Hypothetical Thursday

Following on "How-To Tuesday" and "Wicked Busy Wednesday" (too busy to report, anyway), the madness of the seven days following Thanksgiving concludes today with "Hypothetical Thursday."  Today's report is going to entertain some questions you may have never considered before*, but are pretty neat and get you thinking... Both of these are long form articles, but we'll tamper with cuteness at the end once again.  (I wonder how many readers are now just like "Sweet, scroll down to the end and show me the puppies...")

First up, a really interesting user submission regarding Civil War.  (Seems appropriate in the talks following the film Lincoln and the talks of secession.)  But this hypothetical doesn't content itself with a North vs. South / Union vs. Confederacy match-up, and instead explores an all-out every state for itself dissolution of the Union.  The most interesting thing about this hypothetical is that it approaches the question not from a "Well, this would be what happens" perspective, instead presenting a faux-historical report from the future, not only by writing in the past tense, but also including quotes from primary sources.  (He does slip-up at least once, suggesting the piece was initially written as a more general hypothetical piece.)  It's quite a long read (even I admit to not having finished it yet), but it's really quite interesting and well done. Of course, as the people in the comments note, this may not be how things would go down.  Of course, I would argue a sudden state-centric political shift resulting in total 50-state dissolution probably isn't how things would go down either...

Meanwhile, on the science side, the brilliant writer of xkcd explores weekly hypotheticals in his longer writing pieces on the "What-If" page.  (The banner suggests a "What-if we fed a T-Rex to the Sarlacc with a crane," but I've yet to see that story.)  The latest issue addresses the cost of pennies, though not in the way you might think.  Some of my favorites include the Lightning edition, mostly for the comic addressing some of the stranger questions; the giant raindrop; and the mole of moles; but all of them are worth checking out.

And speaking of moles... They made this list of the Top 10 Cutest Creatures.  I challenge the inclusion of the manatee, love the happy puffer fish, and thrill at the inclusion of the wooly bear caterpillar.

Take the Deal!  It's Howie Mandel's birthday today.  (I always preferred Bobby's World.  Back when Howie had hair!)

How-To Tuesday

After Thanksgiving feasting the Report took a few days off, but after Black Friday and Cyber Monday we're back for... Ruby Tuesday?  No, here at the Report we're holding How-To Tuesday, in which we clear out a pair of items that have been backlogged in the Report item archives for some time now.

First up, a compilation piece from the New York Times released several years ago called "How to Be Funny."  Not only are these pieces written by modern legends of the comedy world, they're compiled by the brilliantly funny John Hodgman, whose humbling work was featured in the September 11 Morning Report.  My two favorite pieces here fall comfortably in the middle: Garrison Keillor's "How to Write Your First Hollywood Comedy" and Paul Rudd's (appropriately titled) "How to Be Funny When You Are Incredibly Good Looking."  I'm wondering if part of the enjoyment I get from both of those pieces comes from the fact that I read them in their writers' inimitable voices.

Also offered from the backlogs, an article written for Esquire about how to compliment.  Tom Chiarella's "The Perfect Compliment" is more anecdotal essay than guide, but the how-to comes in Chiarella's experiences.  The trial and error of his quick, observational compliments in the first section highlight some major flaws in strategy.  A quick line seems spooky, insincere, or a thinly veiled insult.  As he notes, " A true compliment is a complex expression of unrequired appreciation — how could three words do the job?"  But don't force it:  "Finding the perfect compliment isn't a riddle at all. It's not as though there's one for every person at every time. It's a matter of finding the right moment rather than insisting on one."  Still, the art of the compliment is better observed through Chiarella's stories than boiled down to talking points.  Report Challenge: Compliment a stranger today and let me know how it goes!

Finally, because it's been a while since we've had some animals in the Report, here are some dogs going down slides.

It's not Thanksgiving, but we can still celebrate a Thanksgiving Anniversary!  On November 27 in 1924, the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was held!

Thanks for Reading

Not a whole slew of links and commentary today, much as I want to share and reflect on a bunch of side dish recipes (brussels sprouts have never looked so good), the first Thanksgiving (Venison, drunk kids, dancing? Sounds standard to me...), and the history of turkey pardoning (Rest In Peace, Peace).  Instead, just an appropriately timed message of thanks.
 
When the Report started over seven months ago, it was a different animal.  It had three readers, the links were just copied and pasted into the text, there was no banner at all, let alone the celebratory holiday pie in the sky we've got today.  On the 29th Report, I thought there were 30, and a banner and blog were born to celebrate.  A week later the first custom banner came.  And this whole time, the distribution list was climbing.
 
This project has been and continues to be an absolute joy for me.  Sure, I have no way of knowing how many people open the e-mail, read it, or click the links.  I only get some idea based on responses in real life and in e-mails.  But still, just the idea of any readership at all makes it worth it.  Everyday tons of people explore the web.  But not everybody gets to share their explorations with great people like you all.
 
So, if you've read this far into this message, I'm assuming you're a regular reader, and I want to thank you.  Thank you for clicking the links.  For putting up with the puns and inane reflection.  For listening to me go on about the things that I care about.  For responding to the things that you care about and opening my eyes to new things.
 
And if you aren't reading this... Thanks for keeping the illusion alive by staying on the distribution list.

But to all of you, whether this gets read vigilantly or filtered to spam, I think there are four ladies who can put it best... Thank you for being a friend.
 
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families.  (An admittedly selfish gesture, as I am family for some of you.)

A Gourd for All Seasons

A special late night "Morning" Report today from New Hampshire today after a day of travel.  Normally, I'd let things slide and go on vacation as you've seen me do in the past.  But as I was flying home today I realized there was one crucial link for this holiday season that I'd failed to distribute, so a late night report was called for.  An advance warning, things below and across the link are going to get a bit vulgar.
 
Here on Thanksgiving Eve, we're about to enter a day of seasonal transition.  After tomorrow, Fall decor is out of style.  Gone are the autumn leaves, the mini-pumpkins, the oranges, the browns, the yellows.  Snowmen come out of storage, Santas are up on shelves, giant lawn snowglobes get inflated.  Now, tis the season.  But what many people fail to realize is that 'tis been the season all along.  Just... A different season.
 
In the month of November, with the Jack O'Lanterns and witches gone, a few pieces of Halloween are allowed to remain as a new season begins.  That's right... The link a few of you have been waiting for this whole time... Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.  I know, I'm late on this classic, but a promise is a promise, and it had to be distributed before the season passed.  Of course, Colin Nissan's sign-off is a bit out of season now, as we can no longer say "Welcome to autumn," no matter what expletive we put after it.  Still, if you like Nissan's sentiment, his immortal words are available on a mug!
 
Today's a great day to follow in your father's footsteps.  Not only was Ken Griffey, Jr. born today, but so was Christopher Tolkien.

Host(ess) With the Most

Before certain events of last week, I already knew this was going to be a week of food-centric reporting.  We are, after all, coming up upon the most food-centric holiday of the year.  (Sure we try to cover our gluttony with a few remarks about American historical legends and saying what we are thankful for, but in reality the day is built around a bird and a slew of side dishes.)  Today's post is all about food, but hopefully not a food item that ever graced your Thanksgiving table.
 
At the end of last week, Hostess Brands filed for bankruptcy, seeking permission to close its business and sell its assets.  This announcement came with the news that "Bakery operations have been suspended at all plants," suggesting that never again will another Twinkie, Ho-Ho, or Ding-Dong be made.  As one who has never eaten any of these products, I'm not alarmed by this, but the Internet is in something of an uproar.  People are supermarket sweeping these things off the shelves, stockpiling them as if the zombie apocalypse was nigh.  Twinkies, of course, would be an obvious choice for the zombie apocalypse (as noted by the characters of Zombieland) as urban legend suggests they have an infinite shelf life.  Even Wall-E cleverly followed this assertion, pairing the golden sponge cake treat with another great survivor of note, the cockroach.  While they may survive a zombie apocalypse or the pollution-based destruction of the planet, it seems there is one disaster these treats cannot survive: the current economy.
 
I'm not about to rush off to Safeway or ebay to buy some Twinkies before they join this list of foods of yesteryear.  (Oh the fond memories of wondering wondering ooh, I did, I did, what's in a Wonderball; hunting for the granny while eating delicious waffle crisp, and trying to figure out what in the world was in Orbitz.  Not to mention the lack of memories associated with the battery-acid flavored mind-eraser that was Four Loko.)  That said, as I do with most of these discontinued products, I do miss the advertising.  Hostess really had some great ads, and while I am too young to really remember Twinkie the Kid, I did love the "Where's the cream filling?" series of ads, from the bear to the shark to the rhino.
 
Alas, with the financial collapse of Hostess (confound healthier diets!), the question those animals ask now seems to mock us.  "Where's the cream filling?"  Though perhaps no longer in our pantries or our stomachs, the cream filling lives on in our memories and our hearts.  No seriously, though, a little bit of that cream filling is probably resting in the arteries of anyone who ever consumed one of those things, so it's definitely in our hearts.

Make sure you have room in your schedule for some walking and talking today, it's Allison Janey's birthday.  (If walking and talking isn't your thing, go fly a kite.)

At Midnight All the Agents

Today, as many readers are likely aware, is the release date of one of this year's major action movies, the new James Bond film Skyfall.  This means that at midnight last night (because seriously, what movie doesn't get a midnight release anymore?) die hard Bond fans, Daniel Craig lovers, Dame (or Day-um) Judi Dench supporters, and Adele someones-like-you took to the theaters to see Bond take on a creepy blonde Javier Bardem (first Bond, then Bardem?), as well as, according to the trailer, a scorpion.  I was not among those in the theater, as I was getting ready for bed, but if early reviews and blogosphere buzz are to be believed, when I do get to see this movie, it will be quite impressive.  And as the tiny Daniel Craig in the gun-barrel "O" above indicates, we're taking on Bond in today's report.  As in talking about him.  Not fighting him.  He'd destroy us.

So with everyone saying Skyfall is so good, it's got to have a few key ingredients.  Beyond the basics of a good (if not incredibly far-fetched) story and a strong leading man to be Bond, a good James Bond film needs...

An Action-Packed Opening
Before the opening titles even roll, the film's got to establish itself as a bad-ass piece of Bond awesomeness.  The best way to do this is an action scene that grabs you right away.  The Daily Beast put together their favorite openings, and I think they capture things pretty well.  Goldeneye certainly takes the cake, and I always associate the secret duck with Goldfinger.  Not on the list, but one I have a secret love for, is The World Is Not Enough, just because I loved doing an impression of Sir Robert King saying "Take this pin. It was the detonator."  Overall favorite, though, has to be the gritty opening to Casino Royale that brought a fresh edge to the character, cutting back on late-Brosnan era corniness, and replacing it with a dark, character driven piece of work.  (And for those who want more traditional action, just wait til the Parkour scene after the song plays through.)

A Good Song
With the opening action wrapped, it's time for a song.  The James Bond opening songs (click musical note to play song) are always a product of the decade of the film.  Given that famous musicians are always brought on to provide them, this decade-relation should come as no surprise.  Consider 1965's Thunderball song "Thunderball" by Tom Jones, the obviously 80s "A View to a Kill" and "The Living Daylights" by Duran Duran and A-Ha respectively.  You'll also notice a trend of song being named after film, which has been carried through almost all of the Bond films after Dr. No.  There are some notable exceptions.  I can't believe they couldn't find someone to sing a song called "Octopussy."  Though I'm not surprised that nobody could work "Quantum of Solace" into a catchy little lyric, considering the incredibly effective way that it was worked into the film.  Oh wait...

A Cool Title 
Speaking of titles, they are almost invariably super cool.  (Note the Quantum of Solace exception given above.)  A View to a Kill, Live and Let Die... even Die Another Day, awful as the film was, is a pretty kick-ass title.  And just imagine the titles that could have come if the films had started production prior to 1962.  If you can't imagine any, Andrew Howley took care of some for you.  Two Lefts and a Reich would be incredible, and imagine the gadgets the Newton-esque Q counterpart would provide in Objects in Motion.  Then again, there are the forgotten Bond films of the Bush era.  (Actually, some of these might have been better than Die Another Day... )

A Hot Bond Girl 
Next ingredient to heat things up a bit: The playfully named Bond Girl.  Where, but in a James Bond film, could Denise Richards pass for a nuclear physicist?  And where, but in that same Bond film, would that physicists name be "Christmas Jones"?  And where, but in that same film, would Pierce Brosnan get to say "I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey" and not be talking about December 25?  There's a whole vast history of beautiful women who have seduced, tricked, trapped, been trapped with, and, in the latest Bond story arc, even broken the heart of James Bond.  There are also some great Bond girls who never were, and hopefully never will be.

A Super Creepy, Crazy Villain
 Finally, let's wrap it all up with a villain who just wants to watch the world burn.  No, wait, that's the Joker.  But seriously, Bond villains aren't far from the supervillains of the comic book world, especially in terms of their plots for world domination or turning a quick (billion) buck(s).  Whether they cry blood, carry golden guns, throw deadly bowler hats, or love gold, these villains all have one thing in common:  They expect Bond to die.  Of course, they'll toy with him a bit first.  Or torture him mercilessly in one of the most painful sequences I've ever seen on film.  (Looking at you, Casino.)  The point is, it can't be simple.  It's all a game.  A most complicated game.


All told these ingredients combined (shaken, not stirred) work together to create a gem of a Bond movie.  And it sounds like Skyfall makes the grade.  Catch it in theaters this weekend.  (I get money from MGM now, right? That's how that works?)

For those who have Monday off, enjoy the long weekend.  I'll be back on Tuesday with what I anticipate will be some smaller scale reporting than this week's.

Til next week,

Mousseau. Evan Mousseau
(Please, like you didn't know I would sign off like that.)

Vote Your Heart Out

 
Good Morning and Happy Election Day!

For the past 19 months we've been dealing with this election.  Speeches, debates, ads, primary votes, more ads, more debates, more ads, more speeches, more ads, ads, ADS, ADS, ADS!  But now, today, it ends.  And how it will end is really anyone's guess, as every newspaper, blog, and television news source say.  But the important thing is it ends.  Tomorrow, politicking stops (for a little while), the signs will come down, offices and Facebook and Twitter will become a bit more bearable, Daily Show and Colbert Report viewership will drop ever so slightly, and the advertisers will Super Pack their bags and leave.  But I say, why wait?  Today's Report is going to celebrate the awesomeness of my top ten elections/campaigns to ever hit popular culture.

10.  Pedro Runs for Class President in Napoleon Dynamite.  I bought this movie for my sister for Christmas the year it came out under the stipulation that she could never force me to watch it.  To this day, I have not watched it, though I have seen many-a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.  That said, Wikipedia informs me that Pedro wins the election, apparently buoyed to success by this dance.

9.  The Blue M&M.  In 1995, candy company Mars, Incorporated ran a promotion in which M&M lovers (read: everyone) could vote to pick the M&M that would replace tan in the new bag.  (Did you even remember that there was a tan M&M? I didn't!)  The candidates were blue, pink, and purple.  Blue would win, and it was during the Blue M&M Campaign that Mars introduced the talking M&M personalities.

8.  Snoopy in the Song "Snoopy for President." Though it was Linus who ran in for school president in the comics, it was Snoopy who ran for President of the United States in a song by the Royal Guardsmen.  This wasn't the first song the Guardsmen had sung about the iconic beagle; we'll see another as Christmas approaches.  This one does feature a cameos from the Great Pumpkin and Snoopy's classic rival the Red Baron who somehow manages to vote in a U.S. election.  I sense voter fraud...

7.  Claire Dunphy Runs for City Council on Modern Family.  When Claire Dunphy gets fed-up with an absolutely awful city council member played perfectly by David Cross, she decides to run against him in the election.  The humor for this election comes first from Claire's preparations for the debate with her overly critical family.  The real gem of the campaign, though, comes when a town hall meeting falls apart, gets autotuned, and goes viral.  What's the plan, Phil? 

6.  Mike Morris' Primary Campaign in The Ides of March.  2011was Hollywood's year of the Gosling, as he starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; and the political thriller, The Ides of March.  Ides was adapted from the Beau Willimon's stageplay Farragut West and features Gosling as an idealistic young campaign staffer for Democratic candidate hopeful Mike Morris, played by George Clooney, who also directed the film.  The film's got an all-star supporting cast that includes a ten second sequence toward the opening where you see both Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Paul Giamatti and get to go "They're in this?!"  And that's not even mentioning Marisa Tomei; girl-named-Evan, Evan Rachel Wood; and oft-recognized, not named often enough Jeffrey Wright.  A superb, albeit bleak portrait of gamesmanship versus ideals in American politics.

5.  Avenue Q's Rod Votes for Rotary Club President.  Every musical that gets nominated for Best Musical at Broadways Tony's gets to perform for the... I don't know... dozens? of viewers nationwide watching at home on TV.  Most of them choose to perform a number from the show, but the puppet-parody of Sesame Street, Avenue Q stood out in the 2004 Tony awards when it performed an original scene called "Rod's Dilemma," in which the show's Bert parallel Rod votes for the officer of his rotary club.  The dilemma segues into a brilliant musical number called "Vote Your Heart."  The subliminal messaging of the song seemed to pay off, too, since Avenue Q took home the trophy that year!

4.  The Election in Election.  Simply put, this is an amazing movie.  Reese Witherspoon stars as student Tracy Flick in her run for student body president.  While Flick is initially running unopposed, civics teacher Jim McAllister, played by Matthew Broderick, brings popular football player (is there any other type of cinematic high school football player?) Paul Metzler into the race, and Metzler's lesbian sister Tammy soon follows.  High school politics, extramarital affairs, cupcakes, swollen eyes, and civic duty all come together in this near perfect dark comedy, anchored by the best performance of Reese Witherspoon's career.

3.  George Michael Bluth, Steve Holt, and Rov Nadir Run for Student Body President in Arrested Development.  Arrested Development's student body president election episode, "Immaculate Election," holds up strong in the show's record of strong episodes.  It features fan-favorite minor characters Ann Veal (her?) and Steve Holt, along with appearances from Mrs. Featherbottom and George Michael's Star Wars kid freakout.  The campaign videos are great, though the color commentary provided by GOB in the episode itself is even better.  George Michael's video is a stark contrast to his original campaign slogan, Voting In Righteous George Michael Is Noble.  Good thing they sacrificed the whole V.I.R.G.I.N. thing.

2.  Turd Sandwich Vs Giant Douche on South Park.  When PETA protests South Park Elementary's cow mascot, the school lets the students nominate a new mascot and two candidates come out on top to take each other on.  The Turd Sandwich battles the Giant Douche for school mascot, leaving Stan disenfranchised by the political process.  In brilliantly vulgar satire (the episode was released just before the 2004 election), Stan is kicked out of town when he decides that given the choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, he'd rather not vote at all.  Of course the real question is which one is funnier?

1.  Leslie Knope Runs for City Council on Parks and Rec.  The major plot arc of the show's excellent fourth season features Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope running for the city council of Pawnee, Indiana.  The campaign is full of bumps along the road, including a scene in which the show's main cast, including a three-legged dog named Champion, slide across an ice rink to the tune of Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet"... or at least the first fifteen seconds of the song.  Oh, and did I mention Paul Rudd plays her lovable idiot of an opponent, Bobby Newport.

There, that should be enough to take your mind off the election at hand, or at the very least distract you as you watch the votes and guesses trickle in as the day goes by.

Remember to vote your heart!

Remember, Remember

I hope you all had enjoyable and restful weekends full of friends, family, and perhaps even a little treating yo self.  Though none of you owned up to it, some of you may even have been kicking off beards and novels!  One reader submitted some particularly impressive beards to strive for.  Interestingly, this list of 10 epic beards also brings to light the important connection between hat and facial hair.  The proper pairing is crucial, it would appear.

And speaking of hat-hair combinations, let us discuss the famous combination of the day.  The black hat, creepy mask that is the face of today, November 5, or Guy Fawkes Day.  Guy Fawkes Day (or Night) has been celebrated in Britain for years, as a celebration of the arrest of Guy Fawkes on November 5, 1605, as he guarded explosives intended to destroy the House of Lords.  Now the holiday is commemorated with fireworks and bonfires, often including the burning of an effigy (usually of Guy Fawkes, though some towns make controversial picks...)  The holiday is also celebrated by comic book nerds, action movie fans, and Natalie Portman lovers worldwide, as they use it as an excuse to watch the Fawkes-themed V for Vendetta.  (Not to be confused with the equally harrowing C for Cookie.)

But when we "Remember remember the 5th of November" for Guy Fawkes alone, what are we "Forgetting, forgetting?"  I've picked two things that we should remember not to forget in all of our remembering.

Remember 1:  Bryan and Ryan Adams' Birthday.  Okay, so this is technically two things.  But seriously, how weird is it that two similarly named but unrelated musicians have the SAME birthday?!  Now, to be perfectly honest, I don't know too much about Ryan Adams, though a quick YouTube search led me to this beautiful song.  He's also got a damn good cover of Wonderwall that totally changes the song.  Seriously, I am probably saying stuff that everybody who knows about music already knows.  I'm just discovering this stuff for the first time.  I'm much more well-versed in the music of Canada's second-greatest export, Bryan Adams.  (Sorry, Celine, Martin Short is first greatest.)  The Bryan Adams compilation album "So Far So Good," with that iconic muddy tire cover was a regular rider on the three-disc carousel of my family's stereo, and I was the one who kept granting it admission.  And my knowledge of "Summer of '69" once earned me bonus points on a high school English exam, as I finished the sentence "I got my first real six-string, bought it at the  five and dime."  I could sing-along to pretty much the whole album, from the best thing about Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*, "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,"  to "Can't Stop This Thing We Started."  So, at the very least, if you don't want to Remember, Remember Bryan and Ryan today, Imagine Imagine me at age seven dancing around my living room singing this. 

Remember 2:  Of much greater historical significance than Messrs. Ryan and Ryan, 150 years ago today, on November 5, 1872, Susan B. Anthony cast her vote in the 1872 presidential election.  Though she backed the winning candidate, Ulysses S Grant, when she "positively voted the Republican ticket," she ended up with a $100 fine for her action.  She never paid this fine, but her arrest, her sham of a trial under justice Ward Hunt, and her fine, all served to further the women's suffrage movement, as Anthony addressed the question, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?"  

Even more than Guy Fawkes day; even more than Bryan and Ryan Adams; and even more than adorable, pajama-clad, seven-year-old Evan looking back now at a summer that seemed to last forever, Readers, remember, remember the vote of Susan B Anthony today.  Specifically, remember it in preparation to commemorate it tomorrow.  When asked the question that Susan B. Anthony posed following her vote 150 years ago, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?," I encourage the readership of the Morning Report to answer not with words, but with actions, by voting in tomorrow's election.

*How about that for a negatively positive review of a song?

***   FOLLOW-UP  ***

Following on the Guy Fawkes description, one reader asked: "Were the explosively [sic] to be placed just beneath the chamber of the House of Lords? Would the explosion not have destroyed the Palace of Westminster in its entirety, and therefore the Commons as well?"

I did a bit of history digging and found out more:

I did some digging and found this map of Westminster from the mid 18th century. A bit later than we are discussing, but let us assume the layout was the same. 

H of L indicates the House of Lords, while H of Commons indicates the House of Commons. 

While V was able to take down the whole building, the explosives available to Mr Fawkes and the rest of the Gunpowder Plotters were far more rudimentary than those of the dystopic future. 

Fawkes was found guarding 36 barrels of gunpowder. Enough to obliterate the House of Lords and kill the not-Catholic King James I, but not enough to reduce the Palace to rubble. The goal was ultimately to eliminate James and replace him with his Catholic daughter. James' supporters would no doubt also be taken out in this assassination attempt, but the symbolic destruction of the establishment ended there, not with the total destruction of the building/government as it did for the masked and revenge-driven anarchist of Alan Moore's creation.

Thanks Be to St. Isidore of Seville

Look at that, with Halloween past and the Great Pumpkin returned to... wherever it is he goes (I like to picture a Holiday Inn with the Easter Bunny, Santa, and friends) the banner is back to normal.  Following all sorts of positive feedback about the banner editing fun, you can expect some special edition banners in the future.  Perhaps as early as next Tuesday...
Hope you all had a happy Halloween with more treats than tricks and whatnot.  I practiced what I spent a week preaching, giving out full size candy bars, watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and closing off the night by reading The Fifty Year Sword.  But now the holiday is over and where are we now?  November!  Why, only just next month it will be December!  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
 
November 1, as you might remember from the history of Halloween links, is All Saints' Day.  Of course we're celebrating ALL Saints, but I want to give a particular report shout-out to St. Isidore of Seville, patron saint of the Internet.  I'm assuming he was named thus for his effort in his lifetime to compile a summa of all universal knowledge.  Though perhaps he was secretly known for a vast collection of cat icons... What a strange concept, though, to be named patron saint of something he never got to use.  He's not the only strange saint out there, though... It' s a pity praying to Saint Polycarp of Smyrna wasn't an option on The Oregon Trail.
 
November also kicks off two big month-long events.  First, there's "No-Shave-November," which has (I believe recently) also become known as "Movember,"  though the latter is more specific to hair-growth above the upper lip.  Movember is actually a really awesome event raising money for prostate and testicular cancer initiatives through pledges.  I would certainly encourage anyone who doesn't need to maintain a sense of professionalism in their workplace to consider participating.  What've you got to lose?  And besides, it could set you off on the path to being a CHAMPION!  At the very least, let me know and I will tell the readership that some of you are participating.  And those that aren't can still share their favorite beards...
 
The other big event is a bit less passive in nature.  November is also recognized as National Novel Writing Month, or "NaNoWriMo" for clumsy/short.  Over the course of one month, participants work to draft a copy of a 50,000 word novel by meeting daily wordcount goals.  It is a bold endeavor, and one in which I will not be participating.  I do know that one (maybe two) current readers have participated in the past, though, and perhaps some of you are considering going for it this year.  If so, here are some helpful tips.  I'm particularly keen on the negative and positive reinforcement motivators in 2011's #24 and 2012's #20.  Those who don't plan on writing a novel (most of us, I'm sure) and even those who don't particularly care for reading novels (I encourage you to try one...) can certainly get behind the tip in 2011's #25.  I would certainly love to raise a glass with Chandler, Fitzgerald, or James Gould Cozzens right now... And I'd certainly try what Tennessee Williams is having at least once.  Now that I've boarded this train of thought... Five hours til Happy Hour!
 
Chew on a Popsicle today, it's Toni Collette's birthday!

Halloweek Day 5 - All Hallow's Report

It's here!  The day we've been waiting for all Halloweek!  The day we get to see what the Great Pumpkin brought the Report.  Gifts?!  Candy?!  Are we the most faithful pumpkin patch, or -- AUGH!  Wait!  That's not the Great Pumpkin!  We've been tricked!  We waited all week and all we got was a stupid beagle!  Drats!  Well, there's always next year...

For now, I'll try to make it up to you with a ton of Halloween links! Let's celebrate the day with some scary stories, music, and movies...

Stories 
While I hope by now all readers affected by Hurricane Sandy have had their power restored, those living by candlelight have the perfect atmosphere for reading a few scary stories.  You could choose to go the classic route, with a story by Poe.  I would recommend "The Tell-Tale Heart" or, my all-time favorite, "The Cask of Amontillado."  You could plunge into some 90s elementary school nostalgia and check out a copy of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, though just the illustrations are enough to give you nightmares for all of November.  For more modern, longer reads, I recommend checking out Mark Z. Danielewski's newest book, The Fifty Year Sword or, longer yet, the haunting and incredible House of Leaves.  Or for a free read, check out these free and classic downloads compiled by GalleyCat for Neil Gaiman's brilliant "All Hallow's Read."  But really, you can't go wrong with just making up some spooky stories of your own.  Just remember to start them off with "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society..."

Music
 Sure, radio stations and department stores are already playing Christmas music.  But that doesn't mean we can't celebrate the Pumpkin Carols and haunting tunes of this holiday first.  Problem is... There aren't too many.  Sure we can do the Mash and Thriller.  And a few movie tunes work to remind us Who We Gonna Call, since This Is Halloween.  These lack something of the classic holiday feel that Christmas Carols have, even when sung by Bing Crosby.  (Who knew he had a Halloween song?!)  My favorite, though?  The modern 30 Rock classic, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!
 
Movies 
What this holiday lacks in music it makes up for in movies.  You can get away with any horror movie and justify it, but I think there should be a bit more specificity.  It doesn't exactly make sense to justify watching a Friday the 13th film because it's Wednesday the 31st...  Any of the many Universal Monster movies are solid choices, and even offer some non-scary options for the 'fraidy cats out there.  If the monster connection isn't substantial enough for you, though, you can get Halloween-specific.  We've already called out Nightmare Before Christmas above, but what about other Disney classics like Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus.  For those looking for something a little more mature, I recommend Trick 'r Treat.  It's an excellent blend of horror and comedy (Trick AND Treat!) that has all the making of a tragically overlooked modern classic.

And that's a wrap for the Report's coverage of Halloweek.  Too bad we got tricked by that stupid beagle.  But keep the faith and maybe next year we'll prove worthy of a visit from the Great Pumpkin himself!

Tomorrow we'll return to classic reporting...  I've got a whole lot of great non-Halloween materials that we've missed over the past week.

Til then, Happy Haunting!

Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report

Occasionally, my frequent suggestions that people respond to the report are answered.  Usually, these answers are consolidated into a quick paragraph at the start of the next day's report.  However, one response today was so heartfelt and of such a length that it deserves to be presented in full.  I asked the reader in question, who agreed to have this piece submitted to the readership.  It says so much about what I feel about Peanuts, the Great Pumpkin, and the wonders of tradition that create shared experiences and bridge age-gaps of all sizes... I could not cut or consolidate this reflection, nor could I keep it to myself:

I am a firm believer in traditions. They connect us, they root us to something deeper than ourselves, and they tie us together. They tell us that something is more important than the daily frenzy, because we are willing and obligated to put that frenzy aside to partake in tradition.

For me, The Great Pumpkin always makes me think of some long-ago Halloween. I must have been quite young, in kindergarten or first grade perhaps. After school, my brother and I would go to our grandmother's house, and Mom would pick us up in the evening. And I remember this one night, my brother was anxious to get home because It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown would be on TV. "We have to watch The Great Pumpkin! It's a tradition!"

Well, if I was about five or six, Eric had to be twelve or thirteen.  When you're thirteen, nothing is cool. When you're thirteen, there is nothing you want to do with your little sister. Finding an activity for a thirteen-year-old that is both cool and something you want to do with your little sister is like finding a unicorn, Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, or a piece of candy in Charlie Brown's trick-or-treat bag.

But The Great Pumpkin was a tradition. My way-too-cool older brother--- too cool to even dress up for Halloween-- wanted to watch it with the whole family..Because it's something you do. Once a year. Every year.

That's what traditions do. They celebrate something old that's important to remember, while creating new meaning with each iteration. They also aren't necessarily literal. For me, The Great Pumpkin isn't about staring at a metal box watching rocks being tossed at a sad little boy. It's sitting on the living room floor with my brother, prematurely opening a bag of Halloween candy meant for trick-or-treaters without Eric throwing a single wrapper at me or eating all of the milk chocolate Hershey bars.

I guess that means I'm a firm believer in the Great Pumpkin as well.

 If you ever get lonely, Linus, I'll wait out there all night with you in the pumpkin patch.

Linus tells us that "Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere."  There is not a doubt in my mind that, lest the hurricane keep him at bay, the Great Pumpkin will be rising in this reader's pumpkin patch this year.

Halloweek Day 4 - Candy

No doubt this is the latest "Morning" Report transmission yet, but I promised you candy for Hallow's Eve Eve, and a promise is a promise.  But before we begin with the tooth-rot, I wanted to drop a quick thank you to all who responded to the reader-submission distributed yesterday.  I will be sending the submitter anonymous versions of this feedback, in a few cases connecting people who have never met and have no real connections save for this report.  How neat!

There are so many ways to address the topic of Halloween Candy.  There's the decision of what candy to purchase, the matter of distribution and trick or treater selection, the all-important post-treating trade, and the consumption itself.  Let's address them all in order.

Buyer Beware 
Let's start by getting something very important out of the way:  No apples.  And while we're at it, no raisins, either.  Unless you're Chris Traeger.  We're talking candy here, the bigger the better.  Seriously, if you're an adult with some space in your budget, go King Size.  Become Legend.  But if you're still not sure what to get, go for one of these top treats but avoid these ones.  And while Reese's holds the top spot, remember that peanut allergies are on the rise.  As a kid who trick-or-treated for years with a friend who had a major peanut allergy, I strongly encourage setting aside some peanut-free candies for any peanut-free kids who come to your door.  The worst thing that happens? You have left over candy.

Take One, Huh? 
So you bought your candy, but you're not gonna be there to hand it out.  (Just because you're dressed as the dead doesn't mean you are dead!  You have a social life.)  Obvious solution:  The classic "Please Take One" sign.  Just know that this method doesn't always work.  And when it doesn't, things could get out of hand...

Tricky Treats 
With the candy in the bowl by the door, let's switch perspectives to that of the costumed scavengers roaming the neighborhood.  No doubt you disguised nomads know what you're after.  (And, again, it's not apples.)  The Report has already addressed the risk of getting rocks.  But heed this sonnet well:  There could be worse things lurking in the plastic pumpkin heads, waiting to be dumped out onto the living room floor for the next portion of the evening.

Sack and Pumpkinhead 500: Trading Floor
 Perhaps the most important part of the Halloween celebration is the great trade.  No doubt some of your investments were made in haste, or the house next door was out of your candy of choice, or you've just got way too many Kit-Kats.  (Gimme a break, indeed!)  Don't worry, after the selections are made and the Sacks and Pumpkinheads are emptied, you've got the trading floor to solve this problem.  A classic case of take two Now and Later trade for better.  (Unless you actually got a Now and Later.  Good luck trading that away.)  If you think the stock trade parallel is too generous for the candy barter system, it's clear you haven't been on the trading floor in a long time.  It's serious business.  This informational video has a bit more fun with it, though does offer some good tips.  Oh, and if you got an apple... Seriously, just throw it out.  (And skip that house next year.)

TrEAT 
Not much advice to give here.  Go to town.  Seriously, pig out.  You've only got so many days to eat all this before people start saying, "Still eating Halloween candy," with arched eyebrows.  Better to get it all (into and) out of your system at once.  Just remember... There are a few wrong ways to eat a Reese's.

That's all I've got.  If you take only one thing out of this Report, please let it be this: NO APPLES.

Tomorrow we'll celebrate the day with some spooky tales and, more importantly, we'll see if the Great Pumpkin has brought us anything good as the final Halloweek Report banner is unveiled!

Til then, Happy Hallow's Eve Eve!

Halloweek Day 3 - Religion, Politics, and the Great Pumpkin

After a weekend away, it seems the rising pumpkin is is a great deal further along in his approach, undeterred by Hurricane Sandy.  Speaking of Sandy, I hope all my northeast readers are safe and dry.  (Humorously, I attended a screening of National Theatre Live's "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Night-Time," a brilliant stage adaptation of Mark Haddon's novel, which included an enthusiastic moment of naming a dog "Sandy.")

Originally, on the schedule of Halloweek reporting, today had called for a general discussion of pumpkins.  Record-holders, chunkin, impressive jack o'lanterns, that sort of thing.  However, last week my dad alerted me to an interesting news item that I find requires some reshuffling of reports.  It also requires that I fail to heed the  advice of a great hero of mine.  That's right.  Against Linus van Pelt's advice that one avoid discussions of "religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin," it's time to talk Pumpkin.
 
For those of you unfamiliar with the Great Pumpkin, he is a holiday figure created by Charles M. Schulz in the comic strip Peanuts.  Every year, according to Linus, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that it deems the most sincere to bring presents to those who are there.  The character, though never seen in the comics, was introduced in 1959, but gained wider fame when Schulz and Bill Melendez followed-up the success of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" with the now-Halloween-classic, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."
 
Having long been a Peanuts fan, and Linus being my favorite character, it should come as no surprise that I am a huge fan of the special, I watch it every year.  However, not everyone likes it.  Some people, I learned last week, are fundamentally opposed to it.  My dad sent me a link last week to local news coverage of a man who believes this special, now nearly fifty years old, should be retired from the air.  His argument centers on the idea that the name-calling and blatant, unpunished bullying in the film is too much for today's young viewers.
 
Perhaps it is because I am not raising young viewers of my own, as that blogger is, but I believe his critique fails to appreciate certain nuances of the special and Peanuts in general.  Yes, Charlie Brown is called a "blockhead," and other names.  His round head is used as a template for designing a pumpkin carving.  Each anonymous adult famously gives him a rock as he trick or treats in his multi-holed ghost costume.  And the blogger is correct, none of these instances is ever "punished."  No one ends up in time-out, no one gets in trouble, nothing.  But the avoidance of explicit punishment is not the same as condoning this behavior!
 
The blogger calls Charlie Brown "the hero," but this paints him with too broad a brush.  Charlie Brown is the protagonist and, in all his insecurities, doubts, and shortcomings, the character that we, as people who often face the same things, are meant to identify with.  This means that when Charlie Brown gets a rock, or gets drawn on, or gets called blockhead, we chuckle, but we also empathize.  The knowledge that the bullying we see is wrong comes from putting ourselves in Charlie Brown's shoes; seeing the world from under his multi-holed ghost costume.  And maybe that's something that younger viewers aren't able to do, but that's why this nearly fifty year old program is celebrated as a family tradition.  Parents should watch it with their children, and, if they feel further discussion is necessary, talk to them about what's going on.  Though we may have similar anxieties, we don't live in Charlie Brown's world, so parents don't need to worry; kids will hear more than just "Waaah Waaah Waaah" when they talk.
 
I could go on to discuss the merits of the Job-like suffering of Linus that comes from his faith and devotion to the Great Pumpkin, or note that Snoopy escapes his imagined World War I experience unscathed, a great feature of the adventures of the imagination.  But that one sentence nod is all I'll give as a note to the multiple levels of appreciation this special brings.  It is a true family special, one that can be enjoyed and discussed by all ages.  And that has always been the appeal of the Peanuts world.  In a universe populated entirely by children, the issues faced, conclusions reached, and jokes made are often applicable to adults, too.
 
I'd be curious to hear what readers think of this.  Am I simply defending something I love and turning a blind eye to its problems?  Do you agree with me, or do you think that it's time for the Peanuts gang to retire?  Do you believe in the Great Pumpkin?  Will you be watching the special on Halloween at 8:00 on ABC?

Tomorrow, on All Hallow's Eve Eve, assuming I don't lose power, we'll discuss what nearly every elementary schooler in the nation would agree is the best part of the holiday: Taking candy from strangers.

Halloweek Day 2 - Costumeization

It looks like the Great Pumpkin is on his way!  He appears to be peeking up out of the patch today.  Could the Morning Report be the most faithful Pumpkin Patch???
Maybe he's looking to get a glimpse of all those adorable costumed animals that certainly provoked a lot of reader response yesterday.  The moose-dog and the geese were crowd favorites,  while one reader questioned the time it took to develop the revised banner.  Perhaps the Great Pumpkin will tell us if he rises...  Finally, yet another reader provided some pictures of a dog that sets the bar in the costumed canine world.  Trotter the French Bulldog brings a certain flair for sophistication to the outfits he is put in by food photographer Sonya Yu.  The samples on Colossal are great, but Yu's Instagram page has even more Trotter outfits scattered among her food photos.

So now you have ideas on how to dress your pets.  BUT: What if you don't have pets?  What then?  Today's Report is all about ideas for how to settle on the perfect costume for your Halloween.  To do this, we're going to break things down into four basic categories: Scary, Sexy, Pop-Culture, and Lazy.  Sure, there are others.  (The glut of over-priced mask and suit/dress costumes to turn four-year-olds into little superheroes and Disney princesses come to mind.)  But really, as far as the DIY costume is concerned, those are the basics.

SCARY:  I'm gonna go ahead and say avoid this.  Seriously.  I hate being scared by people.  I choose not to go on haunted hay rides and into haunted houses/prisons/woods for this reason.  Just this past weekend one of our readers and I were were up in New Hampshire and heard a woman discussing a haunted house where you could sign a waiver and the people inside you could "touch you and do whatever they wanted and stuff."  She said this with excitement in her voice.  This sounds AWFUL.  And I know that this won't happen by default of people in public dressing up as scary, but seriously, there are kids out there on Halloween.  Nobody wants to have to cross the street with a crying baby to stay away from the scary bleeding clown man.  Of course, there are some costumes that are not inherently scary, but make for terrifying things once they've aged a bit.

SEXY:  So if you're not gonna be scary, perhaps your Mean Girls mind leaped to the only other alternative offered in the film.  Toss on a pair of ears, some lingerie, and now you're a sexy [fill in the blank].  The sexy costume route used to be mildly acceptable.  I mean this "used to" in two senses.  First, the "sexy" costumes of the 1920s and 1930s are pretty tolerable.  ("Damn, man, did you see that chick's ankle?!")  But things evolved to become literally NSFW.  Therein lies the second "used to."  The sexy [noun] worked in college.  Hell, you could even get away with it in high school.  (Though, just as the presence of kids in the world means adults shouldn't dress scary, the presence of adults in the world means that kids shouldn't dress sexy.)  But now, those of us in the working world have a choice to make: We can become workplace legends by sexing it up at the office Halloween party OR we can keep our jobs.  I'm going with the latter.

POP-CULTURE:  In my mind, the winningest costume is something rooted in popular culture.  For people who recognize you, they'll think you're really freaking awesome.  And for people who don't know who you are, well, there's your opportunity to evangelize for one of your favorite movies/TV shows/books.  Either way, you're a walking conversation starter.  Given the Report's age distribution, most of the readership will find some ideas for awesome costumes rooted in childhood here.  Don't like that, then do something more contemporary.  (Can't go wrong by grabbing a pair of cutoffs and blueing yourself.  If you don't have blue paint, diamond dust will do in a pinch.)  The creative genius of Pixar is also a great place to find inspiration.  But no matter what you do, you're not going to beat little Carl Fredricksen, here.

LAZY:  "But Evan, I don't have time to do any of that!"  Fine.  Thing is, you don't really have to.  There are plenty of great costumes waiting for you in the detritus of your closet.  That bowling shirt you won at trivia?  Thrift store cowboy hat?  Tie-dye anything?  Yeah, you've got costumes galore.  (Not sure what wearing all three of those together would make you...)  Don't believe me?  Check out this slideshow for some lazy ideas.  (Sure they're for kids, but don't even pretend like you don't have some of those things at home.)

Or, you could reach the pinnacle of laziness and find a sheet and a pair of scissors.  Are those people boo-ing your laziness, or are they joining in with your haunting holiday spirit?

Just remember to be careful with the scissors, or you might end up with a rock.

Halloweek Day 1 - History and Hounds

After yet another little vacation (up to Boston to see The Mountain Goats, then NH to see the premiere of my new play, "To the Moon"), we're back and ready for some Halloween fun.  We're a week out from that favorite holiday of hooligans and candy companies, so I thought it would be appropriate to spend a few days of reporting covering the topics near and dear to the holiday.  And what's that in the banner?  Could it be?  The Great Pumpkin, rising out of the Pumpkin Patch?!  Stay tuned as we creep closer to Halloween and see what happens!
 
Before we get into costumes and candy and spooky stories, it's important we know what exactly it is we're dealing with here.  What is Halloween?  Where did it come from?  Lucky for us, the History Channel has put together a nice, dry history of the day (the videos are a bit more fun), tracing it back to the Celtic festival of Samhain.  If your mental cogs are working like mine this morning, you'll put the pieces together and know it's no coincidence that this holiday so associated with the color orange started off in Ireland... Gingers.  No wonder it's so scary.
 
But if the history of how Samhain became All Hallow's Eve became Trick or Treat is a bit too boring for you, check out this infographic.  Where do you fit in to these stats?  I know I'm not producing any pumpkins this year.  (Though I did know pumpkins are gourds.  But more on gourds later...)  I have contributed to the 35 million pounds of candy corn sold, and I used to be in the 30% of candy organizers back when I was among the 35 million in that prime Trick or Treating age.  I plan on being one of the 120 million dressing up, though I won't be doing it on the day itself (does that still count) and I will definitely be part of the 72% giving out candy.  As for the 24 pounds of candy I'm supposed to have eaten in the past year as an average American... No comment.
 
Now, what about these 11.5% of Americans who dress their pets for Halloween?  Of all the statistics presented in that graphic, that's the one I want evidence on.  Luckily, the Internet provides.  I'm assuming dogs are the most commonly dressed animal, and certainly the most frequently seen in costume.  Some place called Tompkins Square even has a parade for costumed pups.  I love the dog lobster, and I bet that dog, along with all the others whose costumes involved being carried or carted about, enjoyed himself the most.  Hipster dog and banana dog look like they have a tough time seeing, while Woof With the Wind and Evita (in the comments) probably qualify as mild animal abuse.  Favorite, though?  The moose dog.  Obviously.  But dogs aren't the only ones having fun.  Rats, cats, hedgehogs, and even a camel get in on the action.  (Sorry to report there is a lack of costumed fish.)  The cat in number 9 suggests why cats don't get dressed up much, while dogs continue to dominate the costume competition.  Though horse dog is terrifying, the dog dressed as Fluffy is one of the best costumes I've ever seen on human or animal.
 
And speaking of human costumes... We'll cover that in tomorrow's report.

But first a costume idea from this day in history:  Just wear a barrel and say you're going as Annie Edson Taylor.  She hopped in a barrel 111 years ago today and became the first to survive the trip over Niagara Falls in one.
 
Seven days until the Great Pumpkin!

In Search of Lost Time Travel

Time travel is in vogue right now.  The subject ebbs and flows in pop-culture, but right now the Venn Diagram of popular and nerdy sits with time travel comfortably nestled in the middle.  Consider the recent and rapid rise in popularity of the BBC's Doctor Who in American TV culture.  Sure America is a few years late in joining the party with the space and time hopping time lord and his companions, but Netflix and the growing geekery have seen fit to go so far as to put Matt Smith's bowtied mug on the cover of Entertainment Weekly!
 
And on the big screen, Rian Johnson's time-travel action film Looper is scoring positive reviews and continuing Joseph Gordon-Levitt's year of success.  Now, I don't want to say too much, because I don't want to give anything away.  I went into the movie knowing only the vaguest premise, having forced myself only to see the teaser trailer, and enjoyed it much more having avoided spoilers.  Basically:  JGL works for the mob, whacking targets sent back in time from a future where time travel exists.  This already works for a compelling premise, but the real kicker comes in when JGL's future self is sent back for execution.  And the real kick-ass comes in when JGL's future self is Bruce Willis.  Seriously.  It's awesome.  But don't look it up.  Just go see it.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Yesterday.  Whenever.
 
Looper's release has prompted a flurry of sites cataloging time-travel rules, time-travel movie moments, and top time-travel stories.  But: So many of these sites contain subtle Looper spoilers, so I don't want to link to them.  (Sorry, Wall Street Journal's "Four Rules of Time-Travel," you get no love from me.)  Thankfully, a few pages exist sans-Looper, so we'll include those.  (Other movies will be spoiled.  But they're old.  After five years, no forgiveness needs to be granted for spoilers.  And beyond fifty years, things that are "spoilers" should enter common knowledge.*)  

Discovery put together a nice tidy list of Top 22 Time Travel Movies with vague descriptions and background information.  Better, albeit more spoilery, though, is TotalFilm's list of the 50 Greatest Time Travel Movie Moments.  Some of them are questionable.  (Did George Bailey really time travel?)  Some are surprising.  (Love that Muppet Christmas Carol made the cut!)  One is... Dali.  And, for all the Back to the Future references, one is mysteriously absent.  It's like the list makers said, "Roads?  Where we're going we don't need to mention the fact that where they're going they don't need roads!"  It's your list, TotalFilm!  Something has got to be done about your list!
 
That's all for today.  Be sure to thank the management... It's Boss's Day!