Yesterday, a great subject of newsroom speculation came to an end. (Or two opposite ends? Of the many possibilities.) The speculation over, the debate rages on... And in spite of promises to keep the Report apolitical, I think all our readership is intelligent enough to find the argument that moving to Canada to get away from this crazy socialized medicine completely hilarious. But it seems that even those debating healthcare know of the debate that has been raging here at the Report, as the Affordable Care Cat was upheld, as well.
Well, rest at ease, dear readers, I've spent the day doing my research to come to the bottom of the great Cats Versus Dogs debate, and the conclusion may surprise you. A refresher, if necessary: I am of the opinion that dogs are loyal to the end while cats lure us in withcuteness only to lash out. Admittedly, this ignores some instances of pretty malicious dog behavior. (Mailman biting, smelling bad when wet, and that thing where they rub their butt on the carpet leap to mind.) Further research has led me to find that the two engage in apparently equal destruction of human property. The evidence presented here suggests that both creatures are forces to be reckoned with...
And yet we blind ourselves to the Feline Menace and the Attack of the Canines. They infiltrate our homes, our hearts, even our Hollywood! As yesterday's Report on tearjerker dog stories indicated, this cultural invasion may be part of an attempt to manipulate us emotionally, to win us over. And win us over they have. Don't believe me? Listen to Jimmy Stewart read the poem at the end and tell me you don't get emotional. (If you tell me this, I won't believe you. Within view of a framed photo of the Dais of my life, I was crying.)
But what does this all mean? Infiltration through our cultural mediums, ultimately leading to destruction of the home? And not just by cats. And not just by dogs. But by an apparently united front of cats AND dogs? What are we to make of this?
Perhaps, dear readers, you have seen this conclusion coming. Perhaps you read ahead a little (by accident). Or saw the links on the sidebar and realized my chain of thought. Or picked up on a thread of sci-fi language running through the conclusion to this three day Report Event. Or perhaps you have known all along. (Search your feelings. You know it to be true.) Internet exploring has revealed... We may not know the creatures we know and love as well as we once thought, because... They are ALIENS. Yes, the evidence is here, photo documentation of cats and dogs (and a few other so-called "animals") returning to their own planets. That's right, the battle of Cats VS Dogs is actually not unlike the battle of Alien VS Predator. Whoever wins... We lose.
There it is, dear readers, the shocking conclusion to the Cats Versus Dogs Morning Report Trilogy. (Don't worry, I won't ruin it all with a prequel trilogy...) So... What are we to do with these aliens among us, now that we, brave group of 50 readers (!!!) know the truth? We must not let them know. Already, Google's computer may have led them to think we know too much, and with our numbers so few and our front not yet united, we would be ruined if they attempt to conquer us now. No, dear readers, we proceed as normal. I will continue the Report, and it will continue to include links to cute animals. But know now that these doses of cuteness to appease our alien overlords (because, be honest with yourself, in your relationship with your pet, which of you is the owner?) also serve as reminders of the threats that walk around us on four legs.
Pet them, hug them, take them for walks, watch them on YouTube, but know that one fine day with a woof and a purr... they will rise up. And it is up to us, not as cat people or dog people, but simply as people, to be ready when that day comes.
Two legs good. Four legs (super adorable and fuzzy, but also potentially) bad.
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