binge-worthy comfort food, an excellent ice cream ingredient, a fixture at elementary school birthday parties, the pinnacle of the bartering-based cafeteria economy.

So, as Nabisco invites me to “Celebrate the Kid Inside,” I choose also to celebrate the cookie inside that distinctive blue package.  Oreo, I raise my glass of 1% and offer a toast to you in your centennial: Here’s to another century of America’s favorite cookie, to a new era of twisting and dunking, and to crumb-flecked smiles for generations to come.