Final Countdown Day 5 - Real Shoddy Narrating

The Great Experiment concludes!  This is the series finale of our 5 part Final Countdown to the Arrested Development Season 4 premale.

Whereas Day 3 of the Final Countdown focused on minor characters, our finale focuses on an actor who, while he only appears in one episode, is a vocal presence in every episode of the series.  Child star turned teen star turned successful film director and producer, Ron Howard holds the vocal reins of Arrested Development as the show's narrator. Whether he's correcting GOB or criticizing the narrator of Scandalmakers, Howard gets some of the show's best jokes. And some of these reference previous points of Howard's career.

In the Season 1 episode Public Relations, for example, Ron gets to make a crack about his time on The Andy Griffith Show. When Jessie the publicist pejoratively refers to George-Michael as Opie, Howard's narration warns that "she had best watch her mouth."  Howard, of course, started his career playing young Opie on The Andy Griffith Show. Andy Griffith earns another shout out when the Bluths try to hire him as a fake lawyer given his work on Matlock, but leaves suspecting the Bluths are making fun of him with their cabin-car. The narrator stresses "No one was making fun of Andy Griffith."

But his influence on the show extends far beyond his voice and jokes about his childhood stardom. Ron Howard plays the nepotism card. For starters, there's conservationist and tree-dweller Johnny Bark, played by Ron's own brother! But that's just a one episode part. For more significant parts, we turn to Howard's former Happy Days co-stars. Most prominently, there's Barry Zuckercorn, played by Henry Winkler, famous for the Happy Days character Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli.

Arrested's writers take advantage of the Fonz's fame plenty, too. Most obviously there is the moment he strikes his iconic "no-comb-required" pose in a bathroom mirror. Then another iconic Fonz moment gets recreated when the Bluths track down the shark that ate the flipper of the seal that ate the hand of Buster. After discussing the situation (that the seal itself was still missing), Barry jumps over the shark, referencing the most infamous scene in Happy Days history.

The final joke about the Fonz is actually delivered by a character who isn't Barry Zuckerkorn. In Season 3, the Bluths family replaces Barry with the law-blogging Bob Loblaw, played by Scott Baio. Baio originally came into stardom on... You guessed it, Happy Days, where he was brought in as the Fonz's cousin Charles "Chachi" Arcola in the show's fifth season (actually just two episodes before the Fonz jumped the shark). Chachi quickly earned positive reviews from young teenage girls, basically replacing the older Winkler as the show's young heartthrob. Loblaw references this when he tells the Bluths "Look, this is not the first time I've been brought in to replace Barry Zuckerkorn. I think I can do for you everything he did. Plus, skew younger. With juries and so forth."

In the end, Ron Howard does finally make an appearance... as Ron Howard!  The series finale features one final "On the Next Arrested Development," this time called "On the Epilogue of Arrested Development." Here, Ron Howard plays himself as a film executive hearing Maeby pitch the story of her family.  Howard's response has been talked about by fans for years:  "I don't see it as a series... Maybe a movie."

Those ten words have kept fans hoping for years that an Arrested Development film would be released.  And on May 26th the wait is over... Only unlike Ron Howard, we see it as a series.

Enjoy it!  It's Arrested Development.

"He was actually found in a hole near the house, but this inattention to detail was typical of the laziness the show's narrator was known for." - The Narrator, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 4 - The Most Lavish Party

Another entry in the Great Experiment, in which we release all of our Arrested Development reports at once, Netflix style!

Up to this point, we've refreshed our knowledge on running jokes and minor characters.  With that refresher course, you're just about ready to host your Arrested Development Season 4 Party.  The only thing left to plan is the party itself.

There's no shortage of sites right now that will give you all the party planning advice you need.  VH1 is in on the action with the most basic list.  "Booze, banners, balloons," to start things off almost sounds like a Schrutian reference to another recently concluded sitcom.  Their friendly reminder to have guests show up is also a nice way to revisit the one time in 53 episodes that you sort of feel bad for Lucille.  Boston.com has a pretty solid list that covers attire, food, and activities.  Buzzfeed even helps you out with making some of the less appealing Arrested food items a little more palatable, modifying the recipe for that Bluth family favorite, Hot Ham Water.  The Huffington Post also has great food suggestions, while Brightest Young Things riffs on the characters names instead of the show's menu.

To save you some time exploring all the different party suggestions, here's a rough outline of what to expect when I finally get around to holding mine.  (It's gonna be a re-viewing party a couple weeks after the premiere.  Mark your calendars, book your flights!)

COSTUMES

You'd better be wearing one.  I'm not asking you to blue yourself or find something that says "Dad loves leather," even the slightest costume will do.  Toss on some cut-offs and glasses and come as Tobias.  Tie some scarves together, clutch a knife in your teeth and you're a magician called GOB.  Put on your high-fastening pants and slide your hand up your sleeve, boom, you're Buster!  And finally, an excuse to whip out theSLUT t-shirt you've had tucked away in your closet all these years.  Just don't wear the elephant broach -- you don't want to invite the comparison.

DECOR

First of all, the banner is a must.  While "FAMILY LOVE MICHAEL" is nice, I'm partial to "You're killing me, Buster." Ambitious hosts can turn their stairs into a staircar and build a model home homefill warhead to put in the secret room.  Disguise your bathroom as the Aztec Tomb!  And be sure to clean the attic in case anyone goes up there to have pop-pop.

ACTIVITIES

Sure the highlight of the night will be 15 new episodes of Arrested Development, but you probably want to warm-up a bit.  Sandracing and marksmanship are good group activities, just be sure to have the proper awards.  A rousing game of "Pin the Eyebrow on Stan Sitwell" makes for good fun, too.  And if the urge to dance hits you, might I suggest the chicken dance?  Karaoke is always good family fun, too.

FOOD

Here's what's going to make or break your Arrested party.  You've got plenty to choose from, choose wisely!

• Candy Beans - Make sure you have an extra bowl, just in case something goes wrong with Sitwell's eyebrows.
• Frozen Bananas - Obviously.  But remember, 10 cents gets you nuts.  And watch out for Mr. Banana-grabber.
• Ice cream sandwiches - Go ahead, have a love affair with one!
• Hot Ham Water - Served watery, but with a smack of ham.
• Cornballs - For a danger-filled activity, invite guests to make their own cornballs.
• Fried cheese and other dippable food items... With club sauce.
• Skip's Scramble - Don't order the Skip's Scramble.
• Cereal - Serve in an ash tray.
• Mayon-egg - Step 1. Take a packet of mayonaise... It's so cute.

DRINK

Here are a few character-based beverages you can offer your guests.  Just be sure to finish all the bottles before the night ends so the booze doesn't go bad.  You're guests will leave tipsier than Lucille Austero!

• Tobias Is Queen Mary - 1 part (Cloudmir) vodka, 1 part blue curaçao, 2 parts cranberry juice, serve with sugar rim to imitate diamond cream. 
• Buster - Unlimited juice, great for the designated rivers and a guarantee that your party will be off the hook!
• The George-Michael - Skip the drinks and smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.
• The Lucille - A vodka rocks and a piece of toast.

On the Next Morning Report: We learn more about the one narrator who had the voice to keep them all together.

"Michael, you haven’t heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday." - Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 3 - Them?

The Great Experiment continues!  Like Netflix, we're distributing all of our remaining Arrested Development Reports in one go!

While it's the "family who lost everything" that keeps Arrested Development moving forward with their quarrels, neuroses, and huge mistakes, some the greatest laughs of the series come from their interactions with the show's supporting characters.  Buzzfeed has put together a great rundown of their 30 Greatest Arrested Development Guest Stars which should refresh your memory about the show's many smaller characters, from Annyong to Zuckercorn and every letter in between.

The problem I have with this list, though, is that it pits one or two episode characters like Cindy Lightballoon against characters like Lucille Austero, who appear in nearly a quarter of the series.  So, I've taken to ranking my top five supporting characters based on how long they spend on the show, from small (1-3 episodes), medium (4-9 episodes), and large (10 or more episodes) arcs.

Small:

Honorable Mentions:  Edna W., Ms. Barely, and Nazhgalia

5.  Uncle Jack - Martin Short as a paralyzed man carried by his goon Dragon has the best single episode appearance in the series.  "Swoop me!" 

4.  Tony Wonder - This magician played by Ben Stiller could produce Hanukkah cookies and subway club coupons from his body and appear from nowhere (or a dumbwaiter) just at the word "Wonder."

3.  Cindy Lightballoon - Who but this great redwood of a whore, played by Jane Lynch, could have gotten Lucille to say "It looked like you were tweaking her nipples through a chainlink fence."

2.  Gene Parmesan - Though he's far from the best, whether he was a fireman or some idiot with balloons, he always got us again.  

1.  J. Walter Weatherman - Though only appearing in two episodes, the life lessons ("That's why you always leave a note") of this one armed man influence the whole series.  It's too bad they killed him when they left the door open with the air conditioner on.

Medium:

Honorable Mentions: Marta, Stan Sitwell

5.  Tie: Bob Loblaw and Wayne Jarvis - One is an alternative to double-talk and keeps a law blog.  The other was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.  (He did not find their buffoonery amusing.)  These two attorneys give Barry Zuckerkorn a run for his money and keep the laughs coming.

4.  Wife of GOB - First you've got the biblical allusion and the double-joke that she was played by Will Arnett's then wife Amy Poehler.  Add to that her seal sales and love for pastel sweaters and Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution and you've got a woman any man would be lucky to marry in a series of escalating dares.

3.  Rita - Sure not everyone likes the For British Eyes Only arc, but what can I say, I'm crazy for the little dullard from Wee Britain.

2.  Maggie Lizer - In one arc blind (NOT!), in one arc pregnant (NOT!) Julia Louis-Dreyfus made a great prosecutor.

1.  Kitty Sanchez - Judy Greer does an Sure last time we saw her we thought it was "the last time," but I have a feeling we'll be saying goodbye to these ( . )( * ) again in Season 4.

Large:

Honorable Mentions: Annyong, John Beard (the news anchor)

5.  Lupe - For her holiday sweaters and her dustbustering, we'd give her an Onion and a ball of foil for her son any day.

4.  Steve Holt! - Sure he doesn't even know who his father is, but we love him just as much as Maeby does.  

3.  Ann Veal - Her?

2.  Lucille Austero - Her relationships with multiple Bluth boys (with club sauce) and her vertigo gave Liza Minelli plenty to play with in creating Lucille 2.

1.  Barry Zuckerkorn - He's the worst f*cking attorney, with a questionable social life, but his Fonz references and ability to recognize close-up photos of balls make him worth keeping around, even if he can't take the time to read plea bargains.

Hopefully we'll be seeing some of these characters returning in Season 4!

On the Next Morning Report: You can't have a party without ICE.

"And that's why you don't teach lessons to your son." - J. Walter Weatherman, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 2 - Hotcops and Candybeans

Heeeey, Readers,

While there was no Report yesterday, I'm going to try something out to make up for that fact.  In the spirit of Netflix releasing all 15 new episodes of Arrested Development at once on the 26th, I'm distributing all of the Final Countdown reports at the same time (or within a few minutes of each other... I'm not a machine).  Will you read them all at once or spread them out throughout the remaining days?  Or perhaps you will ignore them all!  Let the great experiment begin!

Not so much in the spirit of Arrested, though, I'm going to follow-up on what was promised "On the next Morning Report" by actually including the promised deeper analysis in this issue, something Mitch Hurwitz and the gang rarely did.  As any fan of the show can tell you, many of the jokes in Arrested are incredibly complex and referential, which is a major part of what makes repeat viewing so rewarding.  There is always something new to find.

First, there are the jokes that recur throughout the series.  The staircar and the Cornballer; Annyong, Steve Holt!, and Ann Veal (her?); Les Cousins Dangereux and Pop-Pop in the attic... The list goes on and on and stretches across the show's 53 episodes, making for some great re-viewing.  For instance, try to pick-up on how early hooks and missing hands start showing up!  Or have someone else do the work for you, like NPR has done here in an incredible guide to all of the show's recurring jokes.  While some are scattered throughout, others last only for a story arc (e.g., For British Eyes Only).  Most interesting of all, though, are the ones that appear as nearly straight lines across the entire series, specifically the staircar and Tobias being gay.  DC resident Adam Cole put the piece together for NPR and described his process and inspiration in an interview with Poynter.  He claims not to be a "superfan," but the infographic begs to differ.

Not included in Cole's graphic, though, are the subtle non-repeated jokes, most of which are nods to the world outside of the show.  Splitsider has captured not only 53 of these subtle jokes (that they claim you "Probably Missed," but I bet a lot of you have caught a lot of them -- you're smart people), but also 53 MORE of them!  I'm a huge fan of the stills they've captured of the articles, websites, and letters, which I've always been too lazy to pause and read myself.  And the "Make-up artist for freckles" credit has always been one of my favorites, as well as Tobias posing to match the photo of George-Michael.

There are tons of others that I love that didn't make the cut in those 106... Apparently the folks at Splitsider are not also Happy Days fans... But we'll get to that later.

On the Next Morning Report: Frightened Inmate #2 gets some company as other supporting characters take the lead.

"Annyong." - Annyong, Arrested Development

Final Countdown Day 1 - It's Arrested Development

Take a look at banner, readers!

The "T" looks like a staircar hop-on, the "I" is an idiot on a scooter (it's gotta be GOB), and the sun just blue itself.  Most of our readership will probably recognize these banner changes as signs that the Report is gearing up to countdown to the May 26 return of Arrested Development!

So apologies to the readers who haven't seen Arrested Development before, as the next few issues of the Report won't make much sense to you.  They'll be chock-full of references (Allusions! References are something a book makes for copyright purposes.) like that parenthetical.  So, while you could just ignore the Report this week, I would advise you to correct the huge mistake you've made by avoiding this show and find a way to watch it!

Over the course of this week, I'm going to use my (at least) five viewings of the series and the Internet to offer up a veritable Skip's Scramble of Arrested clips, quotes, trivia, links, and more, all leading up to the Season 4 premiere/finale (premale?) on Sunday.  Because with all 14 episodes going online at once, you're lying if you say you don't plan on watching them all in one go.

Today I'm just going to ease into things with some video compilations of classic moments from the show.  I don't want to prematurely shoot my wad!  (There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.)

First, Arrested Development's 200 Greatest Quotes according to... Whoever made this video.  No doubt they missed some of your favorites, and some of the punchlines are presented without set-ups or vice versa, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks there.  My favorite made the cut, though.  What is it?  "I don't understand the question, and I won't respond."

Those 200 Quotes are already pretty heavily dominated by two characters, but here's some clips of two fan favorites:  First, the Bluth family matriarch, Lucille.  Captured here and not in the quotes are her amazing winks.  Then, of course, there's Tobias, known for the many lines in which he puts his foot in his mouth.  (Or maybe it's those meaty leading man parts he's putting in there...)  Once again, some physical humor that should not be overlooked is included, specifically the water cooler and Mrs. Featherbottom prat falls.  

That's all for today!  

On the Next Morning Report:  Evan offers up some deeper analysis of the shows jokes and references.

"And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together... It's Arrested Development." - Ron Howard, Arrested Development

Pageantry Day 3 - The Final Countdown

We've reached the final day of pageantry, and the Hoovers have reached their destination!  Look as Steve Carell and Toni Collette bail out of that van, throwing the sliding door to the ground!  And is that a tiny little Paul Dano in the backseat?

Unfortunately, I've drained all my pop-culture pageant knowledge on the first two.  I really am fresh out of information on fake pageants... So let's turn to the real one.  Tonight the Miss NH program will be crowning its new Miss NH, in a show that revisits the events from the previous nights.  Right away, they'll announce the top twelve (of the total twenty-eight) contestants, who will then present their evening gowns, and from that alone the Top Ten will be selected.  The Top Ten will present their talents and swimsuits, and based on all tonight's events we'll have a Top Five.  And then, finally, from the Top Five, they deliver a ranking that culminates in the announcement of a new Miss NH, who will represent the state in Atlantic City at the Miss America pageant this fall!

And now you know more than you ever imagined you would need to about the Miss America pageant system!  "But Evan," you say, "Reading about it is all well and good, we want to SEE it!"

Readers, you are in luck: New England news source WMUR is livestreaming the event tonight starting at 6:00!  And, as I have for the past two nights, I'll be live-tweeting for your enjoyment.  Though the good natured tweets of the past two nights may turn a little more competitive...

So enjoy if you'd like, but even if you're not watching, send good vibes Sarah's way.  She's in the market for a new hat, and a tiara will do just fine.

"Whatever happens, you tried to do something on your own, which is more than most people ever do. I include myself in that category. You took a big chance, it took guts, and I'm proud of you." - Alan Arkin as Grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine

Vote Your Heart Out

 
Good Morning and Happy Election Day!

For the past 19 months we've been dealing with this election.  Speeches, debates, ads, primary votes, more ads, more debates, more ads, more speeches, more ads, ads, ADS, ADS, ADS!  But now, today, it ends.  And how it will end is really anyone's guess, as every newspaper, blog, and television news source say.  But the important thing is it ends.  Tomorrow, politicking stops (for a little while), the signs will come down, offices and Facebook and Twitter will become a bit more bearable, Daily Show and Colbert Report viewership will drop ever so slightly, and the advertisers will Super Pack their bags and leave.  But I say, why wait?  Today's Report is going to celebrate the awesomeness of my top ten elections/campaigns to ever hit popular culture.

10.  Pedro Runs for Class President in Napoleon Dynamite.  I bought this movie for my sister for Christmas the year it came out under the stipulation that she could never force me to watch it.  To this day, I have not watched it, though I have seen many-a "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt.  That said, Wikipedia informs me that Pedro wins the election, apparently buoyed to success by this dance.

9.  The Blue M&M.  In 1995, candy company Mars, Incorporated ran a promotion in which M&M lovers (read: everyone) could vote to pick the M&M that would replace tan in the new bag.  (Did you even remember that there was a tan M&M? I didn't!)  The candidates were blue, pink, and purple.  Blue would win, and it was during the Blue M&M Campaign that Mars introduced the talking M&M personalities.

8.  Snoopy in the Song "Snoopy for President." Though it was Linus who ran in for school president in the comics, it was Snoopy who ran for President of the United States in a song by the Royal Guardsmen.  This wasn't the first song the Guardsmen had sung about the iconic beagle; we'll see another as Christmas approaches.  This one does feature a cameos from the Great Pumpkin and Snoopy's classic rival the Red Baron who somehow manages to vote in a U.S. election.  I sense voter fraud...

7.  Claire Dunphy Runs for City Council on Modern Family.  When Claire Dunphy gets fed-up with an absolutely awful city council member played perfectly by David Cross, she decides to run against him in the election.  The humor for this election comes first from Claire's preparations for the debate with her overly critical family.  The real gem of the campaign, though, comes when a town hall meeting falls apart, gets autotuned, and goes viral.  What's the plan, Phil? 

6.  Mike Morris' Primary Campaign in The Ides of March.  2011was Hollywood's year of the Gosling, as he starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; and the political thriller, The Ides of March.  Ides was adapted from the Beau Willimon's stageplay Farragut West and features Gosling as an idealistic young campaign staffer for Democratic candidate hopeful Mike Morris, played by George Clooney, who also directed the film.  The film's got an all-star supporting cast that includes a ten second sequence toward the opening where you see both Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Paul Giamatti and get to go "They're in this?!"  And that's not even mentioning Marisa Tomei; girl-named-Evan, Evan Rachel Wood; and oft-recognized, not named often enough Jeffrey Wright.  A superb, albeit bleak portrait of gamesmanship versus ideals in American politics.

5.  Avenue Q's Rod Votes for Rotary Club President.  Every musical that gets nominated for Best Musical at Broadways Tony's gets to perform for the... I don't know... dozens? of viewers nationwide watching at home on TV.  Most of them choose to perform a number from the show, but the puppet-parody of Sesame Street, Avenue Q stood out in the 2004 Tony awards when it performed an original scene called "Rod's Dilemma," in which the show's Bert parallel Rod votes for the officer of his rotary club.  The dilemma segues into a brilliant musical number called "Vote Your Heart."  The subliminal messaging of the song seemed to pay off, too, since Avenue Q took home the trophy that year!

4.  The Election in Election.  Simply put, this is an amazing movie.  Reese Witherspoon stars as student Tracy Flick in her run for student body president.  While Flick is initially running unopposed, civics teacher Jim McAllister, played by Matthew Broderick, brings popular football player (is there any other type of cinematic high school football player?) Paul Metzler into the race, and Metzler's lesbian sister Tammy soon follows.  High school politics, extramarital affairs, cupcakes, swollen eyes, and civic duty all come together in this near perfect dark comedy, anchored by the best performance of Reese Witherspoon's career.

3.  George Michael Bluth, Steve Holt, and Rov Nadir Run for Student Body President in Arrested Development.  Arrested Development's student body president election episode, "Immaculate Election," holds up strong in the show's record of strong episodes.  It features fan-favorite minor characters Ann Veal (her?) and Steve Holt, along with appearances from Mrs. Featherbottom and George Michael's Star Wars kid freakout.  The campaign videos are great, though the color commentary provided by GOB in the episode itself is even better.  George Michael's video is a stark contrast to his original campaign slogan, Voting In Righteous George Michael Is Noble.  Good thing they sacrificed the whole V.I.R.G.I.N. thing.

2.  Turd Sandwich Vs Giant Douche on South Park.  When PETA protests South Park Elementary's cow mascot, the school lets the students nominate a new mascot and two candidates come out on top to take each other on.  The Turd Sandwich battles the Giant Douche for school mascot, leaving Stan disenfranchised by the political process.  In brilliantly vulgar satire (the episode was released just before the 2004 election), Stan is kicked out of town when he decides that given the choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich, he'd rather not vote at all.  Of course the real question is which one is funnier?

1.  Leslie Knope Runs for City Council on Parks and Rec.  The major plot arc of the show's excellent fourth season features Amy Poehler's Leslie Knope running for the city council of Pawnee, Indiana.  The campaign is full of bumps along the road, including a scene in which the show's main cast, including a three-legged dog named Champion, slide across an ice rink to the tune of Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet"... or at least the first fifteen seconds of the song.  Oh, and did I mention Paul Rudd plays her lovable idiot of an opponent, Bobby Newport.

There, that should be enough to take your mind off the election at hand, or at the very least distract you as you watch the votes and guesses trickle in as the day goes by.

Remember to vote your heart!