Holy Heatwave, Batman! DC seems incredibly aware that yesterday was the Summer Solstice. The door has closed on springtime and, unlike the revolving door transition between winter and spring, where we got tiny, alternating tastes of each season, we have been thrust into the full heat of summer the day it starts. Just as the heat continues, so the Report continues with summer stories. (Though the sun has now descended to its usual banner location. But that doesn't mean it's going down, as some readers have suggested. Though... Yes, it is too late in the day for it to be rising now...)
First up, for those of you who aren't keen on surf rock as the sound of your summer, NPR has an alternative. They have analyzed the Billboard charts from June to August for every year since 1962, picking out the top Songs of the Summer for fifty years... Don't let the fact that the list is at the bottom of the article confuse you, though. The link to hear the tunes is at the top of the page between the headline and the Mini Surfer. The random order of the mix makes for some interesting results... When I was checking this out yesterday, Bill Withers' fade out encouragement to "Lean On Me" gave way to "Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt..." Oh, Baby Got Back. Classic. And I admit, there have been times where I was wishing for a skip track offering, only to find that the only way I could avoid listening to the Macarena was to hit mute for a while. Of course, once you've heard the Macarena, it's in your head for the rest of the day. Sorry if the same applies for reading the word... Biggest surprise find of the playlist: Icona Pop's "I Love It," which is not, it turns out, some song I'd never heard of from the 80s, much as it sounds like that...
And, at risk of repeating the structure of yesterday's report almost exactly, here are some dogs who found ways other than surfing to beat the heat. Of course, they'll all still smell like wet dog. Except the smarties at the water fountains or the ones who got frozen treats. Relaxed as 17 looks, I think 6 has the best strategy... Though 8 probably has the most fun and 11 has the cute toys. Funny how different dogs react to water. 1 is in pure doggy bliss, while 7 is so clearly terrified.
Finally, if lying in a pile of ice cubes isn't your idea of cooling off, maybe hanging out in the air conditioning with a good book would suit you better. If you're not sure what to read, and aren't taken by my less than subtle Chabon plug, maybe this flowchart will help. With 101 to choose from, there's bound to be something good there that you've yet to read. That said, the list is made by teach.com, meaning that there are a whole bunch of young adult aimed books on there. Don't worry, no judgment for picking one of those... Just... Get it on Kindle so no one can tell what you're reading!
Well, ~150 songs, 20 dogs, and 101 books seems like a good place to leave things for the day. After all, it's Go Skateboarding Day, apparently, so I should be out there on the board Ollying and Pop-Shoving-It and... Oh, who are we kidding, I'm totally just going to do this.
Could it be that the sun is sitting a little higher in the banner's sky today? No, we're not continuing our celebration of Paul Dano and Little Miss Sunshine. (Believe me, dear reader, I would love to... But that would be observed with a yellow bus zooming past in the report background and a .gif of me dancing to Superfreak.) No, we're observing the Summer Solstice! Yes, today's the day, that long and lazy day where the sun reaches its highest position in the sky and in the report banner.
And what better way to celebrate the beginning of those dog days of summer with a surfing centered report! That's right, shoobies, the Report is hitting the beach! But first, we'll need some tunes to crank out over the peaceful sounds of those waves lapping at the shore. (Seriously, leave that on in the background while your boombox and/or other Internet tabs play some music.) I could just recommend listening to this on repeat all day, but there are too many surf rock tunes to do that. And thankfully one reader recently turned me on to a band that has put together some amazing mixes at Reverberation Radio. I recommend Reverberation #14. And the music of the band itself, cleverly named the Allah-Lahs, also comes with that great classic surf feel.
Of course, I get it, those twangy reverberations and good vibrations aren't for everyone. (Though if you don't like "Good Vibrations," you'll have to do some work to prove to me that you have a soul.) For those of you who don't like surf rock, I offer... Surf bark. Yes, for some reason this happened. And not just once, but six times before this, as well. That's seven years of slobbery surf and wet dog wipeouts. But what a fun world record to set... Bummer to be one of the dogs that jumped off, though... No place in the record for bailing out, they went home tail between their legs. Anyway... Totally teaching Archer to surf next time I'm in NH. Too bad he'll be afraid of the surfboard. And the waves. And the sand.
That's all for today. Enjoy the long sunshine and the incredibly appropriate fact that it's Brian Wilson's birthday! Make his day and send him a letter telling him the name of your favorite vegetable (I know that you'll feel better.) Or just hit the beach, boys and girls! Wouldn't that be nice!
As the sun rises high and things heat up, remember to keep cool cool.
Yesterday I drew attention to Mufasa as a great father in the animal kingdom. Shortly thereafter, I learned of a McSweeney's piece that throws that viewpoint into question. Here, an antelope wonders why he was invited to the celebration of Simba's birth. And you know, he's totally right. Mufasa, the life lessons and self-sacrifice for your son (if that is a spoiler for any reader, shame on you and go watch this movie right now), all that's great, but your leadership skills could use some work. I get it, he's the prince, these are your subjects, I suppose many royal families through history have had similar ceremonies celebrating the arrival in the world of a new future leader. But you know what, most of those royal families weren't bringing together a bunch of subjects that ate each other! This peaceful gathering of animals is not at all standard behavior in the Circle of Life, and that, Mufasa, moves us all. Your big party here that brings together all the creatures under the sun (rolling high, through the sapphire sky) is screwing with the path unwinding, and it's not cool. The antelope is right to be anxious, and I'm surprised he can be so eloquent about it, given that there's far too much to take in here.
As long as we're re-evaluating how we view certain classic films, check out this series of behind-the-scenes photos that argues it will do just that. Hitchcock, too, seems content to upset the natural order of the wild kingdom by giving direction to his own Mufasa in the final photo, which is well worth scrolling past that bug-eyed Harrison Ford, who appears in 25% of the films presented in the list. Actually, Ford is in my favorite photo from the series, the low-budget Ark of the Covenant. No wonder it was Lost... It's flat!
And finally, to challenge your view on the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman, here are some smooth stylings by Morgan Freeman. Out of sight, indeed. "When I itches, I scratches, when I'm bored, I read matches." I would love to see a mash-up where Easy Reader stops by Andy's library in Shawshank... But really, it's no surprise that someone with such an affinity for reading should become a world-class narrator.
Feel free to do nothing all day without feeling bad; you'd just be observing the 1978 debut of Garfield, the widely syndicated comic about a lazy cat, and the only comic I know that's infinitely funnier without its title character. Or, if you just feel like not speaking all day, that's fine, too. Do it because Paul Dano did it because of Friedrich Nietzsche... Far out. (And because Paul turns 28 today... Someone get that man a milkshake! Though he might prefer something "a la modie.")
That one's on the house.
Thanks for all of positive feedback thus far on the new report features and the blog. I've made a few updates to the blog and put up a few more old Reports. In spite of requests/suggestions, these updates do not include an animated .gif logo to clarify that the sun is, indeed, rising. Nor do they include a banner variant where the O in Report is also a sun. (Though if we ever have a report about Star Wars/Tatooine, rest assured a double-sun header will be used.)
The internet this weekend was abuzz with Father's Day fun, including a very cute Google doodle. However, as has always been the case, there is no Report on the weekend, so we're compiling a few of the more Report-worthy Father's Day links today. So, Fathers of the Report, rejoice, you get a second father's day! (To my knowledge there are only three fathers among our readership at this time... If there are more that I don't know of, Congratulations!)
Let's start off with music. The Art of Manliness has compiled a list of their Best Songs About Dads. Some tear-jerkers in there, including Eric Clapton's "My Father's Eyes," which is particularly poignant when the song's full background is explained, as it is in this list. (Clapton, of course, holds this Reporter's record for Saddest Song Ever with "Tears In Heaven.") "Daughter" is a fun number, "Cat's In the Cradle" was a car radio staple in my memory, and "Just the Two of Us" now stands out in my mind as a song that they mercifully chose not to use in the soundtrack for The Pursuit of Happyness. What do you think, did their list miss any big ones? Feel free to take a browse around the Art of Manliness site, too. Lot's of entertaining and interesting stuff there, including a very Teddy Roosevelt heavy list of 100 Must-Read books. Also featured there is a link over to another excellent (future) Dad's Day piece, Rules for My Unborn Son. This highly addicting tumblr is full of quips and wisdom, and was one of the first sites I knew of that made the blog-to-book transition.
And, of course, it wouldn't be a holiday at the Report if we didn't draw attention to some animal stories, too. Fathers of the animal kingdom have always sort of been ignored in collections of cute animal photography, it seems to me. Certainly there are a lot of deadbeat animal dads that abandon their family... And some dead dads, as well. But Animal Planet has compiled a nice list of the Top Ten Animal Dads. The seahorse, famous for its pregnant pa, is an obvious choice for number one. And I'm sure Morgan Freeman approves of the high ranking placement of the Emperor Penguin. I wonder if my desire for some rearrangement of this list isn't influenced by Disney, as I really want to bump the lion up a few spots, given Mufasa's self-sacrifice and starry advising. I'm also sad to see that the clownfish didn't make the list, as I know the extremes a father clownfish would go through to find his son Harpo... Bingo?... Fabio?... Chico?
That's all for today. Hope your Monday deserves two thumbs up... It's Roger Ebert's birthday!
NOTE: While a later review of Report records would reveal this to be the 29th Report, I will not attempt to re-write history here. Future counts of Report entries will provide an accurate count.
Welcome to the special 30th issue of the Report!
Before we kick off the exciting new celebrations, a pair of neat
President/Flag related links provided by one reader. First, and sent before
she even knew I was writing about flags and presidents that day, a link
to a piece that has somehow not been mega-hyped on all sorts of news
pages. Released just last week, on June 5, the
papers of Dr. Charles A. Leale,
the first physician to reach Abraham Lincoln on the night of his
assassination at Ford's Theater. The papers, more easily read in this exact transcript,
provide an account of the night in incredible (at times graphic)
detail. What most surprised me, though, was the fact that Lincoln did
not die until 7:22 the following morning; I had always imagined him
pronounced dead at the scene. Also, the detail of Booth's leg catching
in the American flag seems appropriate given yesterday's holiday and the
symbolism that might make you roll your eyes if it happened in a
novel. And, speaking of flags, she also informed me that the
American flags flown over the U.S. Capitol are actually available for purchase. While it's too late to give them as Flag Day gifts, remember, the 4th of July is coming up!
But now, to business. As you can see, we've made a few changes here
at The Morning Report. First, you may have noticed that these are
coming from a different e-mail address! Reports will now be sent from
the very official
morning.reporter.dc@gmail.com.
(morning.reporter was already taken, so I got geographically
specific.) Next, I've used my (limited) Adobe skills to craft an
official Report banner. Note, though, that just as the title "The
Morning Report" has not always proven accurate, nor does the rising sun
in the banner guarantee AM distribution.
Finally, and perhaps most exciting of all, following the advice and requests of more than a few of you, the
Report is becoming a blog!
From now on, when you click on the banner at the top of these e-mails,
you'll be transported to the new blog, "From the Desk of the Morning
Reporter." Not only will I update it each night with the distribution
from that day, but I'm also beginning to upload the archived issues.
For most readers, these issues are completely uncharted territory, and
well-worth checking out. An interesting point to note, though: These
issues will be uploaded and dated as though they had been posted on the
day they were originally distributed. We're using the Internet as a
sort of time machine here in order to keep the narrative arc from Mementoing.
Past and present flashes are too confusing. I will, however, be taking
the opportunity to provide some commentary on past posts. Starting
with the first one.
We'll be uploading more from the archives as the days go on. But
for now, dear readers, thank you for your continued support of the
Report. I am thrilled by the way this has grown and hope that you enjoy
reading these as much as I enjoy writing them. Please, do keep the
responses coming. One of the best things about this is that it converts
the clicking-around exploring of the Internet, which so often becomes a
solitary wandering, into a shared exploration. Much like what I
imagine a
wilderness safari
is like based on my trips to Disney World, these journeys into the
wilds of the web are that much greater when someone else is there to go
"Oh, hey, did you see that?!"
Finally, remember to
Pay It Forward today for Helen Hunt's birthday! "Twister? I hardly know her!"
Til Monday, e-mail me definitely, corgi maybe?
Did you feel different when you woke up this morning? More patriotic?
Subconsciously drawn to the stripes in your wardrobe? Waving to people
as you walked past? That's because today is a special day... No, not
Pizza Day. It's Flag Day! So today we have a special patriotic edition
of the Morning Report.
Before we begin, a note. I have already been in communication with
some readers today who disapprove of this celebratory acknowledgement of
the adoption of our flag (by the Second Continental Congress back in
1777). Some voices of dissent worry about this mindless, overdone
nationalism. These voices, no doubt, are the same Yankee Doodle Dandies
who sing choruses of "I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, But I also retain my
cultural heritage from my parents’ nation of choice," rather than "God
bless America. We basically just kick ass" when attending a
Reworked Patriotic Songs
Sing-Along. Well, whether you're bedazzled with flag pins, dressed
slate grey in opposition to potentially xenophobic side-effects, or just
saw the calendar in your office today and said "Oh, it's Flag Day,"
(Guilty) the Report is observing.
And we begin our observation with some important
rules about Old Glory
that you probably didn't know. Certainly you knew that flag burning
was a big faux-pas in the fitfty nifty, save for those boy scouts
engaging in proper disposal following a flag that has accidentally been
unceremoniously sullied by the ground. But were you aware of the rules
surrounding one-night stands with the stars and stripes? Though really,
who does this apply to? At 235, if the flag is sleeping with any of
our readers, well... I guess OLD Glory is something of a cougar.
But, as we all (should) know, the
waving flag
that we know today was not always the fifty-starred fixture found on
our current poles. The original Flag Resolution of 1777 states that
"the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes,
alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a
blue field, representing a new Constellation." It's funny to imagine
that teenage flag, and all its variants as it grew up. But, I suppose it's sort of funny to imagine all political things in their youth.
Oh, little Mitt, how adorable you were when you were a child,
displaying some semblance of human emotion. Though as #22 indicates,
even as children the Romneys had trouble with appropriate human
behavior... "Look's like somebody brought a gun to a... Oh, it's not a
knife fight? It's a baby? My bad."
But here I go getting political in the Report. Apologies, dear
readers... Before you know it, I'll be making comments about how
appropriate the head in the sand photo of #9 is. And speaking of
heads of state... Oh, Game of Thrones producers... Even Petyr Baelish would have told you that was a bad idea. (Perhaps with a wave of his Littlefinger. Boom.)
Dear me, patriotism turned to political jest. Please, readers, accept these
patriotic puppies as an apology.
Get FIRED up for the rest of your day... It's
the Donald's birthday!
Oh, and tomorrow will bring big news for the 30th Report!
Before we start today's reporting, many thanks for the positive feedback
on Monday's Oreo piece. I feel encouraged to try more long form
reflection on important issues in future reports, just as one reader felt
compelled to bake some DIY Oreos. My mother, meanwhile, brought
to my attention another piece of timely Oreo news: The man who invented
the modern Oreo filling that we know and love, Sam J. Porcello,
died at the end of last month. (No, he wasn't over 100. The frosting
gluing the cookies together got a new recipe during Porcello's 34 years
at Nabisco.)
Today, though, we transition from food to sounds. (A transition that would deeply upset my uncle, who I suspect is mildly
misophonic.) First, toss on some headphones and head over to the Museum of Endangered Sounds.
Brendan Chilcutt has constructed a living record of dying noises, from
that iconic Nokia ringtone to the beeps of a hungry Tamagotchi. Some, I
think, are more endangered than others. Pacman and Tetris, for
example, have a great deal more longevity than ye olde printer and
floppy disk. (Added bonus: Fans of Gerbils can go exploring on the
Museum's page to find some contemporary cuteness to jumpstart their
day.)
While these sounds may spark nostalgia for some of our older readers
and "What the hell noise is that?" from some of our younger readers,
NPR reports on the science behind another type of sound:
the scary noise. The increasingly frantic cellos of Jaws; the slashing strings of Psycho;
the low music that you wish that stupid bimbo could hear, because then
she'd know not to open that door, not that she should need the music
cue, what's she doing wandering around alone, anyway, everyone knows
Ghostface is on the loose... All of these scores that scare are similar
to... the sound of shrieking baby marmots? Really? An interesting
observation, though, as the article notes, the use of nonlinear noises
is something composers seem to have picked up on their own, without
animal study. Sorry to anyone hoping for video footage of John Williams
wandering around the wilderness snatching up marmots.
And, finally, one more noise for the day, this one less dated or frightening. Here are
32 Pictures That Will Make You Say 'Awwwww.'
And some inevitable commentary... Are pitbull puppy purses something
sold in stores, or was that custom made? That baby bear tree is
amazing, but how did a dozen (by my count) baby bears get up there
together? Maybe the pandas of 17 helped them. Can't decide if the
otter kiss is cuter than the owl one. And is the giraffe's long neck
forcing perspective, or does that baby have a huge head? And is that
bear cub punching his teddy bear friend in the head? Cutest of the
bunch, though? My vote is for the puppy who is ready for his walk.
Though the fox pair is a close second. Aww, indeed, bonus, possibly
stoned puppy, aww indeed.
If you find yourself
up on the rooftop doing some home improvement, try not to fall, even if you do so with style. (That's right, it's Tim Allen's birthday!)
To Infinity, and Beyond!
