Pageantry Day 2 - Here Comes Bunny Boo Boo

Night one of pageantry is over, and while two nights still remain, it came with it's own exciting finale (like a season of Lost or something).  At the end of each night, they award trophies to the winners of Best Talent and Best Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit... And I came home with a trophy!  Yes, though my outfit choice was deemed unorthodox by some, I brought home the Best Swimsuit Trophy for the night!  Okay, yes, I was bringing it home for Sarah who won it last night.  Tonight, she'll be competing in talent and on-stage interview, so be sure to send good thoughts her way!

In the meantime, as the Hoovers get further across the banner (what will happen when they reach their destination tomorrow?) we dive further into the web world of pageantry.  Entertainment Weekly put together a list of their top beauty pageant movies, adding eight more to the two we covered yesterday.  I've only ever heard of To Wong Foo... and I Know What You Did Last Summer, but Happy, Texas sounds worth tossing on the Netflix queue.  It's worth noting that the movies are presented in chronological order, though I would argue that results in saving the best for last.  But Little Miss Sunshine came out in 2006.  Where have the big screen queens of the pageant world been since then?

The answer: The screen has shrunk and so have the queens.  TLC's terrifying hit series Toddlers & Tiaras premiered in January 2009 and is now in its fifth season.  While I haven't seen a single episode, the ads have been enough to tell me what it's about (parents play competitive dress-up with real live human children!) and that I never want to watch a full episode.  Curious as I am to find out if six year old Catlyn does indeed grow up to be a "princes in a big castle," I don't have the patience to stick around for the full series to find out.  Then, of course, there's the ubiquitous spin-off Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which follows one contestant and her family in the world outside of pageantry.  Again, I'm not watching, but one promo clip of Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson from the original series suggests inspiration from a scene of legendary drunk dancing prowess from a TV show I actually watch.  (Jump to the 55 second mark of the Honey Boo Boo clip to see what I mean.  Seriously. Check it out. It's uncanny.)

More adorable and less terrifying than all of those toddlers and their tiaras, though, comes from my new favorite Twitter account, @MyRabbitGotSwag.  A series of photos of a rabbit with stuff on it, this account picked up 100,000 followers like it was nothing.  Bunny Boo Boo in her (his?) tiara is the most relevant for today's events, but Pocahontas on the lookout is my favorite.

That's all for today!  We'll be back tomorrow with the results of Day 2, a preview of Day 3, and more things that are somehow tangentially related a little bit to pageants.  For now, it's time to start pushing the van again.  (Gotta remember to park that thing on a hill.)

"No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding, soldier, outstanding!" - Steve Carell as Frank in Little Miss Sunshine

The Cadence of a Summer Day

Before we dive into today's topic and you figure out why an April Morning Report has a summer title, I wanted to thank the readership for all the positive feedback on last Thursday's Whole Milk Marriage Report.  This issue brought in record views to the blog and a huge amount of reader feedback and support, which meant a great deal to me.

But now, to this week's business.  Though the title may not have given it away, the custom banner certainly did.  Yesterday, along with being April Fools' Day and the day I finished Infinite Jest (Suck it, Otter 21!) was the opening day of the 2013 MLB season for most teams.  The day was enjoyed by baseball fans across the country, though in some cities more than others, with Boston, DC, and Chicago among the cities briefly enjoying a 1.000 Winning Percentage.

While some readers likely find baseball boring to watch, it is my favorite sport to watch, either at a park or on TV.  Physically going to a game is steeped in Americana and tradition in a way that no other sporting event can boast.  And televised baseball can work to serve almost as a soundtrack to one's day, playing out in the background as life unfolds around it.  Even though the first trip I ever went on as a wee baby was to Cooperstown, home of the Baseball Hall of Fame, I can't speak as eloquently about it as true, long-term, full-time fans of the game could, but I can pull a quote that I think captures something about why I like the game so much: “The fundamental truth: a baseball game is nothing but a great slow contraption for getting you to pay attention to the cadence of a summer day."  That, my favorite sentence from my least favorite book by my favorite author (Michael Chabon'sSummerland), captures it for me.

For other people, though, it's something else.  For photographer Don Hamerman, it's the aesthetics of the ball.  Others may be drawn to the history of the game's famous firsts.  Still others the oddball trivia of old baseball cards.  Some the poetry.  Some the comedy.  Some people even look to the game as religion, telling the story of how "In the big inning God created Heaven on Earth."

So, whether you subscribe to MLBtv to watch along at work, or you haven't seen a game in FOR-EV-ER, baseball is here.  Even those who don't watch can look forward to the summer days it heralds.

Bowling for Super

Following yesterday's 30 Rock series finale (which heavily featured The Rural Juror among other fan favorite jokes, leaving me extremely pleased), TV viewers across the country are now preparing for another finale: The Super Bowl.  And what a finale it will be!  West Coast vs East Coast!  Red vs Purple!  Prospector vs Poe-bird! 

Okay, yeah, I admit I don't really know much about the teams going into the battle.  Or even their respective cities.  I know that San Francisco's Humphry Slocombe has some of the best ice cream flavors I've ever had.  And the beer at the Brewer's Art in Baltimore is phenomenal.  But beyond that, my knowledge and allegiances to either team are virtually nil. 

For me, it's like watching a late episode of a CSI-type drama I've never seen before.  Having seen many episodes of CSI-type dramas before, I know how things work and can follow along.  I know the rules of game, the terms, how things are going to play out.  I can figure out who plays what role after a few minutes of watching.  But you know that part of a crime procedural series that ties things together across episodes?  A few minutes scattered throughout each episode showing how these two don't get along, these two have sexual tension, this one is battling alcoholism, this one is a bit of a loose cannon, and it turns out the killer was put up to it by a villain whose been manipulating things behind the scenes all season?  Yeah, I don't get any of that.  So all the sideline stories, the stats and odds, the player names and backgrounds?  I'm at a loss there.  That's the episode to episode glue that holds things together, and while there's sure to be a lot of it, I'm hoping I can get a "Previously, on Football" recap before hand to give me a sense of it all.  But even still, I'll be able to follow the game.

But at least I'll be on the same page as everyone else prior to the Super Bowl, when I tune in to see all the new faces of the Puppy Bowl!  And what incredibly adorable new faces they are.  Now, I'm not entirely sure how winners are selected, or if winners are selected, or if it's more of a suburban rec-soccer league "Everyone's a winner" attitude, but looking through this roster of puppies, I've picked a few favorites.  This crop of contestants seems pretty heavy in the "A" names, and right off the bat there are some absolutely adorable pups -- Althea and Aurora, specifically.  Blitz looks a bit spastic, Fitz looks terrified, and Masquerade is rocking the John Cusack heterochromiathing.  Shadow and Tuck are holding their own toward the end of the alphabet... But after reviewing all of them, my money is on Eli, the German shepherd / pit bull mix to take it all.  That's assuming he gets support from the hedgehog cheerleaders, and a good amount of rest during the kitten halftime show.

Enjoy the Bowls this weekend.  For those with a vested interest in the game, may the odds be ever in your favor.  For those who are just there for the snacks... May the wings be ever in your flavor.

We're Back!

After a two month hiatus (and you thought The Daily Show writers took long breaks...) we're returning today with an aptly named report, obviously referencing the greatest celebrity-voiced animated dinosaur film of all time.  Things went offline for a while starting in December, when I was hit with some all-day, all-week panels, working weekends, and non-stop extended workdays that had me too pooped to 'port.  Then I went on a Christmas vacation, came back, and frankly was just lazy for a while.  At least about Reporting.  Outside of the reporting world I've been busy learning GRE words ("covey - a group of partridges," I'll definitely need to know that to go back to school) and making my way through Infinite Jest (Otter 21, you won't be disappointed for long).

Still, in that time, we missed some genuinely excellent reporting opportunities.  I intend to make-up for a few right here, right now.

Christmas
Just think of all the custom banners we could have had, for starters!  Snowflakes, a rising Ornament "O," a snowman head "O," letters made of presents... So many possibilities!  We could have thrown rocks together at the Old Granville House, sung a carol every day of December, talked up Rankin Bass, hated Uncle Jamie, and torn apart Christmas Shoes.  And of course I would have been sure to tell you what Christmas is all about.

Fiscal Cliff
Remember that? I wouldn't have tried to explain it or link to any relevant article that did... But I would talk about Fiscal Clifford the Big Red Dog.  And offered excerpts of the classic "Fiscal Cliff" episode of The Cosby Show.  You know the one -- To get the kids to clean-up around the Huxtable home, Cliff starts paying them allowance to take care of the messes that pop up, but the kids expose a flaw in his system and start an elaborate system of making messes for others to clean and pooling the cash rewards.  Obviously Cliff catches on, and everyone learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and honesty.

New Year's Eve
I missed out on a great chance to work through a list of my favorite things about 2012.  I could have counted down to my favorite movie (Argo), my favorite book (The Fault In Our Stars), my favorite cute animals... So many possibilities.  Instead I'll take the opportunity to retrospectively and self-servingly pick my Top 5 Morning Reports of 2012:

5.  Game On! -- The Report that started it all obviously merits a mention...  And it helps that it includes a Gingrich-biting penguin.
4.  Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report -- A beautiful reader-submission reflecting on family, tradition, and memory.
3.  Vote Your Heart Out -- A double custom banner, plus links to videos from some of my favorite TV shows.
2.  100 Years of Oreo  -- Long-form humor on one topic, which is unusual for the Report.  Plus, I foretold Oreo's coming out for gay rights!
1.  Mourning Report: King of All the Wild Things -- A reflection on Maurice Sendak that features an interview that inspires me every time I hear it.

I hope those selections represent some of your favorites, too.  And I hope 2013 brings many more reports to choose from.

Til tomorrow, eat in the Cherry Orchard with your Three Sisters and your Uncle Vanya -- It's Anton Chekhov's birthday!

Hypothetical Thursday

Following on "How-To Tuesday" and "Wicked Busy Wednesday" (too busy to report, anyway), the madness of the seven days following Thanksgiving concludes today with "Hypothetical Thursday."  Today's report is going to entertain some questions you may have never considered before*, but are pretty neat and get you thinking... Both of these are long form articles, but we'll tamper with cuteness at the end once again.  (I wonder how many readers are now just like "Sweet, scroll down to the end and show me the puppies...")

First up, a really interesting user submission regarding Civil War.  (Seems appropriate in the talks following the film Lincoln and the talks of secession.)  But this hypothetical doesn't content itself with a North vs. South / Union vs. Confederacy match-up, and instead explores an all-out every state for itself dissolution of the Union.  The most interesting thing about this hypothetical is that it approaches the question not from a "Well, this would be what happens" perspective, instead presenting a faux-historical report from the future, not only by writing in the past tense, but also including quotes from primary sources.  (He does slip-up at least once, suggesting the piece was initially written as a more general hypothetical piece.)  It's quite a long read (even I admit to not having finished it yet), but it's really quite interesting and well done. Of course, as the people in the comments note, this may not be how things would go down.  Of course, I would argue a sudden state-centric political shift resulting in total 50-state dissolution probably isn't how things would go down either...

Meanwhile, on the science side, the brilliant writer of xkcd explores weekly hypotheticals in his longer writing pieces on the "What-If" page.  (The banner suggests a "What-if we fed a T-Rex to the Sarlacc with a crane," but I've yet to see that story.)  The latest issue addresses the cost of pennies, though not in the way you might think.  Some of my favorites include the Lightning edition, mostly for the comic addressing some of the stranger questions; the giant raindrop; and the mole of moles; but all of them are worth checking out.

And speaking of moles... They made this list of the Top 10 Cutest Creatures.  I challenge the inclusion of the manatee, love the happy puffer fish, and thrill at the inclusion of the wooly bear caterpillar.

Take the Deal!  It's Howie Mandel's birthday today.  (I always preferred Bobby's World.  Back when Howie had hair!)

How-To Tuesday

After Thanksgiving feasting the Report took a few days off, but after Black Friday and Cyber Monday we're back for... Ruby Tuesday?  No, here at the Report we're holding How-To Tuesday, in which we clear out a pair of items that have been backlogged in the Report item archives for some time now.

First up, a compilation piece from the New York Times released several years ago called "How to Be Funny."  Not only are these pieces written by modern legends of the comedy world, they're compiled by the brilliantly funny John Hodgman, whose humbling work was featured in the September 11 Morning Report.  My two favorite pieces here fall comfortably in the middle: Garrison Keillor's "How to Write Your First Hollywood Comedy" and Paul Rudd's (appropriately titled) "How to Be Funny When You Are Incredibly Good Looking."  I'm wondering if part of the enjoyment I get from both of those pieces comes from the fact that I read them in their writers' inimitable voices.

Also offered from the backlogs, an article written for Esquire about how to compliment.  Tom Chiarella's "The Perfect Compliment" is more anecdotal essay than guide, but the how-to comes in Chiarella's experiences.  The trial and error of his quick, observational compliments in the first section highlight some major flaws in strategy.  A quick line seems spooky, insincere, or a thinly veiled insult.  As he notes, " A true compliment is a complex expression of unrequired appreciation — how could three words do the job?"  But don't force it:  "Finding the perfect compliment isn't a riddle at all. It's not as though there's one for every person at every time. It's a matter of finding the right moment rather than insisting on one."  Still, the art of the compliment is better observed through Chiarella's stories than boiled down to talking points.  Report Challenge: Compliment a stranger today and let me know how it goes!

Finally, because it's been a while since we've had some animals in the Report, here are some dogs going down slides.

It's not Thanksgiving, but we can still celebrate a Thanksgiving Anniversary!  On November 27 in 1924, the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was held!

Halloweek Day 1 - History and Hounds

After yet another little vacation (up to Boston to see The Mountain Goats, then NH to see the premiere of my new play, "To the Moon"), we're back and ready for some Halloween fun.  We're a week out from that favorite holiday of hooligans and candy companies, so I thought it would be appropriate to spend a few days of reporting covering the topics near and dear to the holiday.  And what's that in the banner?  Could it be?  The Great Pumpkin, rising out of the Pumpkin Patch?!  Stay tuned as we creep closer to Halloween and see what happens!
 
Before we get into costumes and candy and spooky stories, it's important we know what exactly it is we're dealing with here.  What is Halloween?  Where did it come from?  Lucky for us, the History Channel has put together a nice, dry history of the day (the videos are a bit more fun), tracing it back to the Celtic festival of Samhain.  If your mental cogs are working like mine this morning, you'll put the pieces together and know it's no coincidence that this holiday so associated with the color orange started off in Ireland... Gingers.  No wonder it's so scary.
 
But if the history of how Samhain became All Hallow's Eve became Trick or Treat is a bit too boring for you, check out this infographic.  Where do you fit in to these stats?  I know I'm not producing any pumpkins this year.  (Though I did know pumpkins are gourds.  But more on gourds later...)  I have contributed to the 35 million pounds of candy corn sold, and I used to be in the 30% of candy organizers back when I was among the 35 million in that prime Trick or Treating age.  I plan on being one of the 120 million dressing up, though I won't be doing it on the day itself (does that still count) and I will definitely be part of the 72% giving out candy.  As for the 24 pounds of candy I'm supposed to have eaten in the past year as an average American... No comment.
 
Now, what about these 11.5% of Americans who dress their pets for Halloween?  Of all the statistics presented in that graphic, that's the one I want evidence on.  Luckily, the Internet provides.  I'm assuming dogs are the most commonly dressed animal, and certainly the most frequently seen in costume.  Some place called Tompkins Square even has a parade for costumed pups.  I love the dog lobster, and I bet that dog, along with all the others whose costumes involved being carried or carted about, enjoyed himself the most.  Hipster dog and banana dog look like they have a tough time seeing, while Woof With the Wind and Evita (in the comments) probably qualify as mild animal abuse.  Favorite, though?  The moose dog.  Obviously.  But dogs aren't the only ones having fun.  Rats, cats, hedgehogs, and even a camel get in on the action.  (Sorry to report there is a lack of costumed fish.)  The cat in number 9 suggests why cats don't get dressed up much, while dogs continue to dominate the costume competition.  Though horse dog is terrifying, the dog dressed as Fluffy is one of the best costumes I've ever seen on human or animal.
 
And speaking of human costumes... We'll cover that in tomorrow's report.

But first a costume idea from this day in history:  Just wear a barrel and say you're going as Annie Edson Taylor.  She hopped in a barrel 111 years ago today and became the first to survive the trip over Niagara Falls in one.
 
Seven days until the Great Pumpkin!

A Return to A(www)nimals

So, the report's been back for a week now, and largely in its morning time slot, too, for those of you time-stamp-checkers out there.  But the Report 2.0 (MacKenzie McHale stands by as I write this) has been notably devoid of a traditional Report fixture.  Specifically, there have been no cute animals!  Let's correct this now.

First up, while we've technically harkened in the beginning of Fall, the weather, at least here in DC, is still just perfect for lounging out in the sun.  And these 20 animals know how to lounge.  From ferret to chapeau-ed guinea pigs, there's a whole lot of adorable going on here.  I'm not too keen on Rowlf being listed, as he is technically a muppet and not an animal. Much as I know he must smell, the ferret in 10 is my favorite, although look how smiley that corgi is!

And if that's not enough (and we've been gone for a while, so it's not), BuzzFeed has also put together this incredible compendium of cute.  And they've made it into a test to see how far you can get without squealing.  I must admit, I didn't actually squeal.  I don't know that I'm capable of making such a noise.  Though it was somewhere around 12 or 15 that I took a deep intake of breath and felt my heart warm.  A dog sleeping in food?!  That would be great served up with the cup of ducks in 22.  And I'll be hard pressed to remember that all the chocolate in my house would kill him if 36 shows up at my door on Halloween.

And to wrap things up for the day... A wonderful blend of adorable animal and human interest.  Last Friday we talked about the Internet's ability to educate, not just serve as a place for time wasting.  Today, let's also consider just a single example of the social outreach angle of the Internet.  A whole world wide web of dog treats was available for  Bingo's Lick It List.  And certainly a bitter reader could argue that there are more worthy causes than Bingo, and I would be foolish not to agree with them.  But to Cole, whose life Bingo has saved many times, I don't think that is the case.  And without the Internet, I don't believe that the Bingo Hein Fund would have taken off.  If we can spread charity as we spread knowledge, that's damn good. 

Closing with the animal theme, throw your lion monarch brother off a cliff and then declare to his son, "I KILLED MUFASA," it's Jeremy Irons' birthday!  That's right, classically trained, Academy Award winning actor with an incredible range of live-action roles, I'm calling you out for being an animated lion.

The Report Rises

Do not worry, dear readers, I did not abandon you.  I had merely gone into quiet, Bruce Wayne-esque isolation for a while.  But it didn't take eight years, a cat burglar, and a masked man who talks like the love-child of Sean Connery and Yoda pulling a Tommy Boy... It just took a day where things weren't so busy at the office.  And so, after a pair of busy weeks at work, the Morning Report Rises!
 
And in a Report named after an ending, it's only appropriate to discuss endings, as well.  In a now long-distant Report, we discussed great opening lines to literature.  Here, the Guardian has compiled the ten best closing lines in literature.  Of course, given numerous Gatsby references in the report and an entire report dedicated to F. Scott Fitzgerald's great novel, it's no surprise I strongly agree with their first choice.  Ulysses and Heart of Darkness, too, seem to me strong choices, and I've always had a soft-spot for Finn's lighting out for the territory, even if the greatness of that final line is tainted by the profound weakness of the book's closing chapters.  Once again, though, the commentary on the countdown calls out some other options that I believe are far stronger than those selected in the Top Ten.  This time, the final reflection on kid-lit (kudos to them for acknowledging it) draws attention to the closing line of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, "And it was still hot."
 
But wait!  The Guardian misquotes Mr. Sendak, saying Max's supper was "still warm."  For shame, Guardian.  For shame.  This is nearly as bad as the woman I overheard this weekend who, upon hearing a young boy in her party remark that Roald Dahl was dead, said, "Yes, that was sad, wasn't it.  Did you ever read Where the Wild Things Are?"  Oh goodness!  What is this world coming to?  Yes, Roald Dahl's death was sad... But not for the young boy casually mentioning it, as he was not yet born in 1990 when Dahl passed.  Obviously that woman has not decorated her son's room like this.  (As I intend to do.  To my son's room.  Not hers.)
 
And in traditional report form, let's include some stories about animals to make up for lost time.  First, Batmanatee and his fellow underwater patrolers, courtesy of Kevin.  No doubt the Flash Manatee (whose name, not ending in "man," offers no convenient portmanteau) travels at a blazing seven miles per hour.  Still not faster than the Manatee Justice League's arch-nemesis The Propeller.  And here are an overwhelming number of cute animals and things.  To provide commentary on them all would be overwhelming, so let me just say that the return to reporting has me as happy as the sheep in 16.
 
How appropriate given today's Report title, that it would turn out to be Christopher Nolan's birthday.  I hope he has a tattoo to remind him to celebrate... Then again, he probably has dreams within dreams about this day!

The Pale King of Pop

Things are underway a bit late here at the Report, but it's allowed us to gather some great material for you today, continuing a debate that I inadvertently spurred yesterday with my flippant comment on Sodapop.  (No, not the Outsider. The drink he's holding.)  Yes, having taken linguistics classes, I should have acknowledged that there are regional differences in the words people use for things.  In New England, things are "wicked cool."  In Rhode Island, a lot of women (and some men) have "PSDS".  People in the midwest pack things into "baygs."  In the non-existent, imaginary region that my Dad's voice is from, people drink "melk."  But few words create more regional tension than those that define.
 
Courtesy of Andrew Sullivan over at the Dish, I have found an objective investigation of the soda-pop-coke phenomenon.  Interesting method of data accumulation.  I was particularly taken with the filtering to ensure only soft drink related posts were tagged, then avoid talking of "Coke" as a brandname... Though interesting he doesn't acknowledge filtering out alternative uses of Coke... Interesting that soda is such a coastal term... How did it pass over the middle of the nation without touching down?  And seriously, what cutesy fantasy world is it where "fizzy drink" is a common expression?  Oh, New Zealand?  Okay.  That makes sense.  Freaking Hobbits.
 
The second major story today is an interesting article on the largest piece of literary intrigue in the past year.  No, Dan Brown didn't release a new book.  (If he did, chances are someone's secret child is part of some organization's plot for world domination.)  I'm referring to the Pulitzer Prize Board's decision not to award a prize for literature in 2012, in spite of what I understand were three pretty outstanding nominees.  Well, Michael Cunningham, author of The Hours and Specimen Days, and one of the three jurors for this year's decision has come out with a "letter" explaining the process.  Really, though, his piece is much more than that, as it offers a thoughtful reflection on the general awarding of prizes to works of literature.  
My favorite quote from the piece, though, is on generational subjectivity:

"What seem fatal flaws to one generation strike the next as displays of artistic courage. Who cares that Henry James went on sometimes at questionable length because he was being paid by the word? Who cares, for that matter, that Marconi merely invented radio transmission when his actual goal was to pick up the voices of the dead?"

One generation's failure can be another generation's American Top 40 with Casey Kasem!  (Screw you, Seacrest.)

And to prevent things from getting too intellectual here at the Report, here are two cute things:  First, a sweet parody of a song that's been making the Internet rounds, featuring a friend who taught many of us one of our first C-words.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, readers!)  Second, a sour encounter with a healthier snack.

You could call him Aaron Burr by the way he's dropping Hamiltons... And today, he did drop Hamilton.  It's the 208th anniversary of that famous duel.  The Wikipedia piece is an interesting read.  It appears Ham shot first.  (Though George Lucas routinely tampers with the Wiki to edit the past.)

A Giraffe and a Half-Life

I hope everyone survived the heatwave this weekend!  (But I do so with the selfish hope of keeping our readership up over fifty.)  Those of you wrapping up 4th of July vacations or celebrating birthdays (!!!), I hope you had a great time.  While I was not on vacation at the end of last week, the Report was due to some work busy-ness.  This leaves some reporting to be done on major events last week.

Specifically, the big ticket news item that everyone's talking about and no one really totally understands... The Higgs Boson!  I still don't totally get all the ramifications, though I think I'm in the good company of... Everyone.  I am pleased that one of the positive results was that CERN did not create a blackhole that destroyed us all.  Though as one item featured in this list of memes points out, our problems with the collider may be far from over, given the apparent employment of Half-Life's Gordon Freeman.  I love the joke circulating about the Higgs Boson walking into the church... Though I'm sure God has something to say about it.

A more relaxing and adorable story to pair with the hard science above, a stuffed giraffe went on a lovely vacation recently... And was left behind by his owner, leading to his own Toy Story-esque adventure.  But rather than rely on his own cunning to return to his owner, Joshie the Giraffe had help from Ritz Carlton, but not before his own extended vacation.  This has to be the most heartwarming story in recent Report history; it reminds me of the elementary-school days of having a class stuffed animal that came home with a student for the weekend for an adventure and an accompanying journal entry.  Thanks to Tamara for the tip-off on this great piece of customer service.

If you're going to sing happy birthday today, be sure to get someone to accompany you on a giant piano; It's Tom Hanks' birthday.  Someone get the man a volleyball...  So long as they also plan on getting tissues for everyone else.
Happy Argentinian Independence Day!

Cats Versus Dogs: The Epic Conclusion

Yesterday, a great subject of newsroom speculation came to an end.  (Or two opposite ends? Of the many possibilities.)  The speculation over, the debate rages on... And in spite of promises to keep the Report apolitical, I think all our readership is intelligent enough to find the argument that moving to Canada to get away from this crazy socialized medicine completely hilarious.  But it seems that even those debating healthcare know of the debate that has been raging here at the Report, as the Affordable Care Cat was upheld, as well.

Well, rest at ease, dear readers, I've spent the day doing my research to come to the bottom of the great Cats Versus Dogs debate, and the conclusion may surprise you.  A refresher, if necessary:  I am of the opinion that dogs are loyal to the end while cats lure us in withcuteness only to lash out.  Admittedly, this ignores some instances of pretty malicious dog behavior.  (Mailman biting, smelling bad when wet, and that thing where they rub their butt on the carpet leap to mind.)  Further research has led me to find that the two engage in apparently equal destruction of human property. The evidence presented here suggests that both creatures are forces to be reckoned with...

And yet we blind ourselves to the Feline Menace and the Attack of the Canines.  They infiltrate our homes, our hearts, even our Hollywood!  As yesterday's Report on tearjerker dog stories indicated, this cultural invasion may be part of an attempt to manipulate us emotionally, to win us over.  And win us over they have.  Don't believe me?  Listen to Jimmy Stewart read the poem at the end and tell me you don't get emotional.  (If you tell me this, I won't believe you.  Within view of a framed photo of the Dais of my life, I was crying.)

But what does this all mean?  Infiltration through our cultural mediums, ultimately leading to destruction of the home?  And not just by cats.  And not just by dogs.  But by an apparently united front of cats AND dogs?  What are we to make of this?

Perhaps, dear readers, you have seen this conclusion coming.  Perhaps you read ahead a little (by accident).  Or saw the links on the sidebar and realized my chain of thought.  Or picked up on a thread of sci-fi language running through the conclusion to this three day Report Event.  Or perhaps you have known all along.  (Search your feelings. You know it to be true.)  Internet exploring has revealed... We may not know the creatures we know and love as well as we once thought, because... They are ALIENS.  Yes, the evidence is here, photo documentation of cats and dogs (and a few other so-called "animals") returning to their own planets.  That's right, the battle of Cats VS Dogs is actually not unlike the battle of Alien VS Predator.  Whoever wins... We lose.

There it is, dear readers, the shocking conclusion to the Cats Versus Dogs Morning Report Trilogy.  (Don't worry, I won't ruin it all with a prequel trilogy...)  So... What are we to do with these aliens among us, now that we, brave group of 50 readers (!!!) know the truth?  We must not let them know.  Already, Google's computer may have led them to think we know too much, and with our numbers so few and our front not yet united, we would be ruined if they attempt to conquer us now.  No, dear readers, we proceed as normal.  I will continue the Report, and it will continue to include links to cute animals.  But know now that these doses of cuteness to appease our alien overlords (because, be honest with yourself, in your relationship with your pet, which of you is the owner?) also serve as reminders of the threats that walk around us on four legs.

Pet them, hug them, take them for walks, watch them on YouTube, but know that one fine day with a woof and a purr... they will rise up.  And it is up to us, not as cat people or dog people, but simply as people, to be ready when that day comes.

Two legs good.  Four legs (super adorable and fuzzy, but also potentially) bad.

Spoiler Alert: The Dog Dies

Perhaps more contentious than any political report has ever been, the Cats Vs Dogs debate rages on among the readership.  Eric informed me that the dogs are on the defensive, in an effort known as Dog Fort.  Armed with overwhelming cuteness, they defend against the feline uprising.  Johan, meanwhile, suggests that resistance against the feline menace is futile.  They will, no doubt, disarm us with acuddle-puddle of kitten-cuteness and then attack.  

We'll continue with a dog story today, as Andrew Sullivan guided me to an essay examining the human emotional reaction to that moment in nearly every movie that features a dog when (Spoiler Alert) the dog dies.  Wilson offers an excellent look at why Where the Red Fern Grows is impossible to read aloud because the words get blocked by sobs, why we panic when Shadow is stuck in the train tracks during his Incredible Journey, and why we don't even want to talk about Marley and Me, please, no, stop, I can't even think about it even though I knew it would happen.  I think the analysis here is spot on with regards to the guilt angle, but I think he gets the empathy part of his analysis wrong.  I don't know that we empathize with the dead/dying dog, as Wilson suggests, but with those in the work who have a relationship with the dog.  It is Billy we empathize with when Old Dan and Annie die, and our heart breaks with Peter's when Shadow isn't there with Chance and Sassy.  Similarly it is Travis, not Yeller, whose shoes we put ourselves in.  Yes, we are there with Yeller in the end, but through the eyes of Travis; we don't take the bullet, we pull the trigger, but only because we have to. "He's my dog, I'll do it," Travis says, but we are there with him, just as we have been the whole time, to say, "He's our dog, we'll do it."

This complex combination of guilt and empathy makes "The Dog Dies" one of the most effective clichés in the movie world.  Of course, other clichés aren't nearly as emotionally effective.  Some of them, as this article points out, are just plain silly.  Rimstidt's observations are wonderfully entertaining, from calculating the infrequent correctness of the stopped clock to another thing (if not another thing, then one thing).  He's also got me wondering, what if in my attempt to eat my cake, too, I drop it in the driven snow?  Does the five second rule still apply?  Or is that a stupid question?...

Wax on, wax off, don't sweep the leg, but do feel guilty that you can't think of any role he played other than Mr. Miyagi; the late Pat Morita would have turned 80 today.

Cats Versus Dogs

Goodness me, a few days without reporting and the ever-changing world of the Internet has undergone massive change.  Apparently someone at Nabisco was tipped off about a previous report, because the traditionally black and white Oreo came out and got colorful.  As one Facebook friend of mine noted "Even homophobes would get down with gay rights if it meant septuple Oreos."  (The Internet being what it is, it proved him wrong, but still...)  Meanwhile, in far darker news (at least from my canine-centric position), Google has developed a computer neural network that provides evidence of machine learning.  No, I'm not being paranoid about Skynet and having to go with Arnold Schwarzenegger if I want to live, I'm traumatized by the fact that this apparently learning computer used its learning to... find cats on the Internet.

I will not stand idly by and let cats continue their domination of the Internet, dear readers.  Because if Skynet turns out to be the computing equivalent of a cat lady, keyboard cat will play us off... the planet.  So today I'm joining fellow Georgetown-alum Nick Kroll in combating cat power with a dog-dominated report.  It's a move that I'm sure my favorite dog with apparently oposable thumbs would approve.  Via text message, of course.  Unless he's too busy terrorizing his owner, the postman, or humanity in general... In the most hilarious ways.  He, too, is resilient in the face of cat bullying, as a pesky neighborhood cat makes a mess of his garden.

While dogs are (hu)man's best friend, even when causing chaos, that doesn't mean we should try to make them look more human-like, though.  I've always been staunchly opposed to dogs wearing clothes.  (Look at him! He thinks he's people!)  And my coworkers know that I'm deathly afraid of dogs with people hands.  (Though cats with hands are substantially more terrifying.)  Well, add to that list of do-nots,dogs with eyebrows.  It's quite simply disarming and alarming.  It seems only the constantly adorable corgi can maintain its cute and avoid being creepy when browed.

As cats continue to battle dogs in their quest for world domination, we cannot stand idly by, though I worry there is little we can do to sway the tide of this lifelong battle one way or the other.  All we can do is watch them on youtube and scroll through cute pictures.  And, occasionally, provide voices for them in movies, like Tobey Maguire did in 2001's "Cats And Dogs."  (Self-aware Segue!)  The eternally youthful Mr. Maguire celebrates his 35th birthday today.  Put on your dancing shoes (or Spidey-suit) and celebrate.

More Sights and Sounds of Summer

Holy Heatwave, Batman!  DC seems incredibly aware that yesterday was the Summer Solstice.  The door has closed on springtime and, unlike the revolving door transition between winter and spring, where we got tiny, alternating tastes of each season, we have been thrust into the full heat of summer the day it starts.  Just as the heat continues, so the Report continues with summer stories.  (Though the sun has now descended to its usual banner location.  But that doesn't mean it's going down, as some readers have suggested.  Though... Yes, it is too late in the day for it to be rising now...)

First up, for those of you who aren't keen on surf rock as the sound of your summer, NPR has an alternative.  They have analyzed the Billboard charts from June to August for every year since 1962, picking out the top Songs of the Summer for fifty years... Don't let the fact that the list is at the bottom of the article confuse you, though.  The link to hear the tunes is at the top of the page between the headline and the Mini Surfer.  The random order of the mix makes for some interesting results... When I was checking this out yesterday, Bill Withers' fade out encouragement to "Lean On Me" gave way to "Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt..."  Oh, Baby Got Back. Classic.  And I admit, there have been times where I was wishing for a skip track offering, only to find that the only way I could avoid listening to the Macarena was to hit mute for a while.  Of course, once you've heard the Macarena, it's in your head for the rest of the day.  Sorry if the same applies for reading the word...  Biggest surprise find of the playlist:  Icona Pop's "I Love It," which is not, it turns out, some song I'd never heard of from the 80s, much as it sounds like that...

And, at risk of repeating the structure of yesterday's report almost exactly, here are some dogs who found ways other than surfing to beat the heat.  Of course, they'll all still smell like wet dog.  Except the smarties at the water fountains or the ones who got frozen treats.  Relaxed as 17 looks, I think 6 has the best strategy... Though 8 probably has the most fun and 11 has the cute toys.  Funny how different dogs react to water.  1 is in pure doggy bliss, while 7 is so clearly terrified.

Finally, if lying in a pile of ice cubes isn't your idea of cooling off, maybe hanging out in the air conditioning with a good book would suit you better.  If you're not sure what to read, and aren't taken by my less than subtle Chabon plug, maybe this flowchart will help.  With 101 to choose from, there's bound to be something good there that you've yet to read.  That said, the list is made by teach.com, meaning that there are a whole bunch of young adult aimed books on there.  Don't worry, no judgment for picking one of those... Just... Get it on Kindle so no one can tell what you're reading!

Well, ~150 songs, 20 dogs, and 101 books seems like a good place to leave things for the day.  After all, it's Go Skateboarding Day, apparently, so I should be out there on the board Ollying and Pop-Shoving-It and... Oh, who are we kidding, I'm totally just going to do this.

Dog (Surf) Days of Summer Solstice

Could it be that the sun is sitting a little higher in the banner's sky today?  No, we're not continuing our celebration of Paul Dano and Little Miss Sunshine.  (Believe me, dear reader, I would love to... But that would be observed with a yellow bus zooming past in the report background and a .gif of me dancing to Superfreak.)  No, we're observing the Summer Solstice!  Yes, today's the day, that long and lazy day where the sun reaches its highest position in the sky and in the report banner.

And what better way to celebrate the beginning of those dog days of summer with a surfing centered report!  That's right, shoobies, the Report is hitting the beach!  But first, we'll need some tunes to crank out over the peaceful sounds of those waves lapping at the shore.  (Seriously, leave that on in the background while your boombox and/or other Internet tabs play some music.)  I could just recommend listening to this on repeat all day, but there are too many surf rock tunes to do that.  And thankfully one reader recently turned me on to a band that has put together some amazing mixes at Reverberation Radio.  I recommend Reverberation #14.  And the music of the band itself, cleverly named the Allah-Lahs, also comes with that great classic surf feel.

Of course, I get it, those twangy reverberations and good vibrations aren't for everyone.  (Though if you don't like "Good Vibrations," you'll have to do some work to prove to me that you have a soul.)  For those of you who don't like surf rock, I offer... Surf bark.  Yes, for some reason this happened.  And not just once, but six times before this, as well.  That's seven years of slobbery surf and wet dog wipeouts.  But what a fun world record to set... Bummer to be one of the dogs that jumped off, though... No place in the record for bailing out, they went home tail between their legs.  Anyway... Totally teaching Archer to surf next time I'm in NH.  Too bad he'll be afraid of the surfboard.  And the waves.  And the sand.

That's all for today.  Enjoy the long sunshine and the incredibly appropriate fact that it's Brian Wilson's birthday!  Make his day and send him a letter telling him the name of your favorite vegetable (I know that you'll feel better.)  Or just hit the beach, boys and girls!  Wouldn't that be nice!

As the sun rises high and things heat up, remember to keep cool cool.

Father's Day (Observed)

Thanks for all of positive feedback thus far on the new report features and the blog.  I've made a few updates to the blog and put up a few more old Reports.  In spite of requests/suggestions, these updates do not include an animated .gif logo to clarify that the sun is, indeed, rising.  Nor do they include a banner variant where the O in Report is also a sun.  (Though if we ever have a report about Star Wars/Tatooine, rest assured a double-sun header will be used.)

The internet this weekend was abuzz with Father's Day fun, including a very cute Google doodle.  However, as has always been the case, there is no Report on the weekend, so we're compiling a few of the more Report-worthy Father's Day links today.  So, Fathers of the Report, rejoice, you get a second father's day!  (To my knowledge there are only three fathers among our readership at this time... If there are more that I don't know of, Congratulations!)

Let's start off with music.  The Art of Manliness has compiled a list of their Best Songs About Dads.  Some tear-jerkers in there, including Eric Clapton's "My Father's Eyes," which is particularly poignant when the song's full background is explained, as it is in this list.  (Clapton, of course, holds this Reporter's record for Saddest Song Ever with "Tears In Heaven.")  "Daughter" is a fun number, "Cat's In the Cradle" was a car radio staple in my memory, and "Just the Two of Us" now stands out in my mind as a song that they mercifully chose not to use in the soundtrack for The Pursuit of Happyness.  What do you think, did their list miss any big ones?  Feel free to take a browse around the Art of Manliness site, too.  Lot's of entertaining and interesting stuff there, including a very Teddy Roosevelt heavy list of 100 Must-Read books.  Also featured there is a link over to another excellent (future) Dad's Day piece, Rules for My Unborn Son.  This highly addicting tumblr is full of quips and wisdom, and was one of the first sites I knew of that made the blog-to-book transition.

And, of course, it wouldn't be a holiday at the Report if we didn't draw attention to some animal stories, too.  Fathers of the animal kingdom have always sort of been ignored in collections of cute animal photography, it seems to me.  Certainly there are a lot of deadbeat animal dads that abandon their family... And some dead dads, as well.  But Animal Planet has compiled a nice list of the Top Ten Animal Dads.  The seahorse, famous for its pregnant pa, is an obvious choice for number one.  And I'm sure Morgan Freeman approves of the high ranking placement of the Emperor Penguin.  I wonder if my desire for some rearrangement of this list isn't influenced by Disney, as I really want to bump the lion up a few spots, given Mufasa's self-sacrifice and starry advising.  I'm also sad to see that the clownfish didn't make the list, as I know the extremes a father clownfish would go through to find his son Harpo... Bingo?...  Fabio?...  Chico?

That's all for today.  Hope your Monday deserves two thumbs up... It's Roger Ebert's birthday!

Issue 30!

NOTE: While a later review of Report records would reveal this to be the 29th Report, I will not attempt to re-write history here.  Future counts of Report entries will provide an accurate count.

Welcome to the special 30th issue of the Report!

Before we kick off the exciting new celebrations, a pair of neat President/Flag related links provided by one reader.  First, and sent before she even knew I was writing about flags and presidents that day, a link to a piece that has somehow not been mega-hyped on all sorts of news pages.  Released just last week, on June 5, the papers of Dr. Charles A. Leale, the first physician to reach Abraham Lincoln on the night of his assassination at Ford's Theater.  The papers, more easily read in this exact transcript, provide an account of the night in incredible (at times graphic) detail.  What most surprised me, though, was the fact that Lincoln did not die until 7:22 the following morning; I had always imagined him pronounced dead at the scene.  Also, the detail of Booth's leg catching in the American flag seems appropriate given yesterday's holiday and the symbolism that might make you roll your eyes if it happened in a novel.  And, speaking of flags, she also informed me that the American flags flown over the U.S. Capitol are actually available for purchase.  While it's too late to give them as Flag Day gifts, remember, the 4th of July is coming up!

But now, to business.  As you can see, we've made a few changes here at The Morning Report.  First, you may have noticed that these are coming from a different e-mail address!  Reports will now be sent from the very official morning.reporter.dc@gmail.com.

  (morning.reporter was already taken, so I got geographically specific.)  Next, I've used my (limited) Adobe skills to craft an official Report banner.  Note, though, that just as the title "The Morning Report" has not always proven accurate, nor does the rising sun in the banner guarantee AM distribution.

Finally, and perhaps most exciting of all, following the advice and requests of more than a few of you, the Report is becoming a blog!  From now on, when you click on the banner at the top of these e-mails, you'll be transported to the new blog, "From the Desk of the Morning Reporter."  Not only will I update it each night with the distribution from that day, but I'm also beginning to upload the archived issues.  For most readers, these issues are completely uncharted territory, and well-worth checking out.  An interesting point to note, though: These issues will be uploaded and dated as though they had been posted on the day they were originally distributed.  We're using the Internet as a sort of time machine here in order to keep the narrative arc from Mementoing.  Past and present flashes are too confusing.  I will, however, be taking the opportunity to provide some commentary on past posts.  Starting with the first one.

We'll be uploading more from the archives as the days go on.  But for now, dear readers, thank you for your continued support of the Report.  I am thrilled by the way this has grown and hope that you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them.  Please, do keep the responses coming.  One of the best things about this is that it converts the clicking-around exploring of the Internet, which so often becomes a solitary wandering, into a shared exploration.  Much like what I imagine a wilderness safari is like based on my trips to Disney World, these journeys into the wilds of the web are that much greater when someone else is there to go "Oh, hey, did you see that?!"

Finally, remember to Pay It Forward today for Helen Hunt's birthday!  "Twister?  I hardly know her!"

Til Monday, e-mail me definitely, corgi maybe?