For the past two days, much of the American political world's attention was on the U.S. Supreme Court as it heard two high profile cases on the subject of gay marriage. On Tuesday, the Court heard arguments on California's Proposition 8, while yesterday they heard arguments on the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act. But the action was not just in the Court. Outside the Court, crowds gathered to make their opinions heard, many bearing clever and classic signs in support of gay marriage. And those who lacked either the geographic proximity or the time to travel down to the Court made their opinions heard online, most notably by turning Facebook into a wall of red equals signs, or variants thereof.
Many words have been exchanged on the subject, in the Court, online, in newspapers, and on television, but the most memorable line of the two days came from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, when she said that defending DOMA was essentially saying that there are "two kinds of marriage, there's full marriage and then there's sort of skim milk marriage." These words will no doubt be among the most memorable of these historic proceedings, and long-time readers know I'm not one to let talk of food and politics pass by without a more thorough analysis.
First, there's Justice Ginsburg's choice of marriage-related beverage. Why milk? Champagne is probably the beverage most traditionally associated with marriage, but there's no champagne-lite sort of equivalent. But what about beer? Traditional marriage could be the Miller High Life marriage, while in comes the nasty-ass Miller Lite marriage offered to same-sex married couples. Though maybe Justice Ginsburg was avoiding alcoholic beverages to keep things family friendly. After all, this is marriage we're talking about, and the support of the stable family was a frequent topic of conversation over the two days. So why not a soda parallel? "Marriage" and "Diet Marriage" seems a lot easier to say off the cuff. And let's be honest, much more of the American public would understand a soda reference than a milk one. Or is talking about soda a political taboo right now after Bloomberg's failed soda ban.
No, Justice Ginsburg went with milk. Traditional marriage defenders and fans of Freud rejoice, she picked milk! Milk, of course! Milk, as in breast milk, as in mother's milk, as in a mother and a father. Gotcha, Ginsburg! You've been tangled up in your own words, because the only milk that matters in marriage is the mother's milk, further support for the argument that children need a mother and a father. Boom. Seems you've been breasted, Justice. But wait! Could there be an argument for milk that would support gay marriage? Milk that the gay crowd could get behind, huh? Oh! How about Harvey Milk, gay rights activist and the first openly gay man elected to public office in America? (Also notorious Oreo fan.) So the word choice doesn't mean subconscious support for one side or another after all.
If you think about it quickly, though, what Justice Ginsburg is proposing doesn't sound that bad. For straight married couples, Whole Milk Marriage. Gay couples, you get Skim Milk Marriage. Sure, it's not as rich and creamy as Whole Milk Marriage, but it's a marriage alternative that won't raise your cholesterol and make you fat. Sounds good to me! All the health-conscious homosexuals should be lapping this up, right? But think on it a little longer. Cooking up a pop-over? Hope you've got Whole Milk. A nice rich cream sauce? Skim's not gonna cut it. And in the recipe book I've got for my ice cream maker, guess how many recipes call for skim milk. Zero. That's right, a Skim Milk Marriage is a marriage without ice cream, and a marriage without ice cream... Well, that's hardly a marriage at all. At least, it's certainly not the kind of marriage I want.
And maybe Justice Ginsburg picked her milk metaphor knowing just how well it could be carried across to other types of milk and marriages. It is a fact universally acknowledged that a tall, cold glass of chocolate milk is delicious. And if we expand Justice Ginsburg's metaphor, Chocolate Milk Marriages have been a legal right since 1967's Loving v. Virginia. And civil unions? Justice Ginsburg would simply point to products like Lactaid and Silk. Sure, they'll tell you a Milk Substitute Civil Union tastes just like the real deal... But everyone knows that's total bullshit. There's something about that Whole Milk Marriage, and substitutes just don't cut it.
And speaking of Lactaid, there comes the final parallel of Milk and Marriage. Plenty of people cut milk and dairy out of their diet entirely, or they seek out Lactaid-like alternatives, because they are lactose intolerant. They can't drink milk. Their stomachs turn, they get bloated and upset if they consume even the slightest quantity of milk, skim or whole. And, let's face it, there are people out there who have the same reaction to gay marriage. Except, here's where the parallel falls apart. Because people who are lactose intolerant just cut milk from their own diets. They don't try to go around stopping everyone else from drinking milk.
Not being able to digest milk, so you stop drinking it yourself? That's lactose intolerant. Not being able to digest the idea of gay marriage, so you work to stop gay people from getting married? That's just intolerant.
So, while I raised my glass of crumb-filled 1% for Oreo's birthday, now I raise my glass of hope-filled whole milk that when the time comes I will be able to get Whole Milked Married.
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