Worried Animals and Time Travel

 A few of you provided responses to yesterday's Report with your quotes.  One was thrilled with the inclusion of P.G. Wodehouse, while lamenting the Guardian's failure to include Anna Karenina and Catcher In the Rye (though Catcher is mentioned in passing for its similarity to Huckleberry Finn), as well as their terrible oversight of A Tale of Two Cities.  Another interestingly turned my proposal that the rest of the book bears a heavy influence on the lasting fame of the opening line, noting that a strong opening line (and ten pages or so) can be just as crucial to the rest of the book.  If the reader or publisher can put the book down after the first few pages, it's going to have a hard time making a lasting impact...

And before you put this report down before reading the rest of it, let's get down to business.  In a rather appropriate find on my sick day, I stumbled upon these 35 Animals Who Are Kind of Worried About Me!  I must say, I'm not pleased with the Overreacting Cat who doesn't believe I was actually not feeling well...  The hedgehog in 30 is worried about how few of the opening lines I recognized myself from Wednesday's post, while 17 knows how much I've been listening to One Direction.  (Shut up, eagle, they tell me I'm beautiful!)  33, maybe I should hire you to edit the Report.  And 32, I can't promise you everything's okay, but if a dog and a cat can cuddle like that, I'm more inclined to say with some certainty that things will be.

But let's consider again the anxieties of Eagle 17.  Boy bands seem to be making a bizarre resurgence of late.  How did this happen?  I decided to do some research.  I haven't arrived at a conclusion, but I have found a great Radio Time Machine tool to help.  While the Machine allows exploration of the Billboard Top 100 all the way back to 1940, I find I'm stuck in the 80s and 90s.  As the Breakfast Club implores me not to forget about them, Deniece Williams gives the boy a hand, and Dionne Warwick tells me I can always count on her, for sure (that's what friends are for), I am suddenly jarred by Rock Me Amadeus (What the hell is that?!).  I leave the 80s for the comfort of my childhood 90s, where TLC reminds me not to go chasing waterfalls, Toni Braxton wants me to un-break her heart, and R. Kelly believes he can fly, and I find that every song reminds me either of riding in a minivan or rollerskating at Happy Wheels.  (Remember that, NH readers?!)  Trust me, this is a musical adventure while worth plugging in headphones and exploring.  You might just learn something.  (Did you know that Lady Marmalade was in the top 100 twice?! Once in 1975 and then once in 2001!)

Anyway, enjoy the musical time travel.  If you check out 1970, be sure to congratulate Will Arnett's parents on their hilarious new baby!

In the beginning there wA-Z...

Another overcast day here in Alexandria.  Curse the day that storm-bringing corgi crossed my path!  Much relieved no die-hard Nolan or Malick fans attacked yesterday's report!  Today's will be focused on sentences, but that doesn't make it any less potentially contentious.  It's a bit wordy, but how can you write about sentences without being wordy?!

The Guardian has put out a list of " The 10 best first lines in fiction," which will no doubt be the subject of much disagreement.  Of course, every such list always is.  "Where is my favorite line?! I call shenanigans!" say the commenters.  But this time, I think they're right.  These selected lines seem weak, many of them only riding on the success of the novel that follows.  Nothing earth-shattering about the opening to Ulysses, in my mind.  Pride and Prejudice is one I agree with, though the opening sentence is one of the few I read in that entire novel... But where is Lolita (light of my life, fire of my loins)?  And Peter Pan and Farenheit 451?  The American Book Review list is better.  And includes one that suggests that maybe we cannot separate the opening sentence from the rest of the novel so easily:  "A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead."

So what do we think?  Is the greatness of an opening inextricably connected to the text that follows?  And what openings do you love that these top countdowns missed?

Interestingly, one reader, without knowing the sentence-based nature of today's Report, provides a fascinating Wikipedia page that is at once entertaining and enlightening.  A pangram is a sentence containing every letter of the alphabet at least once.  You no doubt know the English "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog," but there are so many other great English examples.  I think my personal favorite might be, "Public junk dwarves hug my quartz fox."  But things really get interesting after English... Remember that there are a great many other alphabets, each with their own pangrams that, when translated into English, seem often to be things of beauty reflective of the culture.  Consider the Japanese sentence that contains all kana (containing all kanji characters would be impossible):  "Awaken from dreaming to the voice of the crying bird and see the coming daylight turning the east sky-blue; shrouded in mist is a flock of ships on the open sea."  (That would make a great opening sentence, actually.)  Or the Persian example, which the submitter observes is reminiscent of their mournful poetry: "Zabih's returning after a long time made me forget a lot of my infirmities and pains which had caused a deep scar in the depth of my soft heart so many years ago." 

Of course, some are still just hilarious.  The poor Latvians dealing with the fact that, "Stupid hippies right here are freely trying to taste cellophane boa."  And Portugal describes Java's strangest zoo:  "One-eyed zebras in Java want to fax for giant ladies from New York."  Others are hilariously reflective of things we think about the country.  Poland has a pangramatic way of dealing with problems:  "Come on, drop your sadness into the depth of a bottle!"

Remember to celebrate your freedom to use accurate GPS today; exactly twelve years ago, Bill Clinton announced that it would no longer be restricted to US Military use.  And for those of you about to begin exams, remember:  "The s exy prof gives back no quiz with mild joy."

Movie Previews and Recreating "Tree of Life"

A bit of a rainy morning today, at least it was earlier... And it looks like rain for the rest of the week, too.  So perhaps the corgi was not a sign of good things, at least not weather-wise.  Like the old sailor adage says, "Corgi on Monday, Stormy til Sunday."  The weather suggests it will be a great week for video gaming.  So don't feel so bad about playing at work.

But for the non-gamers out there, maybe the rainy forecast is inspiring thoughts about movie theaters.  (Is there a better way to pass a rainy day than in a dark room full of strangers? I don't think so.)  But, you ask, what would I see at the theater?  Well, luckily you won't need to ask yourself that for the rest of this summer after this Summer Movie Preview!  So many "Must Sees," from superheroes to Sundance sweethearts.  Possibly one of the biggest superhero summers in movie history, actually.  Marvel's five-year hero project finally comes to a head, uniting Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor, and Captain America with Black Widow and Hawkeye to form The Avengers, and Christopher Nolan's raving fanboys will no doubt proclaim his "do-no-wrong" greatness with the release of The Dark Knight Rises.  I'm most excited for The Amazing Spider-Man, even though the reboot has some fans of the Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire original a bit confused... But seriously, if Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone aren't the hottest on-screen couple of the summer, then there must be a movie I haven't heard about yet where Ryan Gosling dates Natalie Portman (Hollywood, get on that).  As for Indies, anyone who wants to join me for Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, Safety Not Guaranteed, or Beasts of the Southern Kingdom, let me know.  And, of course, [our red-headed readership] must be all excited about Pixar's Brave celebration of gingers.

But this summer cinema season seems tragically devoid of a Tree of Life-esque cinematic exploration of literally everything ever.  Where will we go for breathy voice-over, long lingering shots of the galaxy, dinosaur bonding, and sweeping shots of the Earth from on-high?  No need to search for the way of grace or the way of nature, we've got at least part of your solution right here.  These beautiful images of earth from above are just what the doctor ordered.  And the still frames move only slightly slower than some of the shots in Malick's film!  Toss on Jurassic Park in the background and whisper the captions to yourself, and you're practically reliving the movie!  All you need now is to invite Brad Pitt over to yell at your kids while Jessica Chastain quietly encourages them and Sean Penn makes occasional and baffling appearances.

If you're looking for a more entertaining ambitious piece of cinema, I'd recommend taking some time to view Citizen Kane today.  It's the film's 71st anniversary, after all!

Mornings.  Reports.  Always you wrestle inside of me, always you will.

Miss NH and Mario (Abridged)

I've returned from the wilds of New Hampshire in one piece and am back (however briefly today) at my normal reporting desk.  But what a whirlwind NH weekend it was!  Sarah, as those who follow the Mousseaus closely on Facebook or Twitter know, was second runner-up in the Miss NH pageant, and the winner of the pageant's two academic achievement awards.  So, for those wondering where the brains, beauty, and talent are in the Mousseau family, there's your answer.

Frequent readers of the Huffington Post, though, may now mentally lump Sarah in with this lovely lady.  Well, entertaining as the connection is, there's a significant gap not covered by HuffPo.  That woman is a former Miss New Hampshire USA, an entirely different pageant from what Sarah entered.  The battering beauty (not Sarah) was part of the Donald Trump sponsored Miss USA beauty pageant.  Sarah was a contestant in part of Miss America, a scholarship program that includes a talent portion that the Miss USA pageant lacks.  Though perhaps Ms. Houde would have fared well in talent, demonstrating her ultimate fighter skills.  Or maybe she should keep an eye out for a Hunger Games-esque pageant to enter in the future.

And speaking of games, here's another link from my weekend explorations of the internet:  Super-Condensed Mario!  Each level of the original NES Mario game, condensed onto one screen each.  Get the coins.  Get to the top of the flag.  Simple, but not always easy.  I'm about halfway through now, after sporadic play this weekend.  The traditionally annoying Hammer Bros are just as frustrating as ever.  I wonder if the creator will follow up with a condensed Lost Levels.  Anyway, thought a game link like this was appropriate for a Monday, as it would give bored readers something to do in the evenings this week.  And would serve as an excellent procrastination tool for student readers who don't want to start to study for exams just yet... Perhaps a contest?  Can anyone beat all the levels by the time the week is out?  And how about getting all the coins and the highest flag placements?

A final note, for those worried that this will be a long and difficult week:  On the way into work today, I passed a corgi.  Surely a sign of great things to come!  (I think I have adopted the dog as my spirit animal.)

Til tomorrow, enjoy Cloris Leachman's birthday!

Open the Doors

Good Morning from New Hampshire!

That's right, dear readers, I'm in New Hampshire!  Following yesterday's report, I took off to the granite state in order to support my beautiful, talented sister in her quest to become the Miss of it!  Tonight marks the first of the three night event, but that doesn't mean I'll leave you reportless... Just that the report will come later in the day, apparently.  (I embraced the opportunity to sleep in.)

Yesterday's report garnered a great deal of response throughout the day.  One reader offered an interesting article on the South African perspective, while also noting the increasingly prohibitive cost of college that demands a certain degree of realism.  Another observed that, beyond the misspelling of "political scientis," how many Political Science majors do we know who go on to be whatever a political scientist is?  Johnny A, Investment Analyst, gave a very analytical (and mildly snarky) approach, including a similar piece from the Wall Street Journal with a much more dynamic and interesting to play with sorting system.

However, the piece that is going to compose much of today's report is not by any member of our readership.  From my nightstand at home in New Hampshire, I was browsing through a handful of old notebooks (English Major!) and stumbled upon a piece of poetry written by a friend almost seven years ago.  Given the impassioned responses to yesterday's Report, I felt that this piece would be an appropriate one to share as the report today.  Here it is:

Open the doors before you, around you-

Venture onto the path you feel is right,

Not necessarily the one less taken-

Not necessarily the one travelled by so many-

Choose the path in time that is your own direction.

Open the many doors not with fear,

But with the confidence that so many dream of having with each turn

From one knob to the next.

The one to guide you when ready to take on the world.

Continue to face all that is to come

With the excitement once held as a little boy.

On that snowy Christmas morning several years ago

Or when meeting your new invisible friend Bob.

Do not become discouraged
If what you do discover is a pair of red hand-knitted socks

From your aunt who loves to pinch your cheeks til they become

A nice rosy red,

Or a simple pair of grey long johns with its own back trapdoor, or,

If and or when you finally discover that Bob has not spoken

Or understood English as long as you've known him.

Even so, Bob's been there through the happy and the sad.

Just one of the many remarkable doorways.

Make all that you can of THE path-

The rocky, the smooth, the sunny - the path so challenging, so incredibly worthwhile.

Accept the challenge-

Become stronger within

Know this
Accept this

Welcome it.

Constantly grow and learn with eagerness.

Discover your place.

Reach high.

Discover yourself.

Make a life completely filled with the abstract-

Happiness

Peace

Love

Pride

Confidence

Friendship.

Allow your set of delicate wings to spread in all their glory

To lift you freely off the path-

From your cocoon-

To soar, high above the bustling world, again,

To soar, to venture forth into your life's choices-

The ones most desired.

Continue to fly.

Bob won't mind.

Oh, yeah, don't forget to wear your red hand-knitted socks

And pinch your aunt back.  Why not!

-September 7, 2005

A lovely and related piece of poetry for an April day.  The past reaches forward and finds our present problems and reminds us that we knew things once that we forgot, or the present reaches back and pulls things from the past to remind us.  Serendipity.  Why not!

And for those who are more visually minded:  Explore like this, enjoy like this.

Til tomorrow, where we will have news of the first day of pageantry and reflections of childhood wonders.

Happy World Intellectual Property Day!

Minor Majors (A Rant) and Calming Corgis

Today, we transition out of puppies and Starbucks and into the college scene.  (A change that one reader recently suggested that a certain subset of college students are familiar with in the opposite direction.)  We also transition into a little rant.  Based on a recent study by Georgetown University (the school currently pursuing the world record for largest doghouse built to resemble an on-campus building), Newsweek's The Daily Beast recently put out an attention-grabbing list of The 13 Most Useless Majors.  I promise that I will generally try to avoid both preachy-ness and profanity on the Report (especially given that my mother is among our readers), but what utter fucking bullshit.  Granted, I say this as an English Major (#7), so perhaps I'm a little knee-jerk defensive on this issue... But seriously?!  How are we defining "Uselessness," Newsweek?  (I suggest using the level of descriptiveness in your headline as a baseline.)  An algorithmic amalgam of average salary and unemployment rates?  No doubt these are the only factors that merit consideration, since no one ends up in jobs outside of what they majored in!  Speaking of which, what's with the ridiculous "Related occupation" postings?!  A history degree leads to a historian, English to writing... Though my favorite has to be the Political Science degree producing a great "Political scientis".  A+ editing, Newsweek.

Perhaps I'm going to come across as more of a starry-eyed dreamer than a Jimmy Stewart character in a Capra film, but readers, a challenge:  Find value in your major (whether a current student, a recent graduate, or a retiree) beyond the dollars and percents that Newsweek assigns.  Let it be something you explore.  Something that colors your worldview, if not your wallet.  When someone says, "What are you going to do with that?," ignore them, especially if they have as narrow and one-to-one a view as Newsweek regarding "Related occupations."  Because chances are your occupation may not be totally related.  And chances are neither your occupation nor your major will be the words you choose to define yourself in life.  (I am so many things before I am a technical editor.)  But when those people keep asking louder and louder what your plan is, don't worry.  One of the wisest people I have met (and I say this sincerely, not just because he is the most Buddha-esque member of our readership) told me that much of where we end up, particularly in occupation, is serendipity.  So go ahead and toss on that John Cusack film.  Wander.  Wonder.  But don't worry.  A college major is actually pretty minor.

Whew!  Apologies for the ranting and raving.  Goodness knows I need to calm down now... Here's some Corgi(f)s to turn the Arghs into Awws.  I promise that Reports like this will be few and far between, and that the rest of the week will be reserved for cool stuff, funny stories, and cute animals.  And just as we will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow, you may now return to your regularly scheduled morning.  I assume you were all celebrating the 73rd Anniversary of the first appearance of Batman in Detective Comics #27.

Starbugs, Hot Dogs, and Crossed Corgis

Keep the responses coming, especially when they are things like "You're too cute" (Thank you!) and "Are you famous?" (Not yet.)  Of course, topical replies are also great.  Very jealous of one reader's friend who is going to be in London for some of the Globe to Globe performances!  And maybe if you're lucky, a response will end up serving as a transition item to the next day's stories...

One reader continued the Moby Dick chain of thought established by the story of Iceberg (dead ahead!) the white whale, tying the story to Captain Ahab's first mate Starbuck, who was not named after the coffee chain.  (Rather, the chain was named after the sailor.)  Starbucks, too, has been in the news lately for a story related to both animals and unique coloring.  News broke recently that the famous supplier of caffeine addicts worldwide has been using some beetle-based food coloring to give its strawberry drinks that tasty pink tint.  Vegans are, of course, having a (completely unharmed, free-range, rights protected) cow.  (That was one of my favorite moments from the early reports.)  But the most interesting reaction I've seen yet has to be that of Daniel Stone, who suggests more consumers go the way of Starbucks and chow down on creepy crawlers.  Now, in my lifetime I've eaten a cricket, a packet of cheddar flavored little wormy things, and a worm in a tequila flavored lollipop.  But I'm curious:  How many of our readers have eaten bugs?

And Starbugs isn't the only piece of animal-eating news that's been in the spotlight lately.  President Obama is under fire for a passage in his book Dreams from My Father, in which he reflects on growing up in Indonesia, writing "I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher), and roasted grasshopper (crunchy)."  Oh dear!  Given the choice between transporting Fido on the car roof or in the stomach, I think most people (and certainly most dogs) would choose to travel the Romney way.  But either way, we can all be thankful for the memes that have resulted.  So much visual wordplay with wiener dogs!   Reminds me of what I am told is one of the first jokes I ever told... "Why did the frankfurter jump in the pool?  Because he was a hot dog!"  Even from an early age, I recognized the power of the pun...

To close out today, more dogs.  Specifically, some long promised corgis.  More specifically, hybrid corgis.  Oh my.  I don't even know which one to choose... The dachshund is adorable, the beagle so perky, the chow regal (despite being the breed most likely to turn on its owner), the cockapoo precious, and as for the Australian Shepherd... I can't think of a word for the combination of stupid and cute that describes that face.  (Wordplay challenge!)  But, as anyone who has seen my recent canine Facebook post knows, my loyalties lie on the plaid couch next to that super-cute, sad-eyed, lovable German Shepherd.  But if anyone wants to persuade me otherwise, I'm all ears (not unlike the Jack Russell).

Enjoy the rest of Barbara Streisand's birthday!