Art on Ice

As northeast heats up (a high of 70 in DC is hardly Januweather), the Report is cooling down with a few ice related pieces.

First up: ice cream, specifically ice cream trucks.  Photographer Luke Stephenson captured photos of these old ice cream trucks before they get scrapped for no longer meeting EU regulations.  Classic and a little bit creepy, these trucks embody a few fundamental elements of the ice cream truck.  First, the knock-off handpainted copyright infringing presentations of cartoon characters.  I spy Tom, Jerry, Goofy, Pluto, two Donalds, three Poohs, a Pinocchio, and a faded Snow White.  Then there's the ice cream cone strapped to the front, the flavors featured on the side of the truck, and at least one odd instance of the claim that these pre-wrapped popsicles and ice cream bars with bubblegum eyes are "Freshly Made For You."  Sorry, "Ice Man," I highly doubt you made that Two-Ball Screwball yourself.  (Also, that is the name of a treat we sell to children, and no one in marketing was like "Hold up, guys...")

Next up, I know some of our readers are excited at the return of hockey season.  Grantland has compiled a look at the most customized piece of hockey equipment: the goalie mask.  I pick Richard Bachman's Stephen King referencing Shining mask as my favorite, especially as it is cleverly named KSAM REDRUM.  Pekka Rinne's voodoo mask is pretty frightening, too.  And for its sheer simplicity of design, I second the writer's statement: "I just really likeBen Scrivens's Toronto Maple Leafs mask. That is all."

And as long as we're talking hockey, let me take another hack at your productivity today, and remind you that two weeks ago, Google put out this gem of an interactive Doodle, allowing readers to fulfill the universal dream of anyone who has ever attended a hockey game: to be the Zamboni driver.

The only thing we have to report is the Report itself.  And that it is the 131st anniversary of the birth of FDR.

We're Back!

After a two month hiatus (and you thought The Daily Show writers took long breaks...) we're returning today with an aptly named report, obviously referencing the greatest celebrity-voiced animated dinosaur film of all time.  Things went offline for a while starting in December, when I was hit with some all-day, all-week panels, working weekends, and non-stop extended workdays that had me too pooped to 'port.  Then I went on a Christmas vacation, came back, and frankly was just lazy for a while.  At least about Reporting.  Outside of the reporting world I've been busy learning GRE words ("covey - a group of partridges," I'll definitely need to know that to go back to school) and making my way through Infinite Jest (Otter 21, you won't be disappointed for long).

Still, in that time, we missed some genuinely excellent reporting opportunities.  I intend to make-up for a few right here, right now.

Christmas
Just think of all the custom banners we could have had, for starters!  Snowflakes, a rising Ornament "O," a snowman head "O," letters made of presents... So many possibilities!  We could have thrown rocks together at the Old Granville House, sung a carol every day of December, talked up Rankin Bass, hated Uncle Jamie, and torn apart Christmas Shoes.  And of course I would have been sure to tell you what Christmas is all about.

Fiscal Cliff
Remember that? I wouldn't have tried to explain it or link to any relevant article that did... But I would talk about Fiscal Clifford the Big Red Dog.  And offered excerpts of the classic "Fiscal Cliff" episode of The Cosby Show.  You know the one -- To get the kids to clean-up around the Huxtable home, Cliff starts paying them allowance to take care of the messes that pop up, but the kids expose a flaw in his system and start an elaborate system of making messes for others to clean and pooling the cash rewards.  Obviously Cliff catches on, and everyone learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and honesty.

New Year's Eve
I missed out on a great chance to work through a list of my favorite things about 2012.  I could have counted down to my favorite movie (Argo), my favorite book (The Fault In Our Stars), my favorite cute animals... So many possibilities.  Instead I'll take the opportunity to retrospectively and self-servingly pick my Top 5 Morning Reports of 2012:

5.  Game On! -- The Report that started it all obviously merits a mention...  And it helps that it includes a Gingrich-biting penguin.
4.  Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report -- A beautiful reader-submission reflecting on family, tradition, and memory.
3.  Vote Your Heart Out -- A double custom banner, plus links to videos from some of my favorite TV shows.
2.  100 Years of Oreo  -- Long-form humor on one topic, which is unusual for the Report.  Plus, I foretold Oreo's coming out for gay rights!
1.  Mourning Report: King of All the Wild Things -- A reflection on Maurice Sendak that features an interview that inspires me every time I hear it.

I hope those selections represent some of your favorites, too.  And I hope 2013 brings many more reports to choose from.

Til tomorrow, eat in the Cherry Orchard with your Three Sisters and your Uncle Vanya -- It's Anton Chekhov's birthday!

Hypothetical Thursday

Following on "How-To Tuesday" and "Wicked Busy Wednesday" (too busy to report, anyway), the madness of the seven days following Thanksgiving concludes today with "Hypothetical Thursday."  Today's report is going to entertain some questions you may have never considered before*, but are pretty neat and get you thinking... Both of these are long form articles, but we'll tamper with cuteness at the end once again.  (I wonder how many readers are now just like "Sweet, scroll down to the end and show me the puppies...")

First up, a really interesting user submission regarding Civil War.  (Seems appropriate in the talks following the film Lincoln and the talks of secession.)  But this hypothetical doesn't content itself with a North vs. South / Union vs. Confederacy match-up, and instead explores an all-out every state for itself dissolution of the Union.  The most interesting thing about this hypothetical is that it approaches the question not from a "Well, this would be what happens" perspective, instead presenting a faux-historical report from the future, not only by writing in the past tense, but also including quotes from primary sources.  (He does slip-up at least once, suggesting the piece was initially written as a more general hypothetical piece.)  It's quite a long read (even I admit to not having finished it yet), but it's really quite interesting and well done. Of course, as the people in the comments note, this may not be how things would go down.  Of course, I would argue a sudden state-centric political shift resulting in total 50-state dissolution probably isn't how things would go down either...

Meanwhile, on the science side, the brilliant writer of xkcd explores weekly hypotheticals in his longer writing pieces on the "What-If" page.  (The banner suggests a "What-if we fed a T-Rex to the Sarlacc with a crane," but I've yet to see that story.)  The latest issue addresses the cost of pennies, though not in the way you might think.  Some of my favorites include the Lightning edition, mostly for the comic addressing some of the stranger questions; the giant raindrop; and the mole of moles; but all of them are worth checking out.

And speaking of moles... They made this list of the Top 10 Cutest Creatures.  I challenge the inclusion of the manatee, love the happy puffer fish, and thrill at the inclusion of the wooly bear caterpillar.

Take the Deal!  It's Howie Mandel's birthday today.  (I always preferred Bobby's World.  Back when Howie had hair!)

How-To Tuesday

After Thanksgiving feasting the Report took a few days off, but after Black Friday and Cyber Monday we're back for... Ruby Tuesday?  No, here at the Report we're holding How-To Tuesday, in which we clear out a pair of items that have been backlogged in the Report item archives for some time now.

First up, a compilation piece from the New York Times released several years ago called "How to Be Funny."  Not only are these pieces written by modern legends of the comedy world, they're compiled by the brilliantly funny John Hodgman, whose humbling work was featured in the September 11 Morning Report.  My two favorite pieces here fall comfortably in the middle: Garrison Keillor's "How to Write Your First Hollywood Comedy" and Paul Rudd's (appropriately titled) "How to Be Funny When You Are Incredibly Good Looking."  I'm wondering if part of the enjoyment I get from both of those pieces comes from the fact that I read them in their writers' inimitable voices.

Also offered from the backlogs, an article written for Esquire about how to compliment.  Tom Chiarella's "The Perfect Compliment" is more anecdotal essay than guide, but the how-to comes in Chiarella's experiences.  The trial and error of his quick, observational compliments in the first section highlight some major flaws in strategy.  A quick line seems spooky, insincere, or a thinly veiled insult.  As he notes, " A true compliment is a complex expression of unrequired appreciation — how could three words do the job?"  But don't force it:  "Finding the perfect compliment isn't a riddle at all. It's not as though there's one for every person at every time. It's a matter of finding the right moment rather than insisting on one."  Still, the art of the compliment is better observed through Chiarella's stories than boiled down to talking points.  Report Challenge: Compliment a stranger today and let me know how it goes!

Finally, because it's been a while since we've had some animals in the Report, here are some dogs going down slides.

It's not Thanksgiving, but we can still celebrate a Thanksgiving Anniversary!  On November 27 in 1924, the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was held!

Thanks for Reading

Not a whole slew of links and commentary today, much as I want to share and reflect on a bunch of side dish recipes (brussels sprouts have never looked so good), the first Thanksgiving (Venison, drunk kids, dancing? Sounds standard to me...), and the history of turkey pardoning (Rest In Peace, Peace).  Instead, just an appropriately timed message of thanks.
 
When the Report started over seven months ago, it was a different animal.  It had three readers, the links were just copied and pasted into the text, there was no banner at all, let alone the celebratory holiday pie in the sky we've got today.  On the 29th Report, I thought there were 30, and a banner and blog were born to celebrate.  A week later the first custom banner came.  And this whole time, the distribution list was climbing.
 
This project has been and continues to be an absolute joy for me.  Sure, I have no way of knowing how many people open the e-mail, read it, or click the links.  I only get some idea based on responses in real life and in e-mails.  But still, just the idea of any readership at all makes it worth it.  Everyday tons of people explore the web.  But not everybody gets to share their explorations with great people like you all.
 
So, if you've read this far into this message, I'm assuming you're a regular reader, and I want to thank you.  Thank you for clicking the links.  For putting up with the puns and inane reflection.  For listening to me go on about the things that I care about.  For responding to the things that you care about and opening my eyes to new things.
 
And if you aren't reading this... Thanks for keeping the illusion alive by staying on the distribution list.

But to all of you, whether this gets read vigilantly or filtered to spam, I think there are four ladies who can put it best... Thank you for being a friend.
 
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families.  (An admittedly selfish gesture, as I am family for some of you.)

A Gourd for All Seasons

A special late night "Morning" Report today from New Hampshire today after a day of travel.  Normally, I'd let things slide and go on vacation as you've seen me do in the past.  But as I was flying home today I realized there was one crucial link for this holiday season that I'd failed to distribute, so a late night report was called for.  An advance warning, things below and across the link are going to get a bit vulgar.
 
Here on Thanksgiving Eve, we're about to enter a day of seasonal transition.  After tomorrow, Fall decor is out of style.  Gone are the autumn leaves, the mini-pumpkins, the oranges, the browns, the yellows.  Snowmen come out of storage, Santas are up on shelves, giant lawn snowglobes get inflated.  Now, tis the season.  But what many people fail to realize is that 'tis been the season all along.  Just... A different season.
 
In the month of November, with the Jack O'Lanterns and witches gone, a few pieces of Halloween are allowed to remain as a new season begins.  That's right... The link a few of you have been waiting for this whole time... Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.  I know, I'm late on this classic, but a promise is a promise, and it had to be distributed before the season passed.  Of course, Colin Nissan's sign-off is a bit out of season now, as we can no longer say "Welcome to autumn," no matter what expletive we put after it.  Still, if you like Nissan's sentiment, his immortal words are available on a mug!
 
Today's a great day to follow in your father's footsteps.  Not only was Ken Griffey, Jr. born today, but so was Christopher Tolkien.

Host(ess) With the Most

Before certain events of last week, I already knew this was going to be a week of food-centric reporting.  We are, after all, coming up upon the most food-centric holiday of the year.  (Sure we try to cover our gluttony with a few remarks about American historical legends and saying what we are thankful for, but in reality the day is built around a bird and a slew of side dishes.)  Today's post is all about food, but hopefully not a food item that ever graced your Thanksgiving table.
 
At the end of last week, Hostess Brands filed for bankruptcy, seeking permission to close its business and sell its assets.  This announcement came with the news that "Bakery operations have been suspended at all plants," suggesting that never again will another Twinkie, Ho-Ho, or Ding-Dong be made.  As one who has never eaten any of these products, I'm not alarmed by this, but the Internet is in something of an uproar.  People are supermarket sweeping these things off the shelves, stockpiling them as if the zombie apocalypse was nigh.  Twinkies, of course, would be an obvious choice for the zombie apocalypse (as noted by the characters of Zombieland) as urban legend suggests they have an infinite shelf life.  Even Wall-E cleverly followed this assertion, pairing the golden sponge cake treat with another great survivor of note, the cockroach.  While they may survive a zombie apocalypse or the pollution-based destruction of the planet, it seems there is one disaster these treats cannot survive: the current economy.
 
I'm not about to rush off to Safeway or ebay to buy some Twinkies before they join this list of foods of yesteryear.  (Oh the fond memories of wondering wondering ooh, I did, I did, what's in a Wonderball; hunting for the granny while eating delicious waffle crisp, and trying to figure out what in the world was in Orbitz.  Not to mention the lack of memories associated with the battery-acid flavored mind-eraser that was Four Loko.)  That said, as I do with most of these discontinued products, I do miss the advertising.  Hostess really had some great ads, and while I am too young to really remember Twinkie the Kid, I did love the "Where's the cream filling?" series of ads, from the bear to the shark to the rhino.
 
Alas, with the financial collapse of Hostess (confound healthier diets!), the question those animals ask now seems to mock us.  "Where's the cream filling?"  Though perhaps no longer in our pantries or our stomachs, the cream filling lives on in our memories and our hearts.  No seriously, though, a little bit of that cream filling is probably resting in the arteries of anyone who ever consumed one of those things, so it's definitely in our hearts.

Make sure you have room in your schedule for some walking and talking today, it's Allison Janey's birthday.  (If walking and talking isn't your thing, go fly a kite.)