Vote Your Heart Out

 
Good Morning and Happy Election Day!

For the past 19 months we've been dealing with this election.  Speeches, debates, ads, primary votes, more ads, more debates, more ads, more speeches, more ads, ads, ADS, ADS, ADS!  But now, today, it ends.  And how it will end is really anyone's guess, as every newspaper, blog, and television news source say.  But the important thing is it ends.  Tomorrow, politicking stops (for a little while), the signs will come down, offices and Facebook and Twitter will become a bit more bearable, Daily Show and Colbert Report viewership will drop ever so slightly, and the advertisers will Super Pack their bags and leave.  But I say, why wait?  Today's Report is going to celebrate the awesomeness of my top ten elections/campaigns to ever hit popular culture.

10.  Pedro Runs for Class President in Napoleon Dynamite.  I bought this movie for my sister for Christmas the year it came out under the stipulation that she could never force me to watch it.  To this day, I have not watched it, though I have seen many-a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.  That said, Wikipedia informs me that Pedro wins the election, apparently buoyed to success by this dance.

9.  The Blue M&M.  In 1995, candy company Mars, Incorporated ran a promotion in which M&M lovers (read: everyone) could vote to pick the M&M that would replace tan in the new bag.  (Did you even remember that there was a tan M&M? I didn't!)  The candidates were blue, pink, and purple.  Blue would win, and it was during the Blue M&M Campaign that Mars introduced the talking M&M personalities.

8.  Snoopy in the Song "Snoopy for President." Though it was Linus who ran in for school president in the comics, it was Snoopy who ran for President of the United States in a song by the Royal Guardsmen.  This wasn't the first song the Guardsmen had sung about the iconic beagle; we'll see another as Christmas approaches.  This one does feature a cameos from the Great Pumpkin and Snoopy's classic rival the Red Baron who somehow manages to vote in a U.S. election.  I sense voter fraud...

7.  Claire Dunphy Runs for City Council on Modern Family.  When Claire Dunphy gets fed-up with an absolutely awful city council member played perfectly by David Cross, she decides to run against him in the election.  The humor for this election comes first from Claire's preparations for the debate with her overly critical family.  The real gem of the campaign, though, comes when a town hall meeting falls apart, gets autotuned, and goes viral.  What's the plan, Phil? 

6.  Mike Morris' Primary Campaign in The Ides of March.  2011was Hollywood's year of the Gosling, as he starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; and the political thriller, The Ides of March.  Ides was adapted from the Beau Willimon's stageplay Farragut West and features Gosling as an idealistic young campaign staffer for Democratic candidate hopeful Mike Morris, played by George Clooney, who also directed the film.  The film's got an all-star supporting cast that includes a ten second sequence toward the opening where you see both Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Paul Giamatti and get to go "They're in this?!"  And that's not even mentioning Marisa Tomei; girl-named-Evan, Evan Rachel Wood; and oft-recognized, not named often enough Jeffrey Wright.  A superb, albeit bleak portrait of gamesmanship versus ideals in American politics.

5.  Avenue Q's Rod Votes for Rotary Club President.  Every musical that gets nominated for Best Musical at Broadways Tony's gets to perform for the... I don't know... dozens? of viewers nationwide watching at home on TV.  Most of them choose to perform a number from the show, but the puppet-parody of Sesame Street, Avenue Q stood out in the 2004 Tony awards when it performed an original scene called "Rod's Dilemma," in which the show's Bert parallel Rod votes for the officer of his rotary club.  The dilemma segues into a brilliant musical number called "Vote Your Heart."  The subliminal messaging of the song seemed to pay off, too, since Avenue Q took home the trophy that year!

4.  The Election in Election.  Simply put, this is an amazing movie.  Reese Witherspoon stars as student Tracy Flick in her run for student body president.  While Flick is initially running unopposed, civics teacher Jim McAllister, played by Matthew Broderick, brings popular football player (is there any other type of cinematic high school football player?) Paul Metzler into the race, and Metzler's lesbian sister Tammy soon follows.  High school politics, extramarital affairs, cupcakes, swollen eyes, and civic duty all come together in this near perfect dark comedy, anchored by the best performance of Reese Witherspoon's career.

3.  George Michael Bluth, Steve Holt, and Rov Nadir Run for Student Body President in Arrested Development.  Arrested Development's student body president election episode, "Immaculate Election," holds up strong in the show's record of strong episodes.  It features fan-favorite minor characters Ann Veal (her?) and Steve Holt, along with appearances from Mrs. Featherbottom and George Michael's Star Wars kid freakout.  The campaign videos are great, though the color commentary provided by GOB in the episode itself is even better.  George Michael's video is a stark contrast to his original campaign slogan, Voting In Righteous George Michael Is Noble.  Good thing they sacrificed the whole V.I.R.G.I.N. thing.

2.  Turd Sandwich Vs Giant Douche on South Park.  When PETA protests South Park Elementary's cow mascot, the school lets the students nominate a new mascot and two candidates come out on top to take each other on.  The Turd Sandwich battles the Giant Douche for school mascot, leaving Stan disenfranchised by the political process.  In brilliantly vulgar satire (the episode was released just before the 2004 election), Stan is kicked out of town when he decides that given the choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, he'd rather not vote at all.  Of course the real question is which one is funnier?

1.  Leslie Knope Runs for City Council on Parks and Rec.  The major plot arc of the show's excellent fourth season features Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope running for the city council of Pawnee, Indiana.  The campaign is full of bumps along the road, including a scene in which the show's main cast, including a three-legged dog named Champion, slide across an ice rink to the tune of Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet"... or at least the first fifteen seconds of the song.  Oh, and did I mention Paul Rudd plays her lovable idiot of an opponent, Bobby Newport.

There, that should be enough to take your mind off the election at hand, or at the very least distract you as you watch the votes and guesses trickle in as the day goes by.

Remember to vote your heart!

Halloweek Day 4 - Candy

No doubt this is the latest "Morning" Report transmission yet, but I promised you candy for Hallow's Eve Eve, and a promise is a promise.  But before we begin with the tooth-rot, I wanted to drop a quick thank you to all who responded to the reader-submission distributed yesterday.  I will be sending the submitter anonymous versions of this feedback, in a few cases connecting people who have never met and have no real connections save for this report.  How neat!

There are so many ways to address the topic of Halloween Candy.  There's the decision of what candy to purchase, the matter of distribution and trick or treater selection, the all-important post-treating trade, and the consumption itself.  Let's address them all in order.

Buyer Beware 
Let's start by getting something very important out of the way:  No apples.  And while we're at it, no raisins, either.  Unless you're Chris Traeger.  We're talking candy here, the bigger the better.  Seriously, if you're an adult with some space in your budget, go King Size.  Become Legend.  But if you're still not sure what to get, go for one of these top treats but avoid these ones.  And while Reese's holds the top spot, remember that peanut allergies are on the rise.  As a kid who trick-or-treated for years with a friend who had a major peanut allergy, I strongly encourage setting aside some peanut-free candies for any peanut-free kids who come to your door.  The worst thing that happens? You have left over candy.

Take One, Huh? 
So you bought your candy, but you're not gonna be there to hand it out.  (Just because you're dressed as the dead doesn't mean you are dead!  You have a social life.)  Obvious solution:  The classic "Please Take One" sign.  Just know that this method doesn't always work.  And when it doesn't, things could get out of hand...

Tricky Treats 
With the candy in the bowl by the door, let's switch perspectives to that of the costumed scavengers roaming the neighborhood.  No doubt you disguised nomads know what you're after.  (And, again, it's not apples.)  The Report has already addressed the risk of getting rocks.  But heed this sonnet well:  There could be worse things lurking in the plastic pumpkin heads, waiting to be dumped out onto the living room floor for the next portion of the evening.

Sack and Pumpkinhead 500: Trading Floor
 Perhaps the most important part of the Halloween celebration is the great trade.  No doubt some of your investments were made in haste, or the house next door was out of your candy of choice, or you've just got way too many Kit-Kats.  (Gimme a break, indeed!)  Don't worry, after the selections are made and the Sacks and Pumpkinheads are emptied, you've got the trading floor to solve this problem.  A classic case of take two Now and Later trade for better.  (Unless you actually got a Now and Later.  Good luck trading that away.)  If you think the stock trade parallel is too generous for the candy barter system, it's clear you haven't been on the trading floor in a long time.  It's serious business.  This informational video has a bit more fun with it, though does offer some good tips.  Oh, and if you got an apple... Seriously, just throw it out.  (And skip that house next year.)

TrEAT 
Not much advice to give here.  Go to town.  Seriously, pig out.  You've only got so many days to eat all this before people start saying, "Still eating Halloween candy," with arched eyebrows.  Better to get it all (into and) out of your system at once.  Just remember... There are a few wrong ways to eat a Reese's.

That's all I've got.  If you take only one thing out of this Report, please let it be this: NO APPLES.

Tomorrow we'll celebrate the day with some spooky tales and, more importantly, we'll see if the Great Pumpkin has brought us anything good as the final Halloweek Report banner is unveiled!

Til then, Happy Hallow's Eve Eve!