How-To Tuesday

After Thanksgiving feasting the Report took a few days off, but after Black Friday and Cyber Monday we're back for... Ruby Tuesday?  No, here at the Report we're holding How-To Tuesday, in which we clear out a pair of items that have been backlogged in the Report item archives for some time now.

First up, a compilation piece from the New York Times released several years ago called "How to Be Funny."  Not only are these pieces written by modern legends of the comedy world, they're compiled by the brilliantly funny John Hodgman, whose humbling work was featured in the September 11 Morning Report.  My two favorite pieces here fall comfortably in the middle: Garrison Keillor's "How to Write Your First Hollywood Comedy" and Paul Rudd's (appropriately titled) "How to Be Funny When You Are Incredibly Good Looking."  I'm wondering if part of the enjoyment I get from both of those pieces comes from the fact that I read them in their writers' inimitable voices.

Also offered from the backlogs, an article written for Esquire about how to compliment.  Tom Chiarella's "The Perfect Compliment" is more anecdotal essay than guide, but the how-to comes in Chiarella's experiences.  The trial and error of his quick, observational compliments in the first section highlight some major flaws in strategy.  A quick line seems spooky, insincere, or a thinly veiled insult.  As he notes, " A true compliment is a complex expression of unrequired appreciation — how could three words do the job?"  But don't force it:  "Finding the perfect compliment isn't a riddle at all. It's not as though there's one for every person at every time. It's a matter of finding the right moment rather than insisting on one."  Still, the art of the compliment is better observed through Chiarella's stories than boiled down to talking points.  Report Challenge: Compliment a stranger today and let me know how it goes!

Finally, because it's been a while since we've had some animals in the Report, here are some dogs going down slides.

It's not Thanksgiving, but we can still celebrate a Thanksgiving Anniversary!  On November 27 in 1924, the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was held!

At Midnight All the Agents

Today, as many readers are likely aware, is the release date of one of this year's major action movies, the new James Bond film Skyfall.  This means that at midnight last night (because seriously, what movie doesn't get a midnight release anymore?) die hard Bond fans, Daniel Craig lovers, Dame (or Day-um) Judi Dench supporters, and Adele someones-like-you took to the theaters to see Bond take on a creepy blonde Javier Bardem (first Bond, then Bardem?), as well as, according to the trailer, a scorpion.  I was not among those in the theater, as I was getting ready for bed, but if early reviews and blogosphere buzz are to be believed, when I do get to see this movie, it will be quite impressive.  And as the tiny Daniel Craig in the gun-barrel "O" above indicates, we're taking on Bond in today's report.  As in talking about him.  Not fighting him.  He'd destroy us.

So with everyone saying Skyfall is so good, it's got to have a few key ingredients.  Beyond the basics of a good (if not incredibly far-fetched) story and a strong leading man to be Bond, a good James Bond film needs...

An Action-Packed Opening
Before the opening titles even roll, the film's got to establish itself as a bad-ass piece of Bond awesomeness.  The best way to do this is an action scene that grabs you right away.  The Daily Beast put together their favorite openings, and I think they capture things pretty well.  Goldeneye certainly takes the cake, and I always associate the secret duck with Goldfinger.  Not on the list, but one I have a secret love for, is The World Is Not Enough, just because I loved doing an impression of Sir Robert King saying "Take this pin. It was the detonator."  Overall favorite, though, has to be the gritty opening to Casino Royale that brought a fresh edge to the character, cutting back on late-Brosnan era corniness, and replacing it with a dark, character driven piece of work.  (And for those who want more traditional action, just wait til the Parkour scene after the song plays through.)

A Good Song
With the opening action wrapped, it's time for a song.  The James Bond opening songs (click musical note to play song) are always a product of the decade of the film.  Given that famous musicians are always brought on to provide them, this decade-relation should come as no surprise.  Consider 1965's Thunderball song "Thunderball" by Tom Jones, the obviously 80s "A View to a Kill" and "The Living Daylights" by Duran Duran and A-Ha respectively.  You'll also notice a trend of song being named after film, which has been carried through almost all of the Bond films after Dr. No.  There are some notable exceptions.  I can't believe they couldn't find someone to sing a song called "Octopussy."  Though I'm not surprised that nobody could work "Quantum of Solace" into a catchy little lyric, considering the incredibly effective way that it was worked into the film.  Oh wait...

A Cool Title 
Speaking of titles, they are almost invariably super cool.  (Note the Quantum of Solace exception given above.)  A View to a Kill, Live and Let Die... even Die Another Day, awful as the film was, is a pretty kick-ass title.  And just imagine the titles that could have come if the films had started production prior to 1962.  If you can't imagine any, Andrew Howley took care of some for you.  Two Lefts and a Reich would be incredible, and imagine the gadgets the Newton-esque Q counterpart would provide in Objects in Motion.  Then again, there are the forgotten Bond films of the Bush era.  (Actually, some of these might have been better than Die Another Day... )

A Hot Bond Girl 
Next ingredient to heat things up a bit: The playfully named Bond Girl.  Where, but in a James Bond film, could Denise Richards pass for a nuclear physicist?  And where, but in that same Bond film, would that physicists name be "Christmas Jones"?  And where, but in that same film, would Pierce Brosnan get to say "I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey" and not be talking about December 25?  There's a whole vast history of beautiful women who have seduced, tricked, trapped, been trapped with, and, in the latest Bond story arc, even broken the heart of James Bond.  There are also some great Bond girls who never were, and hopefully never will be.

A Super Creepy, Crazy Villain
 Finally, let's wrap it all up with a villain who just wants to watch the world burn.  No, wait, that's the Joker.  But seriously, Bond villains aren't far from the supervillains of the comic book world, especially in terms of their plots for world domination or turning a quick (billion) buck(s).  Whether they cry blood, carry golden guns, throw deadly bowler hats, or love gold, these villains all have one thing in common:  They expect Bond to die.  Of course, they'll toy with him a bit first.  Or torture him mercilessly in one of the most painful sequences I've ever seen on film.  (Looking at you, Casino.)  The point is, it can't be simple.  It's all a game.  A most complicated game.


All told these ingredients combined (shaken, not stirred) work together to create a gem of a Bond movie.  And it sounds like Skyfall makes the grade.  Catch it in theaters this weekend.  (I get money from MGM now, right? That's how that works?)

For those who have Monday off, enjoy the long weekend.  I'll be back on Tuesday with what I anticipate will be some smaller scale reporting than this week's.

Til next week,

Mousseau. Evan Mousseau
(Please, like you didn't know I would sign off like that.)

Remember, Remember

I hope you all had enjoyable and restful weekends full of friends, family, and perhaps even a little treating yo self.  Though none of you owned up to it, some of you may even have been kicking off beards and novels!  One reader submitted some particularly impressive beards to strive for.  Interestingly, this list of 10 epic beards also brings to light the important connection between hat and facial hair.  The proper pairing is crucial, it would appear.

And speaking of hat-hair combinations, let us discuss the famous combination of the day.  The black hat, creepy mask that is the face of today, November 5, or Guy Fawkes Day.  Guy Fawkes Day (or Night) has been celebrated in Britain for years, as a celebration of the arrest of Guy Fawkes on November 5, 1605, as he guarded explosives intended to destroy the House of Lords.  Now the holiday is commemorated with fireworks and bonfires, often including the burning of an effigy (usually of Guy Fawkes, though some towns make controversial picks...)  The holiday is also celebrated by comic book nerds, action movie fans, and Natalie Portman lovers worldwide, as they use it as an excuse to watch the Fawkes-themed V for Vendetta.  (Not to be confused with the equally harrowing C for Cookie.)

But when we "Remember remember the 5th of November" for Guy Fawkes alone, what are we "Forgetting, forgetting?"  I've picked two things that we should remember not to forget in all of our remembering.

Remember 1:  Bryan and Ryan Adams' Birthday.  Okay, so this is technically two things.  But seriously, how weird is it that two similarly named but unrelated musicians have the SAME birthday?!  Now, to be perfectly honest, I don't know too much about Ryan Adams, though a quick YouTube search led me to this beautiful song.  He's also got a damn good cover of Wonderwall that totally changes the song.  Seriously, I am probably saying stuff that everybody who knows about music already knows.  I'm just discovering this stuff for the first time.  I'm much more well-versed in the music of Canada's second-greatest export, Bryan Adams.  (Sorry, Celine, Martin Short is first greatest.)  The Bryan Adams compilation album "So Far So Good," with that iconic muddy tire cover was a regular rider on the three-disc carousel of my family's stereo, and I was the one who kept granting it admission.  And my knowledge of "Summer of '69" once earned me bonus points on a high school English exam, as I finished the sentence "I got my first real six-string, bought it at the  five and dime."  I could sing-along to pretty much the whole album, from the best thing about Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*, "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,"  to "Can't Stop This Thing We Started."  So, at the very least, if you don't want to Remember, Remember Bryan and Ryan today, Imagine Imagine me at age seven dancing around my living room singing this. 

Remember 2:  Of much greater historical significance than Messrs. Ryan and Ryan, 150 years ago today, on November 5, 1872, Susan B. Anthony cast her vote in the 1872 presidential election.  Though she backed the winning candidate, Ulysses S Grant, when she "positively voted the Republican ticket," she ended up with a $100 fine for her action.  She never paid this fine, but her arrest, her sham of a trial under justice Ward Hunt, and her fine, all served to further the women's suffrage movement, as Anthony addressed the question, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?"  

Even more than Guy Fawkes day; even more than Bryan and Ryan Adams; and even more than adorable, pajama-clad, seven-year-old Evan looking back now at a summer that seemed to last forever, Readers, remember, remember the vote of Susan B Anthony today.  Specifically, remember it in preparation to commemorate it tomorrow.  When asked the question that Susan B. Anthony posed following her vote 150 years ago, "Is it a crime for a citizen of the United States to vote?," I encourage the readership of the Morning Report to answer not with words, but with actions, by voting in tomorrow's election.

*How about that for a negatively positive review of a song?

***   FOLLOW-UP  ***

Following on the Guy Fawkes description, one reader asked: "Were the explosively [sic] to be placed just beneath the chamber of the House of Lords? Would the explosion not have destroyed the Palace of Westminster in its entirety, and therefore the Commons as well?"

I did a bit of history digging and found out more:

I did some digging and found this map of Westminster from the mid 18th century. A bit later than we are discussing, but let us assume the layout was the same. 

H of L indicates the House of Lords, while H of Commons indicates the House of Commons. 

While V was able to take down the whole building, the explosives available to Mr Fawkes and the rest of the Gunpowder Plotters were far more rudimentary than those of the dystopic future. 

Fawkes was found guarding 36 barrels of gunpowder. Enough to obliterate the House of Lords and kill the not-Catholic King James I, but not enough to reduce the Palace to rubble. The goal was ultimately to eliminate James and replace him with his Catholic daughter. James' supporters would no doubt also be taken out in this assassination attempt, but the symbolic destruction of the establishment ended there, not with the total destruction of the building/government as it did for the masked and revenge-driven anarchist of Alan Moore's creation.

Halloweek Day 5 - All Hallow's Report

It's here!  The day we've been waiting for all Halloweek!  The day we get to see what the Great Pumpkin brought the Report.  Gifts?!  Candy?!  Are we the most faithful pumpkin patch, or -- AUGH!  Wait!  That's not the Great Pumpkin!  We've been tricked!  We waited all week and all we got was a stupid beagle!  Drats!  Well, there's always next year...

For now, I'll try to make it up to you with a ton of Halloween links! Let's celebrate the day with some scary stories, music, and movies...

Stories 
While I hope by now all readers affected by Hurricane Sandy have had their power restored, those living by candlelight have the perfect atmosphere for reading a few scary stories.  You could choose to go the classic route, with a story by Poe.  I would recommend "The Tell-Tale Heart" or, my all-time favorite, "The Cask of Amontillado."  You could plunge into some 90s elementary school nostalgia and check out a copy of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, though just the illustrations are enough to give you nightmares for all of November.  For more modern, longer reads, I recommend checking out Mark Z. Danielewski's newest book, The Fifty Year Sword or, longer yet, the haunting and incredible House of Leaves.  Or for a free read, check out these free and classic downloads compiled by GalleyCat for Neil Gaiman's brilliant "All Hallow's Read."  But really, you can't go wrong with just making up some spooky stories of your own.  Just remember to start them off with "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society..."

Music
 Sure, radio stations and department stores are already playing Christmas music.  But that doesn't mean we can't celebrate the Pumpkin Carols and haunting tunes of this holiday first.  Problem is... There aren't too many.  Sure we can do the Mash and Thriller.  And a few movie tunes work to remind us Who We Gonna Call, since This Is Halloween.  These lack something of the classic holiday feel that Christmas Carols have, even when sung by Bing Crosby.  (Who knew he had a Halloween song?!)  My favorite, though?  The modern 30 Rock classic, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah!
 
Movies 
What this holiday lacks in music it makes up for in movies.  You can get away with any horror movie and justify it, but I think there should be a bit more specificity.  It doesn't exactly make sense to justify watching a Friday the 13th film because it's Wednesday the 31st...  Any of the many Universal Monster movies are solid choices, and even offer some non-scary options for the 'fraidy cats out there.  If the monster connection isn't substantial enough for you, though, you can get Halloween-specific.  We've already called out Nightmare Before Christmas above, but what about other Disney classics like Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus.  For those looking for something a little more mature, I recommend Trick 'r Treat.  It's an excellent blend of horror and comedy (Trick AND Treat!) that has all the making of a tragically overlooked modern classic.

And that's a wrap for the Report's coverage of Halloweek.  Too bad we got tricked by that stupid beagle.  But keep the faith and maybe next year we'll prove worthy of a visit from the Great Pumpkin himself!

Tomorrow we'll return to classic reporting...  I've got a whole lot of great non-Halloween materials that we've missed over the past week.

Til then, Happy Haunting!

Halloweek Day 1 - History and Hounds

After yet another little vacation (up to Boston to see The Mountain Goats, then NH to see the premiere of my new play, "To the Moon"), we're back and ready for some Halloween fun.  We're a week out from that favorite holiday of hooligans and candy companies, so I thought it would be appropriate to spend a few days of reporting covering the topics near and dear to the holiday.  And what's that in the banner?  Could it be?  The Great Pumpkin, rising out of the Pumpkin Patch?!  Stay tuned as we creep closer to Halloween and see what happens!
 
Before we get into costumes and candy and spooky stories, it's important we know what exactly it is we're dealing with here.  What is Halloween?  Where did it come from?  Lucky for us, the History Channel has put together a nice, dry history of the day (the videos are a bit more fun), tracing it back to the Celtic festival of Samhain.  If your mental cogs are working like mine this morning, you'll put the pieces together and know it's no coincidence that this holiday so associated with the color orange started off in Ireland... Gingers.  No wonder it's so scary.
 
But if the history of how Samhain became All Hallow's Eve became Trick or Treat is a bit too boring for you, check out this infographic.  Where do you fit in to these stats?  I know I'm not producing any pumpkins this year.  (Though I did know pumpkins are gourds.  But more on gourds later...)  I have contributed to the 35 million pounds of candy corn sold, and I used to be in the 30% of candy organizers back when I was among the 35 million in that prime Trick or Treating age.  I plan on being one of the 120 million dressing up, though I won't be doing it on the day itself (does that still count) and I will definitely be part of the 72% giving out candy.  As for the 24 pounds of candy I'm supposed to have eaten in the past year as an average American... No comment.
 
Now, what about these 11.5% of Americans who dress their pets for Halloween?  Of all the statistics presented in that graphic, that's the one I want evidence on.  Luckily, the Internet provides.  I'm assuming dogs are the most commonly dressed animal, and certainly the most frequently seen in costume.  Some place called Tompkins Square even has a parade for costumed pups.  I love the dog lobster, and I bet that dog, along with all the others whose costumes involved being carried or carted about, enjoyed himself the most.  Hipster dog and banana dog look like they have a tough time seeing, while Woof With the Wind and Evita (in the comments) probably qualify as mild animal abuse.  Favorite, though?  The moose dog.  Obviously.  But dogs aren't the only ones having fun.  Rats, cats, hedgehogs, and even a camel get in on the action.  (Sorry to report there is a lack of costumed fish.)  The cat in number 9 suggests why cats don't get dressed up much, while dogs continue to dominate the costume competition.  Though horse dog is terrifying, the dog dressed as Fluffy is one of the best costumes I've ever seen on human or animal.
 
And speaking of human costumes... We'll cover that in tomorrow's report.

But first a costume idea from this day in history:  Just wear a barrel and say you're going as Annie Edson Taylor.  She hopped in a barrel 111 years ago today and became the first to survive the trip over Niagara Falls in one.
 
Seven days until the Great Pumpkin!

Punctuation Day. Period.

After this weekend, autumn is officially upon us (it began on Saturday), so prepare for lots of Fall-related Reports.  Decorative Gourd's are already popping-up in grocery stores, so it can only be a matter of time...

But first, a disgruntled and impatient reader sent me an e-mail earlier this morning alerting me that today is National Punctuation Day.  This reader had some choice uses for punctuation marks, which I won't repeat here for the sake of decency.  But (and I'm sure this won't be good for keeping his ego at a reasonable level) he has influenced the Report for the day.  I am, after all, a Technical Editor by trade.  My missing Punctuation Day would be like an elf not celebrating Christmas.

To celebrate this glorious grammarian day, here are some useful and comical pointers on punctuation use.  First up, some classics from The Oatmeal on "How To Use an Apostrophe" and "How To Use a Semicolon."  The grammar lessons of middle school would have been so much more interesting with these examples.  These, of course, are two mysterious pieces of punctuation that are often the subject of question, self-doubt, and second guessing.  Another piece of punctuation, used in the last sentence, is a subject of much debate:  The Oxford Comma (also known as the serial comma).

The Oxford Comma, most famous for its title role in a Vampire Weekend song, is a contentious piece of punctuation.  In fact, the first question of my interview for my current position asked how I felt about the Oxford Comma.  If it is unclear by my consistent use of it in the Report, I'm for it, just as the sandwich club is for frilly toothpicks.  Others are opposed.  The New York Times, for instance, doesn't use them.  Some argue that maintaining use of the Oxford Comma is simply being a slave to historic grammatical convention, just like the type-writer imposed two spaces after a period that is not relevant in a computer-font world.  This, as NPR's blogger Linda Holmes observes, is not the case.  As you can see from this comic, the Oxford Comma is fundamentally important in reducing ambiguity.  Please embrace it.  Or respond with a compelling argument for the opposition.

Along with celebrating the Oxford Comma and other pieces of punctuation, there are numerous options for birthday celebrations of note.  Readers could...

• Have a Coke and a Smile for Mean Joe Greene;
• Play the music and light the lights for Jim Henson; or
• Believe in the green light for F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Peace, love, and Oxford Commas

Goat with the Flow (Maybe?)

I hope everyone is slowly easing into the week, perhaps recovering from their raucous Bastille Day festivities.  A half-day on Friday prevented me from distributing a Report at the end of last week, bringing me one day short of having a five-for-five distribution week.  That blasted Friday the 13th, foiling my plans!  And with a Monday meeting yesterday, it looks like this won't be the week we return to perfect distribution, either.

The lack of a Report on Friday was particularly tragic, in that it delayed the distribution of an important news item.  My desk phone at work, as some of you may know, has a rotating news display, which provides headlines gathered from the AP.  It is not unlike an RSS feed, except I cannot click a link on my phone, meaning if I want to know more about the story, I need to search for it on Google.  Which is why, on Friday, I found myself taking a break from the document I was working on to search for "Surfing Goats Ride Waves in Southern California."  Yes, that's right, surfing goats.  I can't decide whether this is more or less ridiculous than the surfing dogs discussed a few weeks ago.  On the one hand, goats, given their impressive balancing abilities when climbing, seem a natural animal to have hang-hoof.  On the other hand, bringing your goat to the beach is much less common.  Luckily, surf goat owner and trainer, Dana McGregor was on-hand to explain his logic:  " He taught his goats to surf because he loves to ride the waves and thought they would like it, too."  Oh.  Of course.  I discussed this with Jon, who decided to apply a similar logic pattern to another animal situation:  "I taught my horse to ride horses because I love riding horses and thought he would like it, too."  No doubt there are many other humorous applications of McGregor's poor logic.  ("I taught my fish to fish..." "I taught my snake to ski..." "I taught my rat to cook...")

Today we also offer our continued coverage of that breakout song of the summer, "Call Me Maybe."  In past reports, we've seen it sung by corgis and Cookie Monsters, but today we offer it explained by Harold Brodkey.  A note before you read: This interpretation is a bit more mature than those we've covered in the past.  That is to say, when I riffed on the "C-word" in introducing the Sesame Street piece, I did not foresee linking to a piece where C would not be for Cookie.  (Nor, here, is it for "Carly" or "Call Me.")  Still, even with its inappropriate language, the piece is worth a read for its hilarity.  This interpretation's repetition certainly highlights the absurdity of the song's insistence that this guy is so attractive that it is hard to look directly at him.  (Is he a solar eclipse?  A metaphor, maybe.)  My commentary on the piece can't add much more to its humor so just... Read it.  But only if you feel like it, you know, because I don't want to be controlling, so I say, "Read it, maybe."

If Tuesday is getting you down, head over to the Happiest Place on Earth!  Disneyland is celebrating the 57th anniversary of its dedication and opening today.

India Ink

Another late day for the Report... I'm afraid I accidentally slept in a bit today and spent quite a bit of the morning feeling like this little guy.  But now I've got a stomach full of terrible work coffee and my eyes are open, at least for a little while.  Great responses to yesterday's soda debate (sodebate?), as Mr. Mueth offered another map and some perspective from "an odd island of soda in a sea of pop."  Tamara, meanwhile, found more examples of Rhode Island-ese, in her attempt to translate PSDS:  "We saw BSNDS at the zoo in Franklin Park. We bought it at CS and Roebuck's. Mother always said, "Don't forget to wash behind your ES." The Boos and GS got to Mantle. PS are a juicy fruit. Crying causes TS. This car VS to the left."

While yesterday we discussed words that divide from within a culture, today, we're discussing words that cross from one language and culture to another.  The BBC has a great article on the Hobson-Jobson dictionary, which catalogs words the English language has borrowed from India.  The origin of "dam(n)" is particularly interesting, but what really surprised me was how many commonplace words have Indian roots.  Of course, words like yoga, jodhpur, sari, and guru come from India, but so many of the words (pyjamas, cot, shampoo, atoll, bandana, etc.) are ones that I've always assumed have long been English, not adopted.  The repetition-based words are also fun to say out loud.  Though you'll probably look silly mumbling "higgledy-piggledy" to yourself at work.
 
And as long as we're looking at items involving Britain interfacing with the world, check out the video that the BBC is using as their Olympics titles.  (NOTE: The link auto-plays a video, so be ready for sound right when you click here.)  The video is a brilliant concept, featuring the Olympics just completely taking over England, from the city to the country.  (Surely better than the Opening Ceremonies where the English countryside takes over the Olympics... Including live animals!)  And even beyond the phenomenal integration of sport to site, the transitions between events and locations is also great.  I'm particularly taken with the diver-to-rower transition.
 
Don't stop thinkin' about tomorrow... Because it will be Friday!  But as you think about that, find some time to think about today, too, and about the 69th birthday of Christine McVie, the Fleetwood Mac member who wrote "Don't Stop," "You Make Lovin' Fun" and other hit songs for the greatest album of all time, Rumours.
 
It'll soon be here!

More Sights and Sounds of Summer

Holy Heatwave, Batman!  DC seems incredibly aware that yesterday was the Summer Solstice.  The door has closed on springtime and, unlike the revolving door transition between winter and spring, where we got tiny, alternating tastes of each season, we have been thrust into the full heat of summer the day it starts.  Just as the heat continues, so the Report continues with summer stories.  (Though the sun has now descended to its usual banner location.  But that doesn't mean it's going down, as some readers have suggested.  Though... Yes, it is too late in the day for it to be rising now...)

First up, for those of you who aren't keen on surf rock as the sound of your summer, NPR has an alternative.  They have analyzed the Billboard charts from June to August for every year since 1962, picking out the top Songs of the Summer for fifty years... Don't let the fact that the list is at the bottom of the article confuse you, though.  The link to hear the tunes is at the top of the page between the headline and the Mini Surfer.  The random order of the mix makes for some interesting results... When I was checking this out yesterday, Bill Withers' fade out encouragement to "Lean On Me" gave way to "Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt..."  Oh, Baby Got Back. Classic.  And I admit, there have been times where I was wishing for a skip track offering, only to find that the only way I could avoid listening to the Macarena was to hit mute for a while.  Of course, once you've heard the Macarena, it's in your head for the rest of the day.  Sorry if the same applies for reading the word...  Biggest surprise find of the playlist:  Icona Pop's "I Love It," which is not, it turns out, some song I'd never heard of from the 80s, much as it sounds like that...

And, at risk of repeating the structure of yesterday's report almost exactly, here are some dogs who found ways other than surfing to beat the heat.  Of course, they'll all still smell like wet dog.  Except the smarties at the water fountains or the ones who got frozen treats.  Relaxed as 17 looks, I think 6 has the best strategy... Though 8 probably has the most fun and 11 has the cute toys.  Funny how different dogs react to water.  1 is in pure doggy bliss, while 7 is so clearly terrified.

Finally, if lying in a pile of ice cubes isn't your idea of cooling off, maybe hanging out in the air conditioning with a good book would suit you better.  If you're not sure what to read, and aren't taken by my less than subtle Chabon plug, maybe this flowchart will help.  With 101 to choose from, there's bound to be something good there that you've yet to read.  That said, the list is made by teach.com, meaning that there are a whole bunch of young adult aimed books on there.  Don't worry, no judgment for picking one of those... Just... Get it on Kindle so no one can tell what you're reading!

Well, ~150 songs, 20 dogs, and 101 books seems like a good place to leave things for the day.  After all, it's Go Skateboarding Day, apparently, so I should be out there on the board Ollying and Pop-Shoving-It and... Oh, who are we kidding, I'm totally just going to do this.

Dog (Surf) Days of Summer Solstice

Could it be that the sun is sitting a little higher in the banner's sky today?  No, we're not continuing our celebration of Paul Dano and Little Miss Sunshine.  (Believe me, dear reader, I would love to... But that would be observed with a yellow bus zooming past in the report background and a .gif of me dancing to Superfreak.)  No, we're observing the Summer Solstice!  Yes, today's the day, that long and lazy day where the sun reaches its highest position in the sky and in the report banner.

And what better way to celebrate the beginning of those dog days of summer with a surfing centered report!  That's right, shoobies, the Report is hitting the beach!  But first, we'll need some tunes to crank out over the peaceful sounds of those waves lapping at the shore.  (Seriously, leave that on in the background while your boombox and/or other Internet tabs play some music.)  I could just recommend listening to this on repeat all day, but there are too many surf rock tunes to do that.  And thankfully one reader recently turned me on to a band that has put together some amazing mixes at Reverberation Radio.  I recommend Reverberation #14.  And the music of the band itself, cleverly named the Allah-Lahs, also comes with that great classic surf feel.

Of course, I get it, those twangy reverberations and good vibrations aren't for everyone.  (Though if you don't like "Good Vibrations," you'll have to do some work to prove to me that you have a soul.)  For those of you who don't like surf rock, I offer... Surf bark.  Yes, for some reason this happened.  And not just once, but six times before this, as well.  That's seven years of slobbery surf and wet dog wipeouts.  But what a fun world record to set... Bummer to be one of the dogs that jumped off, though... No place in the record for bailing out, they went home tail between their legs.  Anyway... Totally teaching Archer to surf next time I'm in NH.  Too bad he'll be afraid of the surfboard.  And the waves.  And the sand.

That's all for today.  Enjoy the long sunshine and the incredibly appropriate fact that it's Brian Wilson's birthday!  Make his day and send him a letter telling him the name of your favorite vegetable (I know that you'll feel better.)  Or just hit the beach, boys and girls!  Wouldn't that be nice!

As the sun rises high and things heat up, remember to keep cool cool.

Father's Day (Observed)

Thanks for all of positive feedback thus far on the new report features and the blog.  I've made a few updates to the blog and put up a few more old Reports.  In spite of requests/suggestions, these updates do not include an animated .gif logo to clarify that the sun is, indeed, rising.  Nor do they include a banner variant where the O in Report is also a sun.  (Though if we ever have a report about Star Wars/Tatooine, rest assured a double-sun header will be used.)

The internet this weekend was abuzz with Father's Day fun, including a very cute Google doodle.  However, as has always been the case, there is no Report on the weekend, so we're compiling a few of the more Report-worthy Father's Day links today.  So, Fathers of the Report, rejoice, you get a second father's day!  (To my knowledge there are only three fathers among our readership at this time... If there are more that I don't know of, Congratulations!)

Let's start off with music.  The Art of Manliness has compiled a list of their Best Songs About Dads.  Some tear-jerkers in there, including Eric Clapton's "My Father's Eyes," which is particularly poignant when the song's full background is explained, as it is in this list.  (Clapton, of course, holds this Reporter's record for Saddest Song Ever with "Tears In Heaven.")  "Daughter" is a fun number, "Cat's In the Cradle" was a car radio staple in my memory, and "Just the Two of Us" now stands out in my mind as a song that they mercifully chose not to use in the soundtrack for The Pursuit of Happyness.  What do you think, did their list miss any big ones?  Feel free to take a browse around the Art of Manliness site, too.  Lot's of entertaining and interesting stuff there, including a very Teddy Roosevelt heavy list of 100 Must-Read books.  Also featured there is a link over to another excellent (future) Dad's Day piece, Rules for My Unborn Son.  This highly addicting tumblr is full of quips and wisdom, and was one of the first sites I knew of that made the blog-to-book transition.

And, of course, it wouldn't be a holiday at the Report if we didn't draw attention to some animal stories, too.  Fathers of the animal kingdom have always sort of been ignored in collections of cute animal photography, it seems to me.  Certainly there are a lot of deadbeat animal dads that abandon their family... And some dead dads, as well.  But Animal Planet has compiled a nice list of the Top Ten Animal Dads.  The seahorse, famous for its pregnant pa, is an obvious choice for number one.  And I'm sure Morgan Freeman approves of the high ranking placement of the Emperor Penguin.  I wonder if my desire for some rearrangement of this list isn't influenced by Disney, as I really want to bump the lion up a few spots, given Mufasa's self-sacrifice and starry advising.  I'm also sad to see that the clownfish didn't make the list, as I know the extremes a father clownfish would go through to find his son Harpo... Bingo?...  Fabio?...  Chico?

That's all for today.  Hope your Monday deserves two thumbs up... It's Roger Ebert's birthday!

Views in the Sky, News on the Ground

Apologies for the brief hiatus, things have been busy at the FAA.  The industry is abuzz as Rainn Wilson's In-Flight Magazine article created stirs last week.  His idea of a Skymall only birthday party sounds like a great time, and his observation on airline movies is spot-on.  (I never would have seen The Talented Mr. Ripley if it hadn't been literally unavoidable, projected before me on the screen immediately in front of me, years before I should ever have seen someone bludgeoned to death. Sorry, Spoilers.)  And I've been fielding important calls from fashion designers all week to weigh-in on the history of in-flight uniforms. 

Troubling news yesterday morning from abroad on my phone-news, though, as an alarming kidnapping hits Poland and news of a sad death comes from Russia.  First, I was informed that seven endangered monkeys were stolen from a Polish zoo.  While the article is quick to suggest a motive (thanks, Krzysztof Kazanowski), it tragically lacks pictures... Perhaps because including images of these hilariously mustachioed monkeys would have diminished the levity of their kidnapping.  We can only hope that some equally adorable tamarin-san launches a rescue of Monkey-Miyagi.  Tail-sweep the leg!

In other tragic news, a man who forever changed the course of viral-video history passed away yesterday after suffering a stroke in early April.  Eduard Khil, also known as Mr. Trololo, has, as the article regrettably puts it, sung his final note.  The resurgence of his video made him an internet phenomenon, and led to some great parodies.  My personal favorite came following the Oscars last year, and featured Best Supporting Actor winner Christoph Waltz reflecting on his early role in the cult classic experimental film "Der Humpink."  (Toss some headphones on for that one if you're viewing at work, things get a little racy.  Of course, your silly giggling may give you away.)

And let's give a big, invisible hand to economist Adam Smith, who turns 289 today.  (And no coincidence, he shares a birthday with American financial wiz Suze Orman... Let's hope Suze does something nice for her big day.  She can afford it.)

Like Rainn Wilson, I wish you well, dear reader, on your journey.

Born This Day & WK

Today, as you may or may not be aware, is a special day for the Report.  As calendar and traditional custom dictate, today is my birthday.  And I am in the prime of my life, at 23.  (23 being the smallest two-digit prime number whose digits, when added together, sum to form a prime number.)  Of course, I was not the only one born today.  I share the honor with such historical figures as JFK, John Hinkley Jr., and Patrick Henry.  It's also an important day in the world of music, with Danny Elfman and Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown celebrating birthdays, and Bing Crosby recording White Christmas.  (In May!  I know, right?!)  And it's a great day to get high; Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay were the first to summit Everest on this day in 1953, and John H. Balsley, carpenter and inventor of the safety step-ladder was born.

On account of it being my birthday and all, I was planning on sharing some of my favorite things with you all, but then realized that given the structure of the Report, that's pretty much what I do on a daily basis anyway.  So I'm going to pick one amazing thing and focus on it, using an "On This Day In History" event as a starting point.  On this day in 1886, John Pemberton placed the first advertisement for Coca-Cola in the Atlanta Journal.  Since then, the advertising has become much brighter and more creative, with current advertising work headed by one of my favorite companies, the advertising agency Wieden and Kennedy.  Their work for Coca-Cola alone includes some of the more memorable recent ads, including the inside-machine Happiness Factory (love that jingle!) and the sneaky bugs of Heist.  But seriously, explore through the WK page... Some really phenomenal work going on there by brilliant creatives.

And it wouldn't be a good birthday report without a whole bunch of birthday puppies!

Well, that's all for today.  Do something really big somewhere really small; on this day in 1890, Rhode Island ratified the Constitution and became the 13th state!

Worried Animals and Time Travel

 A few of you provided responses to yesterday's Report with your quotes.  One was thrilled with the inclusion of P.G. Wodehouse, while lamenting the Guardian's failure to include Anna Karenina and Catcher In the Rye (though Catcher is mentioned in passing for its similarity to Huckleberry Finn), as well as their terrible oversight of A Tale of Two Cities.  Another interestingly turned my proposal that the rest of the book bears a heavy influence on the lasting fame of the opening line, noting that a strong opening line (and ten pages or so) can be just as crucial to the rest of the book.  If the reader or publisher can put the book down after the first few pages, it's going to have a hard time making a lasting impact...

And before you put this report down before reading the rest of it, let's get down to business.  In a rather appropriate find on my sick day, I stumbled upon these 35 Animals Who Are Kind of Worried About Me!  I must say, I'm not pleased with the Overreacting Cat who doesn't believe I was actually not feeling well...  The hedgehog in 30 is worried about how few of the opening lines I recognized myself from Wednesday's post, while 17 knows how much I've been listening to One Direction.  (Shut up, eagle, they tell me I'm beautiful!)  33, maybe I should hire you to edit the Report.  And 32, I can't promise you everything's okay, but if a dog and a cat can cuddle like that, I'm more inclined to say with some certainty that things will be.

But let's consider again the anxieties of Eagle 17.  Boy bands seem to be making a bizarre resurgence of late.  How did this happen?  I decided to do some research.  I haven't arrived at a conclusion, but I have found a great Radio Time Machine tool to help.  While the Machine allows exploration of the Billboard Top 100 all the way back to 1940, I find I'm stuck in the 80s and 90s.  As the Breakfast Club implores me not to forget about them, Deniece Williams gives the boy a hand, and Dionne Warwick tells me I can always count on her, for sure (that's what friends are for), I am suddenly jarred by Rock Me Amadeus (What the hell is that?!).  I leave the 80s for the comfort of my childhood 90s, where TLC reminds me not to go chasing waterfalls, Toni Braxton wants me to un-break her heart, and R. Kelly believes he can fly, and I find that every song reminds me either of riding in a minivan or rollerskating at Happy Wheels.  (Remember that, NH readers?!)  Trust me, this is a musical adventure while worth plugging in headphones and exploring.  You might just learn something.  (Did you know that Lady Marmalade was in the top 100 twice?! Once in 1975 and then once in 2001!)

Anyway, enjoy the musical time travel.  If you check out 1970, be sure to congratulate Will Arnett's parents on their hilarious new baby!