From the Archives: King of All the Wild Things

Good Afternoon,

Have you Googled anything today?  If you've visited Google, you'll have noticed a special animated celebration for what would have been Maurice Sendak's 85th birthday.  The animation begins with Max venturing off into Where the Wild Things Are, proceeds through the Night Kitchen, and ends in the Bumble-Ardy birthday party.

Early subscribers will recall that one of the first long-form Reports, sent over a year ago, was a celebration of the life of Maurice Sendakfollowing his death on May 8, 2012.  I have reproduced that Report below in a special "From the Archives" edition of the Report.  It's one of my favorite pieces, and whether you're reading it for the first time or revisiting it from its first distribution, I hope you enjoy.

Today's report also focuses on a legendary figure of children's literature, as we reflect on the passing of Maurice Sendak.  Though Sendak wrote and/or illustrated over 100 books during his career, readers no doubt remember him most for the classics Where the Wild Things Are and In the Night Kitchen. Anyone familiar with my wardrobe or bookshelf will know that I am a huge fan of Where the Wild Things Are, owning three t-shirts based on the book, the book itself, and two copies of Dave Eggers' novel adaptation  (One fur covered, one not).  For today's report, I felt it would be appropriate to compile some of my favorite Sendak (or tangentially related) web items.

First, a trailer for the Spike Jonze's film adaptation.  I admit it, this is what sparked my resurgence of Sendak enthusiasm.  I also admit that I have watched that trailer more than any other movie preview ever in my life.  Furthermore, I think it might be better than the film itself, though the film has some beautiful and poignant moments that don't make the two minute cut.  Still, the wondrous visuals, the Arcade Fire soundtrack, and the "Inside All of Us" tag-line led to months of giddy anticipation.  And as long as I'm admitting things, I went to that movie alone at 11:00 AM on opening day, after having stayed up all night writing an English paper.  That's how much the trailer worked on me.  (And as long as we're doing tangential stories, Max Records, who stars as Max, is also featured in the opening of Rian Johnson's phenomenal The Brothers Bloom, an opening that can really stand as it's own short film.)

Spike Jonze wasn't the first one who saw screen potential in Sendak's famous book, though.  Disney once owned the adaptation rights to the book, but never brought it to theaters.  The idea was used, though, in some very early testing of 3D computer animation.  This 1983 test animation was spearheaded by none other than John Lasseter, now Chief Creative Officer at Pixar and Disney Animation Studios, and director of Pixar's first three films.  It is no coincidence that a writer and artist that so respects the children that are viewed has his primary audience once inspired the early work of a filmmaker whose studio does the same.

Finally, some interviews.  Of course, Stephen Colbert's highly entertaining interview in two parts is worth a view.  As is this 2004 interviewwith Bill Moyers.  The real great ones, though, are on NPR.  Throughout his career, Sendak had several conversations (they can hardly be called interviews, they are so comfortable) with Terry Gross, and NPR has conveniently compiled them on one remembrance page. His reflections here are beautiful, but I advise against listening to them at work, unless you are comfortable with your coworkers seeing you cry.  (This is especially true for the most recent interview.)  If there is any quote worth pulling here, though, it is one NPR has already pulled and bolded:  "I have nothing now but praise for my life. I'm not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can't stop them. They leave me and I love them more... What I dread is the isolation... There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready."  I find comfort in knowing this.  We ate him up, we loved him so.  And as one reader of the report has observed, that may mean he's still alive.

And, having eaten him up, may we be like Maurice:  Creative, honest, perseverant, and respectful of children...

And may we also be like Max:  Unafraid to make mischief, courageous enough to sail off through night and day, and brave enough to tame our wild things...

And when we grow lonely and tire of the wild rumpus, may we always have a place to go where someone loves us best of all...

And when we get there, may we find our supper waiting for us... still hot.

Til tomorrow, reporting from the desk where the filed things are,

~Evan

"I wish you all good things. Live your life, live your life, live your life." - Maurice Sendak, in a 2011 interview with Terry Gross

Capitol Book Share

We're back now with regular reporting following the five report blast that was the Final Countdown.  Some of you responded with delight at the refresher on all your favorite Arrested Development characters, moments, and jokes.  Others did not understand the reports and did not respond.  But now, back to a more standard Report.

You may recall that several weeks ago in the Report "Reading By Flashlight," I solicited quick book recommendations from any interested contributors.  Several of you contributed your suggestions, some serious, some less so.  Regardless, with summer reading season upon us, I thought I would send out these recommendations now.  

Grendel by John Gardner - A crash course in philosophy from the perspective of one of the Western canon's most famous baddies.

The Secret Agent by Joseph Conrad - A book about politics, terrorism, and the politics of terrorism written a century ago but still, especially in light of the Boston Marathon bombing, painfully relevant.

The Old Testament - This first of an exciting and controversial trilogy is jam-packed with familial violence, familial sex, and plain-old conquering, with a little bit of legal mumbo-jumbo thrown in.

The Talmud - Really fun, if you can get past the ancient Hebrew.

His Dark Materials by Phillip Pulman - Whether or not you love or hate the glaringly apparent religious over and undertones (that only became apparent to me later in life), at a young age this trilogy taught me unforgettable lessons about imagination, fantasy, love, loss, and the power of storytelling. I've returned to it every so often ever since.

Between Shades of Grey by Ruta Sepetys - Simply and clearly drawn, with a quiet magnetism, it follows a teenage girl and her Lithuanian family as they are deported to a Siberian work camp at the outset of World War II.

The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls - It made me more furious than any other book.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery - One of the most beautiful books I've ever read. I cannot think of how to describe it and except to say READ IT.

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace - A sprawling, difficult, and dense novel about tennis, addiction, and entertainment, but ultimately worth the work, rewarding readers with humor, heartbreak, and an unbelievable sense of accomplishment.

The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides - The tragic and fascinating story of the suicides of the five Lisbon sisters, told from the reflective and collective perspective of the boys who loved them. 

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon - A perfect summer read, particularly for recent graduates, as it tells the post-graduation summer adventures of Art Bechestein.  Chabon's prose isn't as polished here as it is in his later work, but the web of character relations more than compensates.

And if any of those recommendations don't satisfy your literary interests, feel free to make use of the Summer Reading Flowchart to decide on a book.  Remember to choose carefully, though.  As these profiles in the New York Times indicate, your summer reading choice could change your life... Or at least serve as a potent source for nostalgia later on.

Read on!  And let me know what you choose!

“When I remember that dizzy summer, that dull, stupid, lovely, dire summer, it seems that in those days I ate my lunches, smelled another's skin, noticed a shade of yellow, even simply sat, with greater lust and hopefulness - and that I lusted with greater faith, hoped with greater abandon. The people I loved were celebrities, surrounded by rumor and fanfare; the places I sat with them, movie lots and monuments." - Michael Chabon's The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

Final Countdown Day 5 - Real Shoddy Narrating

The Great Experiment concludes!  This is the series finale of our 5 part Final Countdown to the Arrested Development Season 4 premale.

Whereas Day 3 of the Final Countdown focused on minor characters, our finale focuses on an actor who, while he only appears in one episode, is a vocal presence in every episode of the series.  Child star turned teen star turned successful film director and producer, Ron Howard holds the vocal reins of Arrested Development as the show's narrator. Whether he's correcting GOB or criticizing the narrator of Scandalmakers, Howard gets some of the show's best jokes. And some of these reference previous points of Howard's career.

In the Season 1 episode Public Relations, for example, Ron gets to make a crack about his time on The Andy Griffith Show. When Jessie the publicist pejoratively refers to George-Michael as Opie, Howard's narration warns that "she had best watch her mouth."  Howard, of course, started his career playing young Opie on The Andy Griffith Show. Andy Griffith earns another shout out when the Bluths try to hire him as a fake lawyer given his work on Matlock, but leaves suspecting the Bluths are making fun of him with their cabin-car. The narrator stresses "No one was making fun of Andy Griffith."

But his influence on the show extends far beyond his voice and jokes about his childhood stardom. Ron Howard plays the nepotism card. For starters, there's conservationist and tree-dweller Johnny Bark, played by Ron's own brother! But that's just a one episode part. For more significant parts, we turn to Howard's former Happy Days co-stars. Most prominently, there's Barry Zuckercorn, played by Henry Winkler, famous for the Happy Days character Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli.

Arrested's writers take advantage of the Fonz's fame plenty, too. Most obviously there is the moment he strikes his iconic "no-comb-required" pose in a bathroom mirror. Then another iconic Fonz moment gets recreated when the Bluths track down the shark that ate the flipper of the seal that ate the hand of Buster. After discussing the situation (that the seal itself was still missing), Barry jumps over the shark, referencing the most infamous scene in Happy Days history.

The final joke about the Fonz is actually delivered by a character who isn't Barry Zuckerkorn. In Season 3, the Bluths family replaces Barry with the law-blogging Bob Loblaw, played by Scott Baio. Baio originally came into stardom on... You guessed it, Happy Days, where he was brought in as the Fonz's cousin Charles "Chachi" Arcola in the show's fifth season (actually just two episodes before the Fonz jumped the shark). Chachi quickly earned positive reviews from young teenage girls, basically replacing the older Winkler as the show's young heartthrob. Loblaw references this when he tells the Bluths "Look, this is not the first time I've been brought in to replace Barry Zuckerkorn. I think I can do for you everything he did. Plus, skew younger. With juries and so forth."

In the end, Ron Howard does finally make an appearance... as Ron Howard!  The series finale features one final "On the Next Arrested Development," this time called "On the Epilogue of Arrested Development." Here, Ron Howard plays himself as a film executive hearing Maeby pitch the story of her family.  Howard's response has been talked about by fans for years:  "I don't see it as a series... Maybe a movie."

Those ten words have kept fans hoping for years that an Arrested Development film would be released.  And on May 26th the wait is over... Only unlike Ron Howard, we see it as a series.

Enjoy it!  It's Arrested Development.

"He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show's narrator was known for." - The Narrator, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 4 - The Most Lavish Party

Another entry in the Great Experiment, in which we release all of our Arrested Development reports at once, Netflix style!

Up to this point, we've refreshed our knowledge on running jokes and minor characters.  With that refresher course, you're just about ready to host your Arrested Development Season 4 Party.  The only thing left to plan is the party itself.

There's no shortage of sites right now that will give you all the party planning advice you need.  VH1 is in on the action with the most basic list.  "Booze, banners, balloons," to start things off almost sounds like a Schrutian reference to another recently concluded sitcom.  Their friendly reminder to have guests show up is also a nice way to revisit the one time in 53 episodes that you sort of feel bad for Lucille.  Boston.com has a pretty solid list that covers attire, food, and activities.  Buzzfeed even helps you out with making some of the less appealing Arrested food items a little more palatable, modifying the recipe for that Bluth family favorite, Hot Ham Water.  The Huffington Post also has great food suggestions, while Brightest Young Things riffs on the characters names instead of the show's menu.

To save you some time exploring all the different party suggestions, here's a rough outline of what to expect when I finally get around to holding mine.  (It's gonna be a re-viewing party a couple weeks after the premiere.  Mark your calendars, book your flights!)

COSTUMES

You'd better be wearing one.  I'm not asking you to blue yourself or find something that says "Dad loves leather," even the slightest costume will do.  Toss on some cut-offs and glasses and come as Tobias.  Tie some scarves together, clutch a knife in your teeth and you're a magician called GOB.  Put on your high-fastening pants and slide your hand up your sleeve, boom, you're Buster!  And finally, an excuse to whip out theSLUT t-shirt you've had tucked away in your closet all these years.  Just don't wear the elephant broach -- you don't want to invite the comparison.

DECOR

First of all, the banner is a must.  While "FAMILY LOVE MICHAEL" is nice, I'm partial to "You're killing me, Buster." Ambitious hosts can turn their stairs into a staircar and build a model home homefill warhead to put in the secret room.  Disguise your bathroom as the Aztec Tomb!  And be sure to clean the attic in case anyone goes up there to have pop-pop.

ACTIVITIES

Sure the highlight of the night will be 15 new episodes of Arrested Development, but you probably want to warm-up a bit.  Sandracing and marksmanship are good group activities, just be sure to have the proper awards.  A rousing game of "Pin the Eyebrow on Stan Sitwell" makes for good fun, too.  And if the urge to dance hits you, might I suggest the chicken dance?  Karaoke is always good family fun, too.

FOOD

Here's what's going to make or break your Arrested party.  You've got plenty to choose from, choose wisely!

• Candy Beans - Make sure you have an extra bowl, just in case something goes wrong with Sitwell's eyebrows.
• Frozen Bananas - Obviously.  But remember, 10 cents gets you nuts.  And watch out for Mr. Banana-grabber.
• Ice cream sandwiches - Go ahead, have a love affair with one!
• Hot Ham Water - Served watery, but with a smack of ham.
• Cornballs - For a danger-filled activity, invite guests to make their own cornballs.
• Fried cheese and other dippable food items... With club sauce.
• Skip's Scramble - Don't order the Skip's Scramble.
• Cereal - Serve in an ash tray.
• Mayon-egg - Step 1. Take a packet of mayonaise... It's so cute.

DRINK

Here are a few character-based beverages you can offer your guests.  Just be sure to finish all the bottles before the night ends so the booze doesn't go bad.  You're guests will leave tipsier than Lucille Austero!

• Tobias Is Queen Mary - 1 part (Cloudmir) vodka, 1 part blue curaçao, 2 parts cranberry juice, serve with sugar rim to imitate diamond cream. 
• Buster - Unlimited juice, great for the designated rivers and a guarantee that your party will be off the hook!
• The George-Michael - Skip the drinks and smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.
• The Lucille - A vodka rocks and a piece of toast.

On the Next Morning Report: We learn more about the one narrator who had the voice to keep them all together.

"Michael, you haven’t heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday." - Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 3 - Them?

The Great Experiment continues!  Like Netflix, we're distributing all of our remaining Arrested Development Reports in one go!

While it's the "family who lost everything" that keeps Arrested Development moving forward with their quarrels, neuroses, and huge mistakes, some the greatest laughs of the series come from their interactions with the show's supporting characters.  Buzzfeed has put together a great rundown of their 30 Greatest Arrested Development Guest Stars which should refresh your memory about the show's many smaller characters, from Annyong to Zuckercorn and every letter in between.

The problem I have with this list, though, is that it pits one or two episode characters like Cindy Lightballoon against characters like Lucille Austero, who appear in nearly a quarter of the series.  So, I've taken to ranking my top five supporting characters based on how long they spend on the show, from small (1-3 episodes), medium (4-9 episodes), and large (10 or more episodes) arcs.

Small:

Honorable Mentions:  Edna W., Ms. Barely, and Nazhgalia

5.  Uncle Jack - Martin Short as a paralyzed man carried by his goon Dragon has the best single episode appearance in the series.  "Swoop me!" 

4.  Tony Wonder - This magician played by Ben Stiller could produce Hanukkah cookies and subway club coupons from his body and appear from nowhere (or a dumbwaiter) just at the word "Wonder."

3.  Cindy Lightballoon - Who but this great redwood of a whore, played by Jane Lynch, could have gotten Lucille to say "It looked like you were tweaking her nipples through a chainlink fence."

2.  Gene Parmesan - Though he's far from the best, whether he was a fireman or some idiot with balloons, he always got us again.  

1.  J. Walter Weatherman - Though only appearing in two episodes, the life lessons ("That's why you always leave a note") of this one armed man influence the whole series.  It's too bad they killed him when they left the door open with the air conditioner on.

Medium:

Honorable Mentions: Marta, Stan Sitwell

5.  Tie: Bob Loblaw and Wayne Jarvis - One is an alternative to double-talk and keeps a law blog.  The other was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.  (He did not find their buffoonery amusing.)  These two attorneys give Barry Zuckerkorn a run for his money and keep the laughs coming.

4.  Wife of GOB - First you've got the biblical allusion and the double-joke that she was played by Will Arnett's then wife Amy Poehler.  Add to that her seal sales and love for pastel sweaters and Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution and you've got a woman any man would be lucky to marry in a series of escalating dares.

3.  Rita - Sure not everyone likes the For British Eyes Only arc, but what can I say, I'm crazy for the little dullard from Wee Britain.

2.  Maggie Lizer - In one arc blind (NOT!), in one arc pregnant (NOT!) Julia Louis-Dreyfus made a great prosecutor.

1.  Kitty Sanchez - Judy Greer does an Sure last time we saw her we thought it was "the last time," but I have a feeling we'll be saying goodbye to these ( . )( * ) again in Season 4.

Large:

Honorable Mentions: Annyong, John Beard (the news anchor)

5.  Lupe - For her holiday sweaters and her dustbustering, we'd give her an Onion and a ball of foil for her son any day.

4.  Steve Holt! - Sure he doesn't even know who his father is, but we love him just as much as Maeby does.  

3.  Ann Veal - Her?

2.  Lucille Austero - Her relationships with multiple Bluth boys (with club sauce) and her vertigo gave Liza Minelli plenty to play with in creating Lucille 2.

1.  Barry Zuckerkorn - He's the worst f*cking attorney, with a questionable social life, but his Fonz references and ability to recognize close-up photos of balls make him worth keeping around, even if he can't take the time to read plea bargains.

Hopefully we'll be seeing some of these characters returning in Season 4!

On the Next Morning Report: You can't have a party without ICE.

"And that's why you don't teach lessons to your son." - J. Walter Weatherman, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 2 - Hotcops and Candybeans

Heeeey, Readers,

While there was no Report yesterday, I'm going to try something out to make up for that fact.  In the spirit of Netflix releasing all 15 new episodes of Arrested Development at once on the 26th, I'm distributing all of the Final Countdown reports at the same time (or within a few minutes of each other... I'm not a machine).  Will you read them all at once or spread them out throughout the remaining days?  Or perhaps you will ignore them all!  Let the great experiment begin!

Not so much in the spirit of Arrested, though, I'm going to follow-up on what was promised "On the next Morning Report" by actually including the promised deeper analysis in this issue, something Mitch Hurwitz and the gang rarely did.  As any fan of the show can tell you, many of the jokes in Arrested are incredibly complex and referential, which is a major part of what makes repeat viewing so rewarding.  There is always something new to find.

First, there are the jokes that recur throughout the series.  The staircar and the Cornballer; Annyong, Steve Holt!, and Ann Veal (her?); Les Cousins Dangereux and Pop-Pop in the attic... The list goes on and on and stretches across the show's 53 episodes, making for some great re-viewing.  For instance, try to pick-up on how early hooks and missing hands start showing up!  Or have someone else do the work for you, like NPR has done here in an incredible guide to all of the show's recurring jokes.  While some are scattered throughout, others last only for a story arc (e.g., For British Eyes Only).  Most interesting of all, though, are the ones that appear as nearly straight lines across the entire series, specifically the staircar and Tobias being gay.  DC resident Adam Cole put the piece together for NPR and described his process and inspiration in an interview with Poynter.  He claims not to be a "superfan," but the infographic begs to differ.

Not included in Cole's graphic, though, are the subtle non-repeated jokes, most of which are nods to the world outside of the show.  Splitsider has captured not only 53 of these subtle jokes (that they claim you "Probably Missed," but I bet a lot of you have caught a lot of them -- you're smart people), but also 53 MORE of them!  I'm a huge fan of the stills they've captured of the articles, websites, and letters, which I've always been too lazy to pause and read myself.  And the "Make-up artist for freckles" credit has always been one of my favorites, as well as Tobias posing to match the photo of George-Michael.

There are tons of others that I love that didn't make the cut in those 106... Apparently the folks at Splitsider are not also Happy Days fans... But we'll get to that later.

On the Next Morning Report: Frightened Inmate #2 gets some company as other supporting characters take the lead.

"Annyong." - Annyong, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 1 - It's Arrested Development

Take a look at banner, readers!

The "T" looks like a staircar hop-on, the "I" is an idiot on a scooter (it's gotta be GOB), and the sun just blue itself.  Most of our readership will probably recognize these banner changes as signs that the Report is gearing up to countdown to the May 26 return of Arrested Development!

So apologies to the readers who haven't seen Arrested Development before, as the next few issues of the Report won't make much sense to you.  They'll be chock-full of references (Allusions! References are something a book makes for copyright purposes.) like that parenthetical.  So, while you could just ignore the Report this week, I would advise you to correct the huge mistake you've made by avoiding this show and find a way to watch it!

Over the course of this week, I'm going to use my (at least) five viewings of the series and the Internet to offer up a veritable Skip's Scramble of Arrested clips, quotes, trivia, links, and more, all leading up to the Season 4 premiere/finale (premale?) on Sunday.  Because with all 14 episodes going online at once, you're lying if you say you don't plan on watching them all in one go.

Today I'm just going to ease into things with some video compilations of classic moments from the show.  I don't want to prematurely shoot my wad!  (There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.)

First, Arrested Development's 200 Greatest Quotes according to... Whoever made this video.  No doubt they missed some of your favorites, and some of the punchlines are presented without set-ups or vice versa, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks there.  My favorite made the cut, though.  What is it?  "I don't understand the question, and I won't respond."

Those 200 Quotes are already pretty heavily dominated by two characters, but here's some clips of two fan favorites:  First, the Bluth family matriarch, Lucille.  Captured here and not in the quotes are her amazing winks.  Then, of course, there's Tobias, known for the many lines in which he puts his foot in his mouth.  (Or maybe it's those meaty leading man parts he's putting in there...)  Once again, some physical humor that should not be overlooked is included, specifically the water cooler and Mrs. Featherbottom prat falls.  

That's all for today!  

On the Next Morning Report:  Evan offers up some deeper analysis of the shows jokes and references.

"And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together... It's Arrested Development." - Ron Howard, Arrested Development

Pageantry Day 3 - The Final Countdown

We've reached the final day of pageantry, and the Hoovers have reached their destination!  Look as Steve Carell and Toni Collette bail out of that van, throwing the sliding door to the ground!  And is that a tiny little Paul Dano in the backseat?

Unfortunately, I've drained all my pop-culture pageant knowledge on the first two.  I really am fresh out of information on fake pageants... So let's turn to the real one.  Tonight the Miss NH program will be crowning its new Miss NH, in a show that revisits the events from the previous nights.  Right away, they'll announce the top twelve (of the total twenty-eight) contestants, who will then present their evening gowns, and from that alone the Top Ten will be selected.  The Top Ten will present their talents and swimsuits, and based on all tonight's events we'll have a Top Five.  And then, finally, from the Top Five, they deliver a ranking that culminates in the announcement of a new Miss NH, who will represent the state in Atlantic City at the Miss America pageant this fall!

And now you know more than you ever imagined you would need to about the Miss America pageant system!  "But Evan," you say, "Reading about it is all well and good, we want to SEE it!"

Readers, you are in luck: New England news source WMUR is livestreaming the event tonight starting at 6:00!  And, as I have for the past two nights, I'll be live-tweeting for your enjoyment.  Though the good natured tweets of the past two nights may turn a little more competitive...

So enjoy if you'd like, but even if you're not watching, send good vibes Sarah's way.  She's in the market for a new hat, and a tiara will do just fine.

"Whatever happens, you tried to do something on your own, which is more than most people ever do. I include myself in that category. You took a big chance, it took guts, and I'm proud of you." - Alan Arkin as Grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine

Pageantry Day 2 - Here Comes Bunny Boo Boo

Night one of pageantry is over, and while two nights still remain, it came with it's own exciting finale (like a season of Lost or something).  At the end of each night, they award trophies to the winners of Best Talent and Best Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit... And I came home with a trophy!  Yes, though my outfit choice was deemed unorthodox by some, I brought home the Best Swimsuit Trophy for the night!  Okay, yes, I was bringing it home for Sarah who won it last night.  Tonight, she'll be competing in talent and on-stage interview, so be sure to send good thoughts her way!

In the meantime, as the Hoovers get further across the banner (what will happen when they reach their destination tomorrow?) we dive further into the web world of pageantry.  Entertainment Weekly put together a list of their top beauty pageant movies, adding eight more to the two we covered yesterday.  I've only ever heard of To Wong Foo... and I Know What You Did Last Summer, but Happy, Texas sounds worth tossing on the Netflix queue.  It's worth noting that the movies are presented in chronological order, though I would argue that results in saving the best for last.  But Little Miss Sunshine came out in 2006.  Where have the big screen queens of the pageant world been since then?

The answer: The screen has shrunk and so have the queens.  TLC's terrifying hit series Toddlers & Tiaras premiered in January 2009 and is now in its fifth season.  While I haven't seen a single episode, the ads have been enough to tell me what it's about (parents play competitive dress-up with real live human children!) and that I never want to watch a full episode.  Curious as I am to find out if six year old Catlyn does indeed grow up to be a "princes in a big castle," I don't have the patience to stick around for the full series to find out.  Then, of course, there's the ubiquitous spin-off Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which follows one contestant and her family in the world outside of pageantry.  Again, I'm not watching, but one promo clip of Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson from the original series suggests inspiration from a scene of legendary drunk dancing prowess from a TV show I actually watch.  (Jump to the 55 second mark of the Honey Boo Boo clip to see what I mean.  Seriously. Check it out. It's uncanny.)

More adorable and less terrifying than all of those toddlers and their tiaras, though, comes from my new favorite Twitter account, @MyRabbitGotSwag.  A series of photos of a rabbit with stuff on it, this account picked up 100,000 followers like it was nothing.  Bunny Boo Boo in her (his?) tiara is the most relevant for today's events, but Pocahontas on the lookout is my favorite.

That's all for today!  We'll be back tomorrow with the results of Day 2, a preview of Day 3, and more things that are somehow tangentially related a little bit to pageants.  For now, it's time to start pushing the van again.  (Gotta remember to park that thing on a hill.)

"No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding, soldier, outstanding!" - Steve Carell as Frank in Little Miss Sunshine

Pageantry Day 1 - The Perfect Date

After a day of travel and an afternoon in my favorite neighborhood in America, I'm back and reporting live from New Hampshire.  But the travel's not done.  For the next three days, the Mousseaus will be piling into our bright yellow Volkswagen T2 Microbus and hitting the road each night to support my sister in the (Little) Miss New Hampshire Pageant!  So, as Sarah moves forward in her quest for the crown, Little Miss Sunshine's Hoover family will be moving across the banner.  And the Report will be celebrating some of the fine cultural touchstones that have come to us as a result of the wide world of pageantry.

Little Miss Sunshine is obviously the pinnacle of these products of pageantry, and possibly my favorite movie.  (E.T. and I are still grappling with this recent realization.)  Hilarious and heartwarming, with the cheesiest cover of America the Beautiful, it's certainly the best film to feature Proust scholars, Nietzsche, and ice cream.  And I think it served as one of Sarah's major inspirations as she prepared her talent portion of this year's pageant.  And I can't wait to dance with her! 

If Little Miss Sunshine takes the title, then Miss Congeniality must go to... Miss Congeniality, mostly because of the great Sir Michael Caine.  His Britishness gives him great insight into the crown.  Most of all, though, it's a perfect reminder of this pageant's perfect timing.  There is no better date for a pageant than April 25th, simply because April 25th is the perfect date.  It's not too hot, it's not too cold.  All you need is a light jacket.

Now it's time for me to take off.  Grandpa's in the trunk of our car, I've stopped speaking because of Friedrich Nietzsche, and -- Where's Olive?

Wish us luck!

"A real loser is someone who's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." - Alan Arkin as Grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine

Reading By Flashlight

Today, according to the Children's Bookstore I walk past on the way to work each day, is World Book Night.  Apparently, the worthy goal of this project is to "spread the love of reading, person to person," accomplished by distribution of World Book Night paperbacks to "light and non-readers."  What an excellent program, and the books they've selected this year are excellent, as well, and a lot of them suit the mission.  The Phantom Tollbooth is a dominant title in the formation of my own love of reading and wordplay (and Michael Chabon's!); Good Omens, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Bossypantsare perfect laugh-fests; and Looking for Alaska and The Lightning Thief are sure to bring teen and pre-teen readers into the literary fold.  The one exception I can see right off on the list: My Antonia could prove a major turn-off... Though that's my high school memory of the book speaking.

Given this booky day, I dug into the dusty link archives to share a literary link to inspire you all to read beyond the Report today.  First up, a beautiful site that archives inscriptions found in found books.  As a huge fan of inscribing books as gifts, I really enjoy this project.  I find sharing a book with someone and inscribing it with specific reason to be such a thoughtful gesture.  Of course, not all the inscriptions here are like this.  Some are notes written by the book's owner as a declaration of optimism or a careful barb in a sibling rivalry.

In light of the mission of World Book Night, I'd like to compile a list of book recommendations to share with the readership, so I'm proposing another interactive project.  Any one who wants to share a ONE SENTENCE recommendation of a book (or two or three...), send them in, and one day next week I'll include them in a Report.  It's as close as we can get to anonymously, digitally inscribing books to each other.  Plus, it's great timing as we begin to move toward Summer Reading season.

I'll kick things off with a book about books: Carlos Ruiz Zafon's Shadow of the Wind: This suspenseful Spanish novel features a mystery about books and the most frightening villain I've ever read.

Finally, there seems to be some sort of vehicle making its way into the banner.  Looks like the Report is going on a road trip this week.  Stay tuned for more...

As Marcel the Shell would say, READ ON!

--Evan

“Every book, every volume you see here, has a soul. The soul of the person who wrote it and of those who read it and lived and dreamed with it. Every time a book changes hands, every time someone runs his eyes down its pages, its spirit grows and strengthens.” -Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Turning On the Safety

Normally, I have kept it my policy to keep politics out of the Report.  The election custom banner was notably bipartisan, and even that report's content was exclusively pop culture.  However, following the positive response to my recent politically and personally motivated piece on marriage, I feel encouraged by the readership and compelled by recent events to delve into the political once more.  And this time with significantly less satirizing.

Yesterday, in what President Obama called a "a pretty shameful day for Washington," the Senate defeated several measures to expand gun control, including expanded background checks for gun buyers, a ban on assault weapons, and a ban on high-capacity gun magazines.  The votes came as a discouraging anticlimax to a months long national search for agreement, understanding, compromise, and change following the tragic shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.  In the moments following the vote my Facebook and Twitter feeds were clogged with expressions of anger, disappointment, and disgust.  This is, perhaps, more a reflection of the circles I choose to float in than of the national landscape, but if that is the case, then I am proud to float in these circles.

For me, what this comes down to is a matter of safety.  Over the past two years, I have come to know safety well, working in an office that works to keep the National Airspace System (NAS) safe.  It is the mantra of our office, the disclaimer at the end of our presentations, the sign-off to our videos: Safety Is What We Do.  How we do it gets complicated, but to sum it up in a sentence: When people want to make a change to the airspace, or when an existing process raises some safety concerns, we look at it to determine what mitigations can be applied to make the process and, in turn, the NAS more safe.  In a way, the gun control debate can be seen through the same lens, that of Safety Risk Management.  An event occurred that revealed gaps in existing safety regulations, and mitigations were proposed to address those gaps and increase safety.  Unfortunately, when it came time to apply those mitigations, the powers that be decided against it.  In doing so they bent to concerns outside the scope of the safety of those who looked to them for protection.

There are two things we consider as "out of scope" when we look at the safety effects of changes.  The first is efficiency.  Of course, we acknowledge that realistically efficiency must be considered within reason.  As one of my coworkers puts it, the NAS was the safest its ever been on September 12, 2001.  Every plane was safe, because every plane was parked.  Trading 100% safety for 0% efficiency is not an option for the flying public, nor is it an option that can reasonably be considered for gun control. 
 
On the issue of legislation concerning background checks, however, it is unreasonable to choose efficiency over safety.  Carlee Soto, sister of Vicki Soto, a teacher killed in the Newtown shootings, suggested that "It's too much paperwork. It's too time consuming" was an argument against background check legislation.  Consider viewing the time consumed by a background check in comparison to another form of time consumption.  Using U.S. mortality data from the World Health Organization, Periscopic developed a visualization of the years stolen by U.S. gun deaths in 2013.  Already in the beginning of this year alone they estimate 127,912 years have been stolen from the 2,906 Americans killed by guns.  It is only April.  127,912 years in four months.  THAT is time consuming.

The other element out of scope: financial concerns.  Again, these must be considered within reason, but in the aviation world this means that you can't propose that an impossibly expensive system be put in place to address a minor safety concern.  It does not mean that the financial contributions of special interests should take priority over the safety of the American people.  The ~$25 million spent in the last election cycle by the National Rifle Association on contributions, lobbying, and outside spending should not take precedent over safety.  Gabrielle Giffords is right: Putting political fear and cold calculations above the safety of our communities is a shameful act of cowardice, and the American public must respond.

This vote comes in a week already marred by death and tragedy.  The bombing in Boston and the explosion in West, Texas have revealed the fragility of our existence, but also the tenacity of our spirit.  In the social media fallout of the first event, a classic quote from Fred Rogers began to circulate, one which may also be applied to the tragedy in Texas:

"When I was a little boy, and something bad happened in the news, my mother would tell me to look for the helpers. 'You'll always find people helping,' she'd say.  And I've found that that's true. In fact, it's one of the best things about our wonderful world."

So what do we do when the "something bad" happening in the news is an action taken by the people put there to help us?

We find new helpers.  In fact, we have the power to do that.  It's another one of the best things about our wonderful world.

The Cadence of a Summer Day

Before we dive into today's topic and you figure out why an April Morning Report has a summer title, I wanted to thank the readership for all the positive feedback on last Thursday's Whole Milk Marriage Report.  This issue brought in record views to the blog and a huge amount of reader feedback and support, which meant a great deal to me.

But now, to this week's business.  Though the title may not have given it away, the custom banner certainly did.  Yesterday, along with being April Fools' Day and the day I finished Infinite Jest (Suck it, Otter 21!) was the opening day of the 2013 MLB season for most teams.  The day was enjoyed by baseball fans across the country, though in some cities more than others, with Boston, DC, and Chicago among the cities briefly enjoying a 1.000 Winning Percentage.

While some readers likely find baseball boring to watch, it is my favorite sport to watch, either at a park or on TV.  Physically going to a game is steeped in Americana and tradition in a way that no other sporting event can boast.  And televised baseball can work to serve almost as a soundtrack to one's day, playing out in the background as life unfolds around it.  Even though the first trip I ever went on as a wee baby was to Cooperstown, home of the Baseball Hall of Fame, I can't speak as eloquently about it as true, long-term, full-time fans of the game could, but I can pull a quote that I think captures something about why I like the game so much: “The fundamental truth: a baseball game is nothing but a great slow contraption for getting you to pay attention to the cadence of a summer day."  That, my favorite sentence from my least favorite book by my favorite author (Michael Chabon'sSummerland), captures it for me.

For other people, though, it's something else.  For photographer Don Hamerman, it's the aesthetics of the ball.  Others may be drawn to the history of the game's famous firsts.  Still others the oddball trivia of old baseball cards.  Some the poetry.  Some the comedy.  Some people even look to the game as religion, telling the story of how "In the big inning God created Heaven on Earth."

So, whether you subscribe to MLBtv to watch along at work, or you haven't seen a game in FOR-EV-ER, baseball is here.  Even those who don't watch can look forward to the summer days it heralds.

Whole Milk Married

For the past two days, much of the American political world's attention was on the U.S. Supreme Court as it heard two high profile cases on the subject of gay marriage.  On Tuesday, the Court heard arguments on California's Proposition 8, while yesterday they heard arguments on the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act.  But the action was not just in the Court.  Outside the Court, crowds gathered to make their opinions heard, many bearing clever and classic signs in support of gay marriage.  And those who lacked either the geographic proximity or the time to travel down to the Court made their opinions heard online, most notably by turning Facebook into a wall of red equals signs, or variants thereof.
 
Many words have been exchanged on the subject, in the Court, online, in newspapers, and on television, but the most memorable line of the two days came from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, when she said that defending DOMA was essentially saying that there are "two kinds of marriage, there's full marriage and then there's sort of skim milk marriage."  These words will no doubt be among the most memorable of these historic proceedings, and long-time readers know I'm not one to let talk of food and politics pass by without a more thorough analysis.
 
First, there's Justice Ginsburg's choice of marriage-related beverage.  Why milk?  Champagne is probably the beverage most traditionally associated with marriage, but there's no champagne-lite sort of equivalent.  But what about beer?  Traditional marriage could be the Miller High Life marriage, while in comes the nasty-ass Miller Lite marriage offered to same-sex married couples.  Though maybe Justice Ginsburg was avoiding alcoholic beverages to keep things family friendly.  After all, this is marriage we're talking about, and the support of the stable family was a frequent topic of conversation over the two days.  So why not a soda parallel?  "Marriage" and "Diet Marriage" seems a lot easier to say off the cuff.  And let's be honest, much more of the American public would understand a soda reference than a milk one.  Or is talking about soda a political taboo right now after Bloomberg's failed soda ban.

No, Justice Ginsburg went with milk.  Traditional marriage defenders and fans of Freud rejoice, she picked milk!  Milk, of course!  Milk, as in breast milk, as in mother's milk, as in a mother and a father.  Gotcha, Ginsburg!  You've been tangled up in your own words, because the only milk that matters in marriage is the mother's milk, further support for the argument that children need a mother and a father.  Boom.  Seems you've been breasted, Justice.  But wait!  Could there be an argument for milk that would support gay marriage?  Milk that the gay crowd could get behind, huh?  Oh!  How about Harvey Milk, gay rights activist and the first openly gay man elected to public office in America?  (Also notorious Oreo fan.)  So the word choice doesn't mean subconscious support for one side or another after all.

If you think about it quickly, though, what Justice Ginsburg is proposing doesn't sound that bad.  For straight married couples, Whole Milk Marriage.  Gay couples, you get Skim Milk Marriage.  Sure, it's not as rich and creamy as Whole Milk Marriage, but it's a marriage alternative that won't raise your cholesterol and make you fat.  Sounds good to me!  All the health-conscious homosexuals should be lapping this up, right?  But think on it a little longer.  Cooking up a pop-over?  Hope you've got Whole Milk.  A nice rich cream sauce?  Skim's not gonna cut it.  And in the recipe book I've got for my ice cream maker, guess how many recipes call for skim milk.  Zero.  That's right, a Skim Milk Marriage is a marriage without ice cream, and a marriage without ice cream... Well, that's hardly a marriage at all.  At least, it's certainly not the kind of marriage I want.

And maybe Justice Ginsburg picked her milk metaphor knowing just how well it could be carried across to other types of milk and marriages.  It is a fact universally acknowledged that a tall, cold glass of chocolate milk is delicious.  And if we expand Justice Ginsburg's metaphor, Chocolate Milk Marriages have been a legal right since 1967's Loving v. Virginia.  And civil unions?  Justice Ginsburg would simply point to products like Lactaid and Silk.  Sure, they'll tell you a Milk Substitute Civil Union tastes just like the real deal... But everyone knows that's total bullshit.  There's something about that Whole Milk Marriage, and substitutes just don't cut it.

And speaking of Lactaid, there comes the final parallel of Milk and Marriage.  Plenty of people cut milk and dairy out of their diet entirely, or they seek out Lactaid-like alternatives, because they are lactose intolerant.  They can't drink milk.  Their stomachs turn, they get bloated and upset if they consume even the slightest quantity of milk, skim or whole.  And, let's face it, there are people out there who have the same reaction to gay marriage.  Except, here's where the parallel falls apart.  Because people who are lactose intolerant just cut milk from their own diets.  They don't try to go around stopping everyone else from drinking milk.

Not being able to digest milk, so you stop drinking it yourself?  That's lactose intolerant.  Not being able to digest the idea of gay marriage, so you work to stop gay people from getting married?  That's just intolerant.

So, while I raised my glass of crumb-filled 1% for Oreo's birthday, now I raise my glass of hope-filled whole milk that when the time comes I will be able to get Whole Milked Married.

Odd Jobs and Random Tasks

Following on yesterday's report, one reader provided an interesting essay on why some book-to-movie adaptations fall short of our hopes.  (Hint: It's got something to do with the "master" part of masterpiece.)  We'll see if Baz proves up to the test by making something Great this summer...  Another reaches further back into literary canon and provides another Fleetwood Macbeth quote, this from Duncan's ghost's monologue: "I know there's nothing to say.  Someone has taken my place."

As today's Report headline suggests, we're tackling the working world today.  (Sorry for those who thought we were discussing diminutive Bond villainsand their Austin Powers parody counterparts...)  Specifically, we're taking a behind the scenes look at 15 different jobs, from dominatrix to paramedic.  The stories these men and women at work tell provide interesting glimpses at what actually goes on in worlds we may not know about.  Trust me, it's worth pushing through the shocking disturbingness of the dominatrix profile to get to the rest, though hers is probably the only place you will hear "I can be in my dungeon for up to seven hours" today.  The Undertaker's perspective proves HBO's Six Feet Under did its research, while the five year unpaid intern suggests maybe something about the intern system is broken and/or illegal.  Plus, if you don't feel like reading, you can just check out the cute little graphic representations... Though in real life I've never encountered a cab driver who looks like Travis Bickle.

Finally from our continuing Coincidences series, an extended story (to make up for a short report) about a college interview:

Georgetown was the first of my college interviews. I remember feeling incredibly nervous as I pulled up to the house of my alumni interviewer, a local judge who lived in the next town over. I was wearing a newly acquired navy suit skirt (the first time I actually had use for such an item of clothing) and uncomfortable grown- up shoes. I rang the doorbell, hesitantly. A dog started barking wildly from inside.

"Come on in", I hear, " I just need to put the dog away." As I open the front door, I see the alum interviewer struggling to gate off the kitchen in order to keep some large animal inside.

"Oh, that's fine, I don't mind. I love dogs. We have a brown-and-white Brittany Spaniel at home named Molly."

The interviewer stopped trying to wrestle with the dog. He looked a little taken by surprise. I took one step closer, peered  in the kitchen, and saw none other than a brown-and-white Brittany Spaniel.

"Her name's Molly", he said.

It's an odd world!  It's also Nathan Fillion's birthday!  If you don't know who that is, maybe you've seen him at the gym?  No, he doesn't go to the gym. He's just naturally like that.