Cats Versus Dogs

Goodness me, a few days without reporting and the ever-changing world of the Internet has undergone massive change.  Apparently someone at Nabisco was tipped off about a previous report, because the traditionally black and white Oreo came out and got colorful.  As one Facebook friend of mine noted "Even homophobes would get down with gay rights if it meant septuple Oreos."  (The Internet being what it is, it proved him wrong, but still...)  Meanwhile, in far darker news (at least from my canine-centric position), Google has developed a computer neural network that provides evidence of machine learning.  No, I'm not being paranoid about Skynet and having to go with Arnold Schwarzenegger if I want to live, I'm traumatized by the fact that this apparently learning computer used its learning to... find cats on the Internet.

I will not stand idly by and let cats continue their domination of the Internet, dear readers.  Because if Skynet turns out to be the computing equivalent of a cat lady, keyboard cat will play us off... the planet.  So today I'm joining fellow Georgetown-alum Nick Kroll in combating cat power with a dog-dominated report.  It's a move that I'm sure my favorite dog with apparently oposable thumbs would approve.  Via text message, of course.  Unless he's too busy terrorizing his owner, the postman, or humanity in general... In the most hilarious ways.  He, too, is resilient in the face of cat bullying, as a pesky neighborhood cat makes a mess of his garden.

While dogs are (hu)man's best friend, even when causing chaos, that doesn't mean we should try to make them look more human-like, though.  I've always been staunchly opposed to dogs wearing clothes.  (Look at him! He thinks he's people!)  And my coworkers know that I'm deathly afraid of dogs with people hands.  (Though cats with hands are substantially more terrifying.)  Well, add to that list of do-nots,dogs with eyebrows.  It's quite simply disarming and alarming.  It seems only the constantly adorable corgi can maintain its cute and avoid being creepy when browed.

As cats continue to battle dogs in their quest for world domination, we cannot stand idly by, though I worry there is little we can do to sway the tide of this lifelong battle one way or the other.  All we can do is watch them on youtube and scroll through cute pictures.  And, occasionally, provide voices for them in movies, like Tobey Maguire did in 2001's "Cats And Dogs."  (Self-aware Segue!)  The eternally youthful Mr. Maguire celebrates his 35th birthday today.  Put on your dancing shoes (or Spidey-suit) and celebrate.