Final Countdown Day 5 - Real Shoddy Narrating

The Great Experiment concludes!  This is the series finale of our 5 part Final Countdown to the Arrested Development Season 4 premale.

Whereas Day 3 of the Final Countdown focused on minor characters, our finale focuses on an actor who, while he only appears in one episode, is a vocal presence in every episode of the series.  Child star turned teen star turned successful film director and producer, Ron Howard holds the vocal reins of Arrested Development as the show's narrator. Whether he's correcting GOB or criticizing the narrator of Scandalmakers, Howard gets some of the show's best jokes. And some of these reference previous points of Howard's career.

In the Season 1 episode Public Relations, for example, Ron gets to make a crack about his time on The Andy Griffith Show. When Jessie the publicist pejoratively refers to George-Michael as Opie, Howard's narration warns that "she had best watch her mouth."  Howard, of course, started his career playing young Opie on The Andy Griffith Show. Andy Griffith earns another shout out when the Bluths try to hire him as a fake lawyer given his work on Matlock, but leaves suspecting the Bluths are making fun of him with their cabin-car. The narrator stresses "No one was making fun of Andy Griffith."

But his influence on the show extends far beyond his voice and jokes about his childhood stardom. Ron Howard plays the nepotism card. For starters, there's conservationist and tree-dweller Johnny Bark, played by Ron's own brother! But that's just a one episode part. For more significant parts, we turn to Howard's former Happy Days co-stars. Most prominently, there's Barry Zuckercorn, played by Henry Winkler, famous for the Happy Days character Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli.

Arrested's writers take advantage of the Fonz's fame plenty, too. Most obviously there is the moment he strikes his iconic "no-comb-required" pose in a bathroom mirror. Then another iconic Fonz moment gets recreated when the Bluths track down the shark that ate the flipper of the seal that ate the hand of Buster. After discussing the situation (that the seal itself was still missing), Barry jumps over the shark, referencing the most infamous scene in Happy Days history.

The final joke about the Fonz is actually delivered by a character who isn't Barry Zuckerkorn. In Season 3, the Bluths family replaces Barry with the law-blogging Bob Loblaw, played by Scott Baio. Baio originally came into stardom on... You guessed it, Happy Days, where he was brought in as the Fonz's cousin Charles "Chachi" Arcola in the show's fifth season (actually just two episodes before the Fonz jumped the shark). Chachi quickly earned positive reviews from young teenage girls, basically replacing the older Winkler as the show's young heartthrob. Loblaw references this when he tells the Bluths "Look, this is not the first time I've been brought in to replace Barry Zuckerkorn. I think I can do for you everything he did. Plus, skew younger. With juries and so forth."

In the end, Ron Howard does finally make an appearance... as Ron Howard!  The series finale features one final "On the Next Arrested Development," this time called "On the Epilogue of Arrested Development." Here, Ron Howard plays himself as a film executive hearing Maeby pitch the story of her family.  Howard's response has been talked about by fans for years:  "I don't see it as a series... Maybe a movie."

Those ten words have kept fans hoping for years that an Arrested Development film would be released.  And on May 26th the wait is over... Only unlike Ron Howard, we see it as a series.

Enjoy it!  It's Arrested Development.

"He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show's narrator was known for." - The Narrator, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 4 - The Most Lavish Party

Another entry in the Great Experiment, in which we release all of our Arrested Development reports at once, Netflix style!

Up to this point, we've refreshed our knowledge on running jokes and minor characters.  With that refresher course, you're just about ready to host your Arrested Development Season 4 Party.  The only thing left to plan is the party itself.

There's no shortage of sites right now that will give you all the party planning advice you need.  VH1 is in on the action with the most basic list.  "Booze, banners, balloons," to start things off almost sounds like a Schrutian reference to another recently concluded sitcom.  Their friendly reminder to have guests show up is also a nice way to revisit the one time in 53 episodes that you sort of feel bad for Lucille.  Boston.com has a pretty solid list that covers attire, food, and activities.  Buzzfeed even helps you out with making some of the less appealing Arrested food items a little more palatable, modifying the recipe for that Bluth family favorite, Hot Ham Water.  The Huffington Post also has great food suggestions, while Brightest Young Things riffs on the characters names instead of the show's menu.

To save you some time exploring all the different party suggestions, here's a rough outline of what to expect when I finally get around to holding mine.  (It's gonna be a re-viewing party a couple weeks after the premiere.  Mark your calendars, book your flights!)

COSTUMES

You'd better be wearing one.  I'm not asking you to blue yourself or find something that says "Dad loves leather," even the slightest costume will do.  Toss on some cut-offs and glasses and come as Tobias.  Tie some scarves together, clutch a knife in your teeth and you're a magician called GOB.  Put on your high-fastening pants and slide your hand up your sleeve, boom, you're Buster!  And finally, an excuse to whip out theSLUT t-shirt you've had tucked away in your closet all these years.  Just don't wear the elephant broach -- you don't want to invite the comparison.

DECOR

First of all, the banner is a must.  While "FAMILY LOVE MICHAEL" is nice, I'm partial to "You're killing me, Buster." Ambitious hosts can turn their stairs into a staircar and build a model home homefill warhead to put in the secret room.  Disguise your bathroom as the Aztec Tomb!  And be sure to clean the attic in case anyone goes up there to have pop-pop.

ACTIVITIES

Sure the highlight of the night will be 15 new episodes of Arrested Development, but you probably want to warm-up a bit.  Sandracing and marksmanship are good group activities, just be sure to have the proper awards.  A rousing game of "Pin the Eyebrow on Stan Sitwell" makes for good fun, too.  And if the urge to dance hits you, might I suggest the chicken dance?  Karaoke is always good family fun, too.

FOOD

Here's what's going to make or break your Arrested party.  You've got plenty to choose from, choose wisely!

• Candy Beans - Make sure you have an extra bowl, just in case something goes wrong with Sitwell's eyebrows.
• Frozen Bananas - Obviously.  But remember, 10 cents gets you nuts.  And watch out for Mr. Banana-grabber.
• Ice cream sandwiches - Go ahead, have a love affair with one!
• Hot Ham Water - Served watery, but with a smack of ham.
• Cornballs - For a danger-filled activity, invite guests to make their own cornballs.
• Fried cheese and other dippable food items... With club sauce.
• Skip's Scramble - Don't order the Skip's Scramble.
• Cereal - Serve in an ash tray.
• Mayon-egg - Step 1. Take a packet of mayonaise... It's so cute.

DRINK

Here are a few character-based beverages you can offer your guests.  Just be sure to finish all the bottles before the night ends so the booze doesn't go bad.  You're guests will leave tipsier than Lucille Austero!

• Tobias Is Queen Mary - 1 part (Cloudmir) vodka, 1 part blue curaçao, 2 parts cranberry juice, serve with sugar rim to imitate diamond cream. 
• Buster - Unlimited juice, great for the designated rivers and a guarantee that your party will be off the hook!
• The George-Michael - Skip the drinks and smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.
• The Lucille - A vodka rocks and a piece of toast.

On the Next Morning Report: We learn more about the one narrator who had the voice to keep them all together.

"Michael, you haven’t heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday." - Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 3 - Them?

The Great Experiment continues!  Like Netflix, we're distributing all of our remaining Arrested Development Reports in one go!

While it's the "family who lost everything" that keeps Arrested Development moving forward with their quarrels, neuroses, and huge mistakes, some the greatest laughs of the series come from their interactions with the show's supporting characters.  Buzzfeed has put together a great rundown of their 30 Greatest Arrested Development Guest Stars which should refresh your memory about the show's many smaller characters, from Annyong to Zuckercorn and every letter in between.

The problem I have with this list, though, is that it pits one or two episode characters like Cindy Lightballoon against characters like Lucille Austero, who appear in nearly a quarter of the series.  So, I've taken to ranking my top five supporting characters based on how long they spend on the show, from small (1-3 episodes), medium (4-9 episodes), and large (10 or more episodes) arcs.

Small:

Honorable Mentions:  Edna W., Ms. Barely, and Nazhgalia

5.  Uncle Jack - Martin Short as a paralyzed man carried by his goon Dragon has the best single episode appearance in the series.  "Swoop me!" 

4.  Tony Wonder - This magician played by Ben Stiller could produce Hanukkah cookies and subway club coupons from his body and appear from nowhere (or a dumbwaiter) just at the word "Wonder."

3.  Cindy Lightballoon - Who but this great redwood of a whore, played by Jane Lynch, could have gotten Lucille to say "It looked like you were tweaking her nipples through a chainlink fence."

2.  Gene Parmesan - Though he's far from the best, whether he was a fireman or some idiot with balloons, he always got us again.  

1.  J. Walter Weatherman - Though only appearing in two episodes, the life lessons ("That's why you always leave a note") of this one armed man influence the whole series.  It's too bad they killed him when they left the door open with the air conditioner on.

Medium:

Honorable Mentions: Marta, Stan Sitwell

5.  Tie: Bob Loblaw and Wayne Jarvis - One is an alternative to double-talk and keeps a law blog.  The other was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.  (He did not find their buffoonery amusing.)  These two attorneys give Barry Zuckerkorn a run for his money and keep the laughs coming.

4.  Wife of GOB - First you've got the biblical allusion and the double-joke that she was played by Will Arnett's then wife Amy Poehler.  Add to that her seal sales and love for pastel sweaters and Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution and you've got a woman any man would be lucky to marry in a series of escalating dares.

3.  Rita - Sure not everyone likes the For British Eyes Only arc, but what can I say, I'm crazy for the little dullard from Wee Britain.

2.  Maggie Lizer - In one arc blind (NOT!), in one arc pregnant (NOT!) Julia Louis-Dreyfus made a great prosecutor.

1.  Kitty Sanchez - Judy Greer does an Sure last time we saw her we thought it was "the last time," but I have a feeling we'll be saying goodbye to these ( . )( * ) again in Season 4.

Large:

Honorable Mentions: Annyong, John Beard (the news anchor)

5.  Lupe - For her holiday sweaters and her dustbustering, we'd give her an Onion and a ball of foil for her son any day.

4.  Steve Holt! - Sure he doesn't even know who his father is, but we love him just as much as Maeby does.  

3.  Ann Veal - Her?

2.  Lucille Austero - Her relationships with multiple Bluth boys (with club sauce) and her vertigo gave Liza Minelli plenty to play with in creating Lucille 2.

1.  Barry Zuckerkorn - He's the worst f*cking attorney, with a questionable social life, but his Fonz references and ability to recognize close-up photos of balls make him worth keeping around, even if he can't take the time to read plea bargains.

Hopefully we'll be seeing some of these characters returning in Season 4!

On the Next Morning Report: You can't have a party without ICE.

"And that's why you don't teach lessons to your son." - J. Walter Weatherman, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 2 - Hotcops and Candybeans

Heeeey, Readers,

While there was no Report yesterday, I'm going to try something out to make up for that fact.  In the spirit of Netflix releasing all 15 new episodes of Arrested Development at once on the 26th, I'm distributing all of the Final Countdown reports at the same time (or within a few minutes of each other... I'm not a machine).  Will you read them all at once or spread them out throughout the remaining days?  Or perhaps you will ignore them all!  Let the great experiment begin!

Not so much in the spirit of Arrested, though, I'm going to follow-up on what was promised "On the next Morning Report" by actually including the promised deeper analysis in this issue, something Mitch Hurwitz and the gang rarely did.  As any fan of the show can tell you, many of the jokes in Arrested are incredibly complex and referential, which is a major part of what makes repeat viewing so rewarding.  There is always something new to find.

First, there are the jokes that recur throughout the series.  The staircar and the Cornballer; Annyong, Steve Holt!, and Ann Veal (her?); Les Cousins Dangereux and Pop-Pop in the attic... The list goes on and on and stretches across the show's 53 episodes, making for some great re-viewing.  For instance, try to pick-up on how early hooks and missing hands start showing up!  Or have someone else do the work for you, like NPR has done here in an incredible guide to all of the show's recurring jokes.  While some are scattered throughout, others last only for a story arc (e.g., For British Eyes Only).  Most interesting of all, though, are the ones that appear as nearly straight lines across the entire series, specifically the staircar and Tobias being gay.  DC resident Adam Cole put the piece together for NPR and described his process and inspiration in an interview with Poynter.  He claims not to be a "superfan," but the infographic begs to differ.

Not included in Cole's graphic, though, are the subtle non-repeated jokes, most of which are nods to the world outside of the show.  Splitsider has captured not only 53 of these subtle jokes (that they claim you "Probably Missed," but I bet a lot of you have caught a lot of them -- you're smart people), but also 53 MORE of them!  I'm a huge fan of the stills they've captured of the articles, websites, and letters, which I've always been too lazy to pause and read myself.  And the "Make-up artist for freckles" credit has always been one of my favorites, as well as Tobias posing to match the photo of George-Michael.

There are tons of others that I love that didn't make the cut in those 106... Apparently the folks at Splitsider are not also Happy Days fans... But we'll get to that later.

On the Next Morning Report: Frightened Inmate #2 gets some company as other supporting characters take the lead.

"Annyong." - Annyong, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 1 - It's Arrested Development

Take a look at banner, readers!

The "T" looks like a staircar hop-on, the "I" is an idiot on a scooter (it's gotta be GOB), and the sun just blue itself.  Most of our readership will probably recognize these banner changes as signs that the Report is gearing up to countdown to the May 26 return of Arrested Development!

So apologies to the readers who haven't seen Arrested Development before, as the next few issues of the Report won't make much sense to you.  They'll be chock-full of references (Allusions! References are something a book makes for copyright purposes.) like that parenthetical.  So, while you could just ignore the Report this week, I would advise you to correct the huge mistake you've made by avoiding this show and find a way to watch it!

Over the course of this week, I'm going to use my (at least) five viewings of the series and the Internet to offer up a veritable Skip's Scramble of Arrested clips, quotes, trivia, links, and more, all leading up to the Season 4 premiere/finale (premale?) on Sunday.  Because with all 14 episodes going online at once, you're lying if you say you don't plan on watching them all in one go.

Today I'm just going to ease into things with some video compilations of classic moments from the show.  I don't want to prematurely shoot my wad!  (There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.)

First, Arrested Development's 200 Greatest Quotes according to... Whoever made this video.  No doubt they missed some of your favorites, and some of the punchlines are presented without set-ups or vice versa, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks there.  My favorite made the cut, though.  What is it?  "I don't understand the question, and I won't respond."

Those 200 Quotes are already pretty heavily dominated by two characters, but here's some clips of two fan favorites:  First, the Bluth family matriarch, Lucille.  Captured here and not in the quotes are her amazing winks.  Then, of course, there's Tobias, known for the many lines in which he puts his foot in his mouth.  (Or maybe it's those meaty leading man parts he's putting in there...)  Once again, some physical humor that should not be overlooked is included, specifically the water cooler and Mrs. Featherbottom prat falls.  

That's all for today!  

On the Next Morning Report:  Evan offers up some deeper analysis of the shows jokes and references.

"And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together... It's Arrested Development." - Ron Howard, Arrested Development

Pageantry Day 2 - Here Comes Bunny Boo Boo

Night one of pageantry is over, and while two nights still remain, it came with it's own exciting finale (like a season of Lost or something).  At the end of each night, they award trophies to the winners of Best Talent and Best Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit... And I came home with a trophy!  Yes, though my outfit choice was deemed unorthodox by some, I brought home the Best Swimsuit Trophy for the night!  Okay, yes, I was bringing it home for Sarah who won it last night.  Tonight, she'll be competing in talent and on-stage interview, so be sure to send good thoughts her way!

In the meantime, as the Hoovers get further across the banner (what will happen when they reach their destination tomorrow?) we dive further into the web world of pageantry.  Entertainment Weekly put together a list of their top beauty pageant movies, adding eight more to the two we covered yesterday.  I've only ever heard of To Wong Foo... and I Know What You Did Last Summer, but Happy, Texas sounds worth tossing on the Netflix queue.  It's worth noting that the movies are presented in chronological order, though I would argue that results in saving the best for last.  But Little Miss Sunshine came out in 2006.  Where have the big screen queens of the pageant world been since then?

The answer: The screen has shrunk and so have the queens.  TLC's terrifying hit series Toddlers & Tiaras premiered in January 2009 and is now in its fifth season.  While I haven't seen a single episode, the ads have been enough to tell me what it's about (parents play competitive dress-up with real live human children!) and that I never want to watch a full episode.  Curious as I am to find out if six year old Catlyn does indeed grow up to be a "princes in a big castle," I don't have the patience to stick around for the full series to find out.  Then, of course, there's the ubiquitous spin-off Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which follows one contestant and her family in the world outside of pageantry.  Again, I'm not watching, but one promo clip of Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson from the original series suggests inspiration from a scene of legendary drunk dancing prowess from a TV show I actually watch.  (Jump to the 55 second mark of the Honey Boo Boo clip to see what I mean.  Seriously. Check it out. It's uncanny.)

More adorable and less terrifying than all of those toddlers and their tiaras, though, comes from my new favorite Twitter account, @MyRabbitGotSwag.  A series of photos of a rabbit with stuff on it, this account picked up 100,000 followers like it was nothing.  Bunny Boo Boo in her (his?) tiara is the most relevant for today's events, but Pocahontas on the lookout is my favorite.

That's all for today!  We'll be back tomorrow with the results of Day 2, a preview of Day 3, and more things that are somehow tangentially related a little bit to pageants.  For now, it's time to start pushing the van again.  (Gotta remember to park that thing on a hill.)

"No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding, soldier, outstanding!" - Steve Carell as Frank in Little Miss Sunshine

Rural Jurors, Mystic Pizzas, and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

By all accounts, today's Report should start in October 11, 2006, when Tina Fey's Liz Lemon bought hot dogs for everyone in New York in the 30 Rock premiere.  But it doesn't.  Because, like so many college kids, I was late to the party.

Instead, it starts four years and eleven months ago, in the end of February 2008, in the office of my Intro to Film professor, asking for some guidance on my paper on Hitchcock's Notorious, but also for advice on a birthday gift for my roommate Andrew (among our subscribers!).  I explained to her that we had just watched and loved Arrested Development, so a season of a similar show would be good.  (Netflix streaming hadn't really taken off yet...)  She recommended 30 Rock, if he hadn't already seen it.  I told her I hadn't seen it, and I was told to leave her office and not come back until I had watched the first several episodes.  A few hours later, I was wrapping a gift purchased at a now extinct mall, and a few days later I began my weird relationship with Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy, Kenneth Parcell, and all the rest of the 30 Rock gang.

It hasn't been a steady relationship... After the rapid binge consumption of the first season, Andrew and I worked our way toward catching up on the second.  Eventually, we were watching in real time, or at the very least day-after-Hulu-time.  And for a year or so, that's how it was with me and 30 Rock.  But eventually I lost track of the gang at TGS, and stopped watching for a few months, only to binge on Hulu or Netflix, consuming four, five, six episodes at a time.  Still, I watched and loved every episode of the quirky comedy, some more than others, so I find myself watching the final episode a bit mournfully, but glad that it won't be driven into the ground like some NBC shows wrapping up this year.

With its references, quirks, absurd antics, and hilarious celebrity cameos, the show is much loved by the Internet community, and lots of sites are compiling lists and reflections on its seven seasons.  A.V. Club suggests ten episodes that best demonstrate how 30 Rock changed the sitcom landscape, while Buzzfeed does its thing with lists of the 30 best jokes and the 50 most important lessons of the show (though they somehow forget Jenna's classic "We're all models west of the Allegheny).  Vulture gets creative by putting together nine classic jokes as infographics, then goes on to nail it with its top ten episodes, identifying "Tracy Does Conan" as the best episode.

For those who don't remember what happens from episode title to episode title, let me list some highlights that prove that this first season episode is the best of the series:  A flashback in which Tracy attacks Conan as a "stabbing robot;" Rachel Dratch's cameo (one of many) when Tracy hallucinates alittle blue dude; Jack coining the term "mind-grapes," which Tracy then casually uses; Dr. Leo 'Medicine's Not A Science' Spaceman's his first appearance; an allusion to Liz's past relationship with Conan O'Brien; Kenneth's battle with four Rite-Drugs at the same intersection; Jenna promo-ing her completely unpronounceable film "The Rural Juror;" an appearance by Aubrey Plaza; and Jack delivering his best line of the series.

And speaking of "The Rural Juror," references to fictional films, television shows, and songs are what I'll always most fondly remember about the show.  They're collected here, but I've listed my top ten below:

10. Los Amantes Clandestinos -- The Puerto Rican soap opera featuring a villain that bears an uncanny resemblance to Jack

9. Homonym -- The gameshow where it's always the other one.

8. Martin Luther King Day -- The star-filled hit from the maker of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve earns bonus points for featuring clips from Love, Actually, too.

7. Bitch Hunter -- Will Ferrell's wildly offensive show is exactly what it sounds like, and is the reason Liz got to produce The Girlie Show

6. MILF Island -- The Survivor parody featured the tagline: "25 Superhot Moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."

5. Gold Case -- Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.  But gold's real heavy...

4. Mystic Pizza, the Musical -- "When life keeps handing you anchovies, just cover them up with some extra cheese and make a pizza, life is a pizza..."

3. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah -- "Spooky, scary, boys becoming men, men becoming wolves..."

2. The Rural Juror -- The true story of Rory Journer, whose pure furor endures a terrible murder

1. The Girlie Show with Tracy Jordan -- The show that brought the 30 Rock cast together for seven seasons of quality comedy, coming back for one final episode in the series finale.

And now I'm working on my night cheese halfway through the finale of one of my favorite real TV shows, saying goodbye to Jack, Liz, Tracy, Jenna, Kenneth, Pete, and the gang.  But only after having earlier revisited that first behind the scenes look at The Girlie Show.

It wasn't HBO.  It was TV.  And I loved every episode.

Vote Your Heart Out

 
Good Morning and Happy Election Day!

For the past 19 months we've been dealing with this election.  Speeches, debates, ads, primary votes, more ads, more debates, more ads, more speeches, more ads, ads, ADS, ADS, ADS!  But now, today, it ends.  And how it will end is really anyone's guess, as every newspaper, blog, and television news source say.  But the important thing is it ends.  Tomorrow, politicking stops (for a little while), the signs will come down, offices and Facebook and Twitter will become a bit more bearable, Daily Show and Colbert Report viewership will drop ever so slightly, and the advertisers will Super Pack their bags and leave.  But I say, why wait?  Today's Report is going to celebrate the awesomeness of my top ten elections/campaigns to ever hit popular culture.

10.  Pedro Runs for Class President in Napoleon Dynamite.  I bought this movie for my sister for Christmas the year it came out under the stipulation that she could never force me to watch it.  To this day, I have not watched it, though I have seen many-a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.  That said, Wikipedia informs me that Pedro wins the election, apparently buoyed to success by this dance.

9.  The Blue M&M.  In 1995, candy company Mars, Incorporated ran a promotion in which M&M lovers (read: everyone) could vote to pick the M&M that would replace tan in the new bag.  (Did you even remember that there was a tan M&M? I didn't!)  The candidates were blue, pink, and purple.  Blue would win, and it was during the Blue M&M Campaign that Mars introduced the talking M&M personalities.

8.  Snoopy in the Song "Snoopy for President." Though it was Linus who ran in for school president in the comics, it was Snoopy who ran for President of the United States in a song by the Royal Guardsmen.  This wasn't the first song the Guardsmen had sung about the iconic beagle; we'll see another as Christmas approaches.  This one does feature a cameos from the Great Pumpkin and Snoopy's classic rival the Red Baron who somehow manages to vote in a U.S. election.  I sense voter fraud...

7.  Claire Dunphy Runs for City Council on Modern Family.  When Claire Dunphy gets fed-up with an absolutely awful city council member played perfectly by David Cross, she decides to run against him in the election.  The humor for this election comes first from Claire's preparations for the debate with her overly critical family.  The real gem of the campaign, though, comes when a town hall meeting falls apart, gets autotuned, and goes viral.  What's the plan, Phil? 

6.  Mike Morris' Primary Campaign in The Ides of March.  2011was Hollywood's year of the Gosling, as he starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; and the political thriller, The Ides of March.  Ides was adapted from the Beau Willimon's stageplay Farragut West and features Gosling as an idealistic young campaign staffer for Democratic candidate hopeful Mike Morris, played by George Clooney, who also directed the film.  The film's got an all-star supporting cast that includes a ten second sequence toward the opening where you see both Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Paul Giamatti and get to go "They're in this?!"  And that's not even mentioning Marisa Tomei; girl-named-Evan, Evan Rachel Wood; and oft-recognized, not named often enough Jeffrey Wright.  A superb, albeit bleak portrait of gamesmanship versus ideals in American politics.

5.  Avenue Q's Rod Votes for Rotary Club President.  Every musical that gets nominated for Best Musical at Broadways Tony's gets to perform for the... I don't know... dozens? of viewers nationwide watching at home on TV.  Most of them choose to perform a number from the show, but the puppet-parody of Sesame Street, Avenue Q stood out in the 2004 Tony awards when it performed an original scene called "Rod's Dilemma," in which the show's Bert parallel Rod votes for the officer of his rotary club.  The dilemma segues into a brilliant musical number called "Vote Your Heart."  The subliminal messaging of the song seemed to pay off, too, since Avenue Q took home the trophy that year!

4.  The Election in Election.  Simply put, this is an amazing movie.  Reese Witherspoon stars as student Tracy Flick in her run for student body president.  While Flick is initially running unopposed, civics teacher Jim McAllister, played by Matthew Broderick, brings popular football player (is there any other type of cinematic high school football player?) Paul Metzler into the race, and Metzler's lesbian sister Tammy soon follows.  High school politics, extramarital affairs, cupcakes, swollen eyes, and civic duty all come together in this near perfect dark comedy, anchored by the best performance of Reese Witherspoon's career.

3.  George Michael Bluth, Steve Holt, and Rov Nadir Run for Student Body President in Arrested Development.  Arrested Development's student body president election episode, "Immaculate Election," holds up strong in the show's record of strong episodes.  It features fan-favorite minor characters Ann Veal (her?) and Steve Holt, along with appearances from Mrs. Featherbottom and George Michael's Star Wars kid freakout.  The campaign videos are great, though the color commentary provided by GOB in the episode itself is even better.  George Michael's video is a stark contrast to his original campaign slogan, Voting In Righteous George Michael Is Noble.  Good thing they sacrificed the whole V.I.R.G.I.N. thing.

2.  Turd Sandwich Vs Giant Douche on South Park.  When PETA protests South Park Elementary's cow mascot, the school lets the students nominate a new mascot and two candidates come out on top to take each other on.  The Turd Sandwich battles the Giant Douche for school mascot, leaving Stan disenfranchised by the political process.  In brilliantly vulgar satire (the episode was released just before the 2004 election), Stan is kicked out of town when he decides that given the choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, he'd rather not vote at all.  Of course the real question is which one is funnier?

1.  Leslie Knope Runs for City Council on Parks and Rec.  The major plot arc of the show's excellent fourth season features Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope running for the city council of Pawnee, Indiana.  The campaign is full of bumps along the road, including a scene in which the show's main cast, including a three-legged dog named Champion, slide across an ice rink to the tune of Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet"... or at least the first fifteen seconds of the song.  Oh, and did I mention Paul Rudd plays her lovable idiot of an opponent, Bobby Newport.

There, that should be enough to take your mind off the election at hand, or at the very least distract you as you watch the votes and guesses trickle in as the day goes by.

Remember to vote your heart!

Halloweek Day 5 - All Hallow's Report

It's here!  The day we've been waiting for all Halloweek!  The day we get to see what the Great Pumpkin brought the Report.  Gifts?!  Candy?!  Are we the most faithful pumpkin patch, or -- AUGH!  Wait!  That's not the Great Pumpkin!  We've been tricked!  We waited all week and all we got was a stupid beagle!  Drats!  Well, there's always next year...

For now, I'll try to make it up to you with a ton of Halloween links! Let's celebrate the day with some scary stories, music, and movies...

Stories 
While I hope by now all readers affected by Hurricane Sandy have had their power restored, those living by candlelight have the perfect atmosphere for reading a few scary stories.  You could choose to go the classic route, with a story by Poe.  I would recommend "The Tell-Tale Heart" or, my all-time favorite, "The Cask of Amontillado."  You could plunge into some 90s elementary school nostalgia and check out a copy of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, though just the illustrations are enough to give you nightmares for all of November.  For more modern, longer reads, I recommend checking out Mark Z. Danielewski's newest book, The Fifty Year Sword or, longer yet, the haunting and incredible House of Leaves.  Or for a free read, check out these free and classic downloads compiled by GalleyCat for Neil Gaiman's brilliant "All Hallow's Read."  But really, you can't go wrong with just making up some spooky stories of your own.  Just remember to start them off with "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society..."

Music
 Sure, radio stations and department stores are already playing Christmas music.  But that doesn't mean we can't celebrate the Pumpkin Carols and haunting tunes of this holiday first.  Problem is... There aren't too many.  Sure we can do the Mash and Thriller.  And a few movie tunes work to remind us Who We Gonna Call, since This Is Halloween.  These lack something of the classic holiday feel that Christmas Carols have, even when sung by Bing Crosby.  (Who knew he had a Halloween song?!)  My favorite, though?  The modern 30 Rock classic, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!
 
Movies 
What this holiday lacks in music it makes up for in movies.  You can get away with any horror movie and justify it, but I think there should be a bit more specificity.  It doesn't exactly make sense to justify watching a Friday the 13th film because it's Wednesday the 31st...  Any of the many Universal Monster movies are solid choices, and even offer some non-scary options for the 'fraidy cats out there.  If the monster connection isn't substantial enough for you, though, you can get Halloween-specific.  We've already called out Nightmare Before Christmas above, but what about other Disney classics like Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus.  For those looking for something a little more mature, I recommend Trick 'r Treat.  It's an excellent blend of horror and comedy (Trick AND Treat!) that has all the making of a tragically overlooked modern classic.

And that's a wrap for the Report's coverage of Halloweek.  Too bad we got tricked by that stupid beagle.  But keep the faith and maybe next year we'll prove worthy of a visit from the Great Pumpkin himself!

Tomorrow we'll return to classic reporting...  I've got a whole lot of great non-Halloween materials that we've missed over the past week.

Til then, Happy Haunting!

Halloweek Day 4 - Candy

No doubt this is the latest "Morning" Report transmission yet, but I promised you candy for Hallow's Eve Eve, and a promise is a promise.  But before we begin with the tooth-rot, I wanted to drop a quick thank you to all who responded to the reader-submission distributed yesterday.  I will be sending the submitter anonymous versions of this feedback, in a few cases connecting people who have never met and have no real connections save for this report.  How neat!

There are so many ways to address the topic of Halloween Candy.  There's the decision of what candy to purchase, the matter of distribution and trick or treater selection, the all-important post-treating trade, and the consumption itself.  Let's address them all in order.

Buyer Beware 
Let's start by getting something very important out of the way:  No apples.  And while we're at it, no raisins, either.  Unless you're Chris Traeger.  We're talking candy here, the bigger the better.  Seriously, if you're an adult with some space in your budget, go King Size.  Become Legend.  But if you're still not sure what to get, go for one of these top treats but avoid these ones.  And while Reese's holds the top spot, remember that peanut allergies are on the rise.  As a kid who trick-or-treated for years with a friend who had a major peanut allergy, I strongly encourage setting aside some peanut-free candies for any peanut-free kids who come to your door.  The worst thing that happens? You have left over candy.

Take One, Huh? 
So you bought your candy, but you're not gonna be there to hand it out.  (Just because you're dressed as the dead doesn't mean you are dead!  You have a social life.)  Obvious solution:  The classic "Please Take One" sign.  Just know that this method doesn't always work.  And when it doesn't, things could get out of hand...

Tricky Treats 
With the candy in the bowl by the door, let's switch perspectives to that of the costumed scavengers roaming the neighborhood.  No doubt you disguised nomads know what you're after.  (And, again, it's not apples.)  The Report has already addressed the risk of getting rocks.  But heed this sonnet well:  There could be worse things lurking in the plastic pumpkin heads, waiting to be dumped out onto the living room floor for the next portion of the evening.

Sack and Pumpkinhead 500: Trading Floor
 Perhaps the most important part of the Halloween celebration is the great trade.  No doubt some of your investments were made in haste, or the house next door was out of your candy of choice, or you've just got way too many Kit-Kats.  (Gimme a break, indeed!)  Don't worry, after the selections are made and the Sacks and Pumpkinheads are emptied, you've got the trading floor to solve this problem.  A classic case of take two Now and Later trade for better.  (Unless you actually got a Now and Later.  Good luck trading that away.)  If you think the stock trade parallel is too generous for the candy barter system, it's clear you haven't been on the trading floor in a long time.  It's serious business.  This informational video has a bit more fun with it, though does offer some good tips.  Oh, and if you got an apple... Seriously, just throw it out.  (And skip that house next year.)

TrEAT 
Not much advice to give here.  Go to town.  Seriously, pig out.  You've only got so many days to eat all this before people start saying, "Still eating Halloween candy," with arched eyebrows.  Better to get it all (into and) out of your system at once.  Just remember... There are a few wrong ways to eat a Reese's.

That's all I've got.  If you take only one thing out of this Report, please let it be this: NO APPLES.

Tomorrow we'll celebrate the day with some spooky tales and, more importantly, we'll see if the Great Pumpkin has brought us anything good as the final Halloweek Report banner is unveiled!

Til then, Happy Hallow's Eve Eve!

Travel By Balloon!

Originally, I had planned for today to involve a movie poster follow-up to yesterday's book cover bonanza.  However, webcomic xkcd intervened with a piece of elaborate brilliance that has detoured the original plans.  xkcd's most recent entry initially appears to simply be one of the comic's more sad, reflective pieces, presenting a big, sad, wonderful world. It's only when you follow the piece's title and mouse-over suggestion that you get a sense for how big the world that the balloonist refers to really is.  The comic is some sort of TARDIS/House of Leaves madness, featuring a panel bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.  Much bigger.  Estimated to be 14 feet bigger.  And while I encourage you to click and drag your way around the world at the original site, I acknowledge that we all have things to accomplish today.  So, consider saving time with this zoomable version of the piece.  Or, if you really want to see what's cool, but really don't want to click around, Mashable has put together a slideshow of the comic's highlights.  The pop-culture references are great, particularly the Pokemon and Oregon Trail shoutouts.  My favorite parts, though, are the whale and the tire swing.
 
Not all balloons are ideal for travel, though.  Some are dangerous and demonic.  Presented without further comment, Don Hertzfeldt's animated short film Billy's Balloon.
Spend some time today considering all the different sounds that result when two "o's" are next to each other.  It's Moon Bloodgood's birthday!

I wonder where I'll float next...

By Its Cover

Ahoy, and happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!

In today's Report we venture away from the aww-inspiring world of cute animals to tackle more literary concerns.  Don't worry, though, we're not going to get too deep into books here.  In fact, we won't go any further than the cover.

First up, an entertaining post on a blog run for and by parents (not sure how I ended up there...) features a slideshow in which a mother shares book covers with her six-year-old daughter.  The six-year-old then offers her summary of the contents that the book must contain based on the cover and title.  Some of the quotes read true to the contents in a vague and poetic way.  Gatsby is, indeed, "good and evil and he's trying to get rid of the ghosts."  "It doesn't really have a story" rings true for Catcher.    Others miss the mark entirely.  But how awesome would a prospecting Jane Eyre be?  And "a blob of purple that lives in [a] house"?  Please don't read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest to your "kiddies."  I'm also hoping the mother in question corrected her daughter's comment, "I would not read a book about just a tree."
 
It should come as no surprise to readers that book covers hold such an influence on opinion.  If they didn't, where would we get our overused cliché?  Perhaps no one knows this quite as well as cover designer (and novelist) Chip Kidd, seen here giving a humorous TED talk about book cover design.  Kidd is yet another name you may not recognize whose work you definitely know.  (Covers for Jurassic Park, The Road, 1Q84...)  And yet he actually downplays the cliché, having said: "I'm very much against the idea that the cover will sell the book. Marketing departments of publishing houses tend to latch onto this concept and they can't let go. But it's about whether the book itself really connects with the public, and the cover is only a small part of that."  And in a world of online book buying and tiny-covered e-books, he may be onto something.  But I still love my McSweeney's editions of books for the brilliant visual and tactile design of the physical books themselves.
 
Along with talking like pirates, we wish a happy birthday to Jimmy Fallon today.  No doubt whatever song we sing to wish him a happy birthday will be parodied by him shortly thereafter.

Soda Pop-Culture

Strong support yesterday for the adorable story of Joshie, as well as for the scientific method of reporting on the Higgs Boson.  Higgs also inspired last night's (tragically non-winning) trivia team name: "Are You There, God Particle, It's Me, Margaret."  Because, y'know... The Higgs Boson wants to hear all about the Mag's Pre-Teen Problems.
 
Today we move from science to soda.  (Which, in the world of secret recipes and carbonation, is a type of science.)  John Nese shares his obsession with soda (or "pop" or "Coke" to those of you who are wrong/from other regions) in this thirteen minute interview.  Admittedly it's a bit long, but for those of you who work through it, you'll find some interesting trivia and rewarding comments.  Nese getting all worked up about energy drinks is good stuff, but what's really fun is watching his enthusiasm build as he explores his own shelves.  A kid in a candy store has seldom seemed a more appropriate parallel than here with this man in his soda shop.  As one of the few Moxie fans that I know, I was thrilled to learn that it is the only soda name found in the dictionary.  And coffee soda?! What-the-what?!
 
To pair with the refreshing bubbles of soda-pop, we've got a couple of video-game related items.  First, some video games that have been re-created as traditional Japanese art.  Not gonna lie, some of these games are dramatically improved by this art shift.  A Samurai Starfox would have been great, though I'm also a fan of the Wes Anderson take on that world of barrel-rolls.  Pokemon's apparent move to some seedy underbelly of the gambling world exposes the danger and corruption involved in what is essentially dog-fighting (just with more varied breeds).  And following Mario Kart: Double-Dash, I'm surprised Nintendo didn't try to tap transportation nostalgia and draft "Mario Kart: Rickshaw Racers."  Speaking of Mario, here's an excellent map detailing the Mario World of Nesteros.  An entertaining link for Game of Thrones fans, and one which has me searching for "Who-Plays-Who" parallels between the fantasy series and the games.  All I've got is a Peach-esque Daenerys searching all over for three Yoshis that she somehow managed to lose.

JAY! JAY! JAY!  It's Sophia Vergara's birthday and that's got me hungry... Hungry for more Hunger Gaaaaaaaames!

[One reader hoped this Report's title referred to Rob Lowe's classic performance as Sodapop Curtis in The Outsiders.  This led to my proposal of a new weekly report on Rob Lowe's activities, called "The Rob Lowedown."  I also proposed a cute toy / street gang mash-up of My Little Ponyboy.  Neither of these projects materialized.]

Movie Re-Views

Yesterday I drew attention to Mufasa as a great father in the animal kingdom.  Shortly thereafter, I learned of a McSweeney's piece that throws that viewpoint into question.  Here, an antelope wonders why he was invited to the celebration of Simba's birth.  And you know, he's totally right.  Mufasa, the life lessons and self-sacrifice for your son (if that is a spoiler for any reader, shame on you and go watch this movie right now), all that's great, but your leadership skills could use some work.  I get it, he's the prince, these are your subjects, I suppose many royal families through history have had similar ceremonies celebrating the arrival in the world of a new future leader.  But you know what, most of those royal families weren't bringing together a bunch of subjects that ate each other!  This peaceful gathering of animals is not at all standard behavior in the Circle of Life, and that, Mufasa, moves us all.  Your big party here that brings together all the creatures under the sun (rolling high, through the sapphire sky) is screwing with the path unwinding, and it's not cool.  The antelope is right to be anxious, and I'm surprised he can be so eloquent about it, given that there's far too much to take in here.

As long as we're re-evaluating how we view certain classic films, check out this series of behind-the-scenes photos that argues it will do just that.  Hitchcock, too, seems content to upset the natural order of the wild kingdom by giving direction to his own Mufasa in the final photo, which is well worth scrolling past that bug-eyed Harrison Ford, who appears in 25% of the films presented in the list.  Actually, Ford is in my favorite photo from the series, the low-budget Ark of the Covenant.  No wonder it was Lost... It's flat!

And finally, to challenge your view on the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman, here are some smooth stylings by Morgan Freeman.  Out of sight, indeed.  "When I itches, I scratches, when I'm bored, I read matches."  I would love to see a mash-up where Easy Reader stops by Andy's library in Shawshank... But really, it's no surprise that someone with such an affinity for reading should become a world-class narrator.

Feel free to do nothing all day without feeling bad; you'd just be observing the 1978 debut of Garfield, the widely syndicated comic about a lazy cat, and the only comic I know that's infinitely funnier without its title character.  Or, if you just feel like not speaking all day, that's fine, too.  Do it because Paul Dano did it because of Friedrich Nietzsche... Far out.  (And because Paul turns 28 today... Someone get that man a milkshake! Though he might prefer something "a la modie.")

That one's on the house.

Ned Ryerson! Bing! and Ned Ryerson! Bing! and Ned Ryerson! Bing! Morning Report x

Birthday festivities have calmed down here at the Report, and things are returning to normal.  Thank you to all the readers who sent along their birthday wishes in one form or another.  It made for a great day, one which I would not mind repeating, though perhaps not as many times as (soon-to-be-FDR) Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day.

And if I had been born just one day later, I would have had a closer (read: existent) connection to that film.  Today is the birthday of character actor Stephen Tobolowsky, who is perhaps best known for playing Ned! Ned Ryerson! Bing! in Groundhog Day.  But those of you who haven't seen Groundhog Day (you should!) will no doubt recognize Tobolowsky from some film/TV show or another, be it as the head of the KKK in Mississippi Burning, Sammy Jankis in Memento, Sandy Ryerson in Glee, Bob Bishop in Heroes... The list goes on and on.  But my favorite role Tobolowsky plays is himself.  Through the film blog SlashFilm, Tobolowsky releases a ~monthly podcast called The Tobolowsky Files, in which he shares his stories of "life, love, and the entertainment industry."  These aren't tales of "OMG I totally ran into Tom Cruise last week at a restaurant. Totes cray!"  Rather, they are beautifully crafted stories from one of the most gifted, genuine storytellers I have ever heard.  From his childhood adventures with the Dangerous Animals Club to European adventures with his college girlfriend, from reflections on love that merit inclusion in an anniversary toast to discussion of the origins of the name of the band Radiohead, his stories entertain and enlighten.  I'm sure many of you readers have heard me go on about this at length, but I cannot recommend these enough.  Zip over to iTunes, download some of the early episodes, and check him out.

And for those who tune into the report just for the animal factor, don't worry, groundhogs aren't the only critters in today's report.  We've got a whole menagerie of newsworthiness!  Things start off strong with that polar bear, though take a turn toward the scary with the no-way-this-is-legal bull-shot.  Love the chihuahua, hate the snail that follows, and can't believe someone would name a rabbit "Spaghetti."  What a great number of lesser flamingos in 17, and how cute are the babies of 23, 24, 29, and 32?!  My favorite from the bunch, though, is the puppy on parade in 19.  Reminds me of this impressive canine story I stumbled on yesterday.

DC Readers should swing down to the mall to see old Abe; his monument was dedicated 90 years ago today.  Those outside of DC can still find something to celebrate, as Mel Blanc was born 104 years ago today.  Sing him happy birthday in the voice of one of his many iconic characters!

That's all folks !

Remote Ctrl-Alt-Del

Today in the report, we commemorate the recent passing of Eugene Polley, the engineer for Zenith Electronics who is best known for inventing the first wireless remote control for television.  Polley's work, then, may be seen as tangentially responsible for decreasing viewer attention spans, with quick channel changing serving as a preview for the rapid YouTube clicking and tab-changing during Hulu commercials characteristic of contemporary content consumers.  (How's that for alliteration?!)  It is also sort of his fault that a bunch of people went to have a good, mindless time watching Adam Sandler be mindless and left theaters crying like babies, contemplating mortality, and carpe-ing their diems as if they'd just seen Robin Williams climb on a desk.

Perhaps humans could learn something from the more focused television viewing habits of the animal TV enthusiasts of the world.  Even seated next to the remote, the bulldog resists the urge to change away from Family Guy.  And that turtle is incredibly focused... Or maybe it's just taking him a while to process the signed interpretation being provided in the foreground.  Perhaps this turtle would make more use of the remote... Or just argue with itself about what it wants to watch.

And finally, one of my greatest television-related finds of all time.  IFC put together this list of the top 50 comedy sketches of all time.  Of course, the list is a few years old... Otherwise I think we might see a clip from SNL's Lawrence Welk show or travel tips from Steffon.  But that list is still full of gems, and starts off strong.  Gerald Ford is Dead Today will always be a personal favorite.

So thank you, Mr. Polley, for making us shift around innatentively.  By allowing us easy access to different channels, you paved the way for more channels, which paved the way for us to click through so-many-things-but-nothing-to-

watch for hours on end.

Things like that show where the points don't matter.  That's right, the points are just like Drew Carey on "Whose Line Is It Anyway."  (And a very Happy Birthday to Drew...)

Enjoy the rest of World Turtle Day!