Pageantry Day 1 - The Perfect Date

After a day of travel and an afternoon in my favorite neighborhood in America, I'm back and reporting live from New Hampshire.  But the travel's not done.  For the next three days, the Mousseaus will be piling into our bright yellow Volkswagen T2 Microbus and hitting the road each night to support my sister in the (Little) Miss New Hampshire Pageant!  So, as Sarah moves forward in her quest for the crown, Little Miss Sunshine's Hoover family will be moving across the banner.  And the Report will be celebrating some of the fine cultural touchstones that have come to us as a result of the wide world of pageantry.

Little Miss Sunshine is obviously the pinnacle of these products of pageantry, and possibly my favorite movie.  (E.T. and I are still grappling with this recent realization.)  Hilarious and heartwarming, with the cheesiest cover of America the Beautiful, it's certainly the best film to feature Proust scholars, Nietzsche, and ice cream.  And I think it served as one of Sarah's major inspirations as she prepared her talent portion of this year's pageant.  And I can't wait to dance with her! 

If Little Miss Sunshine takes the title, then Miss Congeniality must go to... Miss Congeniality, mostly because of the great Sir Michael Caine.  His Britishness gives him great insight into the crown.  Most of all, though, it's a perfect reminder of this pageant's perfect timing.  There is no better date for a pageant than April 25th, simply because April 25th is the perfect date.  It's not too hot, it's not too cold.  All you need is a light jacket.

Now it's time for me to take off.  Grandpa's in the trunk of our car, I've stopped speaking because of Friedrich Nietzsche, and -- Where's Olive?

Wish us luck!

"A real loser is someone who's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." - Alan Arkin as Grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine

Odd Jobs and Random Tasks

Following on yesterday's report, one reader provided an interesting essay on why some book-to-movie adaptations fall short of our hopes.  (Hint: It's got something to do with the "master" part of masterpiece.)  We'll see if Baz proves up to the test by making something Great this summer...  Another reaches further back into literary canon and provides another Fleetwood Macbeth quote, this from Duncan's ghost's monologue: "I know there's nothing to say.  Someone has taken my place."

As today's Report headline suggests, we're tackling the working world today.  (Sorry for those who thought we were discussing diminutive Bond villainsand their Austin Powers parody counterparts...)  Specifically, we're taking a behind the scenes look at 15 different jobs, from dominatrix to paramedic.  The stories these men and women at work tell provide interesting glimpses at what actually goes on in worlds we may not know about.  Trust me, it's worth pushing through the shocking disturbingness of the dominatrix profile to get to the rest, though hers is probably the only place you will hear "I can be in my dungeon for up to seven hours" today.  The Undertaker's perspective proves HBO's Six Feet Under did its research, while the five year unpaid intern suggests maybe something about the intern system is broken and/or illegal.  Plus, if you don't feel like reading, you can just check out the cute little graphic representations... Though in real life I've never encountered a cab driver who looks like Travis Bickle.

Finally from our continuing Coincidences series, an extended story (to make up for a short report) about a college interview:

Georgetown was the first of my college interviews. I remember feeling incredibly nervous as I pulled up to the house of my alumni interviewer, a local judge who lived in the next town over. I was wearing a newly acquired navy suit skirt (the first time I actually had use for such an item of clothing) and uncomfortable grown- up shoes. I rang the doorbell, hesitantly. A dog started barking wildly from inside.

"Come on in", I hear, " I just need to put the dog away." As I open the front door, I see the alum interviewer struggling to gate off the kitchen in order to keep some large animal inside.

"Oh, that's fine, I don't mind. I love dogs. We have a brown-and-white Brittany Spaniel at home named Molly."

The interviewer stopped trying to wrestle with the dog. He looked a little taken by surprise. I took one step closer, peered  in the kitchen, and saw none other than a brown-and-white Brittany Spaniel.

"Her name's Molly", he said.

It's an odd world!  It's also Nathan Fillion's birthday!  If you don't know who that is, maybe you've seen him at the gym?  No, he doesn't go to the gym. He's just naturally like that.

For the Record Books

I had been sort of planning to continue March Madness tournament coverage this week, but after Friday's embarrassing rout of Georgetown, I'm gonna keep quiet on that topic for a while longer.

Instead, let's talk about adaptation.  Not the Charlie Kaufman film that features a rare good performance from Nicholas Cage.  (For more Nicholas Cage performances, try Nicholas Cage Roulette - "C'mon, Kick-Ass, c'mon Kick-Ass. Damn! Face-Off!")  The practice of adaptation, while often criticized as a sign of creative stagnation, is nothing new in the storytelling world.  Book to movie, comic book to movie, movie to novel based on the motion picture, book to musical to questionably cast movie musical, book to movie to video game, video game to cartoon series, comic book to cartoon series to video game to more modern video game... There is no shortage of examples for all of these, but there is a notable exception to the world of adaptation: The record-to-book or film divide really hasn't been crossed.

Sure, there's Fantasia and sequel, which provided beautiful depictions of classical compositions and an iconic Mickey image, but that's the only feature-length film example I can think of.  In terms of shorter pieces, there's Prokofiev's "Peter and the Wolf," originally released as song-and-book to teach kids the parts of the orchestra, and since adapted into films.  In that same spirit, pseudonymous author Lemony Snicket has created the song-and-book combination "The Composer Is Dead," which seems to be a more interesting and humorous teaching tool.

Luckily, the Internet is working hard to rectify this situation.  First, artist Christophe Gowans has developed a series of book covers interpreting whatfamous albums would have been had they been released as books.  If the covers alone weren't entertaining enough, he's written up small descriptions of what each book would be.  Highlights include the Queen murder mysteries, Beach Boys board book, and a classic aviation safety booklet.

In the other direction is the Coudal Partners produced "Booking Bands" project, combining famous books with famous bands.  The full list merits thorough giggle-filled examination, and stands out as a piece of collaborative wordplay genius.  But some of my favorites include "Abba Karenina," "Anne of Al Green Gables," "A Christmas Carol Channing," "Neutral Milk Hotel New Hampshire," "Fleetwood Macbeth," and "The Five Village People You Meet In Heaven."  (Should that last one happen in real life, you're probably actually in some sort of Hell.)  Bonus Points for anyone who can produce some sample lyrics from some of these bands...

And finally, on a more serious note: the 33 1/3 series is a series of books written about albums.  I've only read one of these books, in which The Mountain Goats' John Darnielle writes brilliantly on Black Sabbath's Master of Reality.  Still there are many on the list I hope to one day check out.  Particularly If You're Feeling Sinister, Tusk, and In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

That's plenty for today... Tomorrow we'll talk jobs and share a few more coincidences.  

As Fleetwood Macbeth would say, "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow."

We're Back!

After a two month hiatus (and you thought The Daily Show writers took long breaks...) we're returning today with an aptly named report, obviously referencing the greatest celebrity-voiced animated dinosaur film of all time.  Things went offline for a while starting in December, when I was hit with some all-day, all-week panels, working weekends, and non-stop extended workdays that had me too pooped to 'port.  Then I went on a Christmas vacation, came back, and frankly was just lazy for a while.  At least about Reporting.  Outside of the reporting world I've been busy learning GRE words ("covey - a group of partridges," I'll definitely need to know that to go back to school) and making my way through Infinite Jest (Otter 21, you won't be disappointed for long).

Still, in that time, we missed some genuinely excellent reporting opportunities.  I intend to make-up for a few right here, right now.

Christmas
Just think of all the custom banners we could have had, for starters!  Snowflakes, a rising Ornament "O," a snowman head "O," letters made of presents... So many possibilities!  We could have thrown rocks together at the Old Granville House, sung a carol every day of December, talked up Rankin Bass, hated Uncle Jamie, and torn apart Christmas Shoes.  And of course I would have been sure to tell you what Christmas is all about.

Fiscal Cliff
Remember that? I wouldn't have tried to explain it or link to any relevant article that did... But I would talk about Fiscal Clifford the Big Red Dog.  And offered excerpts of the classic "Fiscal Cliff" episode of The Cosby Show.  You know the one -- To get the kids to clean-up around the Huxtable home, Cliff starts paying them allowance to take care of the messes that pop up, but the kids expose a flaw in his system and start an elaborate system of making messes for others to clean and pooling the cash rewards.  Obviously Cliff catches on, and everyone learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and honesty.

New Year's Eve
I missed out on a great chance to work through a list of my favorite things about 2012.  I could have counted down to my favorite movie (Argo), my favorite book (The Fault In Our Stars), my favorite cute animals... So many possibilities.  Instead I'll take the opportunity to retrospectively and self-servingly pick my Top 5 Morning Reports of 2012:

5.  Game On! -- The Report that started it all obviously merits a mention...  And it helps that it includes a Gingrich-biting penguin.
4.  Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report -- A beautiful reader-submission reflecting on family, tradition, and memory.
3.  Vote Your Heart Out -- A double custom banner, plus links to videos from some of my favorite TV shows.
2.  100 Years of Oreo  -- Long-form humor on one topic, which is unusual for the Report.  Plus, I foretold Oreo's coming out for gay rights!
1.  Mourning Report: King of All the Wild Things -- A reflection on Maurice Sendak that features an interview that inspires me every time I hear it.

I hope those selections represent some of your favorites, too.  And I hope 2013 brings many more reports to choose from.

Til tomorrow, eat in the Cherry Orchard with your Three Sisters and your Uncle Vanya -- It's Anton Chekhov's birthday!

Hypothetical Thursday

Following on "How-To Tuesday" and "Wicked Busy Wednesday" (too busy to report, anyway), the madness of the seven days following Thanksgiving concludes today with "Hypothetical Thursday."  Today's report is going to entertain some questions you may have never considered before*, but are pretty neat and get you thinking... Both of these are long form articles, but we'll tamper with cuteness at the end once again.  (I wonder how many readers are now just like "Sweet, scroll down to the end and show me the puppies...")

First up, a really interesting user submission regarding Civil War.  (Seems appropriate in the talks following the film Lincoln and the talks of secession.)  But this hypothetical doesn't content itself with a North vs. South / Union vs. Confederacy match-up, and instead explores an all-out every state for itself dissolution of the Union.  The most interesting thing about this hypothetical is that it approaches the question not from a "Well, this would be what happens" perspective, instead presenting a faux-historical report from the future, not only by writing in the past tense, but also including quotes from primary sources.  (He does slip-up at least once, suggesting the piece was initially written as a more general hypothetical piece.)  It's quite a long read (even I admit to not having finished it yet), but it's really quite interesting and well done. Of course, as the people in the comments note, this may not be how things would go down.  Of course, I would argue a sudden state-centric political shift resulting in total 50-state dissolution probably isn't how things would go down either...

Meanwhile, on the science side, the brilliant writer of xkcd explores weekly hypotheticals in his longer writing pieces on the "What-If" page.  (The banner suggests a "What-if we fed a T-Rex to the Sarlacc with a crane," but I've yet to see that story.)  The latest issue addresses the cost of pennies, though not in the way you might think.  Some of my favorites include the Lightning edition, mostly for the comic addressing some of the stranger questions; the giant raindrop; and the mole of moles; but all of them are worth checking out.

And speaking of moles... They made this list of the Top 10 Cutest Creatures.  I challenge the inclusion of the manatee, love the happy puffer fish, and thrill at the inclusion of the wooly bear caterpillar.

Take the Deal!  It's Howie Mandel's birthday today.  (I always preferred Bobby's World.  Back when Howie had hair!)

Host(ess) With the Most

Before certain events of last week, I already knew this was going to be a week of food-centric reporting.  We are, after all, coming up upon the most food-centric holiday of the year.  (Sure we try to cover our gluttony with a few remarks about American historical legends and saying what we are thankful for, but in reality the day is built around a bird and a slew of side dishes.)  Today's post is all about food, but hopefully not a food item that ever graced your Thanksgiving table.
 
At the end of last week, Hostess Brands filed for bankruptcy, seeking permission to close its business and sell its assets.  This announcement came with the news that "Bakery operations have been suspended at all plants," suggesting that never again will another Twinkie, Ho-Ho, or Ding-Dong be made.  As one who has never eaten any of these products, I'm not alarmed by this, but the Internet is in something of an uproar.  People are supermarket sweeping these things off the shelves, stockpiling them as if the zombie apocalypse was nigh.  Twinkies, of course, would be an obvious choice for the zombie apocalypse (as noted by the characters of Zombieland) as urban legend suggests they have an infinite shelf life.  Even Wall-E cleverly followed this assertion, pairing the golden sponge cake treat with another great survivor of note, the cockroach.  While they may survive a zombie apocalypse or the pollution-based destruction of the planet, it seems there is one disaster these treats cannot survive: the current economy.
 
I'm not about to rush off to Safeway or ebay to buy some Twinkies before they join this list of foods of yesteryear.  (Oh the fond memories of wondering wondering ooh, I did, I did, what's in a Wonderball; hunting for the granny while eating delicious waffle crisp, and trying to figure out what in the world was in Orbitz.  Not to mention the lack of memories associated with the battery-acid flavored mind-eraser that was Four Loko.)  That said, as I do with most of these discontinued products, I do miss the advertising.  Hostess really had some great ads, and while I am too young to really remember Twinkie the Kid, I did love the "Where's the cream filling?" series of ads, from the bear to the shark to the rhino.
 
Alas, with the financial collapse of Hostess (confound healthier diets!), the question those animals ask now seems to mock us.  "Where's the cream filling?"  Though perhaps no longer in our pantries or our stomachs, the cream filling lives on in our memories and our hearts.  No seriously, though, a little bit of that cream filling is probably resting in the arteries of anyone who ever consumed one of those things, so it's definitely in our hearts.

Make sure you have room in your schedule for some walking and talking today, it's Allison Janey's birthday.  (If walking and talking isn't your thing, go fly a kite.)

At Midnight All the Agents

Today, as many readers are likely aware, is the release date of one of this year's major action movies, the new James Bond film Skyfall.  This means that at midnight last night (because seriously, what movie doesn't get a midnight release anymore?) die hard Bond fans, Daniel Craig lovers, Dame (or Day-um) Judi Dench supporters, and Adele someones-like-you took to the theaters to see Bond take on a creepy blonde Javier Bardem (first Bond, then Bardem?), as well as, according to the trailer, a scorpion.  I was not among those in the theater, as I was getting ready for bed, but if early reviews and blogosphere buzz are to be believed, when I do get to see this movie, it will be quite impressive.  And as the tiny Daniel Craig in the gun-barrel "O" above indicates, we're taking on Bond in today's report.  As in talking about him.  Not fighting him.  He'd destroy us.

So with everyone saying Skyfall is so good, it's got to have a few key ingredients.  Beyond the basics of a good (if not incredibly far-fetched) story and a strong leading man to be Bond, a good James Bond film needs...

An Action-Packed Opening
Before the opening titles even roll, the film's got to establish itself as a bad-ass piece of Bond awesomeness.  The best way to do this is an action scene that grabs you right away.  The Daily Beast put together their favorite openings, and I think they capture things pretty well.  Goldeneye certainly takes the cake, and I always associate the secret duck with Goldfinger.  Not on the list, but one I have a secret love for, is The World Is Not Enough, just because I loved doing an impression of Sir Robert King saying "Take this pin. It was the detonator."  Overall favorite, though, has to be the gritty opening to Casino Royale that brought a fresh edge to the character, cutting back on late-Brosnan era corniness, and replacing it with a dark, character driven piece of work.  (And for those who want more traditional action, just wait til the Parkour scene after the song plays through.)

A Good Song
With the opening action wrapped, it's time for a song.  The James Bond opening songs (click musical note to play song) are always a product of the decade of the film.  Given that famous musicians are always brought on to provide them, this decade-relation should come as no surprise.  Consider 1965's Thunderball song "Thunderball" by Tom Jones, the obviously 80s "A View to a Kill" and "The Living Daylights" by Duran Duran and A-Ha respectively.  You'll also notice a trend of song being named after film, which has been carried through almost all of the Bond films after Dr. No.  There are some notable exceptions.  I can't believe they couldn't find someone to sing a song called "Octopussy."  Though I'm not surprised that nobody could work "Quantum of Solace" into a catchy little lyric, considering the incredibly effective way that it was worked into the film.  Oh wait...

A Cool Title 
Speaking of titles, they are almost invariably super cool.  (Note the Quantum of Solace exception given above.)  A View to a Kill, Live and Let Die... even Die Another Day, awful as the film was, is a pretty kick-ass title.  And just imagine the titles that could have come if the films had started production prior to 1962.  If you can't imagine any, Andrew Howley took care of some for you.  Two Lefts and a Reich would be incredible, and imagine the gadgets the Newton-esque Q counterpart would provide in Objects in Motion.  Then again, there are the forgotten Bond films of the Bush era.  (Actually, some of these might have been better than Die Another Day... )

A Hot Bond Girl 
Next ingredient to heat things up a bit: The playfully named Bond Girl.  Where, but in a James Bond film, could Denise Richards pass for a nuclear physicist?  And where, but in that same Bond film, would that physicists name be "Christmas Jones"?  And where, but in that same film, would Pierce Brosnan get to say "I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey" and not be talking about December 25?  There's a whole vast history of beautiful women who have seduced, tricked, trapped, been trapped with, and, in the latest Bond story arc, even broken the heart of James Bond.  There are also some great Bond girls who never were, and hopefully never will be.

A Super Creepy, Crazy Villain
 Finally, let's wrap it all up with a villain who just wants to watch the world burn.  No, wait, that's the Joker.  But seriously, Bond villains aren't far from the supervillains of the comic book world, especially in terms of their plots for world domination or turning a quick (billion) buck(s).  Whether they cry blood, carry golden guns, throw deadly bowler hats, or love gold, these villains all have one thing in common:  They expect Bond to die.  Of course, they'll toy with him a bit first.  Or torture him mercilessly in one of the most painful sequences I've ever seen on film.  (Looking at you, Casino.)  The point is, it can't be simple.  It's all a game.  A most complicated game.


All told these ingredients combined (shaken, not stirred) work together to create a gem of a Bond movie.  And it sounds like Skyfall makes the grade.  Catch it in theaters this weekend.  (I get money from MGM now, right? That's how that works?)

For those who have Monday off, enjoy the long weekend.  I'll be back on Tuesday with what I anticipate will be some smaller scale reporting than this week's.

Til next week,

Mousseau. Evan Mousseau
(Please, like you didn't know I would sign off like that.)

Vote Your Heart Out

 
Good Morning and Happy Election Day!

For the past 19 months we've been dealing with this election.  Speeches, debates, ads, primary votes, more ads, more debates, more ads, more speeches, more ads, ads, ADS, ADS, ADS!  But now, today, it ends.  And how it will end is really anyone's guess, as every newspaper, blog, and television news source say.  But the important thing is it ends.  Tomorrow, politicking stops (for a little while), the signs will come down, offices and Facebook and Twitter will become a bit more bearable, Daily Show and Colbert Report viewership will drop ever so slightly, and the advertisers will Super Pack their bags and leave.  But I say, why wait?  Today's Report is going to celebrate the awesomeness of my top ten elections/campaigns to ever hit popular culture.

10.  Pedro Runs for Class President in Napoleon Dynamite.  I bought this movie for my sister for Christmas the year it came out under the stipulation that she could never force me to watch it.  To this day, I have not watched it, though I have seen many-a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.  That said, Wikipedia informs me that Pedro wins the election, apparently buoyed to success by this dance.

9.  The Blue M&M.  In 1995, candy company Mars, Incorporated ran a promotion in which M&M lovers (read: everyone) could vote to pick the M&M that would replace tan in the new bag.  (Did you even remember that there was a tan M&M? I didn't!)  The candidates were blue, pink, and purple.  Blue would win, and it was during the Blue M&M Campaign that Mars introduced the talking M&M personalities.

8.  Snoopy in the Song "Snoopy for President." Though it was Linus who ran in for school president in the comics, it was Snoopy who ran for President of the United States in a song by the Royal Guardsmen.  This wasn't the first song the Guardsmen had sung about the iconic beagle; we'll see another as Christmas approaches.  This one does feature a cameos from the Great Pumpkin and Snoopy's classic rival the Red Baron who somehow manages to vote in a U.S. election.  I sense voter fraud...

7.  Claire Dunphy Runs for City Council on Modern Family.  When Claire Dunphy gets fed-up with an absolutely awful city council member played perfectly by David Cross, she decides to run against him in the election.  The humor for this election comes first from Claire's preparations for the debate with her overly critical family.  The real gem of the campaign, though, comes when a town hall meeting falls apart, gets autotuned, and goes viral.  What's the plan, Phil? 

6.  Mike Morris' Primary Campaign in The Ides of March.  2011was Hollywood's year of the Gosling, as he starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; and the political thriller, The Ides of March.  Ides was adapted from the Beau Willimon's stageplay Farragut West and features Gosling as an idealistic young campaign staffer for Democratic candidate hopeful Mike Morris, played by George Clooney, who also directed the film.  The film's got an all-star supporting cast that includes a ten second sequence toward the opening where you see both Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Paul Giamatti and get to go "They're in this?!"  And that's not even mentioning Marisa Tomei; girl-named-Evan, Evan Rachel Wood; and oft-recognized, not named often enough Jeffrey Wright.  A superb, albeit bleak portrait of gamesmanship versus ideals in American politics.

5.  Avenue Q's Rod Votes for Rotary Club President.  Every musical that gets nominated for Best Musical at Broadways Tony's gets to perform for the... I don't know... dozens? of viewers nationwide watching at home on TV.  Most of them choose to perform a number from the show, but the puppet-parody of Sesame Street, Avenue Q stood out in the 2004 Tony awards when it performed an original scene called "Rod's Dilemma," in which the show's Bert parallel Rod votes for the officer of his rotary club.  The dilemma segues into a brilliant musical number called "Vote Your Heart."  The subliminal messaging of the song seemed to pay off, too, since Avenue Q took home the trophy that year!

4.  The Election in Election.  Simply put, this is an amazing movie.  Reese Witherspoon stars as student Tracy Flick in her run for student body president.  While Flick is initially running unopposed, civics teacher Jim McAllister, played by Matthew Broderick, brings popular football player (is there any other type of cinematic high school football player?) Paul Metzler into the race, and Metzler's lesbian sister Tammy soon follows.  High school politics, extramarital affairs, cupcakes, swollen eyes, and civic duty all come together in this near perfect dark comedy, anchored by the best performance of Reese Witherspoon's career.

3.  George Michael Bluth, Steve Holt, and Rov Nadir Run for Student Body President in Arrested Development.  Arrested Development's student body president election episode, "Immaculate Election," holds up strong in the show's record of strong episodes.  It features fan-favorite minor characters Ann Veal (her?) and Steve Holt, along with appearances from Mrs. Featherbottom and George Michael's Star Wars kid freakout.  The campaign videos are great, though the color commentary provided by GOB in the episode itself is even better.  George Michael's video is a stark contrast to his original campaign slogan, Voting In Righteous George Michael Is Noble.  Good thing they sacrificed the whole V.I.R.G.I.N. thing.

2.  Turd Sandwich Vs Giant Douche on South Park.  When PETA protests South Park Elementary's cow mascot, the school lets the students nominate a new mascot and two candidates come out on top to take each other on.  The Turd Sandwich battles the Giant Douche for school mascot, leaving Stan disenfranchised by the political process.  In brilliantly vulgar satire (the episode was released just before the 2004 election), Stan is kicked out of town when he decides that given the choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, he'd rather not vote at all.  Of course the real question is which one is funnier?

1.  Leslie Knope Runs for City Council on Parks and Rec.  The major plot arc of the show's excellent fourth season features Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope running for the city council of Pawnee, Indiana.  The campaign is full of bumps along the road, including a scene in which the show's main cast, including a three-legged dog named Champion, slide across an ice rink to the tune of Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet"... or at least the first fifteen seconds of the song.  Oh, and did I mention Paul Rudd plays her lovable idiot of an opponent, Bobby Newport.

There, that should be enough to take your mind off the election at hand, or at the very least distract you as you watch the votes and guesses trickle in as the day goes by.

Remember to vote your heart!

Remember, Remember

I hope you all had enjoyable and restful weekends full of friends, family, and perhaps even a little treating yo self.  Though none of you owned up to it, some of you may even have been kicking off beards and novels!  One reader submitted some particularly impressive beards to strive for.  Interestingly, this list of 10 epic beards also brings to light the important connection between hat and facial hair.  The proper pairing is crucial, it would appear.

And speaking of hat-hair combinations, let us discuss the famous combination of the day.  The black hat, creepy mask that is the face of today, November 5, or Guy Fawkes Day.  Guy Fawkes Day (or Night) has been celebrated in Britain for years, as a celebration of the arrest of Guy Fawkes on November 5, 1605, as he guarded explosives intended to destroy the House of Lords.  Now the holiday is commemorated with fireworks and bonfires, often including the burning of an effigy (usually of Guy Fawkes, though some towns make controversial picks...)  The holiday is also celebrated by comic book nerds, action movie fans, and Natalie Portman lovers worldwide, as they use it as an excuse to watch the Fawkes-themed V for Vendetta.  (Not to be confused with the equally harrowing C for Cookie.)

But when we "Remember remember the 5th of November" for Guy Fawkes alone, what are we "Forgetting, forgetting?"  I've picked two things that we should remember not to forget in all of our remembering.

Remember 1:  Bryan and Ryan Adams' Birthday.  Okay, so this is technically two things.  But seriously, how weird is it that two similarly named but unrelated musicians have the SAME birthday?!  Now, to be perfectly honest, I don't know too much about Ryan Adams, though a quick YouTube search led me to this beautiful song.  He's also got a damn good cover of Wonderwall that totally changes the song.  Seriously, I am probably saying stuff that everybody who knows about music already knows.  I'm just discovering this stuff for the first time.  I'm much more well-versed in the music of Canada's second-greatest export, Bryan Adams.  (Sorry, Celine, Martin Short is first greatest.)  The Bryan Adams compilation album "So Far So Good," with that iconic muddy tire cover was a regular rider on the three-disc carousel of my family's stereo, and I was the one who kept granting it admission.  And my knowledge of "Summer of '69" once earned me bonus points on a high school English exam, as I finished the sentence "I got my first real six-string, bought it at the  five and dime."  I could sing-along to pretty much the whole album, from the best thing about Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*, "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,"  to "Can't Stop This Thing We Started."  So, at the very least, if you don't want to Remember, Remember Bryan and Ryan today, Imagine Imagine me at age seven dancing around my living room singing this. 

Remember 2:  Of much greater historical significance than Messrs. Ryan and Ryan, 150 years ago today, on November 5, 1872, Susan B. Anthony cast her vote in the 1872 presidential election.  Though she backed the winning candidate, Ulysses S Grant, when she "positively voted the Republican ticket," she ended up with a $100 fine for her action.  She never paid this fine, but her arrest, her sham of a trial under justice Ward Hunt, and her fine, all served to further the women's suffrage movement, as Anthony addressed the question, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?"  

Even more than Guy Fawkes day; even more than Bryan and Ryan Adams; and even more than adorable, pajama-clad, seven-year-old Evan looking back now at a summer that seemed to last forever, Readers, remember, remember the vote of Susan B Anthony today.  Specifically, remember it in preparation to commemorate it tomorrow.  When asked the question that Susan B. Anthony posed following her vote 150 years ago, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?," I encourage the readership of the Morning Report to answer not with words, but with actions, by voting in tomorrow's election.

*How about that for a negatively positive review of a song?

***   FOLLOW-UP  ***

Following on the Guy Fawkes description, one reader asked: "Were the explosively [sic] to be placed just beneath the chamber of the House of Lords? Would the explosion not have destroyed the Palace of Westminster in its entirety, and therefore the Commons as well?"

I did a bit of history digging and found out more:

I did some digging and found this map of Westminster from the mid 18th century. A bit later than we are discussing, but let us assume the layout was the same. 

H of L indicates the House of Lords, while H of Commons indicates the House of Commons. 

While V was able to take down the whole building, the explosives available to Mr Fawkes and the rest of the Gunpowder Plotters were far more rudimentary than those of the dystopic future. 

Fawkes was found guarding 36 barrels of gunpowder. Enough to obliterate the House of Lords and kill the not-Catholic King James I, but not enough to reduce the Palace to rubble. The goal was ultimately to eliminate James and replace him with his Catholic daughter. James' supporters would no doubt also be taken out in this assassination attempt, but the symbolic destruction of the establishment ended there, not with the total destruction of the building/government as it did for the masked and revenge-driven anarchist of Alan Moore's creation.

Thanks Be to St. Isidore of Seville

Look at that, with Halloween past and the Great Pumpkin returned to... wherever it is he goes (I like to picture a Holiday Inn with the Easter Bunny, Santa, and friends) the banner is back to normal.  Following all sorts of positive feedback about the banner editing fun, you can expect some special edition banners in the future.  Perhaps as early as next Tuesday...
Hope you all had a happy Halloween with more treats than tricks and whatnot.  I practiced what I spent a week preaching, giving out full size candy bars, watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and closing off the night by reading The Fifty Year Sword.  But now the holiday is over and where are we now?  November!  Why, only just next month it will be December!  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
 
November 1, as you might remember from the history of Halloween links, is All Saints' Day.  Of course we're celebrating ALL Saints, but I want to give a particular report shout-out to St. Isidore of Seville, patron saint of the Internet.  I'm assuming he was named thus for his effort in his lifetime to compile a summa of all universal knowledge.  Though perhaps he was secretly known for a vast collection of cat icons... What a strange concept, though, to be named patron saint of something he never got to use.  He's not the only strange saint out there, though... It' s a pity praying to Saint Polycarp of Smyrna wasn't an option on The Oregon Trail.
 
November also kicks off two big month-long events.  First, there's "No-Shave-November," which has (I believe recently) also become known as "Movember,"  though the latter is more specific to hair-growth above the upper lip.  Movember is actually a really awesome event raising money for prostate and testicular cancer initiatives through pledges.  I would certainly encourage anyone who doesn't need to maintain a sense of professionalism in their workplace to consider participating.  What've you got to lose?  And besides, it could set you off on the path to being a CHAMPION!  At the very least, let me know and I will tell the readership that some of you are participating.  And those that aren't can still share their favorite beards...
 
The other big event is a bit less passive in nature.  November is also recognized as National Novel Writing Month, or "NaNoWriMo" for clumsy/short.  Over the course of one month, participants work to draft a copy of a 50,000 word novel by meeting daily wordcount goals.  It is a bold endeavor, and one in which I will not be participating.  I do know that one (maybe two) current readers have participated in the past, though, and perhaps some of you are considering going for it this year.  If so, here are some helpful tips.  I'm particularly keen on the negative and positive reinforcement motivators in 2011's #24 and 2012's #20.  Those who don't plan on writing a novel (most of us, I'm sure) and even those who don't particularly care for reading novels (I encourage you to try one...) can certainly get behind the tip in 2011's #25.  I would certainly love to raise a glass with Chandler, Fitzgerald, or James Gould Cozzens right now... And I'd certainly try what Tennessee Williams is having at least once.  Now that I've boarded this train of thought... Five hours til Happy Hour!
 
Chew on a Popsicle today, it's Toni Collette's birthday!

Halloweek Day 5 - All Hallow's Report

It's here!  The day we've been waiting for all Halloweek!  The day we get to see what the Great Pumpkin brought the Report.  Gifts?!  Candy?!  Are we the most faithful pumpkin patch, or -- AUGH!  Wait!  That's not the Great Pumpkin!  We've been tricked!  We waited all week and all we got was a stupid beagle!  Drats!  Well, there's always next year...

For now, I'll try to make it up to you with a ton of Halloween links! Let's celebrate the day with some scary stories, music, and movies...

Stories 
While I hope by now all readers affected by Hurricane Sandy have had their power restored, those living by candlelight have the perfect atmosphere for reading a few scary stories.  You could choose to go the classic route, with a story by Poe.  I would recommend "The Tell-Tale Heart" or, my all-time favorite, "The Cask of Amontillado."  You could plunge into some 90s elementary school nostalgia and check out a copy of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, though just the illustrations are enough to give you nightmares for all of November.  For more modern, longer reads, I recommend checking out Mark Z. Danielewski's newest book, The Fifty Year Sword or, longer yet, the haunting and incredible House of Leaves.  Or for a free read, check out these free and classic downloads compiled by GalleyCat for Neil Gaiman's brilliant "All Hallow's Read."  But really, you can't go wrong with just making up some spooky stories of your own.  Just remember to start them off with "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society..."

Music
 Sure, radio stations and department stores are already playing Christmas music.  But that doesn't mean we can't celebrate the Pumpkin Carols and haunting tunes of this holiday first.  Problem is... There aren't too many.  Sure we can do the Mash and Thriller.  And a few movie tunes work to remind us Who We Gonna Call, since This Is Halloween.  These lack something of the classic holiday feel that Christmas Carols have, even when sung by Bing Crosby.  (Who knew he had a Halloween song?!)  My favorite, though?  The modern 30 Rock classic, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!
 
Movies 
What this holiday lacks in music it makes up for in movies.  You can get away with any horror movie and justify it, but I think there should be a bit more specificity.  It doesn't exactly make sense to justify watching a Friday the 13th film because it's Wednesday the 31st...  Any of the many Universal Monster movies are solid choices, and even offer some non-scary options for the 'fraidy cats out there.  If the monster connection isn't substantial enough for you, though, you can get Halloween-specific.  We've already called out Nightmare Before Christmas above, but what about other Disney classics like Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus.  For those looking for something a little more mature, I recommend Trick 'r Treat.  It's an excellent blend of horror and comedy (Trick AND Treat!) that has all the making of a tragically overlooked modern classic.

And that's a wrap for the Report's coverage of Halloweek.  Too bad we got tricked by that stupid beagle.  But keep the faith and maybe next year we'll prove worthy of a visit from the Great Pumpkin himself!

Tomorrow we'll return to classic reporting...  I've got a whole lot of great non-Halloween materials that we've missed over the past week.

Til then, Happy Haunting!

Halloweek Day 2 - Costumeization

It looks like the Great Pumpkin is on his way!  He appears to be peeking up out of the patch today.  Could the Morning Report be the most faithful Pumpkin Patch???
Maybe he's looking to get a glimpse of all those adorable costumed animals that certainly provoked a lot of reader response yesterday.  The moose-dog and the geese were crowd favorites,  while one reader questioned the time it took to develop the revised banner.  Perhaps the Great Pumpkin will tell us if he rises...  Finally, yet another reader provided some pictures of a dog that sets the bar in the costumed canine world.  Trotter the French Bulldog brings a certain flair for sophistication to the outfits he is put in by food photographer Sonya Yu.  The samples on Colossal are great, but Yu's Instagram page has even more Trotter outfits scattered among her food photos.

So now you have ideas on how to dress your pets.  BUT: What if you don't have pets?  What then?  Today's Report is all about ideas for how to settle on the perfect costume for your Halloween.  To do this, we're going to break things down into four basic categories: Scary, Sexy, Pop-Culture, and Lazy.  Sure, there are others.  (The glut of over-priced mask and suit/dress costumes to turn four-year-olds into little superheroes and Disney princesses come to mind.)  But really, as far as the DIY costume is concerned, those are the basics.

SCARY:  I'm gonna go ahead and say avoid this.  Seriously.  I hate being scared by people.  I choose not to go on haunted hay rides and into haunted houses/prisons/woods for this reason.  Just this past weekend one of our readers and I were were up in New Hampshire and heard a woman discussing a haunted house where you could sign a waiver and the people inside you could "touch you and do whatever they wanted and stuff."  She said this with excitement in her voice.  This sounds AWFUL.  And I know that this won't happen by default of people in public dressing up as scary, but seriously, there are kids out there on Halloween.  Nobody wants to have to cross the street with a crying baby to stay away from the scary bleeding clown man.  Of course, there are some costumes that are not inherently scary, but make for terrifying things once they've aged a bit.

SEXY:  So if you're not gonna be scary, perhaps your Mean Girls mind leaped to the only other alternative offered in the film.  Toss on a pair of ears, some lingerie, and now you're a sexy [fill in the blank].  The sexy costume route used to be mildly acceptable.  I mean this "used to" in two senses.  First, the "sexy" costumes of the 1920s and 1930s are pretty tolerable.  ("Damn, man, did you see that chick's ankle?!")  But things evolved to become literally NSFW.  Therein lies the second "used to."  The sexy [noun] worked in college.  Hell, you could even get away with it in high school.  (Though, just as the presence of kids in the world means adults shouldn't dress scary, the presence of adults in the world means that kids shouldn't dress sexy.)  But now, those of us in the working world have a choice to make: We can become workplace legends by sexing it up at the office Halloween party OR we can keep our jobs.  I'm going with the latter.

POP-CULTURE:  In my mind, the winningest costume is something rooted in popular culture.  For people who recognize you, they'll think you're really freaking awesome.  And for people who don't know who you are, well, there's your opportunity to evangelize for one of your favorite movies/TV shows/books.  Either way, you're a walking conversation starter.  Given the Report's age distribution, most of the readership will find some ideas for awesome costumes rooted in childhood here.  Don't like that, then do something more contemporary.  (Can't go wrong by grabbing a pair of cutoffs and blueing yourself.  If you don't have blue paint, diamond dust will do in a pinch.)  The creative genius of Pixar is also a great place to find inspiration.  But no matter what you do, you're not going to beat little Carl Fredricksen, here.

LAZY:  "But Evan, I don't have time to do any of that!"  Fine.  Thing is, you don't really have to.  There are plenty of great costumes waiting for you in the detritus of your closet.  That bowling shirt you won at trivia?  Thrift store cowboy hat?  Tie-dye anything?  Yeah, you've got costumes galore.  (Not sure what wearing all three of those together would make you...)  Don't believe me?  Check out this slideshow for some lazy ideas.  (Sure they're for kids, but don't even pretend like you don't have some of those things at home.)

Or, you could reach the pinnacle of laziness and find a sheet and a pair of scissors.  Are those people boo-ing your laziness, or are they joining in with your haunting holiday spirit?

Just remember to be careful with the scissors, or you might end up with a rock.

In Search of Lost Time Travel

Time travel is in vogue right now.  The subject ebbs and flows in pop-culture, but right now the Venn Diagram of popular and nerdy sits with time travel comfortably nestled in the middle.  Consider the recent and rapid rise in popularity of the BBC's Doctor Who in American TV culture.  Sure America is a few years late in joining the party with the space and time hopping time lord and his companions, but Netflix and the growing geekery have seen fit to go so far as to put Matt Smith's bowtied mug on the cover of Entertainment Weekly!
 
And on the big screen, Rian Johnson's time-travel action film Looper is scoring positive reviews and continuing Joseph Gordon-Levitt's year of success.  Now, I don't want to say too much, because I don't want to give anything away.  I went into the movie knowing only the vaguest premise, having forced myself only to see the teaser trailer, and enjoyed it much more having avoided spoilers.  Basically:  JGL works for the mob, whacking targets sent back in time from a future where time travel exists.  This already works for a compelling premise, but the real kicker comes in when JGL's future self is sent back for execution.  And the real kick-ass comes in when JGL's future self is Bruce Willis.  Seriously.  It's awesome.  But don't look it up.  Just go see it.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Yesterday.  Whenever.
 
Looper's release has prompted a flurry of sites cataloging time-travel rules, time-travel movie moments, and top time-travel stories.  But: So many of these sites contain subtle Looper spoilers, so I don't want to link to them.  (Sorry, Wall Street Journal's "Four Rules of Time-Travel," you get no love from me.)  Thankfully, a few pages exist sans-Looper, so we'll include those.  (Other movies will be spoiled.  But they're old.  After five years, no forgiveness needs to be granted for spoilers.  And beyond fifty years, things that are "spoilers" should enter common knowledge.*)  

Discovery put together a nice tidy list of Top 22 Time Travel Movies with vague descriptions and background information.  Better, albeit more spoilery, though, is TotalFilm's list of the 50 Greatest Time Travel Movie Moments.  Some of them are questionable.  (Did George Bailey really time travel?)  Some are surprising.  (Love that Muppet Christmas Carol made the cut!)  One is... Dali.  And, for all the Back to the Future references, one is mysteriously absent.  It's like the list makers said, "Roads?  Where we're going we don't need to mention the fact that where they're going they don't need roads!"  It's your list, TotalFilm!  Something has got to be done about your list!
 
That's all for today.  Be sure to thank the management... It's Boss's Day!

ReKindling the Readership

I mentioned and linked at length yesterday to Michael Chabon's work, which I have just spent the summer reading.  I am proud to own copies of all his books, many of them signed by the author, whom I have met twice and will see several more times on his book tour this fall for Telegraph Avenue, but whom I am not stalking, contrary to what some people may say.  Of course, I read all of these books in their physical form, rather than on a Kindle or iPad (which I do not own, but would be open to receiving as a gift).  A special preview of Telegraph Avenue, however, nearly led me to purchase the book in that format, as a special edition of the book exists with accompanying audio tracks, images, videos, and so on.  However, thanks to the thoughtful gift of a friend, I do not have to make this decision, and a beautiful copy of the book is sitting all shiny nearby as I write this.  Which is good, because now when Chabon signs it later this month, I don't have to worry about rendering it useless.  (Seriously, GoogleImages? Nothing for this? Has no one's toddler written on their Kindle screen?)
 
But it got me thinking... When is a book no longer a book?  I recently discussed the flexibility of novels with a friend, wondering if there was a difference anymore between a collection of interwoven short stories and a novel.  Faulkner's Go Down, Moses seems to straddle the line.  But I don't just mean novels, I mean books in general.  When we can click and watch a movie, listen to a song, hear a sample from the audiobook... Are we still experiencing books?  It's an interesting transition, from the written page to the written retina-display touch-screen with special interactive features.
 
Even more interesting, though, are the two transitions from e-book to print that I found today.  The first is a print-on-demand art book, which collects 56 images of broken kindle screens and reproduces them in print.  While certainly cheaper than purchasing and breaking 56 original Kindles, I'm confused as to why anyone would buy this.  It calls to mind the title of another print book sitting on my couch right now... But Is It Art?  Perhaps the knowing smile and partial face of Agatha Christie knows the answer to that mystery...
More impressive, I think, is the project that aims to explain the modern e-book to a member of the analog past.  It's the 19th-Century Kindle for Charles Dickens!  Normally, I would be opposed to someone gutting a book, but this is so freaking cool.  And it created a bunch more little books to make up for taking apart old ones.  Though I have to imagine those little ones are abridged.
 
As an exciting piece of news today, the trailer for this November's film Lincoln premieres later today.  While this is not the movie I'm most looking forward to this Fall (Looper and Cloud Atlas and The Master are fighting for top billing there), I'm intrigued by the trailer, if only to see the great double-named Daniel Day-Lewis transform into another amazing role.  You can't see the preview until 7:00 tonight, but there is some leaked footage of Day-Lewis here.  Okay... Maybe not.  But I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Mr. Method-Actor spent months of preparation actually installed in Disney's Hall of Presidents, replacing the existing audio-animatronic.
 
Wikipedia tells me it's International Chocolate Day.  Act accordingly.

The Report Rises

Do not worry, dear readers, I did not abandon you.  I had merely gone into quiet, Bruce Wayne-esque isolation for a while.  But it didn't take eight years, a cat burglar, and a masked man who talks like the love-child of Sean Connery and Yoda pulling a Tommy Boy... It just took a day where things weren't so busy at the office.  And so, after a pair of busy weeks at work, the Morning Report Rises!
 
And in a Report named after an ending, it's only appropriate to discuss endings, as well.  In a now long-distant Report, we discussed great opening lines to literature.  Here, the Guardian has compiled the ten best closing lines in literature.  Of course, given numerous Gatsby references in the report and an entire report dedicated to F. Scott Fitzgerald's great novel, it's no surprise I strongly agree with their first choice.  Ulysses and Heart of Darkness, too, seem to me strong choices, and I've always had a soft-spot for Finn's lighting out for the territory, even if the greatness of that final line is tainted by the profound weakness of the book's closing chapters.  Once again, though, the commentary on the countdown calls out some other options that I believe are far stronger than those selected in the Top Ten.  This time, the final reflection on kid-lit (kudos to them for acknowledging it) draws attention to the closing line of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, "And it was still hot."
 
But wait!  The Guardian misquotes Mr. Sendak, saying Max's supper was "still warm."  For shame, Guardian.  For shame.  This is nearly as bad as the woman I overheard this weekend who, upon hearing a young boy in her party remark that Roald Dahl was dead, said, "Yes, that was sad, wasn't it.  Did you ever read Where the Wild Things Are?"  Oh goodness!  What is this world coming to?  Yes, Roald Dahl's death was sad... But not for the young boy casually mentioning it, as he was not yet born in 1990 when Dahl passed.  Obviously that woman has not decorated her son's room like this.  (As I intend to do.  To my son's room.  Not hers.)
 
And in traditional report form, let's include some stories about animals to make up for lost time.  First, Batmanatee and his fellow underwater patrolers, courtesy of Kevin.  No doubt the Flash Manatee (whose name, not ending in "man," offers no convenient portmanteau) travels at a blazing seven miles per hour.  Still not faster than the Manatee Justice League's arch-nemesis The Propeller.  And here are an overwhelming number of cute animals and things.  To provide commentary on them all would be overwhelming, so let me just say that the return to reporting has me as happy as the sheep in 16.
 
How appropriate given today's Report title, that it would turn out to be Christopher Nolan's birthday.  I hope he has a tattoo to remind him to celebrate... Then again, he probably has dreams within dreams about this day!