No Coincidence, No Story

After nearly a month off due to meeting commitments, travel, and GRE Prep we're back.  Before we get underway this week, a recap.

Previously, On "The Morning Report":  After a week covering Zambonis, 30 Rock, and the Super Bowl, the Report tackled the real world of fake estates, exploring famous homes of fiction.  I asked readers for help naming my home and identifying famous homes of the American literature scene.  One reader suggested my name did not play strongly enough into "Marshmolie," and offered "Marshmouslie" instead.  Another strongly agreed with the proposed "Creaking Tree."  In terms of literary homes, several minds leaped to the [Fall of the] House of Usher.  One of our most dedicated responders provided several more, including Little Women's Plumfield, Cheaper by the Dozen's "The Shoe," "Sunnybrook Farm" (of Rebecca of fame), and Streetcar Named Desire's famous, though unseen, "Belle Reve."

But: Back to today.  This morning I listened to this week's episode of This American Life, "No Coincidence, No Story."  At first, the title sounds like a demanding criterion for submission, and this is true:  All the pieces featured in this week's episode (and the extras featured online) include moments of coincidence.  Coincidences of all sorts. From the mundane (seeing someone twice in the same day) to the morbid (a body under a manhole cover).  From the gut churning (a tale of two pukers) to the heart wrenching (reunions with long absent fathers).  But the title actually refers to a Chinese saying with wider implications: "No coincidence, no story" -- Without coincidences, we wouldn't have the stories we tell at all. 

Moments of apparently fated chance can be found along the branches, if not at the very root, of the stories we tell, read, and watch.  Lost built six seasons out of curious connections.  The hand of fate guides the characters of Thomas Hardy through crossroads and often lead to their downfalls, as in The Mayor of Casterbridge and Tess of the D'Urbervilles.  One of my favorite films, Magnolia, features my favorite film opening, in which a narrator describes three stories of incredible chance and coincidence.  (While I cannot find a video online, the stories he tells are the second monologue on this page).  While moments of coincidence feature prominently in the fiction we consume, they also tend to take center stage in the factual reflections we produce.  And maybe we're just adding structure to the randomness of life... Or maybe these strange things happen all the time.

Consider: Wandering alone through an open bar welcome reception for study abroad students when I was in London, I saw a face that seemed somehow familiar. (Perhaps it was the fact that he was a ginger. Actually, that was definitely it.)  Turns out the whole group was from Georgetown.  Ryan (the ginger) and I would end up traveling all over Europe together, but only after a conversation in which we realized that I had spent the previous semester living with a good friend of his.  And not only that, but that he would be living with that friend and another friend and former roommate in the following year in a house that I had opted not to live in!

Consider: Getting drinks with some co-workers after work, it came up that one of my co-workers, Joe, is a New Hampshire resident.  He asked where in New Hampshire I was from, and I gave my standard answer: "A town about fifteen minutes from the coast... The Exeter area."  "Where in the Exeter area?"  "Stratham..."  Anticipating a vague awareness, what I got instead was a surprise: "I'm from Stratham."  Turns out Jim was neighbors with one of my closest friends from elementary school.  Now I work in Virginia three feet from someone whose property I almost definitely trespassed on as a kid in New Hampshire!

And the list goes on...

But... Rather than ramble on about my own coincidences, I want to hear about yours!  I'm putting out another call for reader submissions, which I can tack on a few at a time to the Report for the next couple of days.  Send in your stories of run-ins with friends in strange places, odd encounters, numbers that seem to be haunting you, and any other coincidence you've come across in your life.

Looking forward to hearing from you on this one!


"And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just 'Something That Happened.' This cannot be 'One of Those Things... ' This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohh. These strange things happen all the time."  --Magnolia

Fake Estate

Today's Report comes as a result of a story run yesterday by The Daily Beast:  F. Scott Fitzgerald's Baltimore home is for sale.  The 113 year old home sounds quite nice, but as the newsblurb says, it's not exactly the West Egg mansion of Jay Gatsby.  Even still, the Beast links to a list of Nine Illustrious Houses in Fiction, which includes Gatsby's mansion.  Interestingly, Gatsby's Mansion, incorrectly referred to as "West Egg" on the list, is the only one of the nine houses that doesn't have a formal name.  Pemberely, Brideshead, Tara... All these illustrious residences come with similarly illustrious names.  So what's going on there?  When did we stop naming our houses?
 
The Internet suggests that doing so is a distinctly British custom, as a quick search for the practice of doing so provides information on official methods of naming and this entertaining history of/guide for naming.  Where are the names of American homes?  Where are our Skyfalls and Manderlays?  Let's bring this practice back!  The question becomes, how do we pick the name?  Some sort of factor of the environment?  Mine could be Creaking Tree.  A combination of the names of its residents?  I'll check and see what my housemates think of Marshmolie. (Rhymes with Molly, not guacamole.)  Can we just name it Winterfell?
 
But: Let's circle back to literature for a moment.  Is it a function of the Britishness of naming houses that so many of literature's famous houses are British?  Consider the list above:  Six of the nine listings are from British literature.  Is it just because named houses are easier to reference?  Or is there a dearth of houses in American literature?  When I think about what houses were missing from the list, my mind goes straight from house to Holmes, and wonders about 221B Baker Street.  Then to Bag End.  Then, even though I haven't read it, on to Bleak House.
 
When I try to think of houses in American literature, I have much less success.  The first image my mind produces is the completely uninhabitable floating house the Huck and Jim find upon in the river.  When I finally arrive at an actual house, I think of Mark Z Danielewski's House of Leaves, but here the home is shifting and changing and impossible, bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.  The residences that I think of in American literature are of a more temporary nature:  The Overlook Hotel, the mental institution of Nurse Ratched, the Ennet House Drug and Alcohol Recovery House (sic)... Is it something about the nature of mobility and change that characterize American literature?  Is it because we name institutions and not houses?  Or is it because I'm just failing to think of any good examples, when really there are a whole bunch out there?
 
Readers, never before have I been so curious about what you have to say.  What would you name your house?  What should I name my house?  And where are the houses of American literature?

I promise something less academic and rambling tomorrow, but til then I'm thinking about my house (in the middle of my street).

First Downs and First Dogs

I hope you all had pleasant weekends and were able to gather with friends and food for the Puppy Bowl and the Beyonce Concert with special guest, Football.  I'll admit to only really knowing the team preference of one of our readers in this game, but his dedication to his team had me rooting for them from home... So I was sad to see the 49ers fall under the Unkindness of Ravens.  (Seriously, that is what a group of ravens is called.  Look it up.)  The game certainly wasn't without its twists and turns.  Viewers at my home argued that the blackout came as a result of Jim Harbaugh resorting to the strategy he has when he's losing against his brother in Madden: Pull the plug.  But for the sake of that one reader, I won't dwell on the football game here.

Instead, let's turn to the Puppy Bowl.  Remember how I had my money on Eli?  Well, scoring one touch down, Eli was one of the final contenders considered for the title of MVP(uppy).  He ultimately lost out to the love mi hermano, Marta.  While Marta's bold play in the face of puppies twice her size (has anyone tested for steroids) certainly helped seal her victory, it couldn't have helped Eli's case that in the entire two hour broadcast he was the only puppy to poop on the field... I sure know how to pick 'em.

In other dog news, we turn today to the sad passing of Barney Bush, First Dog during the presidency of George W. Bush.  Barney, a Scottish Terrier, passed away last Friday at age 12.  While sad, this news also opens the question of why a Scottish dog held such a prominent American office.  And this trend has only continued into the Obama administration, with the title passing to Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog.  Perhaps it was part of an effort to assure Americans of his loyalties that Bo Obama received visiting Dognitaries from Furuguay at the end of January.  Glad to see the First Dog keeping a close eye on the Tailiban presence in Arfghanistan.  Fighting terrierism is important to all nations, and certainly earns Bo the honor of Good Boy!

Live your life "as a model for others."  It's the 100th anniversary of Rosa Parks' birth.

Bowling for Super

Following yesterday's 30 Rock series finale (which heavily featured The Rural Juror among other fan favorite jokes, leaving me extremely pleased), TV viewers across the country are now preparing for another finale: The Super Bowl.  And what a finale it will be!  West Coast vs East Coast!  Red vs Purple!  Prospector vs Poe-bird! 

Okay, yeah, I admit I don't really know much about the teams going into the battle.  Or even their respective cities.  I know that San Francisco's Humphry Slocombe has some of the best ice cream flavors I've ever had.  And the beer at the Brewer's Art in Baltimore is phenomenal.  But beyond that, my knowledge and allegiances to either team are virtually nil. 

For me, it's like watching a late episode of a CSI-type drama I've never seen before.  Having seen many episodes of CSI-type dramas before, I know how things work and can follow along.  I know the rules of game, the terms, how things are going to play out.  I can figure out who plays what role after a few minutes of watching.  But you know that part of a crime procedural series that ties things together across episodes?  A few minutes scattered throughout each episode showing how these two don't get along, these two have sexual tension, this one is battling alcoholism, this one is a bit of a loose cannon, and it turns out the killer was put up to it by a villain whose been manipulating things behind the scenes all season?  Yeah, I don't get any of that.  So all the sideline stories, the stats and odds, the player names and backgrounds?  I'm at a loss there.  That's the episode to episode glue that holds things together, and while there's sure to be a lot of it, I'm hoping I can get a "Previously, on Football" recap before hand to give me a sense of it all.  But even still, I'll be able to follow the game.

But at least I'll be on the same page as everyone else prior to the Super Bowl, when I tune in to see all the new faces of the Puppy Bowl!  And what incredibly adorable new faces they are.  Now, I'm not entirely sure how winners are selected, or if winners are selected, or if it's more of a suburban rec-soccer league "Everyone's a winner" attitude, but looking through this roster of puppies, I've picked a few favorites.  This crop of contestants seems pretty heavy in the "A" names, and right off the bat there are some absolutely adorable pups -- Althea and Aurora, specifically.  Blitz looks a bit spastic, Fitz looks terrified, and Masquerade is rocking the John Cusack heterochromiathing.  Shadow and Tuck are holding their own toward the end of the alphabet... But after reviewing all of them, my money is on Eli, the German shepherd / pit bull mix to take it all.  That's assuming he gets support from the hedgehog cheerleaders, and a good amount of rest during the kitten halftime show.

Enjoy the Bowls this weekend.  For those with a vested interest in the game, may the odds be ever in your favor.  For those who are just there for the snacks... May the wings be ever in your flavor.

Rural Jurors, Mystic Pizzas, and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

By all accounts, today's Report should start in October 11, 2006, when Tina Fey's Liz Lemon bought hot dogs for everyone in New York in the 30 Rock premiere.  But it doesn't.  Because, like so many college kids, I was late to the party.

Instead, it starts four years and eleven months ago, in the end of February 2008, in the office of my Intro to Film professor, asking for some guidance on my paper on Hitchcock's Notorious, but also for advice on a birthday gift for my roommate Andrew (among our subscribers!).  I explained to her that we had just watched and loved Arrested Development, so a season of a similar show would be good.  (Netflix streaming hadn't really taken off yet...)  She recommended 30 Rock, if he hadn't already seen it.  I told her I hadn't seen it, and I was told to leave her office and not come back until I had watched the first several episodes.  A few hours later, I was wrapping a gift purchased at a now extinct mall, and a few days later I began my weird relationship with Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy, Kenneth Parcell, and all the rest of the 30 Rock gang.

It hasn't been a steady relationship... After the rapid binge consumption of the first season, Andrew and I worked our way toward catching up on the second.  Eventually, we were watching in real time, or at the very least day-after-Hulu-time.  And for a year or so, that's how it was with me and 30 Rock.  But eventually I lost track of the gang at TGS, and stopped watching for a few months, only to binge on Hulu or Netflix, consuming four, five, six episodes at a time.  Still, I watched and loved every episode of the quirky comedy, some more than others, so I find myself watching the final episode a bit mournfully, but glad that it won't be driven into the ground like some NBC shows wrapping up this year.

With its references, quirks, absurd antics, and hilarious celebrity cameos, the show is much loved by the Internet community, and lots of sites are compiling lists and reflections on its seven seasons.  A.V. Club suggests ten episodes that best demonstrate how 30 Rock changed the sitcom landscape, while Buzzfeed does its thing with lists of the 30 best jokes and the 50 most important lessons of the show (though they somehow forget Jenna's classic "We're all models west of the Allegheny).  Vulture gets creative by putting together nine classic jokes as infographics, then goes on to nail it with its top ten episodes, identifying "Tracy Does Conan" as the best episode.

For those who don't remember what happens from episode title to episode title, let me list some highlights that prove that this first season episode is the best of the series:  A flashback in which Tracy attacks Conan as a "stabbing robot;" Rachel Dratch's cameo (one of many) when Tracy hallucinates alittle blue dude; Jack coining the term "mind-grapes," which Tracy then casually uses; Dr. Leo 'Medicine's Not A Science' Spaceman's his first appearance; an allusion to Liz's past relationship with Conan O'Brien; Kenneth's battle with four Rite-Drugs at the same intersection; Jenna promo-ing her completely unpronounceable film "The Rural Juror;" an appearance by Aubrey Plaza; and Jack delivering his best line of the series.

And speaking of "The Rural Juror," references to fictional films, television shows, and songs are what I'll always most fondly remember about the show.  They're collected here, but I've listed my top ten below:

10. Los Amantes Clandestinos -- The Puerto Rican soap opera featuring a villain that bears an uncanny resemblance to Jack

9. Homonym -- The gameshow where it's always the other one.

8. Martin Luther King Day -- The star-filled hit from the maker of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve earns bonus points for featuring clips from Love, Actually, too.

7. Bitch Hunter -- Will Ferrell's wildly offensive show is exactly what it sounds like, and is the reason Liz got to produce The Girlie Show

6. MILF Island -- The Survivor parody featured the tagline: "25 Superhot Moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."

5. Gold Case -- Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire.  But gold's real heavy...

4. Mystic Pizza, the Musical -- "When life keeps handing you anchovies, just cover them up with some extra cheese and make a pizza, life is a pizza..."

3. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah -- "Spooky, scary, boys becoming men, men becoming wolves..."

2. The Rural Juror -- The true story of Rory Journer, whose pure furor endures a terrible murder

1. The Girlie Show with Tracy Jordan -- The show that brought the 30 Rock cast together for seven seasons of quality comedy, coming back for one final episode in the series finale.

And now I'm working on my night cheese halfway through the finale of one of my favorite real TV shows, saying goodbye to Jack, Liz, Tracy, Jenna, Kenneth, Pete, and the gang.  But only after having earlier revisited that first behind the scenes look at The Girlie Show.

It wasn't HBO.  It was TV.  And I loved every episode.

Art on Ice

As northeast heats up (a high of 70 in DC is hardly Januweather), the Report is cooling down with a few ice related pieces.

First up: ice cream, specifically ice cream trucks.  Photographer Luke Stephenson captured photos of these old ice cream trucks before they get scrapped for no longer meeting EU regulations.  Classic and a little bit creepy, these trucks embody a few fundamental elements of the ice cream truck.  First, the knock-off handpainted copyright infringing presentations of cartoon characters.  I spy Tom, Jerry, Goofy, Pluto, two Donalds, three Poohs, a Pinocchio, and a faded Snow White.  Then there's the ice cream cone strapped to the front, the flavors featured on the side of the truck, and at least one odd instance of the claim that these pre-wrapped popsicles and ice cream bars with bubblegum eyes are "Freshly Made For You."  Sorry, "Ice Man," I highly doubt you made that Two-Ball Screwball yourself.  (Also, that is the name of a treat we sell to children, and no one in marketing was like "Hold up, guys...")

Next up, I know some of our readers are excited at the return of hockey season.  Grantland has compiled a look at the most customized piece of hockey equipment: the goalie mask.  I pick Richard Bachman's Stephen King referencing Shining mask as my favorite, especially as it is cleverly named KSAM REDRUM.  Pekka Rinne's voodoo mask is pretty frightening, too.  And for its sheer simplicity of design, I second the writer's statement: "I just really likeBen Scrivens's Toronto Maple Leafs mask. That is all."

And as long as we're talking hockey, let me take another hack at your productivity today, and remind you that two weeks ago, Google put out this gem of an interactive Doodle, allowing readers to fulfill the universal dream of anyone who has ever attended a hockey game: to be the Zamboni driver.

The only thing we have to report is the Report itself.  And that it is the 131st anniversary of the birth of FDR.

We're Back!

After a two month hiatus (and you thought The Daily Show writers took long breaks...) we're returning today with an aptly named report, obviously referencing the greatest celebrity-voiced animated dinosaur film of all time.  Things went offline for a while starting in December, when I was hit with some all-day, all-week panels, working weekends, and non-stop extended workdays that had me too pooped to 'port.  Then I went on a Christmas vacation, came back, and frankly was just lazy for a while.  At least about Reporting.  Outside of the reporting world I've been busy learning GRE words ("covey - a group of partridges," I'll definitely need to know that to go back to school) and making my way through Infinite Jest (Otter 21, you won't be disappointed for long).

Still, in that time, we missed some genuinely excellent reporting opportunities.  I intend to make-up for a few right here, right now.

Christmas
Just think of all the custom banners we could have had, for starters!  Snowflakes, a rising Ornament "O," a snowman head "O," letters made of presents... So many possibilities!  We could have thrown rocks together at the Old Granville House, sung a carol every day of December, talked up Rankin Bass, hated Uncle Jamie, and torn apart Christmas Shoes.  And of course I would have been sure to tell you what Christmas is all about.

Fiscal Cliff
Remember that? I wouldn't have tried to explain it or link to any relevant article that did... But I would talk about Fiscal Clifford the Big Red Dog.  And offered excerpts of the classic "Fiscal Cliff" episode of The Cosby Show.  You know the one -- To get the kids to clean-up around the Huxtable home, Cliff starts paying them allowance to take care of the messes that pop up, but the kids expose a flaw in his system and start an elaborate system of making messes for others to clean and pooling the cash rewards.  Obviously Cliff catches on, and everyone learns a valuable lesson about responsibility and honesty.

New Year's Eve
I missed out on a great chance to work through a list of my favorite things about 2012.  I could have counted down to my favorite movie (Argo), my favorite book (The Fault In Our Stars), my favorite cute animals... So many possibilities.  Instead I'll take the opportunity to retrospectively and self-servingly pick my Top 5 Morning Reports of 2012:

5.  Game On! -- The Report that started it all obviously merits a mention...  And it helps that it includes a Gingrich-biting penguin.
4.  Halloweek - Great Pumpkin Special Report -- A beautiful reader-submission reflecting on family, tradition, and memory.
3.  Vote Your Heart Out -- A double custom banner, plus links to videos from some of my favorite TV shows.
2.  100 Years of Oreo  -- Long-form humor on one topic, which is unusual for the Report.  Plus, I foretold Oreo's coming out for gay rights!
1.  Mourning Report: King of All the Wild Things -- A reflection on Maurice Sendak that features an interview that inspires me every time I hear it.

I hope those selections represent some of your favorites, too.  And I hope 2013 brings many more reports to choose from.

Til tomorrow, eat in the Cherry Orchard with your Three Sisters and your Uncle Vanya -- It's Anton Chekhov's birthday!